A confession of sorts :-(
 

Well, after all the talk about not sending my AS any money in jail, I sent the kid $30 yesterday in the mail. They will take out $16 for booking fees leaving $14 for him to buy (hopefully) boxers, a tshirt and maybe socks. All they give you when you get there is a coverall, no underclothes whatsoever. I felt that by doing this, I would be able to better relax on my vacation - why is that?

I know that he won't be using the money for drugs, and as far as that stopping him from hitting his bottom (enabling), well...he's going to prison for sure so I don't feel it's a real issue. I am going to do my best not to give him any more, once he has some boxers and a tshirt, he can do without snacks and whatever else, they do give them "sample sizes" of deodorant, shampoo and stuff, that I don't really care about. No matter what he uses the $14 for, I can, in my mind, know that he at least has underclothes...

Just had to get that off my chest, for some reason I feel guilty about it :-(

Put down the guilt stick Laura, that was a nice thing you did, thoughtful and without any expectations and it made YOU feel good to do it....well at least until the guilts set in.

I would have done the same thing and so would most moms here. There is nothing wrong with kindness, and it's obvious you know the difference between kindness and enabling.

Bless you for being kind...it's a good thing.

Hugs

Thats just fine Laura. Some things we just have to do to live with ourselves.It wasn't drug money. Go ienjoy your vacation and I'm sending up prayers for your son. Maybe this time he spends in jail will wake him up.. Smiles, Bonnie

I think that having an addict really messes up our sense of motherhood. What would be normal kindnesses that we would do for normal children becomes heartwrenching self examination when our child is an addict. Sometimes we have to do something kind just because it feels right. Like you said, he is not going to buy drugs with the money and isn't that our biggest worry. Hugs, Marle

It was a loving act. Don't wrap a story around it.
It makes you happy to give it and your son happy to receive it.
No matter his "disease" your sense of generosity, kindness and motherhood isn't broken.

I agree.....that was a sweet thing to do, would have done the same...Good point, Marle...so true...:)

I have sent money to my son.

I also send food packages every week thru the internet.

MyCarePak.com

When my son was in jail, I put money on his books ... not as much as he would have liked, but enough that it made me feel good to do it. I also wrote to him regularly and "allowed" him one collect call every week or two (they're expensive!).

You did fine (((laura)))

When a loving act is done without thought of changing or controlloing someone and it is not enabling continued use, I believe it is just that...a loving act. Thank you for being kind to your son. One of the first messages I received here that stuck with me, was we can only do what we can live with. That helped me establish boundaries, it helped me distinguish enabling from kindness and it helped me let go of some guilt.
Enjoy your vacation and rest easy knowing he is safe. Hugs

Darn, Laura, I thought I was going to get to hear "TRUE CONFESSIONS".:)

What I read was a mom taking care of some necessities. I think you did just fine.

Hugs,
Hangin' In

I did the same thing for my son. I sent him the absolute necessities, undies socks etc.
I think it was the right thing to do too. He's fulfilling his punishment. I couldn't imagine letting him go with out those basic things. It's the mom in us. We want our kids to have their underware!

I can remember when my mom kept spare undies in the glove compartment of the car. She said it was in case we had an accident. I have had other friends tell me their mom did the same thing too.

Looking back, I think that has to be the most ridiculous thing I ever heard. I mean, if we're all in an accident, I doubt the first thing we would do before being loaded into an ambulance is change our underware! I guess she imagined a car accident to be nothing worse than getting a cut on your hand. The one where you didnt' get hurt so bad that you couldn't change your underware.

Thanks everyone...it is hard with this whole new attitude *stepping away from the addict* ...it's hard to decide what IS enabling and what is just a caring gesture. I guess the reason I struggled with it is that I told him right off I was not going to send him any...but I did.

That story about undies in the glove box cracked me up :lmao:

Laura,
I did the same.

The first time, I really sent lots of money, and envelopes, and paper, and care packages.

The second time I sent "some" money, envelopes and paper.

The third time, no money..sent envelopes and paper. Blocked collect calls from phone.

He goes to court pretty soon, and I'm sure he's going back for a FOURTH time.......have to decide what I'll send...LOL

Hugs, NO GUILT.

Well at this facility (county jail), you can't give them ANYTHING but money and a bible (they will let you drop off paperback books as well). I think there is a 24 hour window when you can take underclothes for them, other than that they have to buy everything. You can't give them envelopes, stamps, or anything else, and they make pretty good money off the items being sold. Kevin showed me the price list once, and it was crazy. I think it's like .70 for an envelope with .41 prepaid postage on it. Doesn't seem right to me, but what can ya do?

hi LauraK

accept yourself and what you did..is OK!
nothing to feel guilty about.
the main thing is that you did this not just for him, but so that YOU could then relax on your vacation.
It helped YOU , your peace of mind...it was a simple gesture for necessities.
again, the main thing you should focus on is that your behavior HELPED YOU ..YOUR COMFORT LEVEL ...AND WHEN WE DO THIS..WE CAN RELAX AND LET GO EASIER.

It doesnt have to be all or none..black or white.
extremes can be dysfunctional and unhealthy too at times.
Do what makes YOU feel better and let that be your guide.

when I stopped enabling, I felt good, When I began again, I felt guilty too.

I prefer feeling good, so I dont enable anymore.

Works for me.

Hi
 

Laura stop feeling guilty. Your a mother, like u said the money didnt go for drugs.
I once went over to my sons while he was not home and loaded his refrigerator with groceries. The thought of him not eating made me sick then after i did it I felt guilty because I said to myself no more help. You are human, and your his mother.
There are no rules that come with having an addict in the family.

wow I came to this board and to your thread at soo right of time! As tonight just a few miniutes ago i was talking to my AS on the phone he hasn't eaten in awhile and caled for some food! I didn't want to say no but didn't want to just jump on it right away eiteir but as you say hate to even think about your baby not eating! So sending him some food wed thru a friend! And after I hung up I too was feeling so guilty as to whether I should of agreed to this or not but I did and he will eat for a couple of days anyway! I am his Mom and I love him!