What I thought I learned but learned that I didn't
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 59
What I thought I learned but learned that I didn't
Hi All,
It's been quite a while since I've posted anything, but I read almost daily. I haven't really had much to post in terms of my a because I had stayed away from her for quite a while, but of course, I'm here again because I obviously didn't learn what I thought I had before. The only difference this time is that I'm not so angry, no so unsure of some things as I have been in the past. I tried again with her. I guess I "forgot" what I really needed to remember and allowed myself to get duped just one more time. She definitely got better at deception, no doubt about that, because she "said" all the right things, how communication was most important, invited me to ask questions when I had them instead of "jumping" to conclusions, alot of the good healthy stuff that I guess everyone wants with another person when it comes to any kind of relationship. In the end it was just the same quacking nonsense with a whole different package and what I thought I learned before and forgot was that people just don't change, not unless they really want to, and the ones that do, you'll know it, there will be no question about it, because everything about them will show a willingness to change, a willingness to be open to new ideas, and everything else is just the same ole nonsense, redirection, lack of responsibility for one's own behavior, and everything else the addicts do to make us feel like the crazy ones, the person redirecting responsibility for bad behavior
I'm not angry about all of it, I'm just freakin tired. Isn't it the most tiring thing in the world to expend unnecessary energy trying to reason with something or someone that just isn't reasonable, someone who makes it up as they go, either refuses to address something, denies it ever happened, or then decides the version she or he told last week doesn't suit him or her this week, time to change stories, change tactics, gears, whatever. I love the smokescreens, the way everything and anything, any minor or major disagreement from the past is brought into the present whether real or conjured up, anything and everything that has absolutely nothing to do with the present is brought up just to do anything possible to lead away from the real issue at hand and avoid taking responsibility for bad behavior.
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, that's what they say in the rooms. Well, I'm insane for sure then. I'd like to kick myself in the butt for going back into the jungle when I had stayed out of it for so long, but I'm just too tired to right now. I'd like to ask myself "What the h$ll was I thinking?" but I already know I wasn't. I really can't even talk to anyone anymore because they stopped shaking their heads with me 2 reconciliations ago.
I'm just freakin exhausted already. I too have behaved badly. I behaved badly by allowing myself to allow people places and things around me that are absolutely no good for me. if I wasn't so exhausted, I'd probably feel sick to my stomach which the anxiety that would always follow, at least for a few days until I would managed to distance my emotions,but all I can really think about right now is a warm sun, hot sand, the sounds of birds and waves crashing,lots of palm trees, a lounge chair and a fishing pole.
I'm just wondering now whether I've actually learned something for sure now, or whether I'm just too tired to care.
It's been quite a while since I've posted anything, but I read almost daily. I haven't really had much to post in terms of my a because I had stayed away from her for quite a while, but of course, I'm here again because I obviously didn't learn what I thought I had before. The only difference this time is that I'm not so angry, no so unsure of some things as I have been in the past. I tried again with her. I guess I "forgot" what I really needed to remember and allowed myself to get duped just one more time. She definitely got better at deception, no doubt about that, because she "said" all the right things, how communication was most important, invited me to ask questions when I had them instead of "jumping" to conclusions, alot of the good healthy stuff that I guess everyone wants with another person when it comes to any kind of relationship. In the end it was just the same quacking nonsense with a whole different package and what I thought I learned before and forgot was that people just don't change, not unless they really want to, and the ones that do, you'll know it, there will be no question about it, because everything about them will show a willingness to change, a willingness to be open to new ideas, and everything else is just the same ole nonsense, redirection, lack of responsibility for one's own behavior, and everything else the addicts do to make us feel like the crazy ones, the person redirecting responsibility for bad behavior
I'm not angry about all of it, I'm just freakin tired. Isn't it the most tiring thing in the world to expend unnecessary energy trying to reason with something or someone that just isn't reasonable, someone who makes it up as they go, either refuses to address something, denies it ever happened, or then decides the version she or he told last week doesn't suit him or her this week, time to change stories, change tactics, gears, whatever. I love the smokescreens, the way everything and anything, any minor or major disagreement from the past is brought into the present whether real or conjured up, anything and everything that has absolutely nothing to do with the present is brought up just to do anything possible to lead away from the real issue at hand and avoid taking responsibility for bad behavior.
