I want to help him. but i dont know how??
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 3
I want to help him. but i dont know how??
im new and this whole thing is going to sound really contridicting and really sparatic but here i go...
now i know first hand that when someone has an addiction they can only get help if they truely want it.
i started using heroine when i was fifteen years old and i quit when was seventeen and i have been sober for two years. i had many other addictions on top of that but heroine was my choice of drug.
i've known my boyfriend now for about 5 years but we never started dating up until about 2 months ago. in the past we had done drugs together. and he got into it pretty deep. slamming heroine and cocaine. well he served some jail time for about 5 months and is now on drug court.
he was sober for about 2 months after he got out of jail. and was around some 'old' friends and they were getting high so he decided he was going to do it. he never tries to hide it from me because im like a hawk and can see if he is high from a mile away. and i have been in a past relationship where i was in the same postition only he was in his prime of being an addict. at least this boyfriend is coming down, or so i believe....
well about 2 weeks ago i came home from work and he had overdosed on GHB the hospitol had to put him on life support and it was a really scary situation.
anyway now he is doing stupid things like taking subboxin and trying to get a high so he can get around drug court....
i can tell he is getting to the point where he doesnt really know what life is about but he knows that life isnt about a high. i know he is just really confused. because all he has known since his mom died is just to get high to get rid of the pain.
he has no support from his family. i know they love him its just they have been through this with him for so long that they dont really know what to do with him now. the first thing his dad said to him after he came outta the hospital is "you shouldnt even be here... you shoulda died."
he has no money he has seasonal work, he still is living at home.
so i guess my questions are:
-how do i go about this?
-is there anything i can say to help him?
I mean when i was an addict and i wouldnt have quit if it wasnt for my mothers support and love.
i dont want to leave him i already gave up on my last boyfriend.
if i have anymore questions i can think of i will definetly post more. but for now im just stuck.
-thank you.
now i know first hand that when someone has an addiction they can only get help if they truely want it.
i started using heroine when i was fifteen years old and i quit when was seventeen and i have been sober for two years. i had many other addictions on top of that but heroine was my choice of drug.
i've known my boyfriend now for about 5 years but we never started dating up until about 2 months ago. in the past we had done drugs together. and he got into it pretty deep. slamming heroine and cocaine. well he served some jail time for about 5 months and is now on drug court.
he was sober for about 2 months after he got out of jail. and was around some 'old' friends and they were getting high so he decided he was going to do it. he never tries to hide it from me because im like a hawk and can see if he is high from a mile away. and i have been in a past relationship where i was in the same postition only he was in his prime of being an addict. at least this boyfriend is coming down, or so i believe....
well about 2 weeks ago i came home from work and he had overdosed on GHB the hospitol had to put him on life support and it was a really scary situation.
anyway now he is doing stupid things like taking subboxin and trying to get a high so he can get around drug court....
i can tell he is getting to the point where he doesnt really know what life is about but he knows that life isnt about a high. i know he is just really confused. because all he has known since his mom died is just to get high to get rid of the pain.
he has no support from his family. i know they love him its just they have been through this with him for so long that they dont really know what to do with him now. the first thing his dad said to him after he came outta the hospital is "you shouldnt even be here... you shoulda died."
he has no money he has seasonal work, he still is living at home.
so i guess my questions are:
-how do i go about this?
-is there anything i can say to help him?
I mean when i was an addict and i wouldnt have quit if it wasnt for my mothers support and love.
i dont want to leave him i already gave up on my last boyfriend.
if i have anymore questions i can think of i will definetly post more. but for now im just stuck.
-thank you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: San Jose, CA
Posts: 266
Just be there for him. Do you know if he grieved for his mother? It sounds like he needs to learn how to deal with his mother death. There is grieving consulers or groups that deal with death, maybe you check things out like that.
But otherwise you are not going to be able to help him unless he wants it. Just be there for him, just be careful with your own soberity.
My thougnts are with you.
But otherwise you are not going to be able to help him unless he wants it. Just be there for him, just be careful with your own soberity.
My thougnts are with you.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Hi, welcome. Love and support are wonderful things, but they do not mean you must "do" things to "help" It's about being, not doing. You know he has to find his own way and unfortunately all the little helpful things sometimes create situations where we cushion them; shield them form their bottoms. Being the eagle eye and checking on him, following, etc. may just make him more clever.
His family may be there for him more than you believe...Not doing being soemthing...making him find it himself. His dad's comment may be his way of trying to send him a message...hey wake up, you almost died, does that matter. It doesn't necessarily mean they do not love him nor that they won't support, through encouragement and love, once he finds the way towards wanting sobriety.
I'm sorry you are both going through this, and that his family is too, but I hope you can step back and focus on yourself and maintaining your sobriety and taking care of your own needs, so you are strong and healthy when he is ready for support in his recovery. Hugs
His family may be there for him more than you believe...Not doing being soemthing...making him find it himself. His dad's comment may be his way of trying to send him a message...hey wake up, you almost died, does that matter. It doesn't necessarily mean they do not love him nor that they won't support, through encouragement and love, once he finds the way towards wanting sobriety.
