Head games

Old 02-20-2008, 07:14 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: on top of the hill
Posts: 197
Head games

My ah was here tonight, last time I saw him was 3 weeks ago when he told me he would be right back with money for my mortgage. We have a lot to iron out, I told him ( finally ) I want to divorce.
Then he gets into the "poor me" head games...how the breakup was all my fault, (he's been living with agf for 4 years) and when he tried to come back, nothing ever changed. He has no money, etc, etc.
After all this time he still has so much power to hurt me, I just can't seem to let go. I feel guilty every time I see him, yet he's the addict, he's the one who spent ALL of the money we had, he's the one who left, and has not made any attempt whatsoever to contact his grown kids.
I'm so tired of feeling guilty, and I need some advice to help me put all of the happy years in a special place in my heart, and let the worst years go. I'm going to need strength to get through this, and to harden my heart and not feel sorry for him. It's not easy to start over at age 54, but I have to, and need to make a lot of changes.
Sorry for the ramble, I guess I need to see it in black and white to try to make sense of it all.
mjpaao is offline  
Old 02-20-2008, 07:21 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Impurrfect's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((((Hugs))))

I don't have any great words of advice, but I'm sure others will soon. I just know it's a part of the grief process....sadness, anger, fear, and a lot of other things. We have to work through all those feelings, hard as that may be.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
Impurrfect is offline  
Old 02-20-2008, 07:45 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
greeteachday's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
It sure sounds like you know what you have to do, just having some trouble getting there. Any chance of some meetings or maybe some talks with a good counselor (probably someone who understands addiction and codependency)?

Why do you think you feel guilty? As you have said, you are not the one in active addiction; you did not leave and move in with someone else; you did not alienate yourself from your children; you have stuck to your end of the bargain and then some. You have loved your husband unconditionally and now you have a right to move to a new place in your journey. Do you feel somehow if you were different, better, more worthy that he would not have left and chosen drugs over you? I hope not, dear one because you are so worthy of more than this and you deserve only happiness in your life.

I hope you can visualize letting him go, releasing him to a power greater than us and taking the good memories of your marriage and storing them in a lovely chest to take out and examine every once in awhile.

Wish I had something inspiring to say, but I don't. Just adding more hugs and lots of prayers.
greeteachday is offline  
Old 02-21-2008, 03:31 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
peaceteach's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
I used to talk to myself in the mirror and say "You are NEVER going to live like that again." In the house, in the car, wherever I could find a mirror! Once I made a list of reminders, where each sentence started with "He WILL ....." like remember, "he will threaten you", any bad thing he had ever done that scared or hurt me. This reminded me of what I never wanted to experience again in life and didn't have to. I also resisted urges to call him when I was having an anxiety moment. By the next morning the moment was gone and I was so glad I'd resisted. Now if I have one of those moments, it passes within minutes! It's been a few years since my divorce, but it IS a lot easier now.
peaceteach is offline  
Old 02-21-2008, 07:26 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
'Round and 'Round I Go....
 
Cupicake's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 478
Getting a divorce was one of the most difficult things I have ever done especially when I still loved him...it would've been easier if I hated him.
I can tell you what has worked consistently for me...aside from reading and writing posts in SR and communicating with the good friends I have made here...
Everytime he opens his mouth and tries to make me feel what he wants me to feel....I say to myself in my mind "WHAT ABOUT ME!?" Why is it always about them?..."WHAT ABOUT ME!?"
For me..it wasn't about hardening my heart...that would've just given me suppressed anger. I was taking steps toward believing that I deserve better and I deserve to have a voice and I deserve a life without having to feel guilty about decisions I've made to make my life better...."WHAT ABOUT ME!?" Slowly but surely this voice in your head gets stronger than anything your ah or exah can verbally fling at you. Slowly but surely that inside voice turns into an outside voice and believe me...it makes a big impact.
Cupicake is offline  
Old 02-21-2008, 08:39 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: San Jose, CA
Posts: 266
I agree divorce was the hardest thing to do. I never wanted to divorce my AD but when my friends told me it was not because I did not love him anymore it was because I loved myself more.
My AD also was living with someone else, I was alway so pissed at how he could of treated me that way, but how could he treat the kids that way. I am kind of still angry with him for that, he still does not know what to say to them. I have been divorced for 5 years now. It does get easier.

Just keep reminding yourself that you deserve better and that you are worth more. YOu have to start thinking what is best for you. The guilt will take awhile to get deal with.

But you only can change yourself no one else.
wooforever is offline  
Old 02-21-2008, 03:36 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: on top of the hill
Posts: 197
Thank you, dear friends, for your kind words. I know this is going to be so difficult for all of us. I agree, it's time to think of myself. I was a mom at age 17, I guess I haven't had much practice doing that! Living alone has really been a huge adjustment. I still am uncomfortable. Hopefully things will get better, I fear the divorce will take a long time, there are many things to resolve.
I am so fortunate to live near my children and their families, I'm sure we'll all stick together and do the best we can.
mjpaao is offline  
Old 02-21-2008, 04:39 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
outonalimb's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
((((((((mjp))))))))

I'm so sorry that you are going thru this.
Divorcing my ex was the toughest decision ever.
It became a matter of self-preservation for me.
I was slipping into a deep, dark pit due to the financial and legal implications of his behavior.
Even though I knew it had to be done, I didn't want to do it.
I felt like a failure and so guilty. My feelings didn't make sense given everything I had gone thru...but it was also very empowering to take control of my life and my future back.

Be really kind to yourself and lean on your family and friends right now (including us here at SR)

You're in my thoughts and prayers tonight, my friend.
outonalimb is offline  
Old 02-22-2008, 09:43 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
outtolunch's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by mjpaao View Post
Then he gets into the "poor me" head games...how the breakup was all my fault, .
His choices determined the break up.

That he does not get it, is his problem. That he may never get it, is his problem too.

Please take this monkey off your back and put it where it belongs- with him and let it go. Letting go of the monkey is your source of power.

( I am so not a codie when it comes to men and yet stuggle with the same issues with my AD- no different than you)
outtolunch is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 05:37 AM.