biocat

Why do you guys get in/stay in relationships with enablers/codependents? I mean, it just seems like a hassel. We try to stop you from doing what you want to do every chance we get, We go through your stuff, We're constantly trying to impose rules on you, etc. I don't get it.

Impurrfect

Even when you are hassling an addict, going through their stuff, there is some payoff....they can do what they want and you're still there for them.

I actually never had people that enabled me. My family would NOT loan me money, and even though I could have come home and rested/ate, there was so much hassle that it wasn't worth it to me when I was using. My XABF's mother did let us come home, sleep, and eat before we would go back out, but we only did it maybe 3 times in a year. She was a wonderful lady, and when I got clean, was very supportive of me even though I was no longer with her son. I went to the grocery store and stocked up her kitchen for her, because I felt guilty for the times she fed us. She died in Aug. and I miss her dearly.

From what I've seen and my experience...an addict will not stick around someone who doesn't enable them in some way. Even if they get hassled, they're getting something out of it. Of course, that's just my opinion.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

nytepassion

It seems that the addict and the codependent/enabler have characteristics that attract them to each other.

As for it being a hassle to the addict to be in a relationship with a codependent/enabler. I can honestly say for myself it was not so much a hassle (a pain in the arse from time to time, but nothing that a few pills or lines couldn't drown out). Plus when I past the point of being a functional user .. I had someone who would carry my load and put up with my crap too .. as much as they protested my addiction and the behavior it spawned (I could get away with whatever .. all in the name of LOVE)

Snooping and trying to control me were just things I could use against you to take off and go hang out at the drug haven with my addict friends.

I think it is a bigger hassle for the codependent to be in a relationship with an addict then it is for the addict to be with the codependent .. Addicts need you to enable and be codependent (it helps keep their addiction feed and frees them from having to be responsible for themselves and their behavior)

I would encourage you to think about why you would want to be in a relationship with you feel you have to try to stop you from doing what he wants to do, go through his stuff and feel like you are constantly trying to impose rules on him?


Passion
Recovering addict/enabler/codependent

sleepygoat

I didn't, for the most part. When I was using, if I was involved with anyone, it was another using addict. I relapsed after marrying my husband. I hid it from him for a whole year. When I did tell him, I was already clean.

so no, not all of us choose codependants!!

Abundance

I've wondered the same thing! AND now that I'm in recovery for my codie ways and love addiction..... I'm finding that there is less the draw from him. He is less interested.... cause I just don't even care to hear all of his "stories" and when I do allow it, the pressure and strain I feel in my neck and shoulders is quite frankly unbearable.... it's times like these when I'm so pleased that he is 100 miles away!

Good thread! Like I said, I have often wondered the same! I like the real question... why would we want to be in one?!