As I Got Healthier, He Became Unhappier ..Then Left Me
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 53
As I Got Healthier, He Became Unhappier ..Then Left Me
i have been split with the A since end of october after a two year relationship.
the first year, i yeilded , i forgave, i let things go..i pushed myself ..i made extra efforts..i pleased...i did more ..i gave more of me.
not moneywise...but timewise, energy wise..effortwise.
i put him first..him and his life.
and i put myself..my needs secondary.
as a result i was exhausted..running around...
his job was then to complain.
hard to please an addict.
never enough.
by year two, i had gotten some recovery and awareness under my belt and started to implement healthier boundaries for myself.
that meant putting myself closer to the top..
doing more of what i wanted for me..
disappointing him more...
paying closer attention to my needs and feelings...which for the whole year i had pretty much ignored.
With each step of recovery i made..with each effort towards myself i made..it was one step further from him..and he became increasingly frustrated , unhappy and discontented with the new set of rules and arrangements.
to his dismay..he could not control me.
and he did not like coming in second...not even part of the time.
no..it did not matter how i reasoned..and pled my case of my busy schedule..my tiredness...my not feeling well..
that did not matter...not to an A.
no sir.
no way.
but i maintained my course, hoping that even though he was kicking up the dirt..he would adjust...
he would hear me..respect my feelings and needs.
No way again.
instead..true to the selfishness of a king baby, he finally tells me that i am happy with the arrangement BUT HE IS NOT.
and he is not staying in this going nowhere lame lifestyle and he needs a strong woman ! (more like he needs a nanny and a maid full time live in!)
so. then he cuts me off , point blank...goes off to meet someone new at a dating sight, ..of course...being alone is not an option for him.
quick fix surrogate to fill the void is in order!
of course, it hurts me very much this turn of events..
and for the longest time i could not understand why????
maybe i wasnt pretty enough (i am!), smart enough (i have a degree!)
sexy enough (well thats just not the case!),
tall enough..short enough...lol..you name it.
now its only very very recently that ive come to see that the thing that changed our relationship, is that i got too well for his disease.
i changed and his disease could not adapt..and handle it.
he has to be first, and that was not happening anymore.
i changed the rules and that was not allowed.
i feel that this is his brutal payback, his retribution for defying him .
not much i can do, but now its time to look at it and reflect at what really happened in the timeline of events.
i thought at first he was getting sicker and thats why this happened.
NOW I SAY..ITS THAT I GOT MUCH HEALTHIER EMOTIONALLY, SET BOUNDARIES AND THAT WAS JUST NOT ACCEPTABLE FOR THE A.
THANKS AND LOVE..
ITS A TOUGH ROAD, BUT AWARENESS IS KEY!
the first year, i yeilded , i forgave, i let things go..i pushed myself ..i made extra efforts..i pleased...i did more ..i gave more of me.
not moneywise...but timewise, energy wise..effortwise.
i put him first..him and his life.
and i put myself..my needs secondary.
as a result i was exhausted..running around...
his job was then to complain.
hard to please an addict.
never enough.
by year two, i had gotten some recovery and awareness under my belt and started to implement healthier boundaries for myself.
that meant putting myself closer to the top..
doing more of what i wanted for me..
disappointing him more...
paying closer attention to my needs and feelings...which for the whole year i had pretty much ignored.
With each step of recovery i made..with each effort towards myself i made..it was one step further from him..and he became increasingly frustrated , unhappy and discontented with the new set of rules and arrangements.
to his dismay..he could not control me.
and he did not like coming in second...not even part of the time.
no..it did not matter how i reasoned..and pled my case of my busy schedule..my tiredness...my not feeling well..
that did not matter...not to an A.
no sir.
no way.
but i maintained my course, hoping that even though he was kicking up the dirt..he would adjust...
he would hear me..respect my feelings and needs.
