*Tuff* Situation
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 5
*Tuff* Situation
Hi everyone. I'm a newbie here, and I'm so glad I found this website.. exactly when I needed it today. I feel a little lost, and a little confused. I hope you all don't mind offering a new friend some support and some advice. I know you all hear these stories and situations all the time, yet we all feel ours is a little different. Well, here's mine...
My fiance and I started dating 5 years ago. We got engaged 3 months after meeting. He was the sweetest guy I'd ever met. I was young though. I was 19 and he was 30. He looked soo much younger though! Needless to say, the lies started from day one-he was/is so good at it. First about his age, then career, and on and on. After I started falling for him, he told me the truth, but I said, what the heck, he's still a cool guy.
Well after about a year I found out that he was in recovery for crack addiction about a year before we met. As far as I knew he was sober. Then one day, I let him drop me off at work and let him use my car. In the morning when I get off of work, I'm waiting on him to pick me. 10 mins, 30 mins, and hour goes by. He never shows. I finally call a cab to go to my moms job to use her car. I get home, listen to my voicemail, and it's him. Crying about how he got jacked for my car. I actually believe him, well kind of, until I go and pick him up to file a police report and he smells like alcohol.
Well to make a long story short, he sold my car for crack. Or rented it out, im not sure. Either way, I never got it back. We break up for about 2 months, then get back together. He goes into rehab for two years. Lives there and everything, and is doing good. He moves out and is doing great. Good job, nice place. We're cool. Until he asks me for 30 bucks and says hes gonna pay me back, which he always does.
Well to make a long story short, he went out and used last night. I feel like a fool for staying with him sometimes. I mean, I took him back after he sold my car for drugs! When is it ever going to end?? He goes to meetings like once a week, with a recovering friend, and has a sponser. I asked him why didn't he call his sponser when he felt like he wanted to use, and he cried and said, "you just dont understand addiction."
There's a 12 year age difference. If we do get married, Im gonna be the breadwinner since he pays a lot of child support. In a way I feel like he's holding me back and I deserve more. I mean Im young, about to graduate college, no kids, and am looking forward to my future. But I love him, and I know he loves me. He's such a sweet guy. Does anything for me, everyone loves him. He's respectful, kind, funny. I mean he still sends me cards in the mail every week. I have 100+ cards from him. But sometimes I feel like I have to be the "man" in the relationship, or like his mom. Like I baby him or spoil him too much.
He was with his ex for 10 years b4 me, and they have a daughter together. I wonder if she just got fed up one day and left. But I feel like he won't make it without me, and if we break up, he'll spiral down hill. I feel like he needs me. Am I thinking too much of myself? I have so many questions. Please, can anyone relate to me? Any advice?
My fiance and I started dating 5 years ago. We got engaged 3 months after meeting. He was the sweetest guy I'd ever met. I was young though. I was 19 and he was 30. He looked soo much younger though! Needless to say, the lies started from day one-he was/is so good at it. First about his age, then career, and on and on. After I started falling for him, he told me the truth, but I said, what the heck, he's still a cool guy.
Well after about a year I found out that he was in recovery for crack addiction about a year before we met. As far as I knew he was sober. Then one day, I let him drop me off at work and let him use my car. In the morning when I get off of work, I'm waiting on him to pick me. 10 mins, 30 mins, and hour goes by. He never shows. I finally call a cab to go to my moms job to use her car. I get home, listen to my voicemail, and it's him. Crying about how he got jacked for my car. I actually believe him, well kind of, until I go and pick him up to file a police report and he smells like alcohol.
Well to make a long story short, he sold my car for crack. Or rented it out, im not sure. Either way, I never got it back. We break up for about 2 months, then get back together. He goes into rehab for two years. Lives there and everything, and is doing good. He moves out and is doing great. Good job, nice place. We're cool. Until he asks me for 30 bucks and says hes gonna pay me back, which he always does.
Well to make a long story short, he went out and used last night. I feel like a fool for staying with him sometimes. I mean, I took him back after he sold my car for drugs! When is it ever going to end?? He goes to meetings like once a week, with a recovering friend, and has a sponser. I asked him why didn't he call his sponser when he felt like he wanted to use, and he cried and said, "you just dont understand addiction."
