BigSis

So I AM a double winner, but I don't remember ever worrying about the phenomenon of 'craving' booze. Perhaps because when I "craved" it, I called it something else. I called it "looking for excitement"... wanting to "party"... wanting "noise and laughter" and wanting to "hook up with a hottie". And since I quit without a program - I didn't recognize the similarity between MY drinking and alcoholism. It took me years to admit out loud that I am an alcoholic.

Looking back, I can see that what I wanted was something.... something to dull the sharp edges... something to numb the feelings... something...something...something. I just didn't NAME it.


When looking at our programs, I can draw analogies between Alcoholism and Alanonism in almost every way -

The compulsive behavior -

... seeking drugs/alcohol
... seeking the alcoholic/ or his hiding spot for drugs


The obsessive thinking -

... can't stop thinking about drugs/how to score/when/who...
... can't stop thinking about the addict/what is he doing/who is he with

Lieing

... they lie about drugs
... we lie about them


"ISM" - I... Self .... Me

...They are self centered and self-involved
... We get so THEM centered in order to take ALL attention off our problems


But until now, I've not drawn much of an analogy to the actual craving.... until I thought about the FEELING it gave me to feel cravings ...booze, drugs, food.

Wanting release and comfort. Seeking numbing. Anticipation of the soothing.

You know what? I get those same feelings when I FUTURE TRIP!

When I imagine that wonderful day when my addict is clean and sober. When I can stop worrying about him/her. When I win the lottery and don't need to worry about money. When the house is paid for and I can quit work.

I can even get that feeling if I allow myself to daydream about being hospitalized.... so that I can "let go" of the worries and allow someone else to clean up the messes. When I no longer need to be responsible. It is also what drove me to consider getting off the planet - same sort of mind game.



Anticipation of release. Seeking the lack of pain. Searching for something to numb my awareness.


How many times have I been told to stay in today? Program talks about it ALL the time. And now I can see the connection .... Future Tripping is MY way to express craving.




Damn. It was like a light popping on.


Is it just me? Anyone else feel the same?

Ann

It makes a lot of sense to me, BigSis. Even though I am not an alcoholic (I probably drink a bottle of wine over the period of a year), there was a time when I would purposely drink too much to try to drown out the pain...until I recognized what I was doing and where that would lead.

But I know that although I could put the brakes on drinking, I could not do the same for my codependency. It took meetings, and support and lots of work before I could "change" my thoughts, actions and behaviour enough to head down a better path.

I don't miss the adrenaline rushes today, in fact I am careful when I feel one coming on because it's not a good thing for me. And although I have never been pulled over for "Codie driving" there were times when I was so lost in my obsession and fear that I know I was not aware of the road at all.

Hmmm, your comparision has me thinking, and grateful today for where I am.

Hugs

best

Where you put it out so clearly...I see it for what it is in my life.

The foreplay before the drama of placing myself on the pitty pottie.
Like a couple who will have a fight just so they can have great makeup sex.
I know I have self worth. My self-esteem is higher then it ever has been but still from time to time I can find myself looking for a seat on the pitty pottie.
Old habits die hard.
Solution... Stop going back to my selfish side. Seek out to help others.
Do something nice for ...me. Not in a selfish way but because I am one of those others I should seek out to help.

brb,,, going to get some icecream


That worked. Now I just need remember... icecream every once in a while only *LOL*

lightseeker

Amen sister.....it's all a whole lot more alike than it is different. I definitely see the correlation and know exactly what you are talking about. This double winner stuff has been an interesting ride. I definitely can see (and feel) both sides of the street. I understand why people use and I understand why we don't want them too.....the feelings and behaviors are extremely similar. One thing that I've noticed....anytime that I want a snapshot of myself and my disease - I take a look at who I am surrounded by and what they are or are not doing. I think that until I acknowledged how sick I am that there was nothing that was ever going to change. The focus had always been on my addicts.....it was just all smoke and mirrors to take the heat off of what I need to do to be healthy and take care of myself. We make another person "our God" and they make a substance their God. We want what we can not have and tear ourselves inside out and up to get what we believe in our minds as possible. Until I began to accept situations, I always believed that I could do something to affect the outcome....so much like an active addict does...they always think that they can find a solution. Personally, I have found that this side of my disease is a whole lot more difficult to control than the other...at least that is concrete....if I reach for a bottle I know what will happen. My crafty, wiley EGO confuses everything and it is a much more cunning disease for me.

Love this post - Donna

caileesnana

We talked about trying to avoid pain last night at my meeting. Amazing to read this in the morning! Great points! Thanks

CatsPajamas

Sis,

This is SUCH a good analogy! I still have to stop myself occasionally when I get a 'craving' to go and FIX someone else. It's my nature to want to jump immediately from Awareness to Action if I am sitting with some uncomfortable feelings. I skip right over that other "A" - Acceptance. My tendency is to reach out and get all tangled up in someone else's stuff so I can fix THEM instead of working on my own stuff. It is similar to how other people numb themselves with a substance: I numb myself by focusing on someone else so I don't have to look at myself.

This is a great thread. I have to go to work but I'll be thinking about this today!

Hugs
Cats

BayAreaPhoenix

Perfect reminder this morning for me! Thanks so much. In fact, I had just written to a friend and said to her I need to get a smack. For some reason this morning I was focusing that he hadn't left for work, how was he going to make money, did that mean he did his "meds" since he wasn't up yet? I thought if I got the words out and down I could let it go, because I needed to get up, I needed to get ready for work, I need to go to work, etc. It was helpful to write it out, but I was still doing some spinning, and this just brought the focus in. Today is a "work" day for me on this and this will be great to keep coming back to to help myself. Thanks so much!