She will never learn
 

My 19 year old AD Lauren came home Friday with her finger wrapped up and I told her that we had to get the bandage off and look at it which was burned with liquid fire while cooking crystal meth. We could not get it off the bandage was stuck and stuff was oozing through the bandage so I calmly said get in the car we are going to the er, she was immediately admitted and surgery was done Saturday to amputate part of her finger and I thought well maybe she has learned. She has been hell on wheels the whole time we were there and looks at me today and states she is leaving tomorrow!! I have missed 2 days work and spent money I did not have on food and etc...!!! So we are home and she is asleep and I am ready to come unglued at this point..I want to know where those "friends" were the whole time, I have been at the hospital with her since Friday only left to get her food and this is the thanks I get???:c004:

((((Hugs))))

I'm sorry you've had such an agonizing time these past few days, Obsession. I would have seen to that medical attention myself. I think we can safely say that is because we are mothers, not enablers, during a medical crisis such as Lauren's.

But the whole codependent part, "Why won't SHE learn?" is just spinning your wheels, Obsession. It's not going to help, and it's going to hurt if you stay there in your thoughts. Aren't you tired of how you are feeling right now? Can you allow yourself to see how much more fruitful if you took all that focus off of Lauren, turn it to a positive focus, and nurtured yourself a little tonight? It's a relief to let go of trying to "reach" these kids who refuse OUR plan for them, and instead take care of ourselves and make a plan for US. You have raised a grown daughter, and you have earned that right, no matter how she is acting. YOU have earned it.

Argh. That's horrible. Hang in there. But were you expecting thanks?! Sweet obsessed. Please don't lose your sanity thinking that this might be her bottom or things will change this time, because recovery isn't something you can learn or predict. Drug addicts aren't logical or reasonable about their drugs. She's an addict. She'll quit when she's done and not a moment sooner. Take care of you. Stay healthy.

obsessed...

so many great ideas already posted...

I think any mother would take their child to the ER when they are obviously hurt and in need of medical attention. I don't see this as an act of enabling.

But...maybe... staying by her side, running out to buy her food, missing two days of work and tending to her every need in the hospital are different issues altogether. Doing something nice for the addict and then expecting a thank you for it is a dangerous thing to do. It sounds like your daughter is wrapped pretty tight in her addiction right now and the normal rules of gratitude and appreciation and respect simply don't apply.

I know it hurts.
I hope you'll step back and let her figure things out on her own...let her feel the consequences of her behavior.
I know it can't be easy when its your child but its the only way you can protect yourself and begin to work on YOUR recovery.

Hugs..
I know this must be a really difficult time for you...
Sending prayers and strength your way...

Hey girl. good to see you back...I have been wondering how you are doing...I am so sorry things are still so rough...good that you were right there and her finger got the care that was needed...
You know it wasn't so long ago that I struggling as you are my friend... was mad with codieness and had no clue..I was convinced it was my job to save my AD, and it was such torture!
After doing a lot of the codie work, I was still anxious and in pain...then one day I got it.... Obsessed , we truly are powerless, we truly are....Before I had this breakthrough, I was obsessed with needing to know what was going to happen to this kid, even though deep down I knew I had no control...I think it was that truth , and my refusal to accept it that kept me obsessed.
After coming to the relief that being powerless brings, I could SEE for the first time in 7 years, that 1. my daughter was not helpless but capable of choosing to stop or not..2. It is her battle, not mine 3.I could see, now that my face wasn't squished up against her reality that she will probably make it.Living in fear keeps us blind....We don't have any power over their addiction and surrender to that will bring us some peace and allow us to get out of the way, because I believe that stepping back is critical. I was always there to fix it. My daughter knows in my stepping back and leaving her to the business of choosing to grow up is on her. Fixing me is leaving her with the business of fixing her. I am so thrilled to finally SEE the sinplicity and power of that. The bonus is of course that I'm so much more relazed and can focus on my life.
Obsessed, are you doing alanon, have you read Co-dependent No More. If you can't get to a meeting, read the book at least. I seriously did not know I was a flaming codie til I hit this board but I truly am. It has been such a revelation to me and it has set me free. Your girl is gonna do what she 's gonna do,and she will stop when she is ready...The very thing that would strike terror in my heart, "they will not stop until they want to stop" Basic text, p62, now is comforting to me in a way, because I realize I cannot control my daughter's outcome and that allows me to let go and let her get on with it.
big mom :ghug3 's to ya sweetie...

