Possible reconciliation w/Addict
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
mrsmagoo,
reading all these posts today, i just want to thank you for bringing your story to this board. it was a very brave thing to do, it made you vulnerable to potential judgment and feelings of hurt. you may not realize it, but i want to tell you that your story means so much to so many who now struggle with the very same illness in their marriages and primary relationships. this is a cunning illness, it confuses us, it wants us to keep the addict drugged so it can destroy him and his loved ones. do not ever ever feel shame because you have made any mistakes in responding to it. when someone is inside that tornado, the mental chaos can be devastating and it is so hard to be rational and logical. so hard.
you have been a blessing to all those who have read and all those who have responded thus far, for in your story we see ourselves, we see our beloved addicts, we see our frightened children. you are one of us, when we respond to you we are talking to our own hearts and minds and we are fighting like everything to keep addiction from winning.
anytime an addict is enabled the disease is winning. anytime the family comes second, the disease is winning. it wants death and destruction and it wants to win.
i am so grateful to you for your courage and for what this thread reminded me of. i thank my higher power for your story and i pray your story has a happy ending...such things are possible. when we face what needs facing and do what needs doing, dreams really can come true. your family will be in my prayers.
my belief is that we fight this monster with God's help. it is God who can bring serenity, and in serenity, addiction loses its power to control us and to control the addict. the 12 step program has it right: if you can find a way to quell the mental and emotional chaos, addiction starts losing. it feeds on chaos and it seeks every possible way to generate it.
so i wish for you a spiritual journey....i believe it is the addict's only hope...and ours. much love to you today.
bluejay
reading all these posts today, i just want to thank you for bringing your story to this board. it was a very brave thing to do, it made you vulnerable to potential judgment and feelings of hurt. you may not realize it, but i want to tell you that your story means so much to so many who now struggle with the very same illness in their marriages and primary relationships. this is a cunning illness, it confuses us, it wants us to keep the addict drugged so it can destroy him and his loved ones. do not ever ever feel shame because you have made any mistakes in responding to it. when someone is inside that tornado, the mental chaos can be devastating and it is so hard to be rational and logical. so hard.
you have been a blessing to all those who have read and all those who have responded thus far, for in your story we see ourselves, we see our beloved addicts, we see our frightened children. you are one of us, when we respond to you we are talking to our own hearts and minds and we are fighting like everything to keep addiction from winning.
anytime an addict is enabled the disease is winning. anytime the family comes second, the disease is winning. it wants death and destruction and it wants to win.
i am so grateful to you for your courage and for what this thread reminded me of. i thank my higher power for your story and i pray your story has a happy ending...such things are possible. when we face what needs facing and do what needs doing, dreams really can come true. your family will be in my prayers.
my belief is that we fight this monster with God's help. it is God who can bring serenity, and in serenity, addiction loses its power to control us and to control the addict. the 12 step program has it right: if you can find a way to quell the mental and emotional chaos, addiction starts losing. it feeds on chaos and it seeks every possible way to generate it.
so i wish for you a spiritual journey....i believe it is the addict's only hope...and ours. much love to you today.
bluejay
Drug Addiction Has No Mercy
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Milwaukie Oregon
Posts: 875
Since he got out of detox has he used drugs or taken any meds? Did he use his meds as prescribed or did he take more then the recommended dosage?
These are not questions that you need to feel you have to answer here on the forum, but rather for you to quietly examine your heart and pull from it the answers in truth. Whatever they may be.
This has got to be a very difficult and confusing time for you right now to come to a place where you realize your husband "the substance abuse counselor" relapsed and became active in his addiction from point A to point B of where the two of you are today.
Sometimes we get into as much if not more denial then the addict him/herself. We deny what we know to be the truth because we want so badly to believe that things were not as bad as we made them out to be or as they actually were and that this time will be different .. we want so badly to believe that when he says he has it all under control that he really does.
Part of what helped me through times like this was to remember what it was like when we did live together. To recall the memories of how painful it was for me .. how I felt when I'd walk in and see that he was high again. How money ended up missing .. so on and so forth. Remembering the tears and the pain instead of getting lost in the fantasy of what I hoped things would be like this time ..
Hugs and best wishes,
Passion
These are not questions that you need to feel you have to answer here on the forum, but rather for you to quietly examine your heart and pull from it the answers in truth. Whatever they may be.
