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having trouble letting go of the past...

Old 03-07-2008, 09:58 AM
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having trouble letting go of the past...

hi everyone..its been a while...my computer at home hasnt been working....im at work now....

anyway, i believe my ah has stopped using coke for 3-4 weeks. his behavior is better, he's been going to bed every night at around 11:00, and he's been going to work every day. we are also seeing a new marriage counsler.
This new counsler said that maybe we should acknowledge that the old marriage is over--and begin a new one with new expectations. He also said that when one person has issues in a marriage and wants change, the other doesnt like it.....but basically that the partner needs to know the "scope" of what is needed and if they want to "be a partner" than fine, but if not, than then it needs to be looked at, or however he put it, i forgot his exact words.
my ah was saying then his dream about being a "cleaver family" is over....in other words, he likes when the kids some to me more for things, he likes that i "do more" around the house and with them.....he thinks it should be that way.

I disagree...especially since i am working full-time as well. he has helped out somewhat more in the last few months, but i still do much more....he now thinks this counlser is not going to help us, and that he (the counsler has even given up)....

I am also having a problem with letting go of the past 2 years...the therapist said you cant let go, because everyone has an unconscious that you carry around with you....things have to be dealt with..im just so sad about what has happened to me and what i had to go through dealing with everything, and maybe its so hard to deal with also because i was abandoned by my dad at age 13.

just wanted some advise...thoughts,,input....thanks!!!!
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Old 03-07-2008, 10:16 AM
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((((DW))))
Letting go takes time, and "time takes time". Three weeks of not using isn't really "the past" yet so its understandable why you are struggling.

Try to keep moving forward, and letting yourself be heard. Counciling is to beneift both parties, so its importnat you speak up if something doesn't feel right.

Keep moving forward, thinking of your needs as well as others.
Wishing you the best
(((Hugs)))
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Old 03-07-2008, 10:38 AM
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What's the therapist say about your husband's drug problem!
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Old 03-07-2008, 10:39 AM
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Sounds like he's not willing to accept that things need to change. But then again why would he want to with you doing 90% of the work and he only has to contribute 10%.
My belief has always been that if I have to work then you have to work. If we are both working then household duties need to be as close to 50/50 as possible. Realistically it could never really be 50/50 that's why I say as close as possible. There is no reason for both to be working but only one person bears the brunt of the house work. That's a lot of jobs for one person to hold....employee, mother, housekeeper, cook, wife, planner, scheduler, organizer, laundromat, ....when do you find time to be you. You tip the scale. There is no balance. Without balance there can be no harmony. We don't live in the age of when our parents. We now need a two person income to hold down the fort. But yet the roles in the house didn't seem to follow the same trend of changes.

Addiction affects us in some of the same ways drugs affect the addict. Let me explain... Once an addict does a drug...try as you might you can't make them forget how it makes them feel...you can not erase it from their mind. Once we have been touched by addiction...try as you might you can't make us forget what we have suffered because of it...you can't erase the images in our heads of why we don't trust, we doubt, we fear, we cry and get angry.

Keep working on you and building your boundaries. I understand how you feel.
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Old 03-07-2008, 02:13 PM
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he also is blaming me for everything--that it is my fault that the kids act the way they do--that by me ignoring him, they see me being cruel to him..and they act out,,,also he blames me for not understandint saving years ago, and so he couldnt cope with all of the pressures and turned to drugs....also he said that he didnt intend tohurt me so he shouldnt be punished by me....in therapy i was crying and said that i have been through so much the past 2 years, and that made him feel terrible (the poor thing), so he in turn is making me feel terrible because i do that to him everyday.....

the therapist basically called the drug issue a lack of being able to manage his life, and wanted to know how his ind. therapist was helping him with that....
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Old 03-07-2008, 04:07 PM
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The answer always comes out the same...

Actions over time.

