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tough love sucks

Old 02-13-2008, 06:25 PM
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tough love sucks

so my AH relapsed yesterday

he texted today and said he was ok still alive, then calls again a little later to tell me the same things as before
he doesnt know why he used, he feels like hell etc

I tell him I love him and I only want him to be okay and I suggest that he call his NA friends or go to a crisis unit or a meeting he replies he only wants to sleep

I telll him that its his choice but my concern for him is that he will sit there feeling sorry about his actions and if he doesnt take a positive step forward that he will end up feeling worse and he'll goback for more drugs
he says no hes gonna sleep

calls again a little while ago telling me hes cold and filthy and asks if hes "allowed" to come come shower and get clean warm clothes

I say its quarter till 8 you can make your meeting if you go now, he tells me he has no gas

and that if I let him come home shower and get warm clothes hes going to leave the truck and walk after he makes calls to his NA friends

I just sit there and he says so can I or not, and again I say what about your meeting you can see them in person at the meeting and he says no I'm filthy

and I say well of course you are --they know that you just drug yourself out of a crackhouse they expect you to be filthy

he hung up on me, I called back and said did you hang up? he said YES I'm done with this ...............then he waits for me to respond
and I tell him why do you want to make this worse for me, you really expect me to say yes come shower and change then walk off and let me worry if your walking away for the last time if your going to be okay or not
dont you think this is hard enough for me

and he says in a real nasty angry tone fine I wont come there I'll be just fine dont worry about it and hangs up again

I hate this I hate addiction and what it makes them become I hate the fear and the worry but I refuse to help him kill himself any longer I cannot do it

I want him to be warm and safe and clean but you know what he climbed out of a clean warm bed yesterday and left our home to go spend the night in a crack house with no power he didnt care if he was clean then he didnt care if he had warm clothes then but yet he cares today and cares more about getting a shower and clean warm clothes than he does calling people who can help him get back on track.........

He wants me to feel bad for his choices he KNOWS I love him and this is killing me and he is trying to use that to his advantage

So I put the phone down and called his sister cried my eyes out and she said YOUR doing the right thing, I want him to be warm too
but your doing the right thing...............so here I am
trying to remember I'm doing the right thing...............

thanks for listening sorry its so long
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Old 02-13-2008, 06:44 PM
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Oh sweetie....yes you are doing the right thing. It's so frickin hard, I do know. I didn't, wouldn't, couldn't get clean until I chose to. I didn't choose to until EVERY door shut in my face!!!! Hang tough Lies.....I'm with you in prayer and thought. Call anytime like I said last night if you need to or just want to...I mean that. BIG HUGS TO YOU!
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Old 02-13-2008, 06:45 PM
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Focus on the *love*, not the *tough*.

Rather had an angry addict, than a dead one, imo.
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Old 02-13-2008, 07:01 PM
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Yup you are doing the best thing for both of you. One thing that I have found with my daughter is that conversation about her using, getting help, etc. is basically a lost cause. When I talk about it, it is more for my benefit than hers. She knows because she is living it. Same with him. He knows what he should do, he knows that he is hurting himself and you. Right now he is coming down and probably craving more and is not ready to hear the message. Taking care of you and letting him deal with his stuff is the right thing right now. Hugs, Marle
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Old 02-13-2008, 07:17 PM
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Originally Posted by liesagain View Post

I want him to be warm and safe and clean ..................so here I am
trying to remember I'm doing the right thing...............
They call it tough love because it hurts but I think they also call it tough love because it takes tough love to break through the wall of addiction.
Giving him what he needs vs giving him what he wants...

Don't sit there trying to remember if you are doing right...
Sit there knowing you are.
If he wants solutions bad enough that he will walk into a meeting dirty and needing clean clothes... he will walk out of that meeting with more recovery found in that one hour then he could gather up from 10 meetings.

You held your boundary and in doing so, your space is at more peace then it would be if you didn't and he just may be one step closer to wanting to seek his solutions for himself.

You are doing so right.
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Old 02-13-2008, 08:19 PM
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Here to remind you, yes i believe you are doing the "right" thing.
If it helps at all- I was "nice"- he got the shower and warm clothes and a safe place to sleep and rebuild. I was so afraid that something would happen to him. It did the one night binges went to 2,3,4- maybe even longer- or non-stop. Lies my ex.. has lost everything and everyone. I sometimes feel a lot of guilt for my part- being "nice." In his case, "nice" did not turn out well.
Take care
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Old 02-13-2008, 08:41 PM
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(((((Lies)))))))
So hard but so right...Sending lots of prayers for strength and comfort.
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Old 02-13-2008, 08:53 PM
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There's not much I can add except my prayers...

your post brought tears to my eyes...
it is so very hard to watch someone you love suffer and addicts truly are suffering...

please know that I said a prayer for your husband that he may find his way back to recovery and that you may find peace and serenity
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Old 02-13-2008, 08:53 PM
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(((((liesagain))))) you are doing the right thing.
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Old 02-13-2008, 09:20 PM
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thanks everyone

Well my son came home from work and called me as he was pulling in the drive and said ......MOM do you know that hes here? His truck is in front by the road and hes in it
then he says what do I do? I said get out and come in its fine,
so I walk past my son out side and AH gets out of his truck and is standing in the road barefoot
and I say why are you here you had no gas...he said I dont its empty can I please have some socks and some tissue to blow my nose?

