An Insight
Restoring myself to sanity
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
An Insight
My AH has been going to AA meetings for the past week, and he has been going religiously. At first I thought he was going because I had him backed into a corner, now I'm starting to think the he is going because he wants to be there..
Anyway, this morning when he got back from his meeting I started in on one of my codependant rants, and he said " You know every time you yell at me and start accusing me of doing something I start to feel lonely and isolated and it makes me want to use or take a drink" OMG. I never thought about it that way. It made me stop and think that maybe when I yell at him and get all codie that it helps him justify his using.
Now he could have just been minipulating me again with just words or he could have actualy been telling me to get my codie head out of the sand and to pay attention to what I'm saying and how I'm acting.
In any case, it makes me feel encouraged that he his getting something out of his meetings and is recognizing things that trigger his use. It makes me realize that I have a long way to go in my recovery too.
Anyway, this morning when he got back from his meeting I started in on one of my codependant rants, and he said " You know every time you yell at me and start accusing me of doing something I start to feel lonely and isolated and it makes me want to use or take a drink" OMG. I never thought about it that way. It made me stop and think that maybe when I yell at him and get all codie that it helps him justify his using.
Now he could have just been minipulating me again with just words or he could have actualy been telling me to get my codie head out of the sand and to pay attention to what I'm saying and how I'm acting.
In any case, it makes me feel encouraged that he his getting something out of his meetings and is recognizing things that trigger his use. It makes me realize that I have a long way to go in my recovery too.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
It sounds like a step in a positive way, he's telling you how something makes him feel, you have heard him, and maybe in the future you can try a different way. I have hopes for you both that it is progress and not manipulation! It would be nice to know you are growing together and not apart!
:ghug3
:ghug3
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Cleveland, Ohio
Posts: 138
I just want to point out that this sounds like he is trying to say that _you_ could cause him to use again. This is in no way the case. You could yell at him until you are blue in the face, and if he doesn't want to use, he won't. An addict will find almost any excuse to use, if they want to.
My RABF said during our first fight after he was back from rehab, "I can't believe you are doing this after I have only been home for a week." Not sure of his exact words, but pretty much the same idea---him implying that I shouldn't be arguing with him cause it could test his sobriety. I let him know real quick that if I thought something or felt something, I was gonna let him know. There is no way I am going to tiptoe around him, trying so hard not to start fights. If I have a problem, I'm not just gonna keep it to myself. Thankfully, he has realized that I am right (haha, we women are always right!
). Fighting and discussions and arguments are a part of relationships. Addicts, recovering or not, need to be in real life. And they need to decide whether or not to be sober in that life. It's not our job to pretend like anything we do has any control over whether or not they use.
Hope things continue to go well with your AH!
Vanessa
My RABF said during our first fight after he was back from rehab, "I can't believe you are doing this after I have only been home for a week." Not sure of his exact words, but pretty much the same idea---him implying that I shouldn't be arguing with him cause it could test his sobriety. I let him know real quick that if I thought something or felt something, I was gonna let him know. There is no way I am going to tiptoe around him, trying so hard not to start fights. If I have a problem, I'm not just gonna keep it to myself. Thankfully, he has realized that I am right (haha, we women are always right!
). Fighting and discussions and arguments are a part of relationships. Addicts, recovering or not, need to be in real life. And they need to decide whether or not to be sober in that life. It's not our job to pretend like anything we do has any control over whether or not they use.Hope things continue to go well with your AH!
Vanessa
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Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
I think it's really cool that he was able to tell you how he felt.
That's good communication: "when you say or do whatever, I FEEL this way. "
Now the second part? could be a bit of manipulation unless he meant that when he feels lonely and isolated, he wants to use. Like others have said, he has choices in what actions he takes. I just think it was good that he was able to express that to you.
You know every time you yell at me and start accusing me of doing something I start to feel lonely and isolated
Now the second part? could be a bit of manipulation unless he meant that when he feels lonely and isolated, he wants to use. Like others have said, he has choices in what actions he takes. I just think it was good that he was able to express that to you.
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