outonalimb

when I started this journey, I thought I could work my way thru layers of recovery and one day I would have worked my way thru the whole onion. And then I would be 'fixed'...

Ha! How naive I was !

Not only do the the layers keep coming and coming and coming, but sometimes I have to work my way thru the same damn layer time and time and time again. Its hard to see progress sometimes but I know I must be making some. Gosh, I hope so !

Anyway...I'm working thru a new, very tough one and it deals with the "death" of my relationship with my former step daughter. Her name is Taylor. She was just 2 when I met her dad and one of the things I absolutely loved the most about my exh was what a loving, attentive dad he was. He was the most affectionate person I ever met...and he was so affectionate with Taylor...I was blown away.

I was her step mom from the age of 3 to 11. She officially lived with her mom (my exha's first wife) but she was at our home most of the time. She called me "mom" all those years. I tried my very best to me a good mom to her. I really did. AGainst all rules, however, I also quickly became the disciplinarian in our home because she lacked discipliine in any form from her dad or natural mom. I think this always kept a little bit of a wedge between us. I really do.

Her mom was borderline neglectful of her daughter and I tried so hard to fill a void that I knew she had in her life.

I think I did a pretty darn good job of loving that girl and setting clear boudaries for her. I like to think that I was a good influence on her.

Anyway...thru a very unfortunate series of events, I am pretty much estranged from this girl now. The reasons are so complex... There are probably a million little reasons this happened but the main one has to do with my pride.

You see...for a few years after I left her dad, I tried to maintain a relationship with her. I frequently had her over to my home...I allowed my exah to see his daughter at my home because had I not, he wouldn't have seen her at all. she spent all of the major holidays with me and my family...and very few with her mom. Her mom doesn't do holidays or any real family-oriented things with her.

Well...this woman accused me of being a bad influence on her daughter...she accused me of 'messing with her daughter's head" as far as her father and I were concerned because I managed to remain civil with my exah during visitation. I guess she thinks divorced people have to hate each other and discontinue all contact...And for some reason, the fact that I didn't do this caused her to accuse me of playing mind games with her daughter about whether or not her dad and I would ever reconcile.

Her accusations were false. They were. It took me a few years to think about it, weight it out...because this accusation, more than any I other I faced during my struggles with exah, hurt the very most. It cut me to the core. I had many long discussions with her about the fact that no matter what, we would remain a family...I tried to do what I thought was right for the children. I had their best interest at heart. And then to hear this woman stand there and accuse me of being a bad influence on her daughter...my heart ripped in two. It really did.

I allowed this woman's venom to poison my relationship with her daughter. I believed that I should honor this woman's wishes because she is, after all, the girl's natural mother...so I decided to defer to her and I have gradually eased out of the relationship. Its gotten to the point now that I think the relationship is shattered. She resents me...And for good reason...I know this...

And as bad as I feel about this happening...
I don't want to try and fix it. I feel like I have so much to worry about...like I don't really have enough to give..And I feel really bad about this. I do. I feel like I abandoned Taylor...and yet, something stops me from reaching beyond her mother to remain a consistent force in her life. And if I'm going to be completely honest with myself its because I don't feel that my efforts are apprciated and valued...and in fact, I think they are mocked and criticized openly by her mother to anyone who will listen.

Oh, its all so damn complicated.

Maybe I'm just tired?
Maybe I'm just selfish?
Maybe I'm just being practical?
Maybe I'm a mix of all of this stuff.
I don't know...
The situation weighs on my mind, my heart, and my conscience...

I know this was a long post. Thank you for letting me share it. Maybe I can work my way thru this issue by thinking out loud here about it...thanks for letting me do just that.

Mary

BayAreaPhoenix

OutonaLimb - what a wonderful gift you gave Taylor! IMO, for what it's worth, I think to let Taylor work out her own situation with her biological mother vs. you is just fine, and something she needs to do. I can relate - not from my step-mom, who I choose to not have contact with - but with other family members. The foundation they all built with me as a child served me well when I got older and was ready to spend time with family again. Young adults in general have a hard time keeping up with more than 2 parents - but as time goes on and they get older, they start rediscovering the other important people from their young lives, and to leave that door open is and has been one of the greatest blessings given to me. My mother criticized all the people who are my family, but you know who I'm still in contact with and who I'm not? That's right - I don't speak to my mother, but the rest of my family is very much a part of my life as I am a part of theirs. It wasn't until my mid-to-late 20's that I started to reappreciate my family, and I think that's pretty standard.

So, give yourself a break. You have done the best you could, you did more than a lot of others. I imagine that there are very mixed feelings on Taylor's part for her mother's behavior and what she says about you. But, she is her mother, so for now she will do what she can to keep the peace.

If you can, keep the door open, she knows where you are and she knows you love her and that she is welcome, and when she's ready, she'll walk through that door! In the meantime, you need to take care of yourself and your family. That's all you can do.