This has got to be a very difficult and confusing time for you right now to come to a place where you realize your husband "the substance abuse counselor" relapsed and became active in his addiction from point A to point B of where the two of you are today.
Sometimes we get into as much if not more denial then the addict him/herself. We deny what we know to be the truth because we want so badly to believe that things were not as bad as we made them out to be or as they actually were and that this time will be different .. we want so badly to believe that when he says he has it all under control that he really does.
Part of what helped me through times like this was to remember what it was like when we did live together. To recall the memories of how painful it was for me .. how I felt when I'd walk in and see that he was high again. How money ended up missing .. so on and so forth. Remembering the tears and the pain instead of getting lost in the fantasy of what I hoped things would be like this time ..
Hugs and best wishes,
Passion
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
Mrs. Magoo...
Yes, it did take alot of courage to come here with your post.
So many people have reached out to you and bluejay is so very right when she says that the replies come from people who have been in your position.
My exah was a heroin addict. He started using heroin when our son was 3 years old. I stayed with him for about 3 years because I thought he would recover and that we could salvage our family. I believed him when he told me what he was going to do to get clean. I felt so sorry for him. I was scared to death. I wanted so badly to save my marriage that I stayed and ended up losing almost everything. I was so sick with codependency. I was lost in his addiction.
I look back now and I think about the times my exah probably drove with our son while high on heroin. I think about the times he probably brought that crap into our home and used right under my nose without me even knowing it. I think about the times I left my son in his care so I could go to work.
One day I came home and he was hallucinating and I had to have him committed to a psychiatric ward. He had been watching my son for about 5 hours that day...I shudder to think about what could have happend. Oh my God...I can't even think about it.
If I sounded judgmental in my first reply...heck...I was judgmental...and I am truly sorry. I just worry about your children and the effect this will have on them. I worry because I see myself in your situation. The only thing that saved me was to separate myself from my exah. I had to let him do what he was going to do while I focused on healing myself.
My son almost lost both of his parents to addiction even though only one of them was doing drugs.
I lived in denial for 3 years. 3 years ! But in the end, I left because I knew my son needed stability and peace in his life. I did it for my son and after a while, I found myself doing it for ME.
Please don't do anything rash. If he's well today he'll be even more well in 6 months to a years time. Let his actions speak for him. You'll know which way he is heading soon enough...the only question will be...will you watch from a safe distance or will you be in the eye of the storm?
Yes, it did take alot of courage to come here with your post.
So many people have reached out to you and bluejay is so very right when she says that the replies come from people who have been in your position.
My exah was a heroin addict. He started using heroin when our son was 3 years old. I stayed with him for about 3 years because I thought he would recover and that we could salvage our family. I believed him when he told me what he was going to do to get clean. I felt so sorry for him. I was scared to death. I wanted so badly to save my marriage that I stayed and ended up losing almost everything. I was so sick with codependency. I was lost in his addiction.
I look back now and I think about the times my exah probably drove with our son while high on heroin. I think about the times he probably brought that crap into our home and used right under my nose without me even knowing it. I think about the times I left my son in his care so I could go to work.
One day I came home and he was hallucinating and I had to have him committed to a psychiatric ward. He had been watching my son for about 5 hours that day...I shudder to think about what could have happend. Oh my God...I can't even think about it.
If I sounded judgmental in my first reply...heck...I was judgmental...and I am truly sorry. I just worry about your children and the effect this will have on them. I worry because I see myself in your situation. The only thing that saved me was to separate myself from my exah. I had to let him do what he was going to do while I focused on healing myself.
My son almost lost both of his parents to addiction even though only one of them was doing drugs.
I lived in denial for 3 years. 3 years ! But in the end, I left because I knew my son needed stability and peace in his life. I did it for my son and after a while, I found myself doing it for ME.
Please don't do anything rash. If he's well today he'll be even more well in 6 months to a years time. Let his actions speak for him. You'll know which way he is heading soon enough...the only question will be...will you watch from a safe distance or will you be in the eye of the storm?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Wilmington, NC
Posts: 932
Thank you ALL for responding. I know where the words come from and that's why I did it. Plus, my angel friend recommended it.
