Not sure how to answer her question!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: In the Heart of Dixie
Posts: 128
Not sure how to answer her question!!
My 19 year old AD called me at work tonight and asked me what I saw when I look at her. I truly did not know what to say!! I said my daughter, she said no really what do you see, I told her my daughter but a very very confused troubled version of her. I just did not know how to answer her and that bothered me a bit. She said everything had gone wrong, I agreed but told her that with alot of hard work and wanting it to be different that it could be different but that I could not fix it only she could but that I would be here if she wanted to get help. Not sure what she thought but then asked if I was mad, I calmly replied what does it matter at this point!! I have a feeling that she is not taking care of the newly amputated half of a finger, that she got from spilling chemicals on it while cooking crystal meth, the dressing was to be changed twice a day, medicine to be put on it and antibiotics by mouth, she took it all with her but a friend of hers came by my work tonight and told me he had seen her with some new people today and she has still not looked at her hand but when the dr took the bandage off at the hospital Monday before we came home, I walked out in the hall, I just can't process it yet. When I see it I know I am going to have to process it and I still can't believe after being in the hospital from Friday - Monday and losing half a finger that she would get up and go right back to it on Tuesday.... I just don't get it!!!! And to be honest with you all...I am really not sure what I see when I look at her, a stranger maybe?? Somebody that I do not know anymore, sometimes I see my Lauren but more often than not I don't have a clue who she is!!:wtf2
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((obsessed)))
When I think of how I looked when I was active, I am really disgusted.
Sweetie, you are never going to "get it"...understand how she can go back to it after losing part of her finger...you're not addicted to a drug. I think, however, you ARE addicted to Lauren....you keep going back to wanting/trying to help HER, when all she wants right now is meth. In some ways, it's different, but in other ways it's just 2 versions of the same story....you are both wrapped up in your addictions..hers to meth, you to her.
I really don't mean to sound uncaring, because, believe me, my heart aches for you and all the other moms here dealing with this, and I hate what I put my dad through. I just want you to get to the point where you're not struggling so hard at trying to help Lauren or figure out why she does what she does. Whether it's drugs or anything else...you simply can't help someone who doesn't want help.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
When I think of how I looked when I was active, I am really disgusted.
Sweetie, you are never going to "get it"...understand how she can go back to it after losing part of her finger...you're not addicted to a drug. I think, however, you ARE addicted to Lauren....you keep going back to wanting/trying to help HER, when all she wants right now is meth. In some ways, it's different, but in other ways it's just 2 versions of the same story....you are both wrapped up in your addictions..hers to meth, you to her.
I really don't mean to sound uncaring, because, believe me, my heart aches for you and all the other moms here dealing with this, and I hate what I put my dad through. I just want you to get to the point where you're not struggling so hard at trying to help Lauren or figure out why she does what she does. Whether it's drugs or anything else...you simply can't help someone who doesn't want help.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Amy said it so well...And I understand how a child in active addiction can look like a stranger. I know I couldn't look at my daughter's beautiful eyes when she was high because they just weren't there...she wasn't there...it was artificial.
Prayers that each of you can find the strength to move forward in recovery. Hugs
Prayers that each of you can find the strength to move forward in recovery. Hugs
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Obsessed,
I understand how hard it is to watch your child deteriorate before your eyes. And to look into their eyes and see either the "dead eyes", as my friend calls it, or the dilated pupils. It's just so hard to watch it up close and personal.
I'll never understand the addiction to the drug because I'm not an addict. But the addiction to the child, now that I am an expert on. That addiction was killing me, Obsessed, and I couldn't live like that any longer. I, just like my AD, had to make a decision to turn my life around. And I had to make that decision, FOR MYSELF, despite what AD was going to decide about her own life.
I have turned my life around. Bottom line is I've gotten into recovery myself. I attend two meetings a week and I am so grateful for them. In the early days, I read on this board, and posted, religiously. Today my job is demanding on my time so I'm not able to be here at much as I'd like. But meetings and this board help me get over the obsession I had with my AD's life.
I'm sorry you are having to go through this. I know it's tearing your heart out. But there is a better way to live. And that's what recovery is about, Obsessed. I used to think recovery was about living with the addict or alcholic. Today I know recovery is about living....period.
Hugs and prayers for you and your daughter,
Hangin' In
I understand how hard it is to watch your child deteriorate before your eyes. And to look into their eyes and see either the "dead eyes", as my friend calls it, or the dilated pupils. It's just so hard to watch it up close and personal.
I'll never understand the addiction to the drug because I'm not an addict. But the addiction to the child, now that I am an expert on. That addiction was killing me, Obsessed, and I couldn't live like that any longer. I, just like my AD, had to make a decision to turn my life around. And I had to make that decision, FOR MYSELF, despite what AD was going to decide about her own life.
I have turned my life around. Bottom line is I've gotten into recovery myself. I attend two meetings a week and I am so grateful for them. In the early days, I read on this board, and posted, religiously. Today my job is demanding on my time so I'm not able to be here at much as I'd like. But meetings and this board help me get over the obsession I had with my AD's life.
I'm sorry you are having to go through this. I know it's tearing your heart out. But there is a better way to live. And that's what recovery is about, Obsessed. I used to think recovery was about living with the addict or alcholic. Today I know recovery is about living....period.