No way again.
instead..true to the selfishness of a king baby, he finally tells me that i am happy with the arrangement BUT HE IS NOT.
and he is not staying in this going nowhere lame lifestyle and he needs a strong woman ! (more like he needs a nanny and a maid full time live in!)
so. then he cuts me off , point blank...goes off to meet someone new at a dating sight, ..of course...being alone is not an option for him.
quick fix surrogate to fill the void is in order!
of course, it hurts me very much this turn of events..
and for the longest time i could not understand why????
maybe i wasnt pretty enough (i am!), smart enough (i have a degree!)
sexy enough (well thats just not the case!),
tall enough..short enough...lol..you name it.
now its only very very recently that ive come to see that the thing that changed our relationship, is that i got too well for his disease.
i changed and his disease could not adapt..and handle it.
he has to be first, and that was not happening anymore.
i changed the rules and that was not allowed.
i feel that this is his brutal payback, his retribution for defying him .
not much i can do, but now its time to look at it and reflect at what really happened in the timeline of events.
i thought at first he was getting sicker and thats why this happened.
NOW I SAY..ITS THAT I GOT MUCH HEALTHIER EMOTIONALLY, SET BOUNDARIES AND THAT WAS JUST NOT ACCEPTABLE FOR THE A.
THANKS AND LOVE..
ITS A TOUGH ROAD, BUT AWARENESS IS KEY!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((KMMK)))
I'm glad that you see his leaving is all about him wanting someone to control....and good for you that you aren't that person anymore!!! I know it still hurt me when XABF went on his merry way without me, but I had to remind myself that having him in my life was only dragging me down and I was trying to move UP!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I'm glad that you see his leaving is all about him wanting someone to control....and good for you that you aren't that person anymore!!! I know it still hurt me when XABF went on his merry way without me, but I had to remind myself that having him in my life was only dragging me down and I was trying to move UP!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
He sounds like he has a Narcissist personality.
has a grandiose sense of self-importance
is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brillance, beauty, or ideal love
believes that he or she is "special" and unique
requires excessive admiration
has a sense of entitlement
is interpersonally exploitative
lacks empathy
is often envious of others or believes others are envious of him or her
shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes
You're going to be okay.
You deserve so much more.
You are special.
Hugs,
has a grandiose sense of self-importance
is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brillance, beauty, or ideal love
believes that he or she is "special" and unique
requires excessive admiration
has a sense of entitlement
is interpersonally exploitative
lacks empathy
is often envious of others or believes others are envious of him or her
shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes
You're going to be okay.
You deserve so much more.
You are special.
Hugs,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 53
here are some "details" i should tell you.
He has hepatitis C which he got 30 years ago during his sex, drugs, rocknroll era....has cirrhosis from the hepc...by the time it was finally diagnosed alot of liver damage was done.
he then was on interferon tx for three years straight.
this whole upheaval between us came just as he went off that tx.
and he was acting kind of erratically.
Now, when i met him two half years ago, he didnt do anything INITIALLY...
lol..but little by little the pot smoking started and went from a little to all day , every day.
the strangest part of it all for me is that just reading these posts you would think he is a cold hearted , unfeeling person..but actually he was the most tender and loving man i ever knew. The BEST dad ever..
i do believe that his love was real and genuine and deep ..so thats why this whole switch is so confusing to me and bewildering., baffling,
i didnt see it coming and i never, ever expected it from HIM.
..i guess the addiction prevailed.
thanks for listening.
love ya !
He has hepatitis C which he got 30 years ago during his sex, drugs, rocknroll era....has cirrhosis from the hepc...by the time it was finally diagnosed alot of liver damage was done.
he then was on interferon tx for three years straight.
this whole upheaval between us came just as he went off that tx.
and he was acting kind of erratically.
Now, when i met him two half years ago, he didnt do anything INITIALLY...
lol..but little by little the pot smoking started and went from a little to all day , every day.
the strangest part of it all for me is that just reading these posts you would think he is a cold hearted , unfeeling person..but actually he was the most tender and loving man i ever knew. The BEST dad ever..
i do believe that his love was real and genuine and deep ..so thats why this whole switch is so confusing to me and bewildering., baffling,
i didnt see it coming and i never, ever expected it from HIM.