Today AH is sick. He didn't sleep all night and his body is cramping. He is off all pain meds. He threw them away. He has all the physical and psychological symptoms that I witnessed in November when he detoxed. He told me he has to fix what's on the inside before he can fix what's on the outside which could be exactly what all of you are saying. He has to fix himself before he can come be a part of the family.
BlueJay thank you for saying I did a brave thing. Maybe. I knew what the responses were going to be like. Did I get defensive? Yes I did. I think AH has more tools than most. I just have to wait and see if he pawned them all (ha, ha).
We do have one Ala-Teen here. It's at a bad time and I'm pretty sure my son would not want to go but I will surely ask him if he will. We will talk tomorrow when he comes home from his dad's house.
I'll write more when the baby goes to sleep. She is pulling my hands off the keyboard!
Today AH is sick. He didn't sleep all night and his body is cramping. He is off all pain meds. He threw them away. He has all the physical and psychological symptoms that I witnessed in November when he detoxed. He told me he has to fix what's on the inside before he can fix what's on the outside which could be exactly what all of you are saying. He has to fix himself before he can come be a part of the family.
BlueJay thank you for saying I did a brave thing. Maybe. I knew what the responses were going to be like. Did I get defensive? Yes I did. I think AH has more tools than most. I just have to wait and see if he pawned them all (ha, ha).
We do have one Ala-Teen here. It's at a bad time and I'm pretty sure my son would not want to go but I will surely ask him if he will. We will talk tomorrow when he comes home from his dad's house.
I'll write more when the baby goes to sleep. She is pulling my hands off the keyboard!
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Wow...lots and LOTs of advice before me.
All I can add is to consider which is the worse error...
To return, then discover he is still in active addiction or
To have him stay away and discover he is not.
Which would be harder on the kids? Their's is the only condition that matters.
(((MrsMagoo)))
All I can add is to consider which is the worse error...
To return, then discover he is still in active addiction or
To have him stay away and discover he is not.
Which would be harder on the kids? Their's is the only condition that matters.
(((MrsMagoo)))
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Wilmington, NC
Posts: 932
I don't know what to say. My fear is that he get's clean, gets tired of waiting and proving sobriety and moves on. If there is enough love of himself to get clean and to stay clean and be a father and husband, wouldn't I be throwing it all away by distrusting him and requiring him to stay out for a year? If he's going to meetings, in therapy, wants marriage counseling, is going to church and gets in a men's group or bible study or both (the pastor what's us to form an outreach ministry to others in the congregation like us because of John's background), oh, I don't know. I'm not saying he'd be cured, I know there is no cure but those things would certainly be deterants to relapse.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
((((MrsMagoo))))
I don't think anyone is suggesting throwing it all away.
But I also don't think you should feel as if its now or never...that he would move on if you don't act now. Fear is SUCH a powerful catalyst for us.
Just for today...maybe step back with no promises. Give yourself, your son and your hubby a chance to heal. It hasn't been that long since he was actively using.
Wishing you the best
(((Hugs)))
I don't think anyone is suggesting throwing it all away.
But I also don't think you should feel as if its now or never...that he would move on if you don't act now. Fear is SUCH a powerful catalyst for us.
Just for today...maybe step back with no promises. Give yourself, your son and your hubby a chance to heal. It hasn't been that long since he was actively using.
Wishing you the best
(((Hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: In the City
Posts: 59
Thank you all for your advice and thoughts. My XABF is currently locked up and then off to residential treatment as part of his sentence. I know I will see him again. He has no family and at one time we were incredibly close. You have given me much to think about. I've started a recovery journal and this thread has provided me with many valuable insights to explore and apply to my own situation.
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you all for sharing.
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you all for sharing.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Wilmington, NC
Posts: 932
I just did the ultimate enabling!! Oh, I'm ashamed alright.