There's a 12 year age difference. If we do get married, Im gonna be the breadwinner since he pays a lot of child support. In a way I feel like he's holding me back and I deserve more. I mean Im young, about to graduate college, no kids, and am looking forward to my future. But I love him, and I know he loves me. He's such a sweet guy. Does anything for me, everyone loves him. He's respectful, kind, funny. I mean he still sends me cards in the mail every week. I have 100+ cards from him. But sometimes I feel like I have to be the "man" in the relationship, or like his mom. Like I baby him or spoil him too much.
He was with his ex for 10 years b4 me, and they have a daughter together. I wonder if she just got fed up one day and left. But I feel like he won't make it without me, and if we break up, he'll spiral down hill. I feel like he needs me. Am I thinking too much of myself? I have so many questions. Please, can anyone relate to me? Any advice?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
Oh Butterfly - keep reading. With or without you he's either going to make it or not. He is not your responsibility! You are young, you have a whole life ahead of you. If he's going to be "recovering" let him go and do that and maybe then - in the meantime, give yourself the chance you're willing to give him! Keep reading - really, read more posts and more will be along with words of wisdom! You can't save him from himself! Good luck to you!
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Wouldn't an equal partner be nice. Just to reflect back your own thougths-
This does not sound like a healthy relationship, Just read your own post:
"I have to be the "man" in the relationship, or his mom. I baby & spoil him. "
"I feel like he won't make it without me"
Have you read about codependency?
Can you picture what a healthy relationship would be. To be able to depend on someone.
You are right to have lots of questions here.
This does not sound like a healthy relationship, Just read your own post:
"I have to be the "man" in the relationship, or his mom. I baby & spoil him. "
"I feel like he won't make it without me"
Have you read about codependency?
Can you picture what a healthy relationship would be. To be able to depend on someone.
You are right to have lots of questions here.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
If we do get married, I'm gonna be the breadwinner since he pays a lot of child support. In a way I feel like he's holding me back and I deserve more. I mean Im young, about to graduate college, no kids, and am looking forward to my future.
Not only would you be the breadwinner, but any money you might want to save for a house or vacation would just go to drugs. Sad, but that's how it works.
He says kind words and sends you cards, but what is he really bringing into this relationship? As an active drug user he is incapable of bringing any kind of security, sincerity or real love.
We don't usually tell people whether to stay or go here, it is truly up to the individual, but honey if you were my daughter I'd tell you to run for the hills.
Regardless of what you choose, please know that we're walking with you.
Welcome to SR.
Hugs
remember to breathe
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: philadelphia pa
Posts: 1,280
SAVE YOURSELF, RUN VERY FAST IN THE OTHER DIRECTION.
Sometimes, especially when we're young, our routine becomes an absolute way of life.
That's what he has become for you, just your routine. Once you begin your new life you'll look back and smack yourself in the back of the head for not seeing it sooner.
good luck with your new future
Sometimes, especially when we're young, our routine becomes an absolute way of life.
That's what he has become for you, just your routine. Once you begin your new life you'll look back and smack yourself in the back of the head for not seeing it sooner.
good luck with your new future
Survivor
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 149
Am I thinking too much of myself?
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
Originally Posted by butterfly08
I wonder if she just got fed up one day and left.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Welcome to a most remarkable place. Like you, I just joined after reading my own story a hunderd different ways.
The relationships that survive the long haul, are adult to adult.
None of us have control over what someone else does. We are not responsible for the behaviors of the people we love.
Addicts are the world's best manipulators. It's their job description and they work it 24/7. Addicts need someone to enable their addiction.
Are you sure that having a 32 year old child dependent upon you, is in anyone's best interest?
I wonder the outcome if for the next 100 days, you went out and bought a card a day and mailed it to yourself to remind your self that you deserve an adult to adult relationship and will accept nothing less, cause you are worth it.
The relationships that survive the long haul, are adult to adult.
None of us have control over what someone else does. We are not responsible for the behaviors of the people we love.
Addicts are the world's best manipulators. It's their job description and they work it 24/7. Addicts need someone to enable their addiction.
Are you sure that having a 32 year old child dependent upon you, is in anyone's best interest?
I wonder the outcome if for the next 100 days, you went out and bought a card a day and mailed it to yourself to remind your self that you deserve an adult to adult relationship and will accept nothing less, cause you are worth it.
'Round and 'Round I Go....
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 478
I don't know where or when but some time during our years of growing up we must have been trained to focus on the positive and to go beyond caretaking into codependency. I think that is why we have a hard time embracing what is negative in a way where we learn from it and know when something isn't right instead of doubting what we know to be true.
My ex husband was the addict in my life. Life with an addict is not easy especially when they are active in using.