I'm sorry you are both going through this, and that his family is too, but I hope you can step back and focus on yourself and maintaining your sobriety and taking care of your own needs, so you are strong and healthy when he is ready for support in his recovery. Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 3
thank you both very much.
greeteachday- i know his family does love him they have a different way of showing it i guess. can you kind of clear up what 'being' means im not reallly sure if i understand that...
wooforever- actually i dont really think he had much time to grieve for his mother. he is in intensive out patient treatment right now im not sure if they go through feelings like that but going to a grieving counselor might actually be a good idea. and it might be a good idea for me to go as well since i lost my father when i was very young. maybe go in together but see counselors seperate.
thank you both so far....
if i could get some more opinions i would greatly appreciate it. if someone has any questions for me i would love to help out the best i can.
greeteachday- i know his family does love him they have a different way of showing it i guess. can you kind of clear up what 'being' means im not reallly sure if i understand that...
wooforever- actually i dont really think he had much time to grieve for his mother. he is in intensive out patient treatment right now im not sure if they go through feelings like that but going to a grieving counselor might actually be a good idea. and it might be a good idea for me to go as well since i lost my father when i was very young. maybe go in together but see counselors seperate.
thank you both so far....
if i could get some more opinions i would greatly appreciate it. if someone has any questions for me i would love to help out the best i can.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by greeteachday 
His family may be there for him more than you believe...
Survivor
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 149
Hi,
First congratulations on your clean time....I would like to approach your question a little differently.......what are you doing for you and have you looked deep inside to try to find why you continue to hook up with addicts.....I would think that for your own continued recovery you would need to find the answer to this question....
Said with love
First congratulations on your clean time....I would like to approach your question a little differently.......what are you doing for you and have you looked deep inside to try to find why you continue to hook up with addicts.....I would think that for your own continued recovery you would need to find the answer to this question....
Said with love
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Jbay,
Welcome to SR. Keep coming around and reading the posts, especially the posts at the top of the main page, the "stickies". There is really good info there.
I know for me it was really hard to have clarity about what was and wasn't mine to handle regarding my AD. When I acted with my heart, I always "helped", well, THOUGHT I was helping, but I really wasn't. I was trying to save my daughter when she, like you said, was the only one who could help herself.
Two things that helped me: reading and posting on this board and face to face Al Anon meetings. Maybe you could find a meeting (or Nar Anon...I have none of those in my area, thus I attend Al Anon) and attend some. I do know face to face support with dealing with addiction has saved my life.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
Welcome to SR. Keep coming around and reading the posts, especially the posts at the top of the main page, the "stickies". There is really good info there.
I know for me it was really hard to have clarity about what was and wasn't mine to handle regarding my AD. When I acted with my heart, I always "helped", well, THOUGHT I was helping, but I really wasn't. I was trying to save my daughter when she, like you said, was the only one who could help herself.
Two things that helped me: reading and posting on this board and face to face Al Anon meetings. Maybe you could find a meeting (or Nar Anon...I have none of those in my area, thus I attend Al Anon) and attend some. I do know face to face support with dealing with addiction has saved my life.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Hi and welcome to the board. You may not like what I am going to say but...
In my honest opinion, and you may think this is harsh, the only thing and the best thing that you can do for your bf is to tell him that you will not be a part of his life if he continues to use drugs. End of story. Tell him he needs to grow up and get some help before he kills himself and that you love him too much to watch him do that or be a part of it.
And then follow through on the consequences. I know it's hard and it may not work out in your favor. He may choose drugs over your relationship. It happens all the time. That's why they are called addicts.
Unfortunately you can't help him. He has to want his own recovery and he has to work his own recovery. He is going to do what he wants to do no matter what anyone tells him. Until the consequences of using makes him more miserable than the consequences of not using, he will not quit.
Please focus on yourself and being the best most successful person you can be, no matter what happens with your boyfriend.
You didn't cause it. You can't control it. You can't cure it.
Good luck and God bless.
In my honest opinion, and you may think this is harsh, the only thing and the best thing that you can do for your bf is to tell him that you will not be a part of his life if he continues to use drugs. End of story. Tell him he needs to grow up and get some help before he kills himself and that you love him too much to watch him do that or be a part of it.
And then follow through on the consequences. I know it's hard and it may not work out in your favor. He may choose drugs over your relationship. It happens all the time. That's why they are called addicts.
Unfortunately you can't help him. He has to want his own recovery and he has to work his own recovery. He is going to do what he wants to do no matter what anyone tells him. Until the consequences of using makes him more miserable than the consequences of not using, he will not quit.
Please focus on yourself and being the best most successful person you can be, no matter what happens with your boyfriend.
You didn't cause it. You can't control it. You can't cure it.
Good luck and God bless.
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