Feel good about what you did give Taylor! Let her feel good about it too.

((((hugs))))

grateful2b

My heart goes out to you, Outonalimb....being a stepmom is a tough enough gig.I agree with codeinewife completely...and Taylor is going through so much stuff that does not even have anything to do with you...But IMO, you have planted some beautiful seeds in her heart, keep the door open, and someday she will be older and hopefully more able to appreciate what you have given her......

outonalimb

I know that was a rediculously long thread. It felt good to get it out there...to express some of the thoughts and emotions that have rolled thru my head and my heart over all of this for so long now.

Thank you for reading thru it...
And thank you so much for your kind words. They are like balm on an open wound...they really are.

I went for a long walk and really thought about it and I think a big part of my hestitation to reach out is that I don't know what the future holds as far as her dad and I are concerned. We have a very civil relationship...too civil for people who are divorced according to some people.

I just haven't fully moved on yet.
I'm still in limbo.
And if her mother is right and this civil relationship causes confusion for a child than I am guilty as charged. And so maybe her mom is right...I don't know....I know I"m not perfect...I know I've made mistakes....I feel like I should be the bigger person and rise above it and try to mend things but I'm stuck in the mud...maybe even stuck in cement.

((((((((((codeinewife))))))))))))

(((((((((((grateful2b)))))))))))))))

Thank you so much...I am so grateful for your kindness at a time when I feel like a horrible person...

DesertEyes

Hey there Mary

I can sure relate to your post. When I married my charming wife 20 some years ago she came with a very troubled 16yr old pre-installed. Like you, I became the default disciplinarian, and as the drop-in step dad that was a challenge. Eventually, daughter and I became close. I became the "father figure" in her eyes, to the point that during a time in her life when she became very lonely and depressed about being single she actually told me that all she wanted in life was a man that would treat her the way I treated her Mother.

Then her Mother got hooked on pain pills, and married men. Things got worse, we divorced, and I also chose to back off and let Mother and daughter work things out on their own. The first couple years I heard _nothing_, but I sent birthday cards and small christmas gifts to her and her rug-rats anyway, just like I did before the divorce. It's been three years now and I'm starting to get slightly longer and deeper emails, even a christmas gift.

They say time heals all wounds, and whatever wound this poor child has must be very deep indeed. In time, our daughter will make up her own mind about what kind of relationship she wants with me. Regardless of what stuff her mother is spouting about me. I think that when Taylor is ready to reach out to you she will do so. If you are half as warm and giving in real life as you are here on the web, Taylor will remember you as far more than just a step mom. You are her role model.

As far as her biological mother, she sounds like a very bitter and angry co-dependent in a great deal of denial. Perhaps someday the HP will drag her sorry tush to a meeting. She is certainly the _opposite_ of the kind of woman I would want raising _my_ child!!! So if a very sick, negative and hostile person does _not_ like you, that sounds like a compliment to me

Perhaps you can do some small gesture towards Taylor, sort of like me sending birthday and christmas gifts. Something to keep the connection open, without creating an all out reaction by her mother.

Mike

outonalimb

(((((((Mike)))))))))

You are an absolute angel. Thank you for your kind and very wise words.

You give me hope that maybe time will heal the wounds.
Thank you so much.....

I still have her over on occassion...the visits are pretty infrequent...she is 15 now and has her own life...
There is a huge gap between us emotionally as well as physically but I have remained in her life...watching from afar.

To think that one day the wounds wil heal and this relationship can be repaired makes me feel really happy inside. Thanks for the ray of hope.

grateful2b

amen to that...

peaceteach

Out on a Limb,
I think it is absolutely wonderful that you love this child, even if from afar. Fifteen is a tough age for any young girl, and we all know they prefer spending time with their friends over any parents-LOL! As you continue to walk the walk, remember for yourself that actions speak louder than words, and Heather is still "watching" your actions, sweetie. Hold your head high, be proud of the effort you put in, continue along your path toward recovery, and always let Taylor see that there are many ways to live life. Hugs to you for being one of the ones who knows how to take care of ALL kids, your own or your step, or nieces, nephews, the list goes on. I spent a year caring for my nephews when their dad (my brother) died and their mother turned to drugs and alchohol. I don't hear much from them these days, but both left my house and are in college and pretty self-sufficient. I know that my mark on them may have been brief, but was the best I could do during a critical time. I think your mark on Taylor will one day prove bigger than you realize.

lil516

How fortunate this young woman is to have a loving adult in her life...can't have too many of those!