Remember AH is detoxing off opiates (pain killers), well apparently he didn't sleep again last night and can't stay off the toilet. He called and asked me to electronically file his unemployment for him. I did it. I did it so he wouldn't have to get out of bed!!:wtf2
I'm off to Church here soon. I am going to pray for strength, wisdom and healing because I have much to work on!!:praying
Remember AH is detoxing off opiates (pain killers), well apparently he didn't sleep again last night and can't stay off the toilet. He called and asked me to electronically file his unemployment for him. I did it. I did it so he wouldn't have to get out of bed!!:wtf2
I'm off to Church here soon. I am going to pray for strength, wisdom and healing because I have much to work on!!:praying
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Wilmington, NC
Posts: 932
LiveLife - keep reading. Do a search of topics or it you see someone's post that you like, look up their name and it will direct you to their threads/posts. There is much to learn here and there are many people like us who have fought the battle and won. We are not alone. This website sustained me for months - when I first found out what was going on, I posted questions to educate myself and ultimately confront AH. Knowledge is power. He didn't like me being enlightened because HE was the expert on this topic. He still doesn't like it.
Although I don't necessarily follow everyone's advice, I do find that they are usually right. At least I am not surprised when what they say will happen, happens. I feel better prepared. It's like have the dentist lined up for when you get kicked in the teeth. Keep reading - it sustains me and sometimes makes me realize that I don't have it nearly as bad as some others do.
Although I don't necessarily follow everyone's advice, I do find that they are usually right. At least I am not surprised when what they say will happen, happens. I feel better prepared. It's like have the dentist lined up for when you get kicked in the teeth. Keep reading - it sustains me and sometimes makes me realize that I don't have it nearly as bad as some others do.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Just take care of yourself and your son, and don't rush into anything as far as reconciling with your husband. Everything will be fine. You are in the midst of everything, so you can't see how the story might unravel. In the end there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING you can do to stop your husband from using drugs again. It's 100% up to him. That's why everyone emphasizes protecting your child from being exposed to heroin junkies and preparing yourself that your husband, despite all his promises otherwise, may not have it in him to recover. That's all. Expect the best but prepare for the worst. Disaster preparedness.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Just take care of yourself and your son, and don't rush into anything as far as reconciling with your husband. Everything will be fine. You are in the midst of everything, so you can't see how the story might unravel. In the end there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING you can do to stop your husband from using drugs again. It's 100% up to him. That's why everyone emphasizes protecting your child from being exposed to heroin junkies and preparing yourself that your husband, despite all his promises otherwise, may not have it in him to recover. That's all. Expect the best but prepare for the worst. Disaster preparedness.
That is pretty pathetic though. That he's too sick to dial for his unemployment but not too sick to call you to ask you to do it for him. In the end, I doubt it'll make any difference on whether he stays off heroin or not.
That is pretty pathetic though. That he's too sick to dial for his unemployment but not too sick to call you to ask you to do it for him. In the end, I doubt it'll make any difference on whether he stays off heroin or not.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
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Posts: 932
I am wishing for the best but preparing for the worst. Such is the life of a single mother. I'm going to my therapist tomorrow. I'm going to ask for a evaluation for my temper issues and my inability to accept or acknowledge my faults. I have a history of failed relationships and anger that I need to address.
Thank you for everything. I think hubby is through the worst of the physical withdrawals and actually slept more last night. He is getting in touch with his mentor today and a substance abuse counselor to determine what the next steps are for clean living.
Thank you for everything. I think hubby is through the worst of the physical withdrawals and actually slept more last night. He is getting in touch with his mentor today and a substance abuse counselor to determine what the next steps are for clean living.
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Posts: 932
Wait! Who just posted that? Nyte?
It appears that as of today, AH is homeles. He either has to make the truck payment or pay for another week in the roach motel. No, I haven't offered to let him come home - we have a no contact order (otherwise, honestly, I probably would). I don't know how I feel about him being a vagrant. I guess this is part of it huh?
Many prayers being lifted up. If he can come through this and continue to be clean (instead of having a pity party), then maybe there is a chance he can stay clean.
Help?
It appears that as of today, AH is homeles. He either has to make the truck payment or pay for another week in the roach motel. No, I haven't offered to let him come home - we have a no contact order (otherwise, honestly, I probably would). I don't know how I feel about him being a vagrant. I guess this is part of it huh?
Many prayers being lifted up. If he can come through this and continue to be clean (instead of having a pity party), then maybe there is a chance he can stay clean.
Help?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I would strongly suggest you open discussions with your therapist about codependency, your codependency and how it has been effecting your inability to accept or acknowledge your faults. Your history of anger and failed relationships.
