outtolunch

When I became aware of my daughter's addiction, I made the decision not be shamed by it. Now I am not going ot take out an ad in the paper and announce it but I am not going to lie or cover it up.

Since then, entire family, close friends and some neighbors turned away. It floors me. Maybe I should have lied and covered it up as best as I could and hoped that no one could connect the dots.

The emotional well being of our culture seems tied to how well or not, our children do. If they do not do well, it's the parents fault. And horror of all horrors, if the kid becomes addicted- well that just goes to show you what rotten parents and poor upbringing the kid had. For people to get it, means they have to come to terms with not having control over the choices their teen and adult children make. And I do not think most people are ready to face this, until they have to.

So I am guessing I am not the only mom who has felt isolated.

best

and some will continue to hold in what they think is their fault and it will eat them up.
The best family in the riches part of town with the best schools..children can become addicts. The poorest family, living in a tent in the woods...their child could grow up to never touch a drug.
Addiction has no boundaries.

LauraK

Yeah, and try having a kid that's addicted AND in trouble with the law all the time...yikes. The neighbors don't ask much about him anymore, but danged if I don't bring it up when he's doing well...like at our annual New Years Eve party, how well he was doing at Teen Challenge. Fast forward to the SuperBowl party, the kid's AWOL from Teen Challenge...tsk tsk tsk...and yeah, they dont say alot, but you can about guess what they are thinking, with their kids all in college and getting ready for their lives. Maybe I'm just bitter LOL....but it IS hard, and I feel your pain.

Ann

Oh boy can I relate to your feelings on this. It's sort of like telling people you have cancer...they don't know what to say and are glad it's not them and from that time on they are not sure how to relate to you...whether it is to be "spoken" of or just left unsaid.

I am careful who I share with and how much. Most of my friends and family know that my son is lost in his addiction somewhere, most know that I have been to hell and back trying to save him, and they know I am in a better place of serenity today...they just don't know all the "details". Some wonder how long I "have to do meetings and work on my recovery" perhaps thinking that I "should" reach a point where I am cured and don't understand that my recovery has given me a life worth living and is a program that I work personally every day and from which I receive wonderful "gifts". Most see a change in me, for the good, and admire that although they don't understand it at all.

I have learned that "earth people" (that's what I call those untouched by addiction) will never "get it" even if I explained it for days...and I pray that they never have to find out first hand what it is like to be us.

The most important thing I have learned from all this is that it's okay that they don't understand. What's important is that I understand and that I live my life as the best person I can be, warts and all, and that those who truly love me will stick by me and those who don't were never worth trying to enlighten anyway.

I don't accept blame or shame for any of this, it's just life and the hand I was dealt. In turn I don't blame or shame those who are addicted but instead feel compassion for the personal hell they are in and pray that one day they can find a better path.

"What others think of me is none of my business" is a phrase often used in recovery and I have learned that it's true, every word. I cannot control the thoughts or actions of others, but I can be true to myself and stand for my values, even if I stand alone. My life is between me and God, and the rest is nobody's business.

Hope this helps a little and I hope that by being here you know you will never walk alone again.

Hugs

sleepygoat

I have been fortunate that all of my friends are recoverying addicts like me, and many already have their own teenage and adult addict kids (like me), so I get an astonishing amount of support.

So far, at work, most who I tell are at least outwardly supportive (ask about my AD once in a while) and a few are very supportive. the rest say nothing.

This may sound hard, but maybe you need to re-evaluate your friends and get some new ones - from some church basements
where the name of the group meeting there ends in 'anon'.

As for family, unfortunately we can't choose them. Fortunately, we can limit our contact with those we don't choose to talk to much.

But, hey, you do have all of us here!

Lynette57

When my daughter was on the brink of death from OC one year ago, I decided to let the people in my life and those who love her know what was going on.

I at the least thought there prayers and love would be some positive energy.
Me being the major codie had always run to these peoples rescue and been supportive in every crisis and good time they had had.

I have 6 siblings. I now have reltionships with 2. My best friend since 1st grade littleraly vaporized.

It was alot to handle emotionally considering the battle in front of me.

One year later my daughter is alive, taking subox, working and discovering her life again.

At first she said mom don't tell anyone it's embarrasing.
I told her that secrets and shame could kill you.

So I suppose those who ran are weak, don't like unpleasant stuff.
Now that things are calming down, they are slowly ccoming around.

I will no longer be the codie for them.

Kind of like the story of the little red hen.

I am not even angry, just realizing how much of my time I have wasted being there for everyone but my daughter and myself.

And this board has been a life saver.

When people ask me how she is doing, I say she is alive and we have another day and that means a chance. Her addiction has taught me alot about myself, and how to live in the moment, not worrying about other people's problems.

Lobo

Wow, this really hits a nerve. I do have good friends and family that are supportive. I pick and choose who I share with. What hurts the most is my own son. I have 2 sons and my younger one is not supportive at all. He doesn't want to hear anything and doesn't help me when it comes to her at all. He has completely turned his back on the whole thing. If I even bring up the slightest thing he tellls me not to rain on his parade.
His way of dealing with it is not dealing with it. I don't have a husband so I thought my boys would be there for me when I needed them. Son #1 is more supportive. My RAD tells me to leave them out of it because it just causes more family issues. So as a result of this I suffer in silence because some things I feel I just can't share with family and close friends. When I feel this way I at least have SR which has been a godsend.

I do feel that people that really know me, know that I was a very good parent and always did was right for my children. If anyone judges me otherwise then they just don't know me very well. That is why I think it is smart to be choosy who you share your life stories with. I know that even when you do that you can be disappointed but I guess that comes with having an addicted child. No one will ever really understand until they have walked in our shoes. I have learned not to say much anymore whether it be good or bad.