When I deal with the past as it comes up in my thoughts from time to time, I need deal with it as it comes up...in the moment. Forgive again if that is what I need do but I don't forget because I tend to remember the hurt and don't want it again. I need do the same for my own actions of the past as well as the actions of others of the past.

My own actions over time (proper actions) help me heal.
The actions of others over time, help me forget and heal.

From what you posted... His actions of today may be what is fighting your wanting to forgive his yesterdays. When he grows more in his recovery and starts to realize where he needs to make amends and own up to his past... his actions will support your wanting to forgive his past.
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Old 03-07-2008, 11:38 PM
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Glad he's trying to work with you and a professional. I agree that there is always a part of you that carries around the memeoris of what happened in the past, people can forgive but don't have to forget. It may be a survival instinct. God bless you and your family, this disease we have to deal with is so unfair, my prayers are with you.
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Old 03-08-2008, 09:57 AM
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Originally Posted by drainedwife View Post
he also is blaming me for everything--that it is my fault that the kids act the way they do--that by me ignoring him, they see me being cruel to him..and they act out,,,also he blames me for not understandint saving years ago, and so he couldnt cope with all of the pressures and turned to drugs....also he said that he didnt intend tohurt me so he shouldnt be punished by me....in therapy i was crying and said that i have been through so much the past 2 years, and that made him feel terrible (the poor thing), so he in turn is making me feel terrible because i do that to him everyday.....
So exactly what is it that has changed in his behavior?
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Old 03-08-2008, 11:08 AM
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Drained...I'm trying so hard not to say this but I just have to ........

Well, bless his heart.

Ya know, Drained, it takes two to tango. It's not all him and it's not all you.

Look at the word "blame". You take the "bla bla bla" out of it and all you have left is "me". If your husband ever grasps recovery, TRULY gets recovery, he'll see that.

I realized when my AD was in the "blame game" all I could do was keep my side of the street clean and refuse to get sucked into the aruging or defending myself.

A great statement to remember when blaming comments are hurled your way:

"I'm sorry you feel that way." And leave it at that.

I'm proud of you for taking a good look at you. No one knows if that will save the marriage, but it sure will help save you. And that's what recovery is all about.

Hugs and prayers,
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Old 03-08-2008, 11:33 AM
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Wow

Originally Posted by drainedwife View Post
he also is blaming me for everything--that it is my fault that the kids act the way they do--that by me ignoring him, they see me being cruel to him..and they act out,,,also he blames me for not understandint saving years ago, and so he couldnt cope with all of the pressures and turned to drugs....also he said that he didnt intend tohurt me so he shouldnt be punished by me....in therapy i was crying and said that i have been through so much the past 2 years, and that made him feel terrible (the poor thing), so he in turn is making me feel terrible because i do that to him everyday.....

the therapist basically called the drug issue a lack of being able to manage his life, and wanted to know how his ind. therapist was helping him with that....
Oh wow. I know what you are talking about. Not sure how to help, but I am there too. My AH has stopped... supposedly. He thinks I am terrible because I can't get by it and just be his wife. I have lived with this for 23 years. My kids are so angry with me. They don't know that Dad has an addiction problem. My AH says, " daughter is fine with me. She told me the other day that I don't smell like smoke anymore when she hugs me. She accepts me and is ok with things, why aren't you? When I asked if she knew that the smoke was weed and if he had acknowledged that the response was , "no, I told her I was smoking cigars". He told her that I didn't like it though so he stopped. CIGARS!!!!! I don't want to tell my daughter the real truth, but I can't stand that she is growing to hate me. AH says, "well, if you want everything to be ok, and you want the kids to be happy w/you, then start being my wife again." "The kids don't treat me badly." I am so angry, sad, scared.... I don't know what at this point. I can't just pretend nothing ever happened and go back to being wifey. However, if I leave I am afraid that the kids will abandon me. We have been to marriage counseling... he refuses to see that there is an issue. I am the one withe problem you know. I need help!!!!!
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Old 03-08-2008, 03:49 PM
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Letting Go .....

