Oh , poor me.....talked to DH in rehab last night
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: N. California
Posts: 50
Oh , poor me.....talked to DH in rehab last night
I talked to my DH (on day 7 of 28 rehab) and he kept saying "I love you but I am starting to make decisions now to make myself happy, not others" WTF....sounds like his counselor talking, Hmmmm... did you take drugs and lie to me about it for me?? NO, did you lose your secure job with benefits of 15 yrs because of me??NO One of the main things that got to me was when he said that he had mentioned to his counselor that I have pretty much not been involved in his journey of AA, relapse etc. etc. I have supported him, helped him wean off his Vicodin, taken him to detox 5 yrs ago, talked to him about AA, went to an AA meeting with him, encouraged his participation at his many meetings (as many as 10 a week when needed) without bitching or getting mad about all his time away because I thought it was an investment in our future. No, I have not gone to Alanon yet and didn't ,when he asked if I was interested a few years ago but now I am ready and he got upset when I told him that I was going for ME and not for HIM. WHATEVER, I guess in the end, I am not sure what I am upset about, I'm sure the counselor hears pity trips all the time so hopefully they can help him see through it and not wallow in it. I'm not too concerned with what the counselor sees me as, I guess, I am just super bothered that HE, my DH does not think that I have been supportive all these years. AARGH,
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 53
i can understand your anger.
Once again, even in recovery, it sounds like the selfishness prevails and its ALL ABOUT THE A.
we cant win, if we support them, or use tough love with them..
its like being between the rock and hard place.
i can understand in their recovery they need to pay attention to themselves to
get clearer...but does that have to also mean ABANDONING THEIR LOVED ONES AS PART OF THAT PROCESS??
AGAIN..IT SOUNDS EXTREME...
and not taking responsibility towards committments, family.
Part of the recovery is doing for others, thinking of others, and service..
imo..that should start with their families!!
not give them the final kick after being there all along thru the ups and downs..
they then abandon them cause they need to go find themselves.
sorry, but i have heard this scenario so many times , not to me personally and it just sounds like one more copout and LAME EXCUSE...and way of not dealing!
take what you like and leave the rest!
Once again, even in recovery, it sounds like the selfishness prevails and its ALL ABOUT THE A.
we cant win, if we support them, or use tough love with them..
its like being between the rock and hard place.
i can understand in their recovery they need to pay attention to themselves to
get clearer...but does that have to also mean ABANDONING THEIR LOVED ONES AS PART OF THAT PROCESS??
AGAIN..IT SOUNDS EXTREME...
and not taking responsibility towards committments, family.
Part of the recovery is doing for others, thinking of others, and service..
imo..that should start with their families!!
not give them the final kick after being there all along thru the ups and downs..
they then abandon them cause they need to go find themselves.
sorry, but i have heard this scenario so many times , not to me personally and it just sounds like one more copout and LAME EXCUSE...and way of not dealing!
take what you like and leave the rest!
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
It's only day 7! He will change by the hour, if not by the day! Take a deep breath and remember your 3 C's! He needs to worry about him, and you take care of you! I bet that counselor sees this stuff all the time, and I would bet dollars to donuts that this is a very familiar pattern. For now, listen, but try not to hear too much! It's too soon to pay too much attention I think!
Hugs to you, I'm sure this is very difficult, but try to enjoy your peace at home!
Hugs to you, I'm sure this is very difficult, but try to enjoy your peace at home!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 53
HI CODEINEWIFE..
i agree it is very early...but i have heard this over and over...from so many A spouses even AFTER the A leaves rehab...and often after they hook up with a new rehab woman "friend".
huh?? no 13th stepping?!
sadly, it also seems to be a not too uncommon mantra from some in their support groups to encourage the A to leave the family cause she is the one who causes him to "use or drink" and he cant get "sober" around her.
so many come out of rehab, leave their families, and i thought they are not supposed to make any major changes the first year?
i agree , keep working your program Sierra, but there sure can be alot of hurtful behavior after sobriety too.
Charity should begin at home first...not get sober and then leave them and abandon them further.
imo..there is just more continuation of the A having "think of him/herself FIRST , even in recovery..
its a fine line between healthy self focus and just more of the same old same old..
ism of self centeredness going on.(only now its for their "recovery " and the sponsor or counselor or the AA buddies sugggested it.
how convenient...
off the hook again.
