Do I stay or do I go???
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Port Alberni, BC
Posts: 1
Do I stay or do I go???
:prayingMy AH is currently addicted to crack, he has been struggling with this for just about a year or so. I have stuck behind him 100 % through all of this. We lost our home, our vehicles, our jobs because of this. We had to leave the place we were living because he got in too deep with some of the drug dealers & was afraid for his life, so we packed it up & moved to BC. This was supposed to be our fresh start until last weekend. He went to work out of town & was going to be gone overnight, he never called. I knew right away something was up. I called & called him but he just wouldnt answer. Later on his mother tried calling him & he answered, she could barely understand what he was saying...all she could hear was knife & yard. So we immediatley went to his work & here he was in his truck with a knife, sobbing. She got the knife out of his hand & looked over & there was a suicide note he had wrote. It broke my heart. I held him & told him that everything would be ok & we would get through this but he has to work harder at it. Anyways he had court yesterday in the town that we just moved from, his lawyer just bailed last minute so my AH had to go there to get the money back that his grandfather upfronted so he would have a lawyer, well that was yesterday & i have not heard from him since. He was supposed to get a flight early this am & never showed. I am worried sick, I am not even in the same provience so I feel so helpless. I want to go try & find him but we have 2 small children, I cannot go carting them around looking for their drug addicted father. I am at a loss. Everyone tells me that I should leave & that he wont learn if I stick around but to be honest, I dont want to leave. I want 2 be here & hold him when he cries & talk to him when he struggles. I do realize that they need to want the help themselves & he says he wants it & does good for a while but then he goes right back at it again. Its a vicious cycle. Its like I am screwed either way....if I leave he may just go do more or commit suicide but then if I stay he may never learn. I am so confused on what to be doing right now. My heart is breaking. I know myself well enough that if I do leave it will just be a matter of time before I am back again. I love him with all of my heart & dont want to be away from him, I just really dont know what to do. All I want is to be a family, with normal problems. I wants to argue about who is gonna do the dishes not about crack. I went into a store today & a man was there that was **** loaded drunk. He started talking to me & I got mad & told him he was drinking his life away, started crying & left. Thats not me. I dont like to tell strangers how to live their lives, everyone in the store must have thought I was nuts but it really bothered me more than it should have. I dont know how long he is going to be gone this time but I am praying that he is ok, its his birthday today & it breaks my heart that he isnt here, that he is choosing to be out there doing that S%^T. I dont what to think, the title for this is do I stay or do I go but deep down I feel that I should stay, is that normal??? I just think that I made a vow for sickness & in health & this is in my eyes is a sickness. PLEASE HELP
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Colorado Springs, CO
Posts: 2,391
Al-anon or the NA version for you?
As a co-dependent and an addict I sure want to fix me and everyone else. I grew up with an alcoholic father and I attend both NA/AA and Al-Anon. I know, that for me, I need to let go of controlling others and the only way I can do that is work a program that tells me step by step how to do that. I cannot do it on my own and now that I know there is a program, I don't ever ever have to do it alone again. Knowing that I don't have to spend another day trying to fix someone else really helps me focus on my own sobriety and stay clean from getting enmeshed in my fathers life.
I hope you can find a path that works for you so you can get well, even if he doesn't. Those two small children will thank you for caring enough about you to take care of you, even if he can't ever get well. And if he does get well, you can take the journey to sobriety together, him from his DOC and you from him.
My prayers are with you, thank you for being here. It is people like you that help with my sobriety.
As a co-dependent and an addict I sure want to fix me and everyone else. I grew up with an alcoholic father and I attend both NA/AA and Al-Anon. I know, that for me, I need to let go of controlling others and the only way I can do that is work a program that tells me step by step how to do that. I cannot do it on my own and now that I know there is a program, I don't ever ever have to do it alone again. Knowing that I don't have to spend another day trying to fix someone else really helps me focus on my own sobriety and stay clean from getting enmeshed in my fathers life.
I hope you can find a path that works for you so you can get well, even if he doesn't. Those two small children will thank you for caring enough about you to take care of you, even if he can't ever get well. And if he does get well, you can take the journey to sobriety together, him from his DOC and you from him.