15 is such a difficult age....probably the age that many of our sons and daughters started to become influenced by pressures etc that eventually started their journeys to addiction....(not saying in any way that this will happen to Taylor!)

continue to have her over....let her know she has a loving adult in her life (not another friend....15 year olds usually don't need more friends but they do need the ocassional responsible adult)

the seeds you continue to plant will flourish (perhaps in ways you'll never know...but you may be the role model she one day follows when she becomes a mom.....)

many blessings for the important role you play in her life

mooselips

OOAL,
Time changes everything.
IMO, this young lady, when she matures, will realize that you were the stablizing force in her life, and will reach out to establish a relationship with you.

Now, on the other hand, if she is bombarded with negativity by her "mother" that, may affect her thinking as an adult, she may not be able to view your previous relationship with her as positive.


For the present time, Writing it out and verbalizing it is a way to let go of the hurt, I would hope.

frankly

((Out))

I was in a similar situation with Mike's daughter Bianca. Except Mike and I could have no contact of any kind. Yet his daughter reached through that veil for a little while, until her mom and dad forbid her to ever contact me again. I still love her, I still care about her, and she still loves me. At age 8 Bianca couldn't read on a first grade level. Her parents didn't even know or care when I brought it to their attention. I made sure that she learned to read and she graduated high school last year. She did contact me and told me she will always see me as "mom" no matter what. When things get tough for her and she feels like she can't trust anyone, she calls me, because she knows I will be honest with her. In between, there is no contact. Doesn't mean I don't care or she doesn't. She knows how to reach me if she needs me.

Taylor knows in her heart, that you love her no matter what anyone tells her. It's OK that there is distance between you two. At that age, there is distance between her and everyone. Don't be suprised if she comes to you one day, needing a truthful answer or advice that she can trust. Even if she's in trouble when that happens, it will warm your heart.

Hugs
B

greeteachday

((((((Mary)))))
You've given Taylor so much and she is very fortunate to have you in her life. I totally agree, her biological mom probably is threatened by you and her reasons for telling you that you are messing with the child's head are not about doing the best she can for her daughter....I suspect she is jealous on many levels.

15 is a tough time, but you have built a solid foundation in this young girl's life...one she will recognize as loving and sincere as she grows in maturity. Kids "know" real...and you are real, my friend.
I'm glad you still have her around sometimes...Your relationship may not be as close as before, but that may have been the case for some teen years regardless. She comes to visit...to me that says a lot. Many 15 year olds would feel to ackward or not want to be seen with an adult. Just keep being beautiful Mary and I know this will work its way out. Little cards, little notes just letting her know you are thinking of her can go a long, long way. Much love dear friend and a special hug for your little guy!!

Impurrfect

(((OOAL)))

I think Taylor is very blessed to have you in her life.

My niece if 14. We are not biologically related...her mom was my stepsister, who was killed when Brit (niece) was a baby. I have always been there for her, except when I was in active addiction.

When you said Taylor was 15, I think that has a lot to do with it. Brit is so wrapped up in her own little world, that she really wants nothing to do with any of the family (me, dad, stepmom, her biological aunt/my stepsister, or her cousins who adore her). My stepmom is a huge codie who has never put down rules or disciplined Brit, so she practically lives at her best friend's house and is home-schooled.

She has a lot of anger (and rightly so...mom is dead, dad is crack addict) but takes it out on us..tells us she hates us on a regular basis. However, when her dad was in a car wreck and was debating on whether to go see him, I told her I would go with her (his parents are extremely manipulative). She told me if she went, she would take the "one person who I KNOW has my back...and that's you". This is from the same child who cusses me out on a regular basis.

If Taylor is going through any of the same things Brit is, she KNOWS you love her, but she will fight tooth and nail with anyone who doesn't give her what she wants. Even when Brit is home, now, we don't talk much...I'm on my computer, she's on the other one. I refuse to listen to her cuss out my stepmom, and have had to back off because stepmom allows it, and I was the one getting stressed out about it. But I have no doubt that Brit loves me and at some point in her life, will realize the things I've done to try to steer her in a better direction was because I do love her. Right now she equates love with what you can give her or let her do.

I don't mean to hog your thread with my story, but it sounds like Taylor is dealing with a similar situation. I've told Brit that I love her and if she wants to talk, I am more than willing, and then let it go. Sometimes that's all we can do. It took me a LOT of time here on F&F to get to that point.

I hope this helps....teenagers these days are faced with way more than I ever was...throw in an inconsistent parent who doesn't believe in discipline, and it's pretty bad.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

BigSis

In today's world, it is more likely than not that Taylor will have to experience a break up - whether with a boyfriend or girlfriend or husband... at some point.


How wonderful that you showed by example that these breakups do not have to mean all out war. That was a gift. Don't think of it any other way.



Teens are hard, Mary. Sooooo hard. Far more difficult than I ever, ever imagined.


Taylor has a lot going on, and most of it DOESN'T include the adults in her life. She is working on Taylor... but in a few years, she will be ready to show you the results. I know you will be excited to see the beautiful young woman she is about to become.


((((OOAL)))))