Sierra , im not saying this applies to you..but this thread provoked my feelings on this topic , and a trend i hear over and over again from spouses.
i agree it is very early...but i have heard this over and over...from so many A spouses even AFTER the A leaves rehab...and often after they hook up with a new rehab woman "friend".
huh?? no 13th stepping?!
sadly, it also seems to be a not too uncommon mantra from some in their support groups to encourage the A to leave the family cause she is the one who causes him to "use or drink" and he cant get "sober" around her.
so many come out of rehab, leave their families, and i thought they are not supposed to make any major changes the first year?
i agree , keep working your program Sierra, but there sure can be alot of hurtful behavior after sobriety too.
Charity should begin at home first...not get sober and then leave them and abandon them further.
imo..there is just more continuation of the A having "think of him/herself FIRST , even in recovery..
its a fine line between healthy self focus and just more of the same old same old..
ism of self centeredness going on.(only now its for their "recovery " and the sponsor or counselor or the AA buddies sugggested it.
how convenient...
off the hook again.
Sierra , im not saying this applies to you..but this thread provoked my feelings on this topic , and a trend i hear over and over again from spouses.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 325
Sierra,
Isn't this your DH (divorced husband)?
Is there any "good" reason WHY he is calling you? Do you have to talk to him for any reason?
It sounds to me like he is simply calling you to use you as his "punching bag"- still shaming and blaming you- telling you "not good enough."
Can you think of it this way? He is entitled to his beliefs and opinions and his expectations of others- but you my dear no longer have to listen to them!!! If it wasn't good enough then or today- Heck accept it!! It is okay!!! Was it and were you good enough for yourself? If so that is ALL that matters!!!! Some people are simply impossible to please, don't take it personally!!! Heck maybe it is time that he find someone who can be good enough or even wants to try!!
I agree with kmm- very strongly!! Treatment can almost be worse than when they are using- talk about "selfish"!!! A no win situation!! Damned if you do and damned if you don't. The same exact ACT- or feeling changes solely upon the addicts response and the choice they make. It is caring and good if they CHOOSE to recover or enabling and bad- sick if they choose to use!!
Heck- just listening to him or talking with him- sorry honey you will be blamed by everyone in recovery if he doesn't recover!! He should have spent more time with and on them... invested every second and once of energy-
They can, we can't- I think we should let them!!
With rights in my opinion come responsibilites- if they believe that they can be everything to him- well let them be!!! You my dear are free!!!
Heck- if he gets sick or dies- as you and I know- they will probably expect that sick, enabling, high maintinance family- EXwife- to clean up that mess too!! You'll get to plan the ole funeral and pay the bill!!
Ahhh.... guess what?
Not my responsibility anymore!!! I have children and frankly in my mind it is not theirs either!!!
Whether the addicts were actively using or in recovery- they all felt pretty much the same to us. Not saying that all addicts are alike or do the same things- but certainly the ones we met and the one's he had relationships with. They all changed towards us- dependant on ch's actions!! Were the first one's out the door when the going got rough.
Just a waste of time, energy or money in my opinion.
Oh heck- free up the phone lines for them!!! Heck if he feels like talking- he can talk to them!! They can help him to that fourth step- and heck he doesn't need your forgiveness nor do you need his I'm sorrys.... (if he ever gets there!!!)
You can turn him and all of it over to your HP- tell him to judge and forgive.. and he can ask his HP for it. It is okay to detach!!
If nothing else- a phone call and talking is easy... if he has something to say he can take the time to write it down and send it to you. You can get hit with it all at once. All his resentments and not good enoughs.. OF YOU!!!
Oh heck- let him talk- talk- talk- to his counselor... use his time and energy!! It is his job after all he is getting paid for it and he is also getting a big "ego"- he is helping him afterall. You are not paid for your time, nor will ANYONE respect you or think you were "good" (except maybe people who are here on this board and know..)
Oh they will get sick and tired of listening to him and talking to him eventually!!! All that negativity and whining and complaining!! Or they will feed into it.. and the whole darn group will get even sicker!! That includes them!! I've seen more counselors relapse after talking to and spending time with my ex!! As they say it is a program of 100% honesty!!
I can't- they can- I think I will let them..
Be there for him- 24x7x365!!!
Isn't this your DH (divorced husband)?
Is there any "good" reason WHY he is calling you? Do you have to talk to him for any reason?
It sounds to me like he is simply calling you to use you as his "punching bag"- still shaming and blaming you- telling you "not good enough."
Can you think of it this way? He is entitled to his beliefs and opinions and his expectations of others- but you my dear no longer have to listen to them!!! If it wasn't good enough then or today- Heck accept it!! It is okay!!! Was it and were you good enough for yourself? If so that is ALL that matters!!!! Some people are simply impossible to please, don't take it personally!!! Heck maybe it is time that he find someone who can be good enough or even wants to try!!
