katiedid79

You are absoulty right about that. What else can I do? Whats the best approach? I cant just leave. Where am I gonna go . Its not fair that I should have to leave Im being responsiable hes not. Well I guess that comes under life is not fair deal with it........

idahoone

(((Katie))) There are lots of wise words before me. I told you yesterday that the addict in my life is my son which is true but years ago, my son's dad was the addict in my life. Compared to what others on this board have dealt with, my time with him wasn't too bad...but it was too bad for me so I left and took my son. For me- I couldn't take the emotional abuse which is what he did when he was drinking which was every day. It sounds to me like you have been with this man a very long time but you have a new baby (just 5 months right?)- you absolutely have to set boundaries and stick to them for for you and more importantly your baby.

Keep coming and reading and posting- this board is filled with wise people who are willling to share with others and that is the "magic" of the board that brought me back.

Hugs and prayers,

katiedid79

He just called a sec. ago and siad that he expected to see his phone when he got up this morning. Well guess last night was just a manupulation . Which of course is no suprise to me. It does kinda hurt . I told him that when he comes up with the 50$ I would be happy to return his phone. I told him you have not paid anything on the phone bill in well over 6 months and I think that is fair. Well he said hatefully I gotta go and hung up on me. Owell............. Well gotta run my moms coming for the weekend or at least part of it so the weekend should go well . He has a habit that if family is around that he does and acts acorrdanly. You know plan B might be to have my mom come stay with me for a while thats sure to run him off .

kj0975

Katie all the things that you have mentioned about your ABF leads me to believe its alot more than pills hes into. I know heroin addicts stop taking showers and hygene cause they believe that the dirt in the pores keeps the opiate in there system longer. I was an hydro addict and NOT once did my hygeine go out the window I still showered and took care of myself. This problem is alot bigger than anything your gonna be able to handle. Look at the substance abuse forum and notice the pill addicts shower and take care of themselves. I might be wrong but from my experience in the opiates and everyone I know that takes pills they dont stop taking care of themselves. The heroin addict I know dont take care of themselves.

I think its time to just pack up and leave put the house on the market and move on. I know its not easy and I know you will do it in your own time. Right now your still in the he will become the person he WAS stage and thats not gonna happen. Your relationship has turned into a parent/child relationship not a healthy adult relationship. I dont know how much longer you can go on playing detective and babysitting him along with your 5 mo old. The addict is alot more cunning and will stay one step ahead of you so good luck playing detective. Its a case your might never solve.

biocat

Funny!

Mine is just the opposite. He makes a complete a$$ out of himself whenever my mother is around. Now, with his mother it's a different story.

hello-kitty

Hi Katie. Thanks for all the updates! I'm so GLAD that you stuck to your boundaries about the cell phone.

I think (and this is just MY opinion, for what it's worth) that he was being respectful, watching the baby, helping out a little, to try to manipulate you and get his phone back.

Don't give in honey. It's hard when we first start standing up for ourselves and our boundaries. The addicts in our lives can't believe it. They act like two year olds - first they try to be all nice, then they get all nasty. Even if you think what you are doing feels like you are being controlling, your not. He's free to go get his own cell phone if that's what he chooses. There is no law that you have to provide one for him.

Youre doing awesome with your boundary!

By the way, did he shower last night? eek!

mooselips

katiedid79,
Hi, I'm glad you found us, and hopefully you will come to some kind of a decision on how you want to live YOUR life, cause after all, this is your LIFE we're talking about here, and your childs. Which is really important to remember when you're deciding which direction to go.


The bottom line is...NOTHING you do or say is going to change him. Nothing. He is an addict and he will remain an addict until he decides it's not the life for him, and seeks recovery. (Which from my experience takes alot longer if we get in the way and enable them)


Now, the question is...since you cannot change him, no matter what tactics you utilize, what are you going to do to take care of yourself and your daughter?

If everything remains the same, in one year, two years...etc. do you want your daughter raised in this type of home?

The choices are all yours.