My prayers are with you, thank you for being here. It is people like you that help with my sobriety.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
First let me say WELCOME to SR. You have found a GREAT place!!!!!!
Hate to be blunt, but with an addict that aint going to happen.
Please for your own sanity find some Alanon or Naranon meetings. There are usually more Alanon meetings than Naranon so go for those.
Here are 3 C's, keep them in front of you at ALL TIMES:
You didn't CAUSE it,
You can't CONTROL it, and
You can't CURE it.
No one here can tell you to stay or go. However, do you really want your children growing up in a home with an addict whom you never know is going to be there or not. Alanon, will help you to learn how to SET Boundaries and KEEP those boundaries.
We (I) understand you love the man that was, not the man that is. Please understand it may get a lot worse before it gets better if it ever does. Yes there is always hope that the addict and/or alkie will find their bottom and get help, however, the percentages aren't that great.
Oh, and his crying and sobbing that he 'wants' help, etc many times that is manipulation just to keep you hanging on.
So...................................please find some Alanon meetings QUICK.
Also, please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing, we do care a lot!
Love and hugs,
All I want is to be a family, with normal problems.
Please for your own sanity find some Alanon or Naranon meetings. There are usually more Alanon meetings than Naranon so go for those.
Here are 3 C's, keep them in front of you at ALL TIMES:
You didn't CAUSE it,
You can't CONTROL it, and
You can't CURE it.
No one here can tell you to stay or go. However, do you really want your children growing up in a home with an addict whom you never know is going to be there or not. Alanon, will help you to learn how to SET Boundaries and KEEP those boundaries.
We (I) understand you love the man that was, not the man that is. Please understand it may get a lot worse before it gets better if it ever does. Yes there is always hope that the addict and/or alkie will find their bottom and get help, however, the percentages aren't that great.
Oh, and his crying and sobbing that he 'wants' help, etc many times that is manipulation just to keep you hanging on.
So...................................please find some Alanon meetings QUICK.
Also, please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing, we do care a lot!
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: pa
Posts: 260
First I want to say I am so sorry you are going through this. I have been in your shoes,for 24 years to be exact.I so much wanted to believe he wanted to change,we had so many talks about his finding sobriety,he went to rehab 4 times.He was sent to prison where he now sits for the second time. Spent time in mental hospitals,all the while I was by his side. In December of 2006 while I was at work he decided to slit his wrists while home with our children,my son had to cal 911,that is alot for an 11 year old to deal with.The horrors got worse not better,I too wanted a family,my husband wanted to drink. I invested over half my life with this man,how could I leave him now. I didn't know where to begin. One day I found the courage,to save me and my children from this madness. Alot of my strength came from my awesome family and friends. This board and these people have been a gift from God,as they helped me find the strength to move on. I pray that you too will find that strength. I wish you peace,you deserve it.:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
I'm sorry you are going through this. It's a horrible situation to be in. I've been there and it's a nightmare to be in a relationship with a crack addict. You can never ever trust them. Ever. I can only advise you to follow your head, not your heart in this situation.
They are right!
Of course you do. It's human nature but when dealing with a crack addict, we are not really dealing with the human, we are dealing with crack, which strips the humanness away.
Please keep reading, learning and posting! It will help you so much in dealing with your situation.
Just remember you didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it. But you can protect your children and yourself by setting boundaries for the type of behavior that you will accept in your life and then enforcing those boundaries, no matter what.
Crack addiction is progressive and the behavior gets worse and worse and worse. I had to leave to save myself and my child. Mostly to save my child. I have had to accept that my ex is already dead even though he walks talks and breaths, because everytime he picks up that pipe, he's committing slow suicide. He's basically putting a half loaded gun to his head and pulling the trigger.
Crack addiction results in jails institutions and death, unless the addict is willing to commit himself/herself to a program of recovery for the rest of their life. I know this because I used to use crack with him. It's a nightmare to quit. Many people choose not to even try. They just don't want to stop (even though they will lie and say they do). It changes your brain forever. I know it's depressing and hard to accept. But you and your kids don't have to live this way. It's not your fault.