I agree with kmm- very strongly!! Treatment can almost be worse than when they are using- talk about "selfish"!!! A no win situation!! Damned if you do and damned if you don't. The same exact ACT- or feeling changes solely upon the addicts response and the choice they make. It is caring and good if they CHOOSE to recover or enabling and bad- sick if they choose to use!!
Heck- just listening to him or talking with him- sorry honey you will be blamed by everyone in recovery if he doesn't recover!! He should have spent more time with and on them... invested every second and once of energy-
They can, we can't- I think we should let them!!
With rights in my opinion come responsibilites- if they believe that they can be everything to him- well let them be!!! You my dear are free!!!
Heck- if he gets sick or dies- as you and I know- they will probably expect that sick, enabling, high maintinance family- EXwife- to clean up that mess too!! You'll get to plan the ole funeral and pay the bill!!
Ahhh.... guess what?
Not my responsibility anymore!!! I have children and frankly in my mind it is not theirs either!!!
Whether the addicts were actively using or in recovery- they all felt pretty much the same to us. Not saying that all addicts are alike or do the same things- but certainly the ones we met and the one's he had relationships with. They all changed towards us- dependant on ch's actions!! Were the first one's out the door when the going got rough.
Just a waste of time, energy or money in my opinion.
Oh heck- free up the phone lines for them!!! Heck if he feels like talking- he can talk to them!! They can help him to that fourth step- and heck he doesn't need your forgiveness nor do you need his I'm sorrys.... (if he ever gets there!!!)
You can turn him and all of it over to your HP- tell him to judge and forgive.. and he can ask his HP for it. It is okay to detach!!
If nothing else- a phone call and talking is easy... if he has something to say he can take the time to write it down and send it to you. You can get hit with it all at once. All his resentments and not good enoughs.. OF YOU!!!
Oh heck- let him talk- talk- talk- to his counselor... use his time and energy!! It is his job after all he is getting paid for it and he is also getting a big "ego"- he is helping him afterall. You are not paid for your time, nor will ANYONE respect you or think you were "good" (except maybe people who are here on this board and know..)
Oh they will get sick and tired of listening to him and talking to him eventually!!! All that negativity and whining and complaining!! Or they will feed into it.. and the whole darn group will get even sicker!! That includes them!! I've seen more counselors relapse after talking to and spending time with my ex!! As they say it is a program of 100% honesty!!
I can't- they can- I think I will let them..
Be there for him- 24x7x365!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: N. California
Posts: 50
I guess he is my "AH", not my "DH", before I read the abbreviations , I thought that DH meant Dear Husband LOL. Yes, we are still married, have been for almost 16 years, 3 kids (5, 10 and 14) I appreciate all that everyone has taken the time to type, it is helping me get through my day today and realize that he is spouting off with pity to anyone who will listen. Guess I wanted to be the "good and supportive" wife but I realize that I can only do that if I am working on my own problems for myself. I have nothing to hide from him and maybe the brutal honesty of me telling him that I am not sure where our relationship is going after rehab is getting to him. I refuse to make empty promises to him to make his stay in rehab easier, or to give him more hope for when he gets out. I figure he can talk his feelings out with his group or his counselor, it is better that he can figure out his own agenda while dealing with stress in that setting, better there than here.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 325
Sierra,
As you see- my name, I am still learning!!
My apologies for not just the lengthy post. Passing on that anger, frustration and negativity!! That isn't helpful to anyone!!
I hope that your husband does recover, for him, your children and you!! Ugg.. working through things can be tough. I'm sorry I thought that you were divorced already. I wish you the best!
As you see- my name, I am still learning!!
My apologies for not just the lengthy post. Passing on that anger, frustration and negativity!! That isn't helpful to anyone!!
I hope that your husband does recover, for him, your children and you!! Ugg.. working through things can be tough. I'm sorry I thought that you were divorced already. I wish you the best!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 53
hi Still learning and welcome.
dont feel guilty or apologize for your anger, frustration ...or the length of a post! :-)
we need to vent that too.
Trying to be nicey nice all the time is part of our issues imo.
we cant change what we dont acknowledge..and
suppressing our true emotions..even if they are so called "negative" is just another form of denial ..
be true to yourself and what you feel..
thats the only way to work it thru.
dont feel guilty or apologize for your anger, frustration ...or the length of a post! :-)
we need to vent that too.
Trying to be nicey nice all the time is part of our issues imo.
we cant change what we dont acknowledge..and
suppressing our true emotions..even if they are so called "negative" is just another form of denial ..
be true to yourself and what you feel..
thats the only way to work it thru.
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