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I am Powerless(I really am)

Old 02-24-2008, 07:19 AM
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Wink I am Powerless(I really am)

Got a good lesson this week that no matter where we are in recovery, how strong we feel, things can go to h*ll pretty quickly. Talked to Megan on Monday. Found out that she spent 4 days in the hospital recently for Bronchitis due to uncontrolled asthma. (uncontrolled because she and the abf would rather buy drugs than medicine). Anyway I asked her why she did not call me and she said that she did not want me to tell the doctors that she is an addict because they would be mean to her. In other words, the doctors may try to prevent the abf from bringing in heroin for her to keep her out of withdrawals. Megan told me that she would come over today to see me and bring dinner to show off her cooking skills. Well last night when I did not hear from her regarding today (and knowing what that means) I called her. Well, I am a mean mother. We are not getting along and she does not want to come. What does this show me: It shows me that irrespective of how I treat her (good or bad, nice or mean) I will get addict behavior, I will get blamed for things that I did not do and have no control over. I understand that now all too well. You see I thought that we were okay, I thought that things were better, I thought by accepting her for where she was in her life, that I would at least get some contact with her. Well I am going back to step one because yesterday showed me that I was just fooling myself. Hugs, Marle
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Old 02-24-2008, 07:36 AM
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awwwwww (((((Marle)))))), I'm sorry Megan's acting like that.

It seems we A's have to cause chaos, strife, etc. in our relationships, because we're so used to stressful life (at least I did). I got in arguments with dad a lot. I now know that I started the arguments or the crappy attitude as a way to keep him at arm's length. If I let him get too close, then I would see how much I was hurting him and that was more than I was able to handle without crack.

I've always created problems in my life (even before I was an A), because I was uncomfortable with a calm life. Don't have a CLUE where I got this from...definitely not the way I grew up! Throw drugs into the picture and I was only comfortable with chaos. Megan's probably just throwing up a wall right now to preserve her addiction. It has nothing to do with or how good a mom you are!

Just keep on taking care of you! Hopefully, Megan will find her way out of the addiction he!! she's in (even though SHE thinks it's normal).

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 02-24-2008, 07:37 AM
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It shows me that irrespective of how I treat her (good or bad, nice or mean) I will get addict behavior, I will get blamed for things that I did not do and have no control over.

This one is a toughie when it comes to our kids, Marle. I mean, I got it with my exah, but it still blindsides me with my child... It's so hard to shut off our feelings, though. I do remind myself sometimes that I have never once "blamed" MY mother for anything that has gone wrong in MY life! This at least helps me to realize that I did not cause my son's addictions and to relieve myself of that guilt. I really admire you, Marle, and I send you prayers and a hug for jumping right back to step one. Sigh, sometimes it looks like the "no contact" for a while rule is the only one to use to protect ourselves from their addiction. It's such a sad state when THEY don't remember or recognize all the pain their words can cause, but we seem to remember ALL of it... Quack, quack, quack, sister.
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Old 02-24-2008, 08:35 AM
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Originally Posted by marle View Post
irrespective of how I treat her (good or bad, nice or mean) I will get addict behavior, I will get blamed for things that I did not do and have no control over.
You're right, it IS addict behavior,
and it projects itself on people who are the closest to the addict.

In fact, that's what the topic is this morning in my ODAT book.

Sometimes I have a very difficult time NOT speaking up, and saying exactly how I feel to my AS, but it goes no where, so I've resigned myself to ahuh, and Oh? And hmmmm....

You're doing great.

Hugs,
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Old 02-24-2008, 08:50 AM
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"so I've resigned myself to ahuh, and Oh? And hmmmm...."
The thing is Moose is those are my words exactly and still I am mean. Go figure Hugs, Marle
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Old 02-24-2008, 09:24 AM
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(((((Marle)))))
I'm sorry - it's so hard for parents!
Wish there was something more I could say! You go on being "mean" - looks pretty reasonable!
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Old 02-24-2008, 11:07 AM
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I think they need someone to be mad at to justify their own anger and bad behaviour. I think that they don't know how to handle "acceptance" on our part and that none of the buttons they used to push function anymore. I think this is all about them and has nothing to do with us, good days or bad.

Marle, you have always been an inspiration to me, how your serenity just lets you accept "what is" and how you move on to the next best place to be...out of the line of fire.

And Moose has always made me sit tall because I need to learn from her recovery too, and how to say hmmm and oh? and uh-huh.

So today I am cheering you other moms on, you are amazing and shining so brightly it's melting the snow.
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Old 02-24-2008, 11:53 AM
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Big hugs to you Marle.

I admire your recovery. Its shining so brightly.

No matter how twisted up we can become, going back to step one (admitting we are powerless) always, always, always helps us get back on track.

You're in my thoughts and prayers, my friend. And so is Megan.
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Old 02-24-2008, 03:59 PM
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(((Hugs))) to you

there is no way to understand addict behavior....
my 'guess' is that she needs to be angry at you so she can justify her "choices"

but who knows....

in the meantime I too admire your recovery....
I am so sorry that you are going through this...

I pray that you continue to have the strength needed to move forward

I pray that your daughter's recovery is just around the corner...
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Old 02-24-2008, 09:02 PM
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Marle,

Wonderful lesson in this for me, too, Marle. I know that the only person I can change is me. And when I do the hard work and do change, thinking that certainly there will be progress, well, there is .... IN ME. I wish the program DID guarantee that if we change, they'd change. But it doesn't. It just promises a better way of life for us. And if our addicted person changes for the better, then that's just a bonus.

And Marle, I have to tell you. I can think of lots of adjectives I'd use to describe you, but MEAN isn't one of them. I'm going out on a limb, right here, right now, and say your AD doesn't have a clue how UNmean her mama is. I hate that for her and you. She's missing a real treat in you.

Hugs,
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Old 02-24-2008, 10:33 PM
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Originally Posted by Ann View Post
I think they need someone to be mad at to justify their own anger and bad behaviour. I think that they don't know how to handle "acceptance" on our part and that none of the buttons they used to push function anymore. I think this is all about them and has nothing to do with us, good days or bad.
I think this says it all, nothing is their fault usually, and they love to turn the tables on us (re: you're a mean mom)...it hurts, but we know that they are just lashing out. ((((Marle)))) Sorry this happened to you anyway...
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Old 02-24-2008, 10:40 PM
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(((Marle)))
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Old 02-25-2008, 06:44 AM
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How easy it is for them to point the finger at the one's that love them the most. I'm sorry you were hurt again, and I agree, you are not mean. The is no winning side in this hell.
love andprayers,
susan
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Old 02-25-2008, 07:37 PM
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((((((Marle)))))))
I think the short responses mainly kept me from engaging...The lashing out came whether I spoke or didn't. I can still close my eyes and remember one long tirade so distinctly...Almost as if there was more than one person involved in the discussion...there wasn't, just my child. It hurst and I'm sorry you are going through it. It is tough remembering it is not personal when it is a child we love with all our hearts. Hugs
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