Everyone tells me that I should leave & that he wont learn if I stick around
I want 2 be here & hold him when he cries & talk to him when he struggles
Please keep reading, learning and posting! It will help you so much in dealing with your situation.
Just remember you didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it. But you can protect your children and yourself by setting boundaries for the type of behavior that you will accept in your life and then enforcing those boundaries, no matter what.
Crack addiction is progressive and the behavior gets worse and worse and worse. I had to leave to save myself and my child. Mostly to save my child. I have had to accept that my ex is already dead even though he walks talks and breaths, because everytime he picks up that pipe, he's committing slow suicide. He's basically putting a half loaded gun to his head and pulling the trigger.
Crack addiction results in jails institutions and death, unless the addict is willing to commit himself/herself to a program of recovery for the rest of their life. I know this because I used to use crack with him. It's a nightmare to quit. Many people choose not to even try. They just don't want to stop (even though they will lie and say they do). It changes your brain forever. I know it's depressing and hard to accept. But you and your kids don't have to live this way. It's not your fault.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by alegge134 
:
All I want is to be a family, with normal problems. I wants to argue about who is gonna do the dishes not about crack.
All I want is to be a family, with normal problems. I wants to argue about who is gonna do the dishes not about crack.
This is your goal.
I do not think it is achievable when you are married to someone addicted to crack.
You did not cause it. You cannot control it. And you most certainly cannot cure it. It is impossible to love someone out of addiction. You cannot reason someone out of addiction. Addiction sucks the entire family in.
Get out and save yourself and children.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 471
You sound desperate to go AND desperate to stay. To the degree that your desperation is equal on both sides, you will stay locked in a stable (albeit painful) situation.
Consider just holding yourself in the tension between these two wants and see what happens inside you. There is a simple truth for you at the bottom of that. When you realize what keeps you locked in the middle, you will know the simple truth of what you need to do to change the situation.
I pray you find the answer that will lead you to an abundant life.
Consider just holding yourself in the tension between these two wants and see what happens inside you. There is a simple truth for you at the bottom of that. When you realize what keeps you locked in the middle, you will know the simple truth of what you need to do to change the situation.
I pray you find the answer that will lead you to an abundant life.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
If loving an addict and being there for them would save them or even change them one tiny bit....not one of us would be here.
Sweetie, I know the pain of watching someone we love destroy themselves, I know how much it hurts to just want a "normal" life with a healthy person, I know how helpless you feel when he is gone and you don't know where he is or even if he is dead or alive...I know.
The thing is, all that pain won't change them either, but it will drag us down to a place so dark we feel like we will never see light again.
The only thing that helped me was to go to meetings, surround myself with support there and here at SR, and learn to work a program of 12 Steps that literally saved my life.
Welcome to SR, I'm glad you found us and hope you will walk with us on our journey of recovery. We will share our light with you until you are able to find your own.
Hugs
Sweetie, I know the pain of watching someone we love destroy themselves, I know how much it hurts to just want a "normal" life with a healthy person, I know how helpless you feel when he is gone and you don't know where he is or even if he is dead or alive...I know.
The thing is, all that pain won't change them either, but it will drag us down to a place so dark we feel like we will never see light again.
The only thing that helped me was to go to meetings, surround myself with support there and here at SR, and learn to work a program of 12 Steps that literally saved my life.
Welcome to SR, I'm glad you found us and hope you will walk with us on our journey of recovery. We will share our light with you until you are able to find your own.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 103
Please read the sticky "What Addicts Do". It helped me to understand. The addict cannot love you or his children, until he/she loves himeself and gets clean. You have to love yourself first. Be true to yourself. It is very difficult once we are sucked into this addictive process. We are also sick. Alonon, reading, posting, working my steps is helping me. When they are in full addiction, it is very hard to see past that. You obsess about it. Change the obsession to yourself. I will pray for you and your family.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 5
Heartbroken by suicide & codependency???
My boyfriend, at the age of 25, recently took him own life. Everyone who loved him never would have thought that he would be dead by means of his own will, it would have made much more sense for him to have died of an overdose than anything - but even that is terrible to say.