(((obsessed))))

I'm glad her finger was taken care of, but I have to agree with everyone else....getting wrapped up in her drama is only going to take you down.

During the time I was smoking crack, I was choked and had a rib broken...didn't seek help; punched in the eye, broken cheek bone...didn't seek help; staph infection (that I originally got while working as a nurse, but the one you now read about killing people)...didn't get help. All I was concerned about was getting high.

None of these situations were enough for me to quit. It took an accumulation of consequences (getting locked up being one of them) for me to want to get clean, and even then I struggled. I had to learn the hard way, and it finally got bad enough that I want to stay clean more than I ever wanted to get high.

Nothing my family did/said got me to this point. Yes, it hurt me to know what I put them through, but at the time, the solution to that was to get high again and not think about it.

An addict is totally incapable of thinking logical thoughts. I STILL cannot believe the things I did and thought they were okay.

Please, take the focus off Lauren, and put it on you. If I had dealt with her finger situation, I would have taken her to the hospital (as you did), but I would have left her there. I worked in the ER of the major county/trauma hospital in Atlanta. People came in with all sorts of problems related to drug use. They were not coddled, or babied, but they were taken care of and were set up with a payment plan (which is why the hospital is going broke now)...but my point is, she HAS to learn to deal with her own consequences.

Cooking meth is extremely dangerous and deadly. The longer you enable her and take care of her problems, the longer she is exposed to that environment. I'm sorry that sounds harsh, but it's a fact. When she runs out of someone to turn to when she's in trouble, the better chance she has of realizing it's not worth it.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

I have, and would again, take my AD to the ER for emergent medical care. I, too, couldn't believe that wasn't her bottom. We can't fix them. I kinda look at it as something I would have done for anyone--taken to the hospital.

I pray for Lauren, for all our kids. I don't/can't ever understand, but I know they are loved.

sorry,
susan

Well said.

Hugs from mom to mom during this difficult time!

I don't want to sound mean but NO SHE WILL NEVER LEARN as long as 'mommy' is there to 'catch her', fix her wounds, etc.

You know it was absolutely AMAZING, but after my folks cut off ALL contact with me, hanging up the phone if I called and closing the door in my face if I came to the house, how easy it was for me to figure out how to get to the hospital when I would realize that I had done damage to myself.

I know you love her, but, continue to love her this way and you may love her right into the grave.

These are HER RESPONSIBILITY. Her actions are bringing on these problems, whether it's a burnt thumb, a bad gash in her leg close to an artery (like I had) a split forehead (like I had), whatever. The longer you continue to step in, the longer it will take her to realize FULLY where her actions and drug usage is taking her.

Please try Alanon and/or Naranon on a REGULAR basis and continue to post here, and let us know how you are doing, as we do care very much.

Love and hugs,

I cant even think about what I have done in my darkest moments. It is just so completely insane.
I have to say. When I read FandF it really hits me hard. I know what I put my family through and it just breaks my heart to hear what others are having to endure at the expense of us addicts.
I dont have to say what has already been said.
I just want to let you know I'm thinking of you.
http://i81.photobucket.com/albums/j2...4/IM_A0095.jpg

My husband and I go through times like this, Obsessed. But we have talked and though it is HARD, we have tried to give gifts without strings.

If I have an outcome in mind, then I cannot give. Even if the outcome might be considered "normal"... because my kids are not normal, they are addicts. So if I cannot give without an expectation of a thank you, a reimbursement, or gratitude... then I must refuse to give that particular gift.

Since I was trying so hard to demonstrate this for Mr. Big at one point, I got much better at it than I might have otherwise.


Today, I can tell right away if I have an expectation... and I know that today's expectations are tomorrow's resentments. If I don't want the resentment, I have to either give up the expectation... or not do the giving.



(((loving hugs))))