jerect

I was talking to my AH today, asking again for the hundredth time why he started using again. He told me that he didn't like to be sober. I asked him what he meant by that and he said it was the nature of the disease.. that maybe I would understand once we got into therapy and I attended a few meetings with him. He told me that people woulden't get high or use if they enjoyed being sober. In a way I understand what he is saying and in a way I dont.. I then asked him what he was running from or what was eating him up so bad inside that he has to use drugs to hide from his problems.. he just looked at me kind of funny like he was going to say something but he never did.. Anyone have any thoughts on this.

Grrr. I don't know why I'm even letting this run through my mind. I guess I'm trying to understand the mind of an addict.. but the only thing I'm accomplishing is driving myself crazy. I know no amount of understanding is going to make this go away. He reassures me that he wants help.. God I want to believe him. Because it's like I told him, I can't make you go to meetings, I can't make you sober and this addiction is eaither going to destroy our marriage or make it stronger and it's all in your hands...

ANGELINA243

Fear is the underlying cause of many addictions. For me, trying to get sober was scary because I didn't know what to expect. There is something "familiar" in doing what we have been accustomed to doing. For me--I had the fear of change>fear of the unknown. Which is kind of strange because I also drank/used because of fear>not wanting to face my fears--wanting to hide/run/escape from them--even just for a "little while". Sometimes I just wanted to become numb. When I got some clean time--I started to have emotions/feelings again--like happiness/joy, which kind of scared me because I wasn't used to feeling those feelings. I got used to doom & gloom. It was all I knew once drugs/alcohol grabbed a hold of me. I looked happy/fun on the outside, but on the inside I was dying. I was living a lie.

peaceteach

My exalcoholic husband says that it's hard to maintain sobriety because there is just NO escape, ever. I asked him "escape from what?" and he said "from himself."

marle

My daughter has told me that she likes that numb, sleepy feeling. Also that she has done so many bad things..... Hugs, Marle

hello-kitty

I think you are letting this run through your mind because you want to help him. You think that if you could just understand, maybe there would be away you could help him.

You can't.

He doesn't want to get sober. He said so himself. So when he tells you that he wants help, he's most likely telling you that to keep you in the relationship. He doesn't really want help. Help is available. But he's not willing to take it. He wants to get high. He doesn't like being sober.

Addicts don't understand their disease any better than non-addicts do. They just want to get high more than they want to get sober. It's that simple. And they are not going to quit using until life gets so bad that the balance changes and they want to get sober more than they want to get high.

You can't make him be the clean and sober man you want him to be. As painful as it is, he is an active addict. Accept that that is who he is and that is what he does.

I think it's good that you are putting your relationship in God's hands. Please put your husband in God's hands as well, and take care of yourself.

jerect

Yep i'm seeing that too just by the way he handles other responsiblities in his life.. Maybe therapy will help.. BUt it's ultimatly up to him

lightseeker

that is me too anvil.....to a tee. I miss the heck out of drinking and the drugs that I took. However, I am not willing to pay the price anymore of doing them. I understand why people do drugs and then get caught by it with addiction. It's been hard work for me to find alternative methods to dealing with life on life's terms rather than drinking or numbing.

I think that either you understand it or you don't. A lot of times I drank just because I wanted something different.....I wanted a "chill pill" or a calgon moment or not to think about anything or or or.........it's not always because there is something "bad" eating you. It's just an easy break from the world.

Talk with addicts is cheap. Lots of them say that they want help. The bottom line is they have to want help themselves and DO something about it besides talk. The pain of using has to be greater than the pain of not using.

Donna

Chino

Thank you for starting this topic! I read it a few moments before my daughter told me I'd never understand her addiction. In the past when she made statements like that I'd ask her to try to explain it. I remembered your words and told her I don't need or have to understand it, it belongs to her.

justanothrdrunk

After years and years of drug/alcohol abuse, my body's natural state was high. It was unnatural for me to be sober. And when I was sober, it felt wrong. It took me a while to feel normal when sober again. Before that, I didn't like being sober either.

chloe78

When I ask my AH "WHY" all I hear is "I don't know". I never get an answer and I don't understand ANYTHING about his drug abuse... why? doesn't he love me? his family? himself? why can't he stop? why so many lies? where is his self-respect? I don't think I will ever understand but this post is helping a bit. Thanks everyone for some insight that I don't get here at home.

katyk

I'm trying to feel okay with not understanding, because I never will. He would never choose this life for himself: a failing marriage, health problems, fights, money problems, job problems, conflict with his mother... it makes no sense. The only way I can get my head around it is viewing his drug abuse as an irrational, horrible disease.

bluebelle

Have you read the stickies at the top of the page? If you look under "Let me fail," you'll find "I am an addict." It is very helpful to me. I end up re-reading it at least once a day. I have watched many people destroy themselves with drugs. It is impossible to understand. It is tragic. Addicts get to the point where all they care about is the drug. It becomes the most important thing to them. It isn't your fault. There is nothing you can do about it. As I've seen repeated on here--you can't control it, you can't cure it, and you didn't cause it. Repeat that over and over to yourself!!!

Chino

If anyone has ever attended the family sessions during detox or rehab, they've probably seen the medical information. The best analogy I can come up with is that it's like a browser highjack on your computer. Sometimes you can manually go in and remove malware, but most times you end up wiping the hard drive and reinstalling your operating system.

That's what their brains are like, they've been hijacked. It causes their brain waves and receptors to malfunction, just like a hard drive and processor. After a browser highjack or two, most people learn to quit surfing to bad sites or use a more secure browser. Those people are the recreational users. Others, the addicts, keep going back to the same sites and keep getting highjacked. Co-dependents are the people that try to ignore a highjack and suffer all the installed programs that slow down or lock up their PC's.

It is a disease, just like my dad's diabetes and heart disease before he died. I read a study the other day that said most heart disease patients don't change their diets after an event. Well, neither do most diabetics. They cheat every now and then and adjust their insulin.

The only difference between other diseases and addiction is the illegal aspect of it.

I gave up trying to control my dad's bad habits after I saw him pretend ignorance in the hospital with yet another dietitian. That is how I gave up trying to control my AD.... I just remembered my dad.

jerect

I think I have come to the point that I'm going to quit trying to understand. It's hard to do that when you love someone.

My AH is a prisoner of these drugs, what a horrible way to live your life but it's his life and not mine.. My goodness it has taken me a long time to come to the truth of that statement.

I have been listioning to Wayne Dyer's the Power of Intention on Audio CD, he talks about letting go and letting God and all the worrying in the world is not going to change the situation or the person. It would be nice if we could worry for an hour or too about our addicted loved ones and that would make everything all better but it only makes it worse. So here on out I'm going to do what he suggests and be in a state of gratitude and allow God to manage things in my life.

cinderellawkids

for my husband its boredom, he lived the gangster type lifestyle so long he's uncomfortable with just being