Just needing a quick reality check....

Old 03-05-2008, 07:27 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: New England
Posts: 82
Just needing a quick reality check....

I had been doing really well dealing with moving out of my shared apt with my ex, I've been moving forward career wise, enrolled in two classes toward my graduate degree (which I'm scheduled to complete in December!), booked a vacation, etc... I was really proud of myself for moving on and regaining my life.

Today, though, has been particularly hard. I'm not totally sure why. Last week he stole my credit card and maxed it out, so I've kind of been "sucked" back into his world in having to deal with that (a police report has been filed and charges have been disputed with the credit card company...). I guess I'm just feeling like I did everything right - everything I needed to do to remove him from my life, and I just can't get away.
To top it off, my family has had a lot of medical problems, my mom went into the hospital not long after I moved home and was there for over a month - she just got home this week. She's recovering from some major surgery now. My dad is also recovering from an even more major surgery from a few months back.
This past weekend, I finally dragged myself to go through the boxes that were, literally, thrown together when I moved out with about an hour's notice. It was hard to see pictures of the happy times, and then, to make matters worse, found some pill shells in the bottom of a box - the casing to the perc caplets he would pull apart and sniff....

I'm just feeling myself going back to the way I felt before I left him. I felt like I was doing SO well at being ME again. Going out with girlfriends on the weekends, planning vacations, etc. I know it's a long road, and there are going to be ups and downs, but I just feel like I lost that light at the end of the tunnel. I left, I cut all ties, I did everything I could to remove myself from his world, and he still manages to come up with my credit card number and max it out.... I still have no idea how he did it - all my mail is being forwarded, I have my card with me.... Who knows, he probably copied it down months ago and was holding on to it for a rainy day....

Thanks for letting me vent.... I'm just feeling frustrated and knocked down... Any words of encouragement would be appreciated....
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Old 03-05-2008, 07:49 PM
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086

You are doing great! It's a lot to be hit with, your parents, then going through the boxes. No doubt it hit you at a vulnerable time. Your strength is a beacon! I am following your example as best I can in my situation! You are doing great, and I don't think that there can't be some set-backs here and there. We are human, this is life, life is messy and complicated sometimes!

Take care of yourself! Keep remembering everything you're doing for yourself! Keep focused on the life you want! Sounds like you're well on your way!

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Old 03-05-2008, 07:54 PM
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: New England
Posts: 82
Thank you - that really helped.... I really needed the kind words - and from somebody who "got it".....
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Old 03-05-2008, 08:50 PM
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Location: a better place
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You haven't lost the light...don't worry. Sometimes the tunnel bends a bit and we think the light is gone. But as we keep doing the next right thing and moving forward, we pass the bend and see that light again.

I've found that vulnerable times like you describe are when I need to push myself to interact and not isolate. I need to come here; it helps. I also get myself to a meeting. Often when I am in that kind of state, I don't feel up to sharing...I almost can't articulate what I'm feeling. But just stepping into the rooms and feeling the serenity, being surrounded by people who care...that restores my sense of balance and helps me over the hump.

You've had so much to deal with and not too much time to process. Perhaps give yourself the time to grieve the loss of this relationship...just take the pain out for a little bit, let it see the day, then gently put it aside and go on moving forward.

Hug...Prayers for you and your folks too!
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Old 03-06-2008, 04:47 AM
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Location: In.....trouble :-)
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You didn't get into this place overnight and getting out of it doesn't happen overnight either. Now that I've given you the "good" news........

Seriously, don't beat yourself up. Your HP has you right where you need to be today. Some days things are thrown in our face that take us back to things we don't want to feel. But I've learned that all that is part of MY recovery from living with addiction. The good part is when I do have my little relapses, I now realize it. I know when my stinkin' thinkin' is kicking in, and I can now tell myself that I am not going to go there. Keep in mind I didn't get to this place overnight. It has taken me quite some time to come to a comfortable place of cutting myself some slack when I want to go back to my old behavior. But when I do, I remind myself that it does nothing but steal my serenity. I use some slogans I have learned in Al Anon..."move a muscle, change a mood" or "let go and let God" or just call a recovery friend who can remind me of what I need to be doing.

Meetings help me tremendously. I get a good, face to face, dose of recovery twice a week in those meetings and I know I need it to keep me somewhat level in my recovery.

Just dust yourself off, keep reading here, listening to the wise folks who have something you want, and maybe add meetings to your life. You can get past this little setback.

Hangin' In
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