Somebody say something

Old 03-06-2008, 05:04 AM
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Somebody say something

I need support. MY AH is not using at the moment... at least not that I am aware and I can't play private detective anymore!!! I have told him that I can't do this anymore and that I think we should split up. Of course, as I have said prior, he says, "why can't you give me one more chance? You stayed with me when I was a jerk, and now that I am not using you want to leave???"

I start feeling guilty, but truly I don't want to be with him anymore. We have two beautiful kids, but other than that, he has ruined my life. I know that I have let him do it, but I don't want to anymore. Of course the kids don't know about the substance abuse...he hides things very well. They just know think "Mom doesn't like Dad and poor Daddy." Because he is such a mess over the fact that I have put my foot down this time, he is leaning heavy on the kids and really working hard at making me feel awful.

It gets worse. We had a very tragic death in our lives this week. My 14 year old daughter is not handling this well. As expected. She wasn't able to go to school for a couple days and I looked to the guidance counselor for help. When daughter went back to school GC checked in with her. Thank goodness for the extra support. Daughter chose to share home situation (possible divorce) w/ GC. I am fine with that. Daughter was angry w/me for asking for help, angry with herself for talking about home situation.

She told AH... who of course was angry at me for looking for help... although he tried playing the passive/aggressive approach..."it's ok, I don't care if she talked with the GC. What was she supposed to do the woman kept pressuring her and wouldn't accept that the death was the only thing going on." "She (daughter) came to me about it..." Meanwhile, daughter is angry with me and again, Daddy is the hero, Mom is the awful one for doing this to him.

Today is AH's b-day...laying the guilt on thick today. My life is a mess. He's ruined it and I don't know how to stay strong and move forward. I feel like maybe I should just give in...one more time... and live this way. I know that's not the right answer, but I am emotionally exhausted. Give me strength.

Sorry I am rambling, but I need someone to help me. My life is a mess.
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Old 03-06-2008, 05:52 AM
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I would recommend marriage counseling or therapy but it doesn't sound like that's an option for you. Are you sure your mind is made up?

Overcoming the bitterness and resentment against the addict I'm sure is normal. My AH has screwed up my life too but now that he's clean (at least for now), I found that I have to forgive him in order to grow personally. The anger was going to eat me alive much like the drugs or alchohol eat them alive when they are in active addiction. You can never forget. You must not ever forget.

If you can't put your feelings aside then you probably need to move on. The kids will be mad - at least at your daugher's age, that is normal but it if it brings you happiness and peace, perhaps one day they will thank you or at the very least respect you for taking care of you and ultimately them. It's a tough situation.

Not talking to anyone is not the answer. Thank goodness you are here because there will be many along to talk to you and point you in directions you probably would have never thought of on your own.

I'll keep watching to see what happens. I wish you happiness and peace.
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Old 03-06-2008, 06:09 AM
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I am seeing a counselor and she is helping... but she can't live on my shoulder. This forum is such a great help. Thank you for the quick response. We have been to marriage counseling and frankly the counselor said that until my AH was willing to deal with his issues there was no point in us continuing. How's that for 'ya... we got thrown out of marriage counseling! Of course, he has not done anything to deal with the problem, just says he can handle it and has stopped. Oh well, one day at a time, right? Thank you again.
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Old 03-06-2008, 06:16 AM
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I don't know if you're husband is working a program of recovery, but my guess if is he were, he'd know better than to try and guilt you. Sounds as if he's desperate and trying whatever he can to get his way.

The important thing I've learned in recovery is that I have to take care of me, healthy care of me. For so long I worried about everyone else, making them happy, and how I looked in other people's eyes. I had to look good, be the good guy, be the nice one. That thinking is what was got me to the point of being totally miserable because it is literally impossible to please everyone else all the time.

Recovery is about taking a good look at ourselves and deciding that we are worth the hard work and decisions it takes to save our lives/sanity. I know there is more involved here, with the kids an all. But I've learned I just cannot compromise myself anymore for the sake of someone else. Because when I do that, then I am not happy and, in the long run, those other people aren't happy either.

You might want to think about the resentfulness you'll feel if you yet again give in just to make everyone else happy. I DO know this one thing. Resentfulness will eat you alive. I've been there.

Hugs and prayers for you, praying you can shut out all those voices coming at you from all sides. Praying that you can sit down with you HP and take a good look at YOUR life and what would be best. It may require some tough decisions, but in the end, I've found when I am true to myself and don't compromise just to make everyone else happy with me, it's then I am happy with myself and my life.