..i guess the addiction prevailed.
thanks for listening.
love ya !
Last edited by KMMK; 02-29-2008 at 07:53 AM.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 64
I feel ya, kmmk. Mine is the sweetest, most affectionate, loving person I know - Well, at least one of his personalities is! 
caileesnana, love the comment about the door.
I'm so glad I found this place. Yall keep me chuckling! Nice to laugh.
caileesnana, love the comment about the door.
I'm so glad I found this place. Yall keep me chuckling! Nice to laugh.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
I've learned, by reading this forum, that when we say "he's wonderful, loving, etc. BUT" it's not a good thing when addiction is involved. I don't think we'd be here if the good side of them outweighed the bad.
I'm learning, now, that when I talk of someone and the word "but" comes up, it's like a red flag.
I, too, am glad I found this place!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I'm learning, now, that when I talk of someone and the word "but" comes up, it's like a red flag.
I, too, am glad I found this place!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Wilmington, NC
Posts: 932
Wow KMMK, I know what you are going through all too well. Many of us do.
I haven't gotten to the changing part but it's coming and what you said, is ironically, a fear of mine. That he will leave me! I should be the one leaving him for bringing all this dirtiness into my life but I'm sticking and staying until he shows me he's not serious about his recovery.
They are all wonderful, loving, passionate and smart until the dope gets hold of them. Jeckel and Hydes. The world ceases to exist except as it revolves around the next hook-up (hey, aren't ya'll proud of me - those who have been following my thread?). Yes, I can talk the talk but walking the walk is harder.
The minute my AH and I split up, he jumped on a bunch of on-line dating sites too. This is what my friend told me:
"AH is an addict and addict are oppertunist .. they are selfish, self centered and all about themselves. He doesn't care if what he tells other people is the truth or not .. his only concern is HIM. He will lie and decieve others to obtain whatever it is that he is trying to get out of it for HIMSELF."
Try not to take it so personal .. IT ISN'T ABOUT YOU. It is about him. Do you think for one minute he'd be able to hook up with someone else if he told them the 100% truth about who he really is? He has to lie .. but once he gets his foot in the door and moves in with someone .. in time they will have the same rude awakening that you did ... the only thing is that this time he will probably be more careful and hide his drug use on a deeper level."
"He will play the part of the victim cause the addict needs a rescuer .. He is on the hunt for someone he can victimize and use .. a place to call home .. He will be charming and polite .. he will blame you for all the problems in your marriage and tell the sob story about how bad a mother you were and how he tried to save the baby from being with you and how you lied to the police and used your affilations with the courts and lawyers to take her from him .. and he will scream in justice to the highest place of heaven. He doesn't care if it is true or not. He is in denial and truth doesn't live there. Again .. all he cares about is himself"
"Some poor woman will listen and be understanding and comfort him in all his woe and he will let her because he needs her to be compassionate, understanding, on his side, to believe in him .. and to trust him .. she will try to be his savior and give him the love he so desperately appears to yearn for and then before you know it he has created his own personal enabler/codependent and the cycle continues."
"Listen to me .. This isn't about you."
"This is all about him, this is the package he is .. and it wouldn't matter who he was married to or who he was with .. he would still be who he is ... and he would do just what he is doing whether it was with you or someone else."
"You can't fix him and you can't stop him from telling lies .. you can't change him or his stories .. they belong to him and are a part of him .. they are like money .. they (buy) get him what he wants .. so he uses his tongue to spend his stories and buy himself a place to live with some poor unsuspecting woman who will eventually find herself wrapped up in a relationship with a lying, decieving drug addict who could give a rats ass about anyone else but himself."
Sorry that was so long. It was somewhat painful to hear but at the same time, very powerful. My friend is a former addict herself and was married to one for years. She is the smartest person I know. I think you will be able to relate.
Much love and keep posting. It's supposed to get better and less painful from what I hear!
