nytepassion

I look like someone you used to know. You recongize my voice, but do you know me?

I will lie to you without blinking .. I will steal from you without a second thought ... I will con you out of whatever I deem I want or need from you and I am skilled in the art of manipulation and I know how to work you and get exactly what I want from you. I know all the buttons to push .. all the faces to make .. all the heart strings to pull ..right down to knowing just how to breath around you. Do you know me?

I will take and take and take some more .. as long as you are willing to give I will let you ... and I will do it in such a way that you will think you are offering .. I will have you insisting on helping me ... Thats how good of a con I am. Do you know me?

I am your husband, your son, your wife, your daughter, your mother, your father .. I come in all colors, races and creeds .. I am rich, middle class, poor and homeless .. (different faces in different phases) all headed in the same direction. Do you know me?

Seen at my best .. my worst is yet to come. I'm on top of the world (at least in my world I am) Do you know me?

One minute I will smile in your face and the next I'll verbally cut your heart out. Do you know me?

I am very creative and can condure up elborate stories that will blow you away. I should be a star .. I could win the award for best actress/actor of the year .. year after year.... Do you know me?

I can make you love or hate me in an instant and then take you from hating me to loving me in less time then that. Do you know me?

You will threaten me, throw me out and take me back so many times that you won't know whether you are coming or going. Do you know me?

I can stay gone for hours, days, weeks, months at a time .. and walk back in like I've been home all along ... Do you know me?

I will drain you financially, emotionally, mentally, physically and even spiritually .. yet you love me. Do you know me?

Let me introduce myself....

I am your addict.

You may not know me, but I know you.

Passion
Recovering addict

peaceteach

Wow. I think that's all I can say, is Wow. Besides the fact that your words are bringing me to tears, Passion. Thanks for the brutality, really. It cuts me to the core...

outonalimb

Wow.

Absolutely...positively...knock my socks off ACCURATE description of the addict.

You captured it in a nutshell. You truly did.

The truth is so brutal sometimes but its the truth and its good to look it in the eye once in a while...even if it does sting a little bit.

thanks Nyte !!!
Great post !!!

LiveLife

Oh God, Passion ...... tears .....

I've been living with you for 2 years. I've been separated from you for 2 months ..... and I'm so vulnerable to you that I'm scared to death the next time I see you, I'll invite you right back into the most initmate parts of my life.

The saddest thing is that tears still come and I miss you. I only ever wanted the best for you and for "us." I gave everything for you to be sober and so now since you've taken everything I had, you are on your own. God bless you and give you peace. May you find the path to unlock the amazing individual you truly are.

There is no way for me to know you, until you know yourself.......

nytepassion

LiveLife

and I hope you do just that.

Live it without me ... because I am poison to myself, to you, anyone .. right now.

There are cracks and creviouses all around and I know the way in .. I know your weaken for me and I need you to know that I am not worthy of being taken into deep intimate places of your life ... I am to messed up to appreciate, cherish or treasure such privledge.... please for both our sakes be strong. Don't let me back in. No matter what I say. No matter how nice I may seem today or the next. If you let your guard down I will come in without hesitation because I need you to be who you've been for the past two years so that I can continue to be who I am today as this serves as validation that somehow all the things I've said and done are okay ... and therefore I am okay.

I need you to be strong so that I can stop blaming you for who and what I've become. I hope you know it isn't your fault, but for now it has to be because I am to sick to embrace the truth .. because if I did embrace it .. it would mean I had to change and I am not ready for that. Not yet ... and honestly, I don't know if I will ever be.

The one you cry for is not me, but it is for someone long ago. You think you miss me, but it is the memory of what I used to be that you miss and long for. (With every fiber of your being) embrace who I am today and not what you hope I will be tomorrow.

You wanting the best for us was not enough. I had to want the best for myself, but I have settled for less and got less then I settled for. For you "the best" is yet to come as long as you don't stop, put your life on hold waiting for me.

