MrsMagoo

My husband and I are discussing getting back together. He's been out of the house for almost a month.

Yesterday, I came home and my 12 year old son was bawling because he does NOT want us to get back together. It broke my heart. He knows about the drinking the drugs and he hates my AH for it. He loves that he's gone. He's never really warmed up to my new husband (2 years) but he loves his little sister that was a result of the marriage.

How do I talk to him? I have always wanted to be honest with him, which is why he knows about the relapse. My worst fear is that he's going to want to go live with his dad (who loves him but can't support or take care of him due ot his work schedule).

I told AH about my son's reaction to him coming home and it broke his heart.

laurie6781

First of all, my personal opinion is 30 days IS WAY TOO SOON!

Maybe at the end of a year, if his ACTIONS, not his words, shows that there is RECOVERY GOING on.

For now, if it were me I would not subject my 12 year old son to someone who is in early recovery.

Please, attend some Alanon or Naranon meetings for YOU.

Personally at this point letting him come back now will only 'hinder' his recovery as he will be able to focus more on family (excuse) than on actual recovery. Recovery, especially in the first year or so is EXTREMELY HARD WORK.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing, we do care very much.

Love and hugs,

bluejay6

hello,
i strongly agree with laurie. please: protect your son. your AH will be walking into an enabling situation the moment you allow him back into the house, which can add to his destruction. no one will benefit.

love him from a distance and let TIME and ACTION (i agree--a year of solid recovery) do the work.

you also need much recovery, mrsmagoo. it is a family illness.
please, be careful.

much love your way.

huckster

Out of the mouth of babes, hang on 1 month is so short on the road to recovery.. JMHO..

MrsMagoo

Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't explain well. We didn't split up last month over addiction.

He went into detox back in November and did really well. He was just starting to backslide and I'm sure did while out of the house. Prior to that, he had been clean for 10 years. We split because I had a temper tantrum to beat all temper tantrums. I know he relapsed while he was out but he is today, supposedly, getting into counseling, looking into marriage counseling, getting up with his sponsor, job hunting and talking to his lawyer. I know this is not an overnight fix.

He is having surgery on March 13th. I feel compelled to take him and drive him back (it's 2-hours away) and let him recover at my house for a few days instead of at a cheap sleazy motel since he'll be immobilized for a few days.

just for today

JMO, be compelled to place your child first, he is the innocent in all of this...From your post this man has no job and (your words) supposedly, getting into counseling, looking into marriage counseling, getting up with his sponsor, job hunting and talking to his lawyer....supposedly being the main word.....wait until he does all these things and has proved he is serious, as the others said 1 year at least....he is looking for a place to crash and someone to take care of him before and after surgery.....

I am sorry to be so harsh....but the one thing that upsets me most in this world of addiction is how the children are so many times put on the back burner while we/they dance the dance....

MrsMagoo

You are right. I don't like it. I never got to pick my step-parents. He still harbors a fantasy that his father and I will reconcile even though it's been 10 years. He didn't like my husband from the 1st day he met him because it threatened his father and I's reconciliation.

MrsMagoo

I said supposedly because I will believe it when I see it. This is not a done deal you guys. I wanted to get some input on how to talk to my son because he assumed we were already divorced (it takes a year of seperation in NC before you can even begin divorce proceedings) and I had to explain to him that we weren't divorced and may not ever get divorced. It all depended on many things. Sobriety is the biggest one because I will not allow someone in active addiction in my home or around my children. Recovery is process that I am willing to support.

laurie6781

As your son is 12, please see if there are any Alateen meetings in your area, I'm sure there are.

You can call the local AA number in the phone book and find out about Alanon meetings for you and Alateen meetings for your son. Or finding some counseling for him. Sounds like he could use some, to rectify some old feelings, yet alone what is going on now.

Please for the benefit of your son do not allow this person back in the home.

That statement of yours got so many RED FLAGS whipping around in my head I couldn't think for a minute.

ACTION, his, not words.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

bluejay6

i hear you, mrsmagoo. and it is true that children often have difficulty accepting a stepparent, difficulty letting go the wish for parents' reconciliation, and your son is 12, a very emotional age, and all these factors do contribute to the overall picture. it is difficult, and probably family counseling with you and your son, definitely-- and possibly your AH if he gets some significant sober time under his belt-- would be very helpful. (but in early recovery after relapse, he cannot focus on family relationships...that comes later).

and you are right: ten years' clean and sober means your AH has a real chance to get clean and stay clean because he's been there.

but the recovering addicts here would say that he is in active addiction now and is not in recovery....no matter the weeks clean thus far. he is an active addict who is pulling together a plan for recovery and that recovery will take time, time, time. stick with him, but from a distance. he will be better off for it. and your family will be safe from his mood swings, or worse. your son's sense of personal power will be ravaged if you let an addict in early recovery back into your home.

all the very best to you!! i am for recovery and supporting the addict in that. absolutely. but please do open your heart to advice about what support looks like. it will make all the difference and could even help save your husband's life. there is MUCH hope for your marriage, if you listen to experience, strength and hope.

hello-kitty

I strongly encourage you to get family counseling for yourself and your son. (Notice I didn't include you husband in there - he should be working his OWN RECOVERY separate from yours).