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, that's what they say in the rooms. Well, I'm insane for sure then. I'd like to kick myself in the butt for going back into the jungle when I had stayed out of it for so long, but I'm just too tired to right now. I'd like to ask myself "What the h$ll was I thinking?" but I already know I wasn't. I really can't even talk to anyone anymore because they stopped shaking their heads with me 2 reconciliations ago.
I'm just freakin exhausted already. I too have behaved badly. I behaved badly by allowing myself to allow people places and things around me that are absolutely no good for me. if I wasn't so exhausted, I'd probably feel sick to my stomach which the anxiety that would always follow, at least for a few days until I would managed to distance my emotions,but all I can really think about right now is a warm sun, hot sand, the sounds of birds and waves crashing,lots of palm trees, a lounge chair and a fishing pole.
I'm just wondering now whether I've actually learned something for sure now, or whether I'm just too tired to care.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: New England
Posts: 82
I know what you mean... I left my ex a while back, but he recently stole a credit card and maxed it out... I should be furious.. but I'm not - i'm TIRED. I just want him to go away.
I understand your exhaustion. The desire to just want it to END.
As far as warm sun, hot sand, etc... I maxed out my one remaining credit card when I left him and booked myself a cruise... Smart financial decision - no. What I needed to do - absolutely yes!
I managed to pay down my card only for him to somehow get ahold of the number and buy himself some awfully nice gifts.... I'm just SO tired of it all!
I understand your exhaustion. The desire to just want it to END.
As far as warm sun, hot sand, etc... I maxed out my one remaining credit card when I left him and booked myself a cruise... Smart financial decision - no. What I needed to do - absolutely yes!
I managed to pay down my card only for him to somehow get ahold of the number and buy himself some awfully nice gifts.... I'm just SO tired of it all!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Texas
Posts: 113
It's a process. When you're through, you will know. You will get to the point where you will be on the outside looking in, and it's still heartbreaking, but you can finally say it doens't effect you. That alone is sand, surf, sun and a fishing pole!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
I'm tired and I'm not even part of my exs life anymore other than we have this son together. He wants nothing to do with his son, prefers to spend his time with a crack pipe in his mouth, but I'm still being affected by the nightmare. We have a child together. I have to establish sole custody. It costs ME money & time to do that - if it's even possible since I have no way to contact his addict father to serve him papers. I have to pay to have the rights to make decisions for my child because his father can't be bothered to put his crack pipe down long enough to sign official paperwork.
I'm beyond tired. I am bitter. I am depressed. I feel like it was just yesterday he was using and abusing me. It's been 2 1/2 years that we've been broken up and he still tortures me. And he tortures his son too.
I'm just so depressed right now I can hardly stand it. I can't remember the last time I was so so sad. I know that what he does with his life is out of my control. But it frustrates me to no end that many things I need to do are still being affected by him and his need to control me.
I'm beyond tired. I am bitter. I am depressed. I feel like it was just yesterday he was using and abusing me. It's been 2 1/2 years that we've been broken up and he still tortures me. And he tortures his son too.
I'm just so depressed right now I can hardly stand it. I can't remember the last time I was so so sad. I know that what he does with his life is out of my control. But it frustrates me to no end that many things I need to do are still being affected by him and his need to control me.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Hi done!!!!!!!! :ghug3
I am sorry you've had to go through this all again. Though I know you're too tired to even think about it, I know you've grown a lot this time around just by how you're talking.
I started working out again this year. Been off of it for a long time, and my health was suffering, so I'm back. The two days after a hard, hard workout I feel as though I could sleep all day and take my meals through an IV drip. My trainer insists that this is simply a symptom of having broken old muscle fibers and my body being busy building new ones.
Perhaps your body and soul are just busy building a new, strong you.
Give yourself a break. Any chance you can treat yourself to at least a weekend with that fishing pole, that sand and surf? Orbitz.com sometimes has last-minute flight specials for cheapo-cheap. I've thought about it.
Hugs to you --- you'll be okay. Rest, take tender care of yourself. You've been through the mill. It's okay. We've all done it.
GL
I am sorry you've had to go through this all again. Though I know you're too tired to even think about it, I know you've grown a lot this time around just by how you're talking.
I started working out again this year. Been off of it for a long time, and my health was suffering, so I'm back. The two days after a hard, hard workout I feel as though I could sleep all day and take my meals through an IV drip. My trainer insists that this is simply a symptom of having broken old muscle fibers and my body being busy building new ones.
Perhaps your body and soul are just busy building a new, strong you.
Give yourself a break. Any chance you can treat yourself to at least a weekend with that fishing pole, that sand and surf? Orbitz.com sometimes has last-minute flight specials for cheapo-cheap. I've thought about it.