Sober is what you wanted so badly for me to be, but until I want it .. I won't be.

Now that I am on my own maybe I can finally have the chance to find the path that leads me back to myself .. until then I will remain lost, but at least I can take with me hope .. hope that you have given me by looking fear in the eye and facing it with courage in order to become an even more amazing individual then you already are.

Cry this one last time and then release me ... let go all the way because holding on is holding back. You've traveled to far to be at a stand still. Let go .. I know you are doing so with love .. I hope you can now give yourself the permission to be free.

LauraK

Nyte - you have a way with words...this did make me cry (both of your posts) but it's what we all need to hear, a big thanks to you

8

LiveLife

Passion-

Yes, it's true. The tears are for the amazing years we had before you gave in to your addiction. Your incredible passion for life, for love, for "us." I read your letters and notes over and over. I look at pictures of you, of us. I regret we didn't grab a stonger hold on the good times ... that we passed up chances to let each other know how much we meant to each other. My best friend and soul mate died and was replaced by you.

You drained my life slowly. You realized that I would hold on to you until the last drop of energy left my body. Then I let you go and dropped to the ground exhausted and alone. Both of us alone, now. You tried to reach out to me, but I don't have the energy to respond. I hope you understand. I can't help you anymore. I know if I answer your calls, I will lose the last bit of life I have, because I will give everything to you. If I help you, it will only add one more high to help you escape the reality of how far we have fallen.

I hope you understand I had to let you go because I love you. Sometimes love is not enough. I have realized that I cannot love you sober and the more I help you, the more I prolong the misery for both of us.

I pray you will break free and find yourself. The path may be long and painful, but I know I cannot catch you along the way or it will hurt you.

Please understand I cannot wait for you even though I feel as though I will always love you ... my one true love. You have given me the gift of knowing that true love is possible.

Even though our life together was too short ... I will never regret loving you.

Abundance

what i needed to read tonight. thank you xoxo

littlebird77

this should go on the top!

gotahavfaith

Oh Nyte!

How incredibly beautiful, sad, tragic, and true. I sit here with tears running down my face.

My daughter is my addict. And it breaks my heart. I grieve for the person she was. And I hope and pray that she finds her way.

Thank you so much for that post.

Gotahavfaith

rose

Nyte,
Really there is nothing much more to be said about our addict, every bit of your post each and everyone of us has gone through.

A very good post for all of us to read and something I think all knew comer's should read as well, it would sure shed some light of what addicts do.

Rose

MrsMagoo

You are always right on time! Thank you. I need to pull some of your old PM's and re-read them for the umpteenth time. It is starting to take hold in my brain now that the cloud has been removed. You are awesome and I love you!!

28Days

I read this a couple days ago. And it has taken me until now to be able to put words to how much that cut me to the core. It's chilling how true it is, and how much that described the last year of my life. Thank you so much for that.

Perhaps this could become a sticky??

pjbs55

Passion,
Thank you for the wonderful post. LiveLife you said alot of wonderful things too.
Passion you have a way with words, and always say the right things when I am doubting myself. You make me realize I am doing the right thing. I always look for your post when I come on. I know I will see what I need to see that day.
May your HP keep you safe, hope all is going well with your family.
Hugs to you

sclarke64448

Wow! My XABF is such a talented writer and I never knew!! Seriously this is so scary! Very scary!

dslalonde

Sher,
Tears are running down as i write to you.
How do you respond to such a powerful Post.
All i can do is hope that you come to realize how profound your insight can be. You are an incredible woman, and I will never be able to thank you for helping me understand and the encouragement to help my son with his addiction.
My heart breaks as i read your posts, I guess i can never understand the depths of addiction as you do, but your posts are always powerful and inspirational, yet they have such a saddness and grief in them that is hard to ignore. I worry about you Sher. Just know not a day goes by that i do not think of you and your girls, and pray for peace in your life.
sincerely,
Susan

Serenity Bound

"Nyte" your posts have always been a blessing to me. Your insight, profound. Thank you yet again for reminding me that I CAN NOT let my guard down even for a second.