I haven't gotten to the changing part but it's coming and what you said, is ironically, a fear of mine. That he will leave me! I should be the one leaving him for bringing all this dirtiness into my life but I'm sticking and staying until he shows me he's not serious about his recovery.
They are all wonderful, loving, passionate and smart until the dope gets hold of them. Jeckel and Hydes. The world ceases to exist except as it revolves around the next hook-up (hey, aren't ya'll proud of me - those who have been following my thread?). Yes, I can talk the talk but walking the walk is harder.
The minute my AH and I split up, he jumped on a bunch of on-line dating sites too. This is what my friend told me:
"AH is an addict and addict are oppertunist .. they are selfish, self centered and all about themselves. He doesn't care if what he tells other people is the truth or not .. his only concern is HIM. He will lie and decieve others to obtain whatever it is that he is trying to get out of it for HIMSELF."
Try not to take it so personal .. IT ISN'T ABOUT YOU. It is about him. Do you think for one minute he'd be able to hook up with someone else if he told them the 100% truth about who he really is? He has to lie .. but once he gets his foot in the door and moves in with someone .. in time they will have the same rude awakening that you did ... the only thing is that this time he will probably be more careful and hide his drug use on a deeper level."
"He will play the part of the victim cause the addict needs a rescuer .. He is on the hunt for someone he can victimize and use .. a place to call home .. He will be charming and polite .. he will blame you for all the problems in your marriage and tell the sob story about how bad a mother you were and how he tried to save the baby from being with you and how you lied to the police and used your affilations with the courts and lawyers to take her from him .. and he will scream in justice to the highest place of heaven. He doesn't care if it is true or not. He is in denial and truth doesn't live there. Again .. all he cares about is himself"
"Some poor woman will listen and be understanding and comfort him in all his woe and he will let her because he needs her to be compassionate, understanding, on his side, to believe in him .. and to trust him .. she will try to be his savior and give him the love he so desperately appears to yearn for and then before you know it he has created his own personal enabler/codependent and the cycle continues."
"Listen to me .. This isn't about you."
"This is all about him, this is the package he is .. and it wouldn't matter who he was married to or who he was with .. he would still be who he is ... and he would do just what he is doing whether it was with you or someone else."
"You can't fix him and you can't stop him from telling lies .. you can't change him or his stories .. they belong to him and are a part of him .. they are like money .. they (buy) get him what he wants .. so he uses his tongue to spend his stories and buy himself a place to live with some poor unsuspecting woman who will eventually find herself wrapped up in a relationship with a lying, decieving drug addict who could give a rats ass about anyone else but himself."
Sorry that was so long. It was somewhat painful to hear but at the same time, very powerful. My friend is a former addict herself and was married to one for years. She is the smartest person I know. I think you will be able to relate.
Much love and keep posting. It's supposed to get better and less painful from what I hear!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 64
mrs magoo, that was an awesome read. I know if I get up the courage to kick mine out, that is exactly what he will do to suck in a new savior. Oh, I will be the worst mother/gf that ever existed, and some poor sucker just like me will hate my guts for treating such a wonderful man so terribly!!! I'm just reminiscing about all the lies he told to con me!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Wilmington, NC
Posts: 932
I can't take the credit for doing anything other than saving that PM to me and re-reading it every chance I get. I thought it was appropriate.
It's the bottom line on the lengths they will go to in order to feed the addiction. They take no prisoners!
It's the bottom line on the lengths they will go to in order to feed the addiction. They take no prisoners!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: San Jose, CA
Posts: 266
I think we all can relate to how you are feeling KKK. I know I have been there. My EXRAH left me for someone else. I could not figure out what I did wrong. I got clean and he did not. We did not live together, but we were working on us (that is what he told me). During that time I found out he slept with alot of druggies without using a condum, some of them used niddles they were younger girls but they were looking for someone to take care of them. The one that he left me for was a drugie 10 years younger then me, she had 4 kids and living on welfare. I went thru well maybe I will quit my job and go on welfare that way he can feel like he was needed and get away for the person.
I am glad that he left me because he gave me back my life.
I am glad that he left me because he gave me back my life.
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