Hugs to you --- you'll be okay. Rest, take tender care of yourself. You've been through the mill. It's okay. We've all done it.
GL
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: N. California
Posts: 50
Don't beat yourself up over this. I don't think you "forgot" what to do and allowed yourself to fall into the same rut. It sounds like you wanted to forgive a person that you cared about and that the end result was that she wasn't ready to deserve that yet . Stay strong , remember tomorrow is a new day
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: galveston, tx
Posts: 33
A wise person told me if you don't learn from the lesson it will keep repeating itself in your life...I know from personal experience it is true..Let the person go nonacceptance and subtle putdowns can be powerful deterrents to your growth. If you are not getting the love and support you need from a relationshipin your life, let go,move on. You'll then have the time and energy to concentrate on loving caring relationships.
also, go to the beach..
also, go to the beach..
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Western WA
Posts: 132
Many people think the opposite of love is hate..........that when you can really say you "hate" someone, that the love is gone and relationship over. In fact, the opposite of love is indifference. Sounds like you're there. It takes energy to hate, and only someone who deep down still cares will expend that energy on someone else. It sounds as if you are truly done..........you are no longer to spend any of your energy on her. Might be the best place for you to be if you are really looking to move on. Always harder to leave someone you still love than someone you are truly "over".
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 1,054
and everything else the addicts do to make us feel like the crazy ones,
I'm just wondering now whether I've actually learned something for sure now, or whether I'm just too tired to care.
Keep coming back. Huggs.
NH7
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Edmonton AB
Posts: 285
"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, that's what they say in the rooms. "
You made me smile, doneforsure. This description of insanity painted a picture of me a while ago wishing that this moment for me, right now, existed; peace.
You went for another round with your ex for a reason (in my opinion) just think about now, and not about "then" or even mistakes or thoughts about how you shouldn't have done what you did. You know now what you didn't know then therefor you can move on a little easier than last time.
It was good to hear from you again
You made me smile, doneforsure. This description of insanity painted a picture of me a while ago wishing that this moment for me, right now, existed; peace.
You went for another round with your ex for a reason (in my opinion) just think about now, and not about "then" or even mistakes or thoughts about how you shouldn't have done what you did. You know now what you didn't know then therefor you can move on a little easier than last time.
It was good to hear from you again
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 59
Thanks Mavis, thanks to all. I posted that some time ago, and as they say, time heals all wounds. It's been a good solid 8 months now since I ended that relationship with the exagf, and although I have certainly heard from her since then, especially around the holidays with the same typical "pity me, feel sorry for me" bs, I just don't fall for any of it anymore, not with her or anyone else for that matter. I think I'll always love her for a lot of reasons, I just don't love being around any person who adds nothing positive to my life or my sons, and only takes away. No thanks. There are too many others out here who are positive beings and hold and maintain a lot of the same values I hold. It has taken coming to a "point of indifference" and knowing these things and feeling them are certainly two vastly different things. I think that if we don't like how we feel, then changing how we think eventually really does help us to change those feelings, especially when those feelings come down to loving someone we know is just no good for us, at least at that point in time where what they do and say are things that are no good for us. I hope my exagf really does one day find whatever it is she needs to find. I just know my journey with her is over. I'm on another one right now, not sure where to exactly, when it will change, or where things will turn. I just know that this one is more peaceful, so much less chaotic, and it really is ok to just hang with oneself for a while, enjoy the "little things" that chaos and drama overpower and hide or just plain wear us out to the point we're too tired to see them
P.S. It's nice to hear from you again too Mavis. I haven't posted anything in quite some time, but I am here almost daily, still. To all those I never met, the people here, the experiences, the wisdom, and especially the compassion that so many offer makes this forum a place where you can bet you are surrounded by people who are the kind who are good for you and can relate to whatever your circumstances are, whatever you are feeling, and IMHO can only help by being around. I'm glad I came here when I did, and I'm still glad to be here now
Happy New Year to All
P.S. It's nice to hear from you again too Mavis. I haven't posted anything in quite some time, but I am here almost daily, still. To all those I never met, the people here, the experiences, the wisdom, and especially the compassion that so many offer makes this forum a place where you can bet you are surrounded by people who are the kind who are good for you and can relate to whatever your circumstances are, whatever you are feeling, and IMHO can only help by being around. I'm glad I came here when I did, and I'm still glad to be here now
Happy New Year to All
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