He had a drug problem for about 10 years, although, he had really only been using hard drugs - cocaine, oxy's, heroin, meth, for probably the last 6 or so. Me, I am 32, college graduate, no problems with addiction, good job, family & friends, but now am freaking out with the realization that I am/was/have the tendancies of being in codependent relationships. That we were in a codependent relationship.
I AM BLAMING MYSELF FOR MY HIS DEATH!!!
Everyone says not to get involved with someone who is trying to recover from addiction. I had never known anyone with a drug addiction, so I obviously could not comprehend, or I didn't respect this so-called fact?
I blame myself for causing more turmoil in his life. I have issues with jealousy & put that on him a lot. Yes, he lied to me a lot, and was mostly all talk & no action, but my jealousy issues seemed to open the can of worm to other problems. I think I pressured him more by not fully understanding the depths of addiction. I pressured him into being more of a man, maybe he wasn't ready to be?? He always said he was ready to settle down & wanted to give me what I deserved. We would get into crazy arguments & I could say the meanest things & be so completely ready to end our relationhip, then I would come back, or he would come back, & we would stick it out. We did truly love one another I'd like to believe, and what really is eating me up is that he said he "had never been in love before" & was so thankful to have met me, and I would describe his love as so PURE & INNOCENT, and then I would just stomp on it by own dumb insecurities. I feel like I completely failed him. We used to say that love would conquer all. I don't think he was at a maturity level to deal with my ****. He would say that if we didn't work out that he wouldn't be with another girl because he had given everything he had to "us". I am driving myself NUTS!!! Another thing is that although we had been together for over 2 years, we had been having a long-distance releationship for about 14 months, ultimately planning on moving together once we both got some things straightened out.
PLEASE, CAN ANYONE OFFER WORDS, ADVISE, ANYTHING - FROM EITHER THE STANDPOINT OF SOMEONE STRUGGLING WITH ADDICTION OR FROM SOMEONE IN LOVE WITH AN ADDICT.
I know that the drugs & addiction may have killed his innocence & robbed him of having a "normal" childhood, but I feel guilty of possibly ruining the only thing he had left that wasn't tainted by my ********!!!
He had a drug problem for about 10 years, although, he had really only been using hard drugs - cocaine, oxy's, heroin, meth, for probably the last 6 or so. Me, I am 32, college graduate, no problems with addiction, good job, family & friends, but now am freaking out with the realization that I am/was/have the tendancies of being in codependent relationships. That we were in a codependent relationship.
I AM BLAMING MYSELF FOR MY HIS DEATH!!!
Everyone says not to get involved with someone who is trying to recover from addiction. I had never known anyone with a drug addiction, so I obviously could not comprehend, or I didn't respect this so-called fact?
I blame myself for causing more turmoil in his life. I have issues with jealousy & put that on him a lot. Yes, he lied to me a lot, and was mostly all talk & no action, but my jealousy issues seemed to open the can of worm to other problems. I think I pressured him more by not fully understanding the depths of addiction. I pressured him into being more of a man, maybe he wasn't ready to be?? He always said he was ready to settle down & wanted to give me what I deserved. We would get into crazy arguments & I could say the meanest things & be so completely ready to end our relationhip, then I would come back, or he would come back, & we would stick it out. We did truly love one another I'd like to believe, and what really is eating me up is that he said he "had never been in love before" & was so thankful to have met me, and I would describe his love as so PURE & INNOCENT, and then I would just stomp on it by own dumb insecurities. I feel like I completely failed him. We used to say that love would conquer all. I don't think he was at a maturity level to deal with my ****. He would say that if we didn't work out that he wouldn't be with another girl because he had given everything he had to "us". I am driving myself NUTS!!! Another thing is that although we had been together for over 2 years, we had been having a long-distance releationship for about 14 months, ultimately planning on moving together once we both got some things straightened out.
PLEASE, CAN ANYONE OFFER WORDS, ADVISE, ANYTHING - FROM EITHER THE STANDPOINT OF SOMEONE STRUGGLING WITH ADDICTION OR FROM SOMEONE IN LOVE WITH AN ADDICT.