I know this is hard for you, hugs, and strength coming your way...

imallright

If you haven't already, you might want to ask for Mom's support and guidance. You may find you have an alternative you did not think about. I know that for years I hid what was happening in my life and how painful it had been. Didn't want my family, my Mom to know what a mistake I had made and how "dumb" I was to live the way I was living. My AH was/is always at his best when other family is around. BUT, they go home. Have fun w/Mom and again, think about asking for help and support. You deserve better.

blueflower

hello-kitty, thank you for your post. It was a bit of reassurance that I needed. I mostly tolerate just about everything, including misogynist "jokes" and whatnot because I saw that reason won't work on someone who doesn't care, and if I say "that joke isn't funny" he tells me I'm oversensitive, and then visciously ridicules me to anyone who will listen for saying that if he loves women as much as he says he does, he wouldn't make such jokes.

But the boundary thing has been tough. I'm the "controlling" one because I won't just let him drive around in the car he's not working to help pay off after he wrecked the last one I still haven't paid off, etc. The last one since I gave up even speaking unless spoken to entirely, was his verbal violence and beating up of objects and his own head (???); it got out of hand and he yelled at me to "call the police then" and then i said "fine I will." I went to, and he said "good, if that's what you WANT." Of course, me being a fool trapped by my own lack of ______, I didn't call the police. I let him control me again by feeling bad about it.

Thank you for your post. It was very affirming that I'm not crazy.

katiedid79

I hope thats not the case. I dont think it is I havent seen any signs of this. With the hydros and hes using suboxen its like during the day he has no energy sounds down then he comes home and has all this energy ... He told my mom that he did them because it gave him energy to work . I dont understand this. How do they give you energy?

katiedid79

Maybe have his mother move in.. LOL

katiedid79

an udate, On friday he went out he siad he was going to his brothers house, he and his brother went to a freinds I called there no answer so I figured out were his was going. No big deal.... Well he called me said he was coming home and I called one of the persons that was down there and they told on him and said he had used... So did another one of his freinds/my friends both of those two people use as well so......... He came home and I questioned him of course he didnt do anything wrong . I got mad because he swore up and down that the last time he did anythign was monday. Notice he said anything.... So he went off the deep end big time . He showed his a** was making no sence at all. All he had was about 3 or 4 beers and one hydro went around for 5 people according to the one friend that was down there. This isnt the first time I have noticed this type of flying of the handle behavour. If I was being accused of doing somthing I didnt do I would not be outside kicking stuff , throwing stuff , yelling ... All while his baby is trying to sleep. Slamming the door. Got up in my face. That kind of thing. I should have called the cops. I told him if he ever acts like that agian I will call. His excuse and I quote "I was mad". At one piont he got so mad that he was like why dont you just leave. I looked dead at him and siad , do you want me to cause I will. You should have seen his face. He shut up really fast then. Then it dawned on me just how dependent he is on me.
So anyways. The next day and sunday everything was fine and well. We did have a conversation about if he didnt use since that last monday and if he wanted to prove that he wasnt lying then I could go by a drug test and he could take it. He said that would be fine, that I was just wasting my money . I told him that I would leave later in the day and go get one. He siad several times that I was wasting my money and should not waste it. Then he siad will suboxon make me fail it? I told him yes. Then he procedes to go in the truck and pull out a small vary small peice/chunk of this pink/orange looking pill .... I said well guess I dont have to waste my money now. Then siad that the pill had been there and he hadnt done it since before monday. Huh? do I have stupid wrote on my face. I dont think so ,. If he hadnt done it then he could still take a drug test. He told me to take it and flush it. I told him I didnt want to touch it let alone look at it. I told him if he wanted to get rid of it do it yourself.... Im pretty sure that he put it back. Whatever. So he has been doing more things around the house ect. He says, Im just doing want you want... I said the only thing I want is for you to get clean. So he says he is trying I told him if you are trying then go to rehab. He says he dosnt need it he can do it on his own. He says if he can stop smoking cigs cold turkey then he can stop. I dont think this is the case. So Im working on what Im going to do to stop enabling him further and let him stand on his own 2 feet. Also he took another shower!!! We will see. Im not going to stop my life and look out for him any more. I will not leave my house. He pisses me off and his butt will be thrown out and I will call the cops on him. Hes driving around with out a license at the moment...............