Drug Addiction Has No Mercy
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Milwaukie Oregon
Posts: 875
He doesn't have to be homeless .. there are plenty of shelters and rehabs so on and so forth. If he is homeless then it is by his choice. He could go to a shelter and keep his truck. It all comes down to choices .. HIS choices. There are other options for him .. he just has to use them. He has the knowledge and the know how ... now he has to muster up the want to.
Do you want to know what a sure sign is that someone is truly ready for recovery?
A willingly-ness to do whatever it takes to get clean and I do mean WHATEVER.
Classic addict behavior=
If he is putting off till tomorrow what he needs to be doing for his recovery today then the real deal is that he is not at his rock bottom yet.
You know .. no matter what all of what is going on (meaning where he is staying right now) is NOT YOUR FAULT .. and I know you think it is .. because you threw the tantrum of all tantrums right? I encourage you to look deep into your heart and pull from it the images of the hell you had been living in, the strain and stress that you'd been living under .. this didn't happen over night and it won't fix itself overnight either. You were gonna blow eventually and he was gonna end up getting his arse kicked out of the house eventually anyway.
There is a bigger picture here .. I know you know that (and I say that with love) the truth is getting lost in the tangled, twisted and turned web of loving an addict .. and reality is slowly slipping away. The reality is you both need recovery.
The reality is you are a breath away from completely rescuing him. I know it and I feel it .. because just as much as I have been him when I was active in my drug addiction .. I have been you when I was struggling with my own recovery and issues of codependency. I know you .. because you are me at a different time in my life.
Recovery hurts but this is a healing pain .. pain for a reason, pain with a purpose.
Addiction hurts it does not heal .. there is no rhyme or reason and it has no purpose
May you choose your pain with wisdom.
I love you my friend,
Passion
Do you want to know what a sure sign is that someone is truly ready for recovery?
A willingly-ness to do whatever it takes to get clean and I do mean WHATEVER.
Classic addict behavior=
If he is putting off till tomorrow what he needs to be doing for his recovery today then the real deal is that he is not at his rock bottom yet.
You know .. no matter what all of what is going on (meaning where he is staying right now) is NOT YOUR FAULT .. and I know you think it is .. because you threw the tantrum of all tantrums right? I encourage you to look deep into your heart and pull from it the images of the hell you had been living in, the strain and stress that you'd been living under .. this didn't happen over night and it won't fix itself overnight either. You were gonna blow eventually and he was gonna end up getting his arse kicked out of the house eventually anyway.
There is a bigger picture here .. I know you know that (and I say that with love) the truth is getting lost in the tangled, twisted and turned web of loving an addict .. and reality is slowly slipping away. The reality is you both need recovery.
The reality is you are a breath away from completely rescuing him. I know it and I feel it .. because just as much as I have been him when I was active in my drug addiction .. I have been you when I was struggling with my own recovery and issues of codependency. I know you .. because you are me at a different time in my life.
Recovery hurts but this is a healing pain .. pain for a reason, pain with a purpose.
Addiction hurts it does not heal .. there is no rhyme or reason and it has no purpose
May you choose your pain with wisdom.
I love you my friend,
Passion
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Wilmington, NC
Posts: 932
I know you are all right. He was going to call "Kate" his mentor. I asked him what she would suggest and he said she would simply say, "get busy".
The weather is nice here, he call always drive onto the beach and pretend he is on vacation I guess. My guess is he will find a way and a place to rest his head tonight. I am trying very hard NOT to worry about it. He has been here before and as a counselor, I'm sure he has referred many a junkie to different agencies/flop-houses.
I think what he's struggling with is this: He didn't do anything wrong that night - I did. I'm the one that tried to scratch out everybody's eyes, I'm the one who threw things at him while he was holding my baby, that drove the car up and down the road so hard it should have blown up, that went to JAIL. The judge orders him out of the house cause I say, "but Judge, I'm the only one working and trying to pay the bills, why do I have to leave" and she (the judge says), "Mr. P, be out of the house by 11:00 a.m. tomorrow".
He doesn't understand why HE has lost everything to THIS incident. He was doing well, taking his meds as prescribed (I know that's not clean but the doctor's know more than I), but he was getting the urge to slip. He didn't go out and score dope until 2 weeks after he was ordered out of the house. I almost can't blame him given what he's been through. I have such an unfair advantage both legally (I work in the field and know everybody and financially - I have a job!).