I know that the drugs & addiction may have killed his innocence & robbed him of having a "normal" childhood, but I feel guilty of possibly ruining the only thing he had left that wasn't tainted by my ********!!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
deathnaddiction. I'm so sorry for your loss. It's so hard to let go of someone we love. Suicide is so difficult. It's impossible for you to understand what he was going through. It's profoundly personal and not something that you had any control over. Combine suicidal tendencies (they say now they can link a genetic trait to suicide) with drug addiction, and you have a powder keg waiting to explode.
He is gone. Let go. It wasn't your fault. There was nothing you could have done to stop it. And you didn't cause it either. You loved him and that is enough. Things will get easier. Time heals.
He is gone. Let go. It wasn't your fault. There was nothing you could have done to stop it. And you didn't cause it either. You loved him and that is enough. Things will get easier. Time heals.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 5
I appreciate your words, & I know that I can obsess & drive myself crazy trying to understand & blame myself or figure out why, why, why.
I really thought that loving someone enough would help aid in their recovery, & it's just such a terrible thing to think that I just added more pain & made things worse.
I will learn to let go, it's just really hard.
I really thought that loving someone enough would help aid in their recovery, & it's just such a terrible thing to think that I just added more pain & made things worse.
I will learn to let go, it's just really hard.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 59
deathnaddiction,
I am so sorry for your loss and the hurt you are feeling now. Nothing that he did was any of your fault. None of us have any control over what another person does or doesn't do. Understanding and fully realizing that there is only one person you have control over and that is you, if you can reach that point where you not only think it but feel it, you will know and feel no guilt for what another person chooses to do. You loved this man, you are grieving for him, but you are NOT responsible or to blame for what he chose to do, and why he did is probably not something you can ever know except just to know that he had a problem that only he could solve, and it was his decision alone. It is so so hard to "accept" that we are powerless over others, that there really is not something we can say or do that will "fix" things. It hurts just in accepting that alone, and to grieve at the same time is heartbreaking, but if acceptance is reached, I can only say from my own experience, that there is a peace and a strength that comes along with it. It doesn't take away your loss, but it can resolve the guilt and the hurt that comes with that. It's no different for any of us here IMHO, whether we are someone recovering from codependency or addiction, there are many of us who are recovering from both,but the first step is in accepting that we are powerless, we have no control over anything other than our own choices, and it helps a great deal to choose to believe that there is an HP who has a plan for each and every one of us, though we may never know exactly what it is, or understand it.
IMHO His choice is not something that can be rationalized or reasoned because it is not rational or reasonable. He had a problem, that problem was his and only his, you cannot understand it, change it, take responsibility for it, and when you are able to accept that, the only answer to "why?" is just that he had a serious problem.
I am so sorry for your loss and the hurt you are feeling now. Nothing that he did was any of your fault. None of us have any control over what another person does or doesn't do. Understanding and fully realizing that there is only one person you have control over and that is you, if you can reach that point where you not only think it but feel it, you will know and feel no guilt for what another person chooses to do. You loved this man, you are grieving for him, but you are NOT responsible or to blame for what he chose to do, and why he did is probably not something you can ever know except just to know that he had a problem that only he could solve, and it was his decision alone. It is so so hard to "accept" that we are powerless over others, that there really is not something we can say or do that will "fix" things. It hurts just in accepting that alone, and to grieve at the same time is heartbreaking, but if acceptance is reached, I can only say from my own experience, that there is a peace and a strength that comes along with it. It doesn't take away your loss, but it can resolve the guilt and the hurt that comes with that. It's no different for any of us here IMHO, whether we are someone recovering from codependency or addiction, there are many of us who are recovering from both,but the first step is in accepting that we are powerless, we have no control over anything other than our own choices, and it helps a great deal to choose to believe that there is an HP who has a plan for each and every one of us, though we may never know exactly what it is, or understand it.
IMHO His choice is not something that can be rationalized or reasoned because it is not rational or reasonable. He had a problem, that problem was his and only his, you cannot understand it, change it, take responsibility for it, and when you are able to accept that, the only answer to "why?" is just that he had a serious problem.
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