May God Bless you & your girls.
Chris

Lostnhurt

I am new to this forum. I would like to say I am new to this life, but I married an addict seven years ago. Why? Because I made excuses to dance around his addiction and because he said he loved me. The most important reason was, I love him. Yes, he is a great husband. Yes, he is a great father. But when he's in the midst of trying to quit, he's now neither. I have been lied to, and our finances have been depleted. So why do I still love this man and stay by his side? Why do I put my five year old at risk with all of this. Those are the questions I have. My husband has never been physically abusive. He doesn't have it in him. But, I do realize now he has been mentally abusive because he has made me an enabler. He knew that I never was into drugs and barely have a drink. He just made me believe (yes, I said made me) that smoking pot wasn't so bad. He made me believe that his taking my pills from surgery would help his back. I was nieve, no more. My husband finally went into a program last week. It was the hardest week of my life, but it was all about him. Yet why is it that I am the one trying to keep the home front together? Trying to keep my very young, but smart daughter from realizing that her father has a very serious sickness? Why do I feel responsible for all of this? I never took the money away. I never confronted him. I never stopped him. I believed all of his excuses -- "I'm depressed and this is the only way I can handle it." "My mind runs so fast, and pot is the only thing to slow it down and keep me sane and level." I should have realized how bad it was when he sent me to a large city on a train at night to meet someone to buy him pot. Me, his wife, and he was willing to risk my safety for his pleasure. We even had to "find stuff" on vacation. He even tried to suck me in. When I had my daughter, I will never, ever forget when we were in the hospital and I was recovering from a painful and complicated c-section. The nurse would come in and give me two pain pills. He convinced me to slip one aside for him. And the worse part is - I DID IT. To this day, I cannot understand why. I think I would rather he cheated on me with a woman than cheated on me with drugs. I don't know what to do any more. Whenever I talk to him, I end up feeling guilty. He's the one having the problem. He's the one suffering. He's the one trying to battle this. Me, well, I'm the supportive one - have to be there for him. Never once has he ever considered me in all of this. Sure, he's said sorry in tearful words, but then turns around and repeats his actions. I just want to drive off a cliff. Seriously. I have thought about it so many times. However, I have a little girl who depends on me and who I love and adore. I also have a husband who depends on me and who I love and adore. However, that love is being tested over and over again. As I told my father, I am a tough cookie. As my father responded in kind, even the toughest cookie begins to crumble. I have now crumbled and am at a loss. If I ever lost my husband, I would be lost. However, we cannot continue on this path . It is not healthy for anyone, but especially my little girl. Our little girl. The one person I thought would make him change his ways. HELP!!!! I don't know how to go forward any more. I am loosing faith in everything. I am crumbling.

nytepassion

Welcome to the forum. I am sorry you have to be here, but glad that you've found your way. This is an awesome place filled with awesome people and you are in good hands.

I hope you will post what you've written here on a new thread because I'm afraid that this actual thread is pretty old and has been resurrected from the grave a couple of times LOL, and I think a lot of people may not read it any more.

I can read your desire for answers ... I can feel from it how lost and desperate you feel. I know the pain that comes with the territory of loving an addict and there are many here that have walked the path before you and can help guide you and give you strength as you journey down the path of your own recovery. Yes, I did say YOUR RECOVERY we get as sick if not sicker then the addict themselves.

I would like to encourage you to read all you can about enabling, codependency and detaching with love. Knowledge is power.

I would also like to encourage you to hang on ... and to apply what you learn ... life can and will get better.

Hugs,
Passion

nytepassion

LiveLife,

I am not sure what has happened in your life since we danced with words. I can only hope that you've gone on with your life and not returned to your addict.

I hope you have given him the gift of being free and in turn freed yourself.

If not I'm sure by now regret will have set in ... time is less then kind to those who live with and love an addict.

Passion