I'm young in my journey of recovery. I've been thinking about the topic of letting go and what it means to me since I initially read this post.

"Letting go" means not holding on so tightly that my knuckles turn white and my blood pressure rises and I can't do anything else but "hold on." I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't cure it, so I have to learn to relax, uncurl my fingers and let it be what it is.

"Letting go" doesn't mean that I drop it and it falls into a deep dark hole, never seen from or heard from again. It continues to exist, but in the past. I learn from the experience, but I don't let the pain of yesterday steal from the joy of today. I don't expect myself to forget, but I do expect to recover from this experience stronger than I was before and with the knowledge and desire to never repeat it again.

For me, that's where the boundaries come in. I will "let go" of the chaos that was our life with active addiction and seek a life of love and respect. Of nurturing and fun. Of working together to support the necessities of maintaining a productive household and raising children who will be equipped to handle the world on their own one day.

The things that do not support my life, will not be a part of it. I will never again sacrifice myself and my children to the snarling jaws of active addiction. IF ..... IF XABF pursues a life of recovery and sobriety, I will support him from a distance. His actions will speak to me louder than his words and any actions that do not support my life with my children will result in my continuing to "let go" of him. I will not wait for him to find himself (although this is difficult because I love him with every fiber of my being.)

Each day I "let go" a bit more and it gets easier. I am working on changing my focus from "fixing" my addict to becoming a better me and a better mom.

I want to LIVE LIFE......
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Old 03-10-2008, 07:57 AM
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can someone grow in recovery if they dont believe they are an addict?? he stopped using i believe because i have found no evidence of his using...he is going to bed at 11:00 every night, waking to go to work everyday....the only suspicious thing is that he had a package delivered to our house from india--he said it was a dermotology cream but i havent seen this so called cream.... i just wondered if he may be ordering neds on the internet whcih he did in the past--maybe he stopped using coke--but is substituing it for something else...i hope not.
i also think he tends to hear what he wants to hear from the therapist --- in other words..he takes what he says and interprets it in a way that its what he wants to hear, maybe not what he actually said or is implying.
When i was crying in the session because i was saying i went through hell over the past 2 years, he took that as blame and he couldnt bear to hear it...
it seems that he cannot look at himself and take responsibility....or at least he cant bear to hear it and he cant admit it to others and even to himself...he needs to hear that he is a good person, good father, good husband...and doesnt see that a good fatehr or husband doesnt do drugs...he wants empathy from me that he was in such a horrible place that he turned to drugs to cope--well i had empathy but all the lies, his behavior and such turned the empathy to pain, anger and resentment....
maybe i can look at it as i needed to grow through this to gain insight, and to grow stronger.....i dont know....maybe i can put a positive spin on it...but its hard when he wont take full responsiblity and still says i provoked him when he grabbed me...and that i had no right getting an RO......
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Old 03-10-2008, 08:34 AM
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Drained. ((((hugs)))). I hear you. Finally going to counseling and still not being open to it. It's still all about him, making him feel better, working on what's bothering him. The self-accountability issue is so frustrating!

If you go to the Narcotic Addict - 12 Step Support board, they have the steps at the top. Maybe reading through them might help you to see if he is making any progress in his own recovery.

In the meantime, how are you doing with your meetings and such? Take care of you and what you need! He can take care of him. I wish I had something to say to make it easier, or make sense.
((((hugs))))
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Old 03-10-2008, 09:41 AM
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i dont beleive he is in "recovery" when he doesnt think he has anything to recover from !!
how am i doing? well, i think im doing ok, but im trying to figure out if i can stay with someone who cant accept the truth....who cant bear to hear facts like he spent thousands upon thousands of dollars on drugs----he cant hear it....what does that say about that person??? If it were me, and it was something i knew to be true---it would hurt, yeah, but i would have to deal with the truth....somehow..
what is it about some people that they simply cant deal with the truth that they psychologically create a wall and have to defend themselves from the truth...because their brains or their soles or whatever cannot deal with it??? is it narcisism???
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Old 03-10-2008, 10:44 AM
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I'm glad you're feeling OK! Reading your posts are like reading my own thoughts! When I asked my therapist this question a few weeks ago - she right away said that it sounds like my AH is very narcisistic. I know about narcisism, but I guess I hadn't put this behavior in with what I knew, but basically - it is. It's all about them, protecting them, making sure they're OK, etc... All about them.