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Old 03-06-2008, 07:00 AM
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One thing that I have learned from my program of Al-anon is that we don't have to act on feelings, we just have to feel them. Also we don't have to , and shouldn't, make any decisions when we first begin our recovery from all of this.
i know at the beginning, when I first accepted that there was a problem so many feelings and emotions flooded me. I had ignored, denied, shoved them down for so long it was as if a trap Door opened and they all came out and I could no longer put them away.
when this happened I wanted to act immediately to the hurt and anger. I like answers to problems. I don't like the unknown at all. Especially now that I have found some of these problems have been around for awhile.
but i have found such peace in just taking in the feelings, acknowledging them, and accepting them, but holding decisions off until i can really wrap myself around what it is I want. Not just today but for my life. I'm okay with knowing that might take me awhile to figure out.
I needed some space from my spouse to do this but I'm in no hurry to divorce or move back in. I'll know when I AM READY to make a decision. this is new for me since I'm used to making decisions based on what would be best for everyone else. But I have no children at home which made it easier.
I just wanted you to know you don't have to make any decisions today.
Work your own program, be a mom, ask him for time and patience, and take care of you and eventually you'll know what you really want and need and it won't be based on anger or fear or disappointment.
Praying for all of us dealing with this.
Cathy
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Old 03-06-2008, 08:27 AM
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Imallright - I've been right where you are. I went about all this a little backwards, by the time I got here and into f2f meetings, while everyone was advising me I shouldn't make any rash decisions regarding my marriage, I had just spent 2 years watching it die and the final 3 months over the summer when I finally called it quits. The thing is, I didn't know until about 3 weeks or so later that I was dealing with an addict. I did stop pushing the divorce through, but it's been a long 5+ months. The guilt. OMG. I've been getting the you're not willing to work on the marriage, you're the one walking away, etc. Are you kidding me? After years of begging, pleading, rationalizing, etc. for a partner, friend, intimacey, etc. and having him "try" (maybe) for a week or so and then back to his comfort zone. I knew I had tried everything I knew how, including therapy for myself, to make this marriage work for me and it never had so it was finally time for me to call it over and done. I have had to hang on to past angers and resentments, because when I let them go, he started working in there - like it was a crack in the armor, and for me to stick to my guns this time, I have had to keep those angers and resentments close as a reminder of how I got here, but I also know that I am ready to let those feelings go. they are only a tool for me at this point.

Good luck to you, whatever you decide to do. What has been said above is true, you have to do for you- no one else. Even your children (altho I'm sure they are accounted for and weighed in). Point is, no one else knows how you feel or what got you to the breaking point but you. Not really, and their opinions on whether they agree or not with whatever decision you reach does not matter. Those other people are not going to have to live your life! Your kids are going to grow up, go away to school, get jobs, get married, etc. This is your life, make sure you take the time to make the best choice for you!
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Old 03-06-2008, 08:34 AM
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imallright,

If you are not happy and you stay in that marriage you will hate yourself. How old are your kids? I would ask your consuler if she thought it was good idea if you sat down and told the children what is going on with their dad.

I let my first husband blame me for our divorce. I let my daughter think that I just wanted out of the marriage. NOw that she is 23 she dislikes me because she said her whole life she just did not understand why her father was not good enough for me.

My second divorce which was an active addict, we let my youngest did not understand. When he got old enough I sat down and told him the reason for the divorce was that his dad was an drug addict and I could no longer live with him or be married to him.

But I made sure he was old enough to understand. If you let him make you feel guilty for leaving he wins and the children lose. You do not need to divorce him, you could try a seperation.

I would say go with your gut. It sounds like you no longer care for this man and that is not fair for you to stay if you no longer are in love with guy. YOu cannot use the children to stay in a loveless marriage.
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Old 03-06-2008, 03:03 PM
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Counselor is suggesting that when I am ready, I need to let the kids know why I am doing what I am trying to do. Why I am unhappy with the marriage. Tough. I hate to "bash" him and I want those kids to have a normal family. Unfortunately, it "ain't" what they've got! How in the world did I end up here!!! How in the world do I move on???
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Old 03-06-2008, 03:08 PM
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My life is a mess. He's ruined it and I don't know how to stay strong and move forward. I feel like maybe I should just give in...one more time... and live this way. I know that's not the right answer, but I am emotionally exhausted.
Maybe if you quit giving in you wouldn't feel like your life was a mess anymore and you might not be emotionally exhausted.

The best thing to do when you are stuck in a rut is to stop digging. :-)
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