There are free resources if you don't have the money or if your insurance won't cover it. Just google free family resources divorce children and your state.

MrsMagoo

Actually, my son just got approved for medicaid so that is already on the list of priorities once I get his card. I am already in therapy and have been for months now because of all this stuff.

Thank you for the positive and even the negative responses. I hate that I got defensive but it's hard to put everything that's happened down without writing a novel.

wooforever

MrsMagoo,

You need to sit down and talk to your son. You need to let him know that their is no one that is more important then him. If you have been with the current husband for so long then it should not make a difference to your son, but you told him that he slipped and was using again right.

My ADH and I have a son he is now 15 years old. He does not want his father in the house, I have a 20 years from another marriage, and they both sat down and told me if I was thinking of letting the xadh back into my life or back into my house they both would move out. The older son would take the younger one and leave. That has been almost been 1 yeat.

Your son needs to feel you love him. If you want him to stay after surgrey then you have to ask your son if that is okay with him. But u should be ready for the answer.

MrsMagoo

Anvil - you sorta had it right. He got out of Detox in very early December and has been clean, attending meetings twice a day. He lost his job as a result of detox because he is a substance abuse counselor by profession. A very very good one based on his history.

In August 2007, he almost lost his hand. He was in the VA hospital for 10 days and they were feeding him morphine. He left there with some heavy duty scripts. On October 17th, he was in a car accident and totaled the car. He was given more heavy duty scripts. For a fairly short period of time he shot up the oxycodone and eventually turned to heroin. I caught him with the dope and the rest came out. He began detoxing himself but by the end of the Thanksgiving holiday, he couldn't take it anymore and that Monday, checked himself in to detox.

He did really good for a while. The doctor took him out of work for medical reasons. Obviously, he can't treat people for substance abuse if he's just coming out of detox. We had the big fight on January 26th (the car was getting repossesed because of the financial situation with him loosing his job, I took 4 of this clonopins and flipped out. I don't remember what happened but I woke up in a blinding rage, he called the police and I ended up fighting the police and in jail) :. When I got out of jail, he took off to his sisters with the baby. I got an ex parte custody order and got her back. He spent the first two weeks with his sister (still clean from what I understand) then he came back to the beach and holed up in a hotel. On Valentines Day, I went to his room to get some of my baby's stuff and when he answered the door, he was disoriented, combative and obviously high. When I went in the room, I promptly found a scorched spoon and the top of a wax paper bag. I confiscated those and started making phone calls.

He told me that that was the first and only time he has used dope since before detox. That he realized how quickly everything can be lost and hewas feeling sorry for himself (entitled). He said I scared him and because he wants to be able to see his daughter and hopefully eventually come home, that he is has not done any dope since last Thursday. He realized that he was getting ready to screw up again. He is not taking pain meds (oh yeah, the docs kept on pain meds even after detox). Today he was a little sick (day 3 no opiates). The surgery is to fix his knee, keep him off pain meds and work a pain management program. All his idea after the break up and the doctor's solution to reduce his pain so he doesn't require pain meds (after the first few days)

He has no money, no hope, has hit rock bottom, no job, no place to call home, no daughter, no wife, no family, few friends, no phone and soon no vehicle. Do I feel sorry for him? Only a little bit but he will never know it.

We have custody mediation coming up on March 3rd. I will decide what kind of visitation he can have at that time and inquire whether or not he can be drug tested periodically. He will have to have supervised visitation for quite a while and we will not live under the same roof for quite a while. Much work needs to be done and I will have to be sure he's on the right path. He has to get a job, go to meetings, get therapy, do marriage counseling as well and clean test until I can be satisfied that I'm not being bullshited. I won't risk my daughter or my son.