It all really kinda sucks, he assumed he got the baby because he had her by default. The DSS report was againt Me and I was the safety issue, not him at that point until I told the social worker about his history last year and stint in detox. Have I totally twisted this thing around just to suit me?
I'm working on getting a psych evaluation for myself. Maybe I need some calm down pills. Maybe I just need hormone therapy. This does seem to happen to me RIGHT BEFORE "the curse".
Much love!!!
The weather is nice here, he call always drive onto the beach and pretend he is on vacation I guess. My guess is he will find a way and a place to rest his head tonight. I am trying very hard NOT to worry about it. He has been here before and as a counselor, I'm sure he has referred many a junkie to different agencies/flop-houses.
I think what he's struggling with is this: He didn't do anything wrong that night - I did. I'm the one that tried to scratch out everybody's eyes, I'm the one who threw things at him while he was holding my baby, that drove the car up and down the road so hard it should have blown up, that went to JAIL. The judge orders him out of the house cause I say, "but Judge, I'm the only one working and trying to pay the bills, why do I have to leave" and she (the judge says), "Mr. P, be out of the house by 11:00 a.m. tomorrow".
He doesn't understand why HE has lost everything to THIS incident. He was doing well, taking his meds as prescribed (I know that's not clean but the doctor's know more than I), but he was getting the urge to slip. He didn't go out and score dope until 2 weeks after he was ordered out of the house. I almost can't blame him given what he's been through. I have such an unfair advantage both legally (I work in the field and know everybody and financially - I have a job!).
It all really kinda sucks, he assumed he got the baby because he had her by default. The DSS report was againt Me and I was the safety issue, not him at that point until I told the social worker about his history last year and stint in detox. Have I totally twisted this thing around just to suit me?
I'm working on getting a psych evaluation for myself. Maybe I need some calm down pills. Maybe I just need hormone therapy. This does seem to happen to me RIGHT BEFORE "the curse".
Much love!!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Mrs. Magoo. You have so much going on. I really feel for you. But come on! Are you saying that your husband is capable of taking care of a baby?!!!! That this is your fault? The guy can't even get out of bed to dial for unemployment! He's detoxing (supposedly...) Thank GOD you have that baby.
I'm upset that he is laying guilt trips on you and that you feel bad about the situation HE has created for himself! Your husband is a big boy and needs to take care of himself. Sometimes when I feel overwhelmed with my situation - crack-addict xbf in prison calling all the time wanting to stay here when he gets out, single mom of a two year old, rotten job, not enough money, etc etc. - you know the drill. It really helps for me to focus only on things I can do right now - simple things like feed the baby, wash the dishes, fold the laundry etc etc.
I find that the world keeps turning, my addict keeps coming up with new problems that he wants me to solve for him, and my life goes on.
The best thing I learned on this website was to say "I'm sure you'll figure it out" every time he complains that he's homeless, jobless, familyless, has no where to go. Etc Etc.
I just smile, nod, empathize with him, and saying knowingly, "You are a smart guy. You'll figure it out". His past mistakes and current problems do not have to be my problems. I can live a blissful existance of folding laundry fixing dinner giving kids a bath... etc etc. I don't have to worry about anything - unless I choose too.
I hope your day is going ok. I hope you follow your gut, not his guilt trips.
I'm upset that he is laying guilt trips on you and that you feel bad about the situation HE has created for himself! Your husband is a big boy and needs to take care of himself. Sometimes when I feel overwhelmed with my situation - crack-addict xbf in prison calling all the time wanting to stay here when he gets out, single mom of a two year old, rotten job, not enough money, etc etc. - you know the drill. It really helps for me to focus only on things I can do right now - simple things like feed the baby, wash the dishes, fold the laundry etc etc.
I find that the world keeps turning, my addict keeps coming up with new problems that he wants me to solve for him, and my life goes on.
The best thing I learned on this website was to say "I'm sure you'll figure it out" every time he complains that he's homeless, jobless, familyless, has no where to go. Etc Etc.
I just smile, nod, empathize with him, and saying knowingly, "You are a smart guy. You'll figure it out". His past mistakes and current problems do not have to be my problems. I can live a blissful existance of folding laundry fixing dinner giving kids a bath... etc etc. I don't have to worry about anything - unless I choose too.
I hope your day is going ok. I hope you follow your gut, not his guilt trips.
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