mejiaerin

I just joined this site because i feel like i really need some advice, and i love knowing other people understand what I'm going through.My mom is bipolar and in the past years has had alot of problems.She became addicted to cocaine this past year and has got herself into a lot of trouble,Including prison. she recently bailed herself out and she called me today all messed up on drugs.It took alot of prying but she admitted to it, the worst part is she was asking for money.Everyone in my family has completly alienated her and i wanted to be there for her.It breaks my heart and i just want to help but it hurts so bad!!should i cut her out of my life too??How do you deal with this??

Ann

Welcome to SoberRecovery, mejiaerin, you've come to a good place where people understand.

Take a read around, read our stories and read the "sticky" posts at the top of this forum, and you'll see that all the love in the world can't save our addicts, if it could not one of us would be here. Only they can save themselves and they usually won't try until the pain of using becomes greater than the fear of staying clean.

I'm sorry for your mother and her addiction. And yes, sadly, the call for money is a call for drugs no matter what they say they need the money for.

If you want to be there for her, be prepared to set some boundaries. Boundaries are like rules for yourself, not for her, about what you will and will not tolerate. Once set, stick to them (that's the hard part). I have two important boundaries and they cover just about any situation...1. I don't do for someone what they could and should be doing for themselves. .. and 2. I insist that all conversations remain respectful. The moment words get heated or sarcastic, the conversation is over, even if I have to hang up or walk out of the room. I show respect for others and they must show respect for me if they want any relationship at all.

It's going to be hard to stay connected to her. She will try everything she can to push your guilt button to get what she wants. And she may not listen when you suggest she get help. My thoughts are to give her a list of meetings, detox's and rehabs in your area (the Salvation Army rehabs are free and very good, if cost is a factor) so she knows where to go when she is ready.

My son has been missing for 3 years, and what helps me is to say a prayer each morning and give him to God's care, then live my life as God intended, happy and free. I'll add your mom to my prayers today and you too. The one thing that is bigger than addiction is God.

Again, welcome and I'm glad you joined us.

Hugs

JT

It does hurt...it hurts a lot. Don't think that doing what she wants you to do is going to make that hurt go away. And neither is "cutting her out" like other family members have done. You love her...you love who you wish was...and it is going to hurt, plain and simple.

Ann is right...doing for her those things that she can do for herself is not helping...it is prolonging. You can say "no" with love.

I have found that I will have to say "no" eventually. I will have to say "you have to find somewhere else to live" eventually. I will have to say "no more money" eventually. It's never easy, but it will have to be said eventually....when you are ready.

Hugs!

Summerteeth

hi mej,

I am in a similar situation - my dad became a cocaine/xanax addict in the past two years. It's the hardest thing I've ever been through. My alcoholic sister was a breeze compared to this, as insane as that sounds.

I am still working on accepting that there is nothing I can do for him, except be there when he decides he wants help. I know, that doesn't sound like an option - but it is.

Remember - giving her money is not helping her, it's allowing her to continue to use. Definitely check out the stickies up top - "Detachment" is what I struggle with most, but what is so necessary for recovery.