That's all the stuff that I left out. I didn't want to write a novel and loose anybody's interest.

cece

No one can tell you if you should or shouldn't reconcile, and it seems as if you've made your decision to do just that, and are looking for support in that. I read that desire in your slowly trying to down play his latest use of Heroin hoping someone here will support your desire.
I believe that he was a good man before he relapsed but he of all people knows what he needs to do to get sober and he's not doing that by looking to you for anything.
But again, I don't think you are ready yet to let him do this on his own. I could try to convince you that you are helping him to prolong his relapse by dropping your boundaries. But It took me awhile.
Sigh,
I've been there and those people posting above me have too, and they are coming down realistically hard because they want to spare you the rubber band affect. But I have learned that I don't learn from other people as well as my Higher Power wants me too.
Now about your son, Listen to his huge cry for understanding. Sure that age can be self-centered but they also look toward their mom for many things especially their belief that they are of value, and lovable, as well as loved. The conflict he feels in all of this is the best mirror.
Step-daddy is a big boy he can take care of himself. And should. Support isn't doing for them.
but, I have found that people here stay with me even if I don't listen and never say " I told you so". Even if there is disagreement when you ask for advice.So we are here no matter what you decide.
:praying

bluejay6

"he has no money, no hope, has hit rock bottom......" etc.

oh mrsmagoo, i am so sorry for you both. this is a hard hard disease.

that quote above, about all he has lost, all he is dealing with....just remember, you could make a long list of what you have lost and are losing as well. don't forget....you are suffering, too.

God bless.

lightseeker

Mrsmagoo,

this has been a tough series of posts and I really agree with what cece wrote. It does sound like you have already made your decision. It doesn't matter whether I think it's a good one or a bad one because it is you and your family that is in the situation - not me. I will say that I understand though. I did the very same thing. I allowed a newly sober addict to move in with me and my sons. I now see the consequences of putting my desires and needs first and not my sons. I look back on it now in such a different light than the one that I was sure of 2 1/2 years ago. I, too, had all kinds of bottom lines and stipulations. My addict said EVERYTHING that I needed to hear to convince me that his living here was a good idea. I wish that I had allowed him the dignity of finding his way without me making it softer and gentler for him. He wanted sobriety as long as he didn't have to work to hard at it. In a way - we are allowing someone else to make us their higher power. Very intoxicating stuff and I'm sure that is why my ego allowed me to choose my path. It sounds like the tears of your 12 year old are the canaries in the mind field. HP speaks in whispers and it is easy to disregard them. Loving from afar is definitely possible. If your man has been a substance abuse counselor he knows what real recovery takes. If you can reconcile and be willing to live apart to give him time to prove that he is going to take the next right step then that adds some protection for your children. What bottom lines have you made for yourself in terms of what you will accept? What consequences are you willing to invoke? Do you have other people that you are willing to be accountable with that will give you feedback? Are you going to meetings? Do you have a sponsor? When I focused on myself and what I needed and my boys needed is when I finally began to get some clarity of thought.

It is possible to reconcile with people but true reconciliation occurs when the other party demonstrates (and this takes TIME - like at least a year) that they will consistantly choose the right next thing to do.

You have my support no matter what your choices are - I've certainly been there and I have always appreciated the support of this forum even when I did the opposite of what everyone suggested.

Hugs - Donna

GiveLove

Sounds like you are making a lot of excuses for your active addict husband, who has ruined his own life.

Sounds like he's telling you what you want to hear ("I'm looking into this, thinking about that, considering this...") so that you will make it all better for him.

Sounds like your son is being honest with you about his feelings.

Sounds like you're looking for a way to tell your son that his feelings aren't valid, and to ignore the fact that he might be right.

Because you want what YOU want, which is to reattach to this man no matter what the risks are. Why else would you be considering a reconciliation after just 30 days? (if in fact that is fact)

I wish you and your son luck and happiness.

outonalimb

Everyone is right when they say you are going to do what you are going to do no matter what common sense and your past experience with this addict might be.

The true victims in all of this are your children...not your AH and not you.

Two weeks ago you went to his hotel room...found him "disoriented, combative, and obviously high". Two weeks ago !

And a month ago you describe an incident where you took 4 of his clonopin and ended up combative with police and in jail. Where were your children during this episode? Who was watching them? Where ever they were, your behavior and lapse in judgment allowed your heroin addicted AH to take your daughter forcing you to seek an exparte order to get her back. Your disease (yes YOUR disease not your AH's disease) caused you to put your daughter in harms way and in the care of an active heroin user.

Your disease of codependency is causing you to put your needs ahead of the needs of your children. In this way, you are just as sick as your AH. Two sick people can't cure each other...

Just like your AH...you won't get better as long as you minimize the effect that your behavior has on your children. Just like your AH (any any active addict), you will continue to put your needs and your desires ahead of their well being. Codependency is a disease...its a sickness...and it can be just as harmful as drug use when children get caught in the cross fire.

If you do reconcile, please consider putting your children in the care of someone else. They deserve peace and stability. Ideally, it would come from their mom but if it can't, please find a stable place for them to live away from the insanity of addiction.

Wascally Wabbit

Listen to your gut, not your heart.
What do you know will happen if he comes back home? Is he clean? Will the chaos resume? Is it worth it to yourself and your children?
Addicts are the best at manipulation. They say anything at all to get you to do what they want you to do. While they may be sincere, the fact remains that they have not cleaned up their act and the misery will commence once they get back in.