Hugs and prayers for you and your daughter,
Hangin' In
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: dallas texas
Posts: 1,629
Who know's what she was really wanting to here. Maybe the child in her wanted to here the good, maybe the quilt wanted to here the bad, maybe she was attempting to manipulate. But, at least she is thinking and concerned what you think, I hope!
I pray she is caring for her hand and it doesn't become septic. I pray someone, anyone, will see her and offer the hope she needs.
Prayers,
susan
I pray she is caring for her hand and it doesn't become septic. I pray someone, anyone, will see her and offer the hope she needs.
Prayers,
susan
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
As bad as you think a lost finger is, for those of us who have lost one, it is an accepted part of life that doesn't bother us as much as it does other people.
Self preservation builds in us a resilience that has us get back on the horse after such a loss.
Her bottom will be her bottom and as bad as a lost finger seems, it isn't all that bad to us in the moment.
I think you answered her question very well.
Self preservation builds in us a resilience that has us get back on the horse after such a loss.
Her bottom will be her bottom and as bad as a lost finger seems, it isn't all that bad to us in the moment.
I think you answered her question very well.
Leap of Faith Survivor
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
Obsessed, It was hard for you to know what to say, partly because you are still 'in' her world, in your addiction of 'her'.....
She deserves your totally honesty....and it is hard for you to be totally honest with her when you don't know for yourself what that is. Don't be afraid of what you see ...don't be afraid to tell her what you see....I think she is depending on it.
One of the things I hated about the relationship with my AD was the 'LIE' we lived......When I started taking control of how I let her life affect me, I came to a very freeing, serious, but freeing place of calling it what it was (addiction), being honest about what it was....with my AD...and I found that she responded to that....didn't stop drinking, but there was a noticeable shift....like .my honesty was a relief to her......We have so little control over the battle our kids are fighting but the one thing we can do is be honest about what we see, as hard as that is...because they still on a level, are looking to us for something and I think that could partly have been why she was asking...
She deserves your totally honesty....and it is hard for you to be totally honest with her when you don't know for yourself what that is. Don't be afraid of what you see ...don't be afraid to tell her what you see....I think she is depending on it.
One of the things I hated about the relationship with my AD was the 'LIE' we lived......When I started taking control of how I let her life affect me, I came to a very freeing, serious, but freeing place of calling it what it was (addiction), being honest about what it was....with my AD...and I found that she responded to that....didn't stop drinking, but there was a noticeable shift....like .my honesty was a relief to her......We have so little control over the battle our kids are fighting but the one thing we can do is be honest about what we see, as hard as that is...because they still on a level, are looking to us for something and I think that could partly have been why she was asking...
Last edited by grateful2b; 02-28-2008 at 02:13 PM. Reason: spelling
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Hackettstown, NJ
Posts: 692
I agree with grateful - its much easier to just be honest and my AD seems to respond to that as well. you did do that with her. You answered her questions very well. I would be worried about the finger too - I guess I don't know how to let go either!
Attitude of Gratitude
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 2,305
Here's a different perspective on this. From "A Daughter's Side"
I answered another thread earlier today from this angle as well. I hope this gives the Mom and Dads out there an insight of what goes through our minds on things like this. Now, know that I'm no longer using, I've been in Recovery for over 2 1/2 years. I asked my Mom similiar questions while I was using.
Dear Mom,
What do you see when you look at me? Can you tell how much pain I'm in? Do you realize that I don't mean the things I say to you? I wish you could understand how lost I am right now, even though I act like I have all the answers, I don't know s*#t! I'm more frightened now than I was when I woke up from a bad dream as a child. I was all alone in the dark, afraid to turn over, afraid to open my eyes, afraid to put my feet on the floor and run to you. It seemed like no matter what I did I was still scared. But, I knew when I called out to you and you came to my rescue, I felt safe, secure and happy once again. Mom, as much as you have tried, you can't come to my rescue while I'm living this nightmere! You can't chase away the Boogie Man, you can't turn on the lights and make everything better this time. I hear you yelling for me to open my eyes, to see the truth. To see what is real and what isn't.
Mom, I love you, I really do. I know you don't understand. To be honest with you, I don't either. But I want you to know, I appreciate everything you have done and are trying to do. But you can't fix me. I only hope I can fix myself. I just don't know how right now.
Someone else's Daughter
I answered another thread earlier today from this angle as well. I hope this gives the Mom and Dads out there an insight of what goes through our minds on things like this. Now, know that I'm no longer using, I've been in Recovery for over 2 1/2 years. I asked my Mom similiar questions while I was using.
Dear Mom,
What do you see when you look at me? Can you tell how much pain I'm in? Do you realize that I don't mean the things I say to you? I wish you could understand how lost I am right now, even though I act like I have all the answers, I don't know s*#t! I'm more frightened now than I was when I woke up from a bad dream as a child. I was all alone in the dark, afraid to turn over, afraid to open my eyes, afraid to put my feet on the floor and run to you. It seemed like no matter what I did I was still scared. But, I knew when I called out to you and you came to my rescue, I felt safe, secure and happy once again. Mom, as much as you have tried, you can't come to my rescue while I'm living this nightmere! You can't chase away the Boogie Man, you can't turn on the lights and make everything better this time. I hear you yelling for me to open my eyes, to see the truth. To see what is real and what isn't.
Mom, I love you, I really do. I know you don't understand. To be honest with you, I don't either. But I want you to know, I appreciate everything you have done and are trying to do. But you can't fix me. I only hope I can fix myself. I just don't know how right now.
Someone else's Daughter
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