In my case, I believe my AH's lack of coping skills is what contributed largely to his abuse of pain-killers - to numb himself, and it seems like this is a common thread. What I have come to understand is that this ability to deny and alter reality to fit their own thoughts is also common behavior. So, while it doesn't really help me to know that in one way, the fact that it's just part of the whole package makes it easier for me to put it in that pile, so to speak. I will never really understand it, I just know for me, that I cannot deal with it in my life any more.

Good luck figuring out what you're going to do. It is difficult. Give yourself time to make sure whatever decision you make is the one you are willing to do, either road is very difficult and challenging! In the meantime, take care of you!
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Old 03-10-2008, 10:47 AM
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Drained,

You can’t have recovery if you won’t acknowledge a problem exists.
If he’s not acknowledging his drug use was a problem to himself and those around him, then what does he think he is seeing a therapist for?

It sounds like he is gas lighting, attending therapy for the marriage but is sitting in blame towards you. His wheels are going to just keep spinning and spinning, it would appear he’s doing nothing more then wasting time and money in therapy.

If what he ordered from India was in fact cream then he would be able to show you this cream to alleviate and doubt and put you at ease but he’s not done that. It would appear he’s exchanged one drug of choice for another.

How are you doing with your codependency issues and your own recovery program?
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Old 03-10-2008, 01:57 PM
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what am i going to do??
if he is a narcisist...then i can never had a real relationship with him...
i think he is going to therapy talking issues other than drugs--which is ok--i think the main issue is not the drugs, but why he turned to them in the first place.

Im really getting scared and sick to my stomache that if he is narcicistic, im in for hell....more hell...also, our marriage counselour keeps talking about me...my past, my childhood--my dad---(who abandoned me at 14)---

help!!!
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Old 03-10-2008, 02:17 PM
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Originally Posted by drainedwife View Post
also, our marriage counselour keeps talking about me...my past, my childhood--my dad---(who abandoned me at 14)---
Does it bother you when the counselor brings it up? If yes, why?
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Old 03-11-2008, 07:15 AM
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I will gladly talk about my dad and how he didnt support his family--but it has nothing to do with my husband's drug use and his treatment of me--
something the therapist doesnt seem to focus on...instead he asked me if i have a problem trusting men--i said no, i never had a problem trusting my husband before all of this--it wasnt an issue in our marriage...and he said "well you sought out someone who you could trust, so it is an issue" Doesnt everyone seek out soemone they can trust??
I dont know what in the world he was trying to get at...

as for the narcisism being a deal breaker--well, drugs is something you can recover from-and it is a deal breaker for me--i just never had the courage to go through with it...narcissism is one of the hardest things to treat and many therapists dont even want to work with someone who is narcissistic.....anyway, what do i want??? i want to be happy..i want to have a healthy relationship with someone i can trust and not have to worry about what i say--being able to air my greivences without worrying that my spouse might flip out or take it as an insult or attack on him--
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Old 03-11-2008, 07:52 AM
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I think anvilehead makes a great point on where your therapist is focusing. You seem to think that keeping the focus only on his drug use or why he turned to drugs is going to bring about all the answers and solve all the problems. If he’s lucky enough to even get to that it’s still HIS problem and you still have YOUR own problems.

Your codependency is not healthy for you or your marriage. It sounds like your therapist is trying to get you to understand why you have made some of the choices you have so in the future you will be able to make healthier ones for yourself.
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