At least we understand each other and we do not have to justify our parenting skills to each other. It is what it is and we are doing the best that we can with what we have been given.

Much love...........Lo

outtolunch

So I am not alone.

Thanks for all the encouraging words. The analogies with stage 4 Cancer are incredible.

My daughter is coming home next week, after 16.5 weeks in rehab. I am as anxious as can be. Upon hearing this news, a friend (?) asked if I had gotten my monies worth out of rehab- did they cure her- cause she hears it's all a rip-off.

The 3 C mantra falls upon deaf ears until it's your child, brother, sister, husband, wife, sig. other.

cece1960

My friends and family were and continue to be pretty supportive.
There was a time that I thought I was losing a good friendship, but in reality I think it was me that was causing the problems. Prior to finding SR, I would really obsess over my kids addiction, followed by frequent bouts of isolation.

Now, I think I'm grounded enough in my own thoughts that I don't need to bounce as much off of them, don't need approaval etc.

This seems to have leveled the playing field quite well.

(((Hugs)))

Chino

We live 600 miles away from most close family members and only one cousin of mine knows about our daughter. She's a very compassionate person so I knew she'd be full of support. Both of our mothers are senior citizens and we figured what they don't know won't hurt them.

My mom, though, is a drug and alcohol case manager still working full time. She's the last person to tell because she's always had a tendency to lecture. She was a former teacher, go figure lol! For my peace of mind I remain silent. She's savvy enough to know something's up but she doesn't ask. If she asks or I find the need to tell her, I'll be honest.

One of my husbands sisters is a LCSW whose specialty is substance abuse. I think it would be a good idea if he told her so he has someone to talk to besides me (when he does talk which isn't very often), but it has to be his choice.

We've told a few friends and all have been supportive. We discovered a few of them had their own stories. All of them understand its a disease and for that we're blessed. But we have casual friends we'll never say a word about it. Since we don't discuss private health issues with them it's a non-issue.

Damn I sure can ramble.

sleepygoat mentioned finding new friends and it reminded me of something my therapist said a couple of weeks ago. I told him how most of my daughters friends have abandoned her, even when she became sober. He said they're afraid or were crappy to begin with. That's why NA and AA are so important to those in recovery.

Spiritual Seeker

I find that most folks I talk to about addiction have someone in their family that is affected as well. It has been a life-boat finding other parents with addicted grown children to share my circumstances with. Those that have walked in our shoes understand. Before I was in this situation, I wouldn't have had the compassion for addicts and their families. I have a sense of who I can share with that will be meaningful and non-judgemental. I read once, that "what other people think of me is none of my business" The few friends that I have had for many years who have the "perfect children" and couldn't possibly understand, I don't discuss my heartache and my son's life with them.

rahsue

In the beginning I was ashamed at everything the addiction had to offer.
The better I get in my recovery the more I don't give a crap what people think but I will school anyone who will listen on the fine art of dealing with addiction.
I still, at times, get the oh poor me attitude but it's usually when I'm tired and stressed.
It goes away pretty quick.

peaceteach

And yet it is such a growing crisis in our country, I believe. I wish that there were some way to truly get this reality into the entire public's mindset. I would think that the more people were aware of the progression and destruction of addiction, the better it could be. People (myself included) are so naive and susceptible to enabling, which then takes two for the one. I know it's okay to keep quiet to protect ourselves from judgment and rejection by others, but my nobler self wants to speak outloud to as many who will listen that THIS life could be anyone's, anytime. I want to warn as many kids, while they are still innocent and drug free and listening and filled with promise.

rahsue

I have heard pros and cons on the celebrity rehab show, but I do think it's a step in the right direction. It seems whenever a celebrity gets involved in something, people sit up and take notice. The show needs to elaborate on the behavior or I should say misbehavior of an addict and how it is the drugs and alcohol that make them act so different than the way they normally would. But all in all I think the show is good for the addiction schooling process.

marle

As far as educating the public, I feel that if you are not touched by addiction why would you want to learn about such a devastating disease. That would be like trying to teach me about the horrors of diabetes or some other disease that has not touched my life. Right now it is not on my radar so why do I want to make it part of my life. As far as friends and family knowing about my daughter, I share when people ask. Before I would go into detail, now I don't. I have found, too, that most everyone has someone they know with a problem. I don't share the gory details anymore because I realize that there is so much more to life than what my daughter is doing. I have a life now too and I would rather share the good things, the things that pertain to me. Hugs, Marle

BayAreaPhoenix

My chime in; When you need support with your child and the addiction issue(s), you have your support system, so you can go there. Otherwise, IMO, there is no need to "spread the word", so to speak. I think it's good to be open about it, if someone has questions - not judging, but honest questions. It seems like people react in ways that are their own issues - maybe they were that person in their family when they were young and no one knows it and they carry "shame", or maybe they have that now in one or more of their own children or extended family and no one really knows and they're uncomfortable or embarrassed, or a hundred other scenarios that have nothing to do with you. I am learning this too. People's reaction to me, when it is negative or not understanding, usually comes from them and has nothing to do with me!

I'm learning that my life is nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. While I don't have to tell everyone I meet about my Mom or my AH, etc. I don't hide my life either. If asked, or I have something pertinent to add to a conversation, I do. Learning when and how to share is important, because there are others who I can give strength to by being open and honest! And they in turn can give strength to someone else when the time comes...

outtolunch

I really like how you put this. Thank you.