I only had one second guys ..............I said ya know what YOU come in and shower and get some clothes, he followed me in I went to the closet and pulled out a bag and started packing him some clothes, he come out of the bathroom and says I cant carry that........so I said no but I will follow you to the gas station, get the rest of your bathroom stuff, heres a weeks worth of your medicine ( antidepressant)
I handed him a soda from the fridge and a couple packs of cigs grabbed my purse and walked out the door.

He followed I went to the station told the girl 10 dollars please grabbed a sandwich and chips and drink..................walked out to his truck and said here...............do you know what this is?

He just looked at me and I said this is the last thing I will do for you I hope you choose to do the right thing with it. I love you ..........and turned to walk away

then noticed the garbarge in the truck .........and kinda lost my temper said this makes me sick and why why do you have to lie................
whatever and left

I want to do the right thing and honestly that trip to the gas station did wonders for me, Right now I am not sad I am just sick to my stomach with the thoughts of what he is CHOOSING to do and wasting his life

but I'm done I can no longer help him and frankly right now I dont KNOW who that man was......filthy nasty and no regard for the lows he sinking to................

I will pray that he makes it out of this alive but starting now I have to let him go............hes got to be in my HPs hands theres nothing left for me to give and theres nothing left for me to do but pray he finds the man that I knew
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Old 02-13-2008, 09:23 PM
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giving you support, you are doing the right thing. stay strong!
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Old 02-13-2008, 09:35 PM
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((((lies))))

I know this is hard on you, but you are doing SO MUCH the right thing! He will get help if he wants it. You, in the meantime, only need to focus on you and your son. It's okay to say "enough is enough". I had to reach that point with both my addiction to drugs AND my relationship with my now XABF before I began to move forward.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 02-13-2008, 10:31 PM
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((((hugs)))) and lots of support to you during this hard time. Be good to yourself.
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Old 02-14-2008, 06:59 AM
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Sending prayers and lots of hugs my dear friend.
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Old 02-14-2008, 07:55 AM
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(((((lies)))))

Hang in there sweetie..
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Old 02-14-2008, 08:37 AM
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Wow!....What a tough thing you had to go through but you pulled yourself through. Pats on your back for that. They say...nothing changes if nothing changes. Whether your actions have any impact on him is up to him but I know this will make a difference in your life. I used be caught in the same predicament. It's definitely a tough place to be. You truly are doing the right thing all around.
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Old 02-14-2008, 12:03 PM
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Thanks for sharing. Reading your story made me feel better and stronger about the tough choices that I am having to make as well. I feel the same pain. It's good to know I'm not alone.

Tough love sucks. But it's better than no love at all.
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Old 02-14-2008, 03:05 PM
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(((Lies)))
It is so hard to let go of our addict, but I was told that another way to think of it is loving the addict with detachment, don't think of it as tough love. I find it easier to think of it as loving with detachment. My heart goes out to you but you are doing the right thing. Stay strong, your recovery is working.
HUGS AND PRAYERS from another mom who loves with detachment
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Old 02-14-2008, 08:47 PM
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thank you everyone............

Its been a rollercoaster day but believe it or not I feel great, I really truely do

I am standing strong and my fear is getting better
I have spoken to him many times today
heard I'm hungry I'm cold I'm going to do this and that and I cant do this...............and everytime I said
ok its your decision, or NO
or I'm sure you'll work it out
sometimes gave opinions but not to much tried really hard not to.........

and this am I was even feeling like he may be back out there using and I talked to myself, a good hard long talk about whats his choice and whats mine and I think we ( me and myself ) have finally got this whole detach with love.............yes we have
I feel less angry less sad more hopeful and even encouraged ABOUT ME!
when I thought maybe hed already gone back out I decided that if he had, then maybe thats what he needed to do....and so be it
and as for him killing himself >>>>>>>>>>>>>I have decided that he really is in gods hands and that he wont be able to succeed no matter how he tries..............UNLESS the HP is done and says OK enough chances come home...............but until that time I ccant keep him alive and he cant take his life only my HP makes that decision and right now I will have faith that that is not the plan..............

thank you everyone keep those prayers coming I feel it I really do!!!
LOVE you alll and am so grateful to have everyone one of you
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Old 02-14-2008, 09:38 PM
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Thanks for sharing your strength Lies...You are all in my thoughts and prayers.
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