kj0975

One HYDRO for 5 people come on....... Whats the point? Why would he take sub's if he doesnt abuse hydro casual pill poppers dont take subs. NOTHING is making sense as it normally doesnt when dealing with an addict. You keep searching for clues, he will never admit to anything. I dont know something more is going on thats what my gut is telling me at least. Hydros would give me energy too but I never crashed when they wore off.

katiedid79

My gut is telling me that to. He said and admitted that he was dependent but not an addict.... Same thing to me. I think he knows he has a problem but the addiction is to strong right now and it just shows that he is not wanting to quit. Which I know I cannot control this. The persons that were doing this are not addicted. I think at least one of them is but 2 of them are not they just use if somome has it and they dont have to pay for it. I had intercepted a message from a person that said she had what he wanted ... And the second message she left was the sky is blue... I snooped in his cell phone. I just dont know what else he could be doing. Every one I have spoken with just comfirm the pills . He says he takes the suboxon becuase it helps with the withdrawel symptons . He does it to help with the cravings . I have noticed that he will crush the pills up and hide them in wrappers that you would get if you took crap cant remeber what its called but its pretty much crushed/powered tylonel you can buy in the store. And then somehow he snorts it . I have found pill (blue color) on the porch and other places. Mostly the pills I find are the white watson 357 I believe. Must be coming from the same person. Somtime I find blue ones not sure what those are guessing about the same thing. I did find half of a pill it was rather thick pill with one hell of a time release looking coating on it with blue righting. I couldnt make any of the righting out. He tried to tell me it was suboxon. I dont know where he would get the money to do this as he has not gotten a pay check in well over a month . I spoke to the guy he is working for and he siad he is using almost everyday and he does know about the hydro and do know that he has not gotten any money from his job, incase he was lying to me. I wonder if he is doing oxycontins or somthing like that. He says he dosnt do those they make him sick. I do know that he has done these way along time ago and he would get nasty and irrtated.... Wonder if that could be it.

katiedid79

I sat and thought about this for awhile. Actions speak louder then words. I think my next plan of action is writing up a list of how Im not going to support him with money at all. He has a job I pay all the bills for the most part. He hasnt paid anything in well over 2 months. So If he cant support his job and himself, well time for a change. If he dosnt like it then he can choose to leave. And also what I want out of life and the direction I want to go in..........

MrsMagoo

A white Watson 387 is Vicoden (Hydrocodone). I couldnt' find anything definative on the net on a Watson 357.....

hello-kitty

Hi Katie, why don't you first start by making a list of the reasons why you are with this guy. The real reasons. Cuz he isn't going to change. I'm sorry. But you cannot make him change. You can only change yourself. Nothing you do or say is going to get him to stop using drugs. Nothing. He needs more help than you can give him.

Please put your entire focus on your child. Lets say all things remain exactly the same with your babies dad. What do you want for your baby as she grows up? (who is going to grow up into a toddler - and put the blue things she finds in her mouth by the way...My little one ate a bunch of advil gel caps when he was 18 months old. He saw them on top of my dresser (they were in a plastic bag) when I carried him into my bedroom. He thought they looked like candy. He got out of bed, climbed on top of the dresser, ate through the little plastic baggy they were in, and swallowed them. I had to call the fire department. Pretty scarey, embarrassing and horrible.)

Do you want your daughter to grow up with an active addict in the house? If not, then start thinking about what you are going to do for you and stop worrying about him. He is a big boy. He can take care of himself. Maybe it's time he started...

Chino

Our brains produce natural opiates aka endorphins. When a person becomes dependent on synthetic opiates, the brain quits producing them reinforcing the dependency. He gets energy from them because his brain no longer produces endorphins.

MrsMagoo

Exactly!