Looks to me your bf was not ready from the moment he met you. He was already lying from the very beginning...that is not a sign of recovery. People in general lie but addicts lie in ways and for things that are beyond the realm of "normal" lying (if there is such a thing as normal lying).
He sold your car for drugs. Would you have been as accepting and forgiving of this if it had been a stranger? Because that is what he will become in active use....a stranger. You will not recognize him to be the man you loved. He will do things to you that you never would've thought you would have ever accepted from another human being...no less..your boyfriend.
I understand what it is to love an addict. I loved my ex husband...still do and still keep in contact but let me tell you...the three and 1/2 years I spent thinking was to my detriment because I let myself go....I neglected myself. He became the focus. I became the mother, counselor, warden, guard, breadwinner, excuse maker,.....etc. I was never meant to be all of those things. To him I am only supposed to be a wife and being a wife does not entail all of the above duties. Somewhere, sometime I had lost all perspective of that because I was so enthralled in the life of my addict husband. We all think that they would spiral down hill without us...why wouldn't we?....we hold so much responsibility for them that if we just let it all go we think things will come tumbling down like an avalanche. But just like we learn to survive without them...believe me...they learn to survive without us.
I thought my ex was going to drag himself to the depths of he** and die from using after I divorced him. He did drag himself to the depths of he** but he crawled back out and found recovery and sobriety. Whether he sticks with it is his responsibility. You have to let them suffer their own consequences and take away any netting you provide for them.
You make the decision that is right and comfortable for you. But if you ask my opinion....you're here to gain perspective of what it's like...life with an active addict...you had a taste of it...it does not get better. Give yourself a chance to not learn it the hard way. Trust your instincts and know that you are right for trusting them.
My ex husband was the addict in my life. Life with an addict is not easy especially when they are active in using.
Looks to me your bf was not ready from the moment he met you. He was already lying from the very beginning...that is not a sign of recovery. People in general lie but addicts lie in ways and for things that are beyond the realm of "normal" lying (if there is such a thing as normal lying).
He sold your car for drugs. Would you have been as accepting and forgiving of this if it had been a stranger? Because that is what he will become in active use....a stranger. You will not recognize him to be the man you loved. He will do things to you that you never would've thought you would have ever accepted from another human being...no less..your boyfriend.
I understand what it is to love an addict. I loved my ex husband...still do and still keep in contact but let me tell you...the three and 1/2 years I spent thinking
But I feel like he won't make it without me, and if we break up, he'll spiral down hill. I feel like he needs me.
I thought my ex was going to drag himself to the depths of he** and die from using after I divorced him. He did drag himself to the depths of he** but he crawled back out and found recovery and sobriety. Whether he sticks with it is his responsibility. You have to let them suffer their own consequences and take away any netting you provide for them.
You make the decision that is right and comfortable for you. But if you ask my opinion....you're here to gain perspective of what it's like...life with an active addict...you had a taste of it...it does not get better. Give yourself a chance to not learn it the hard way. Trust your instincts and know that you are right for trusting them.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 5
Thank all of you so much for your words of experience, and support. I hear what everyone is saying, and it makes so much sense. It really has me thinking. Yesterday when this happened, I felt like I had nowhere to turn. I'm embarrassed to tell my family, even though they know our past. I just feel ashamed. Afterall, I've been planning our wedding for this year.
But as I type this I think about the timing. Maybe this is God's way of giving me a way out right before I planned on moving in with him, and right before our planned wedding. Maybe that is why I had a miscarriage a year ago. When I asked God three years ago to give me a sign if this was meant to be - He sold my car. Just coincidences? hmmm.
He left me a message this morning. Apologizing for lying, but not for using. He wants us to sit down and talk about it. Talk about what? I thought we talked about it before, and he still chose to use. He made that decision on his own. The sad part is, if I did choose to stay, I would not be happy. I would be choosing his happiness over my own.
When he sold my car, my father told me something that sticks in my head till this day. "Never let your sympathy outweigh your interest." And that has been the case. I've been with him because I feel "sorry" for him. Like I can "help" him. And I know that that's not right.
One day I overheard his conversation with a friend. He said that he had a history of using women. Maybe he has been using me this whole time.
But as I type this I think about the timing. Maybe this is God's way of giving me a way out right before I planned on moving in with him, and right before our planned wedding. Maybe that is why I had a miscarriage a year ago. When I asked God three years ago to give me a sign if this was meant to be - He sold my car. Just coincidences? hmmm.
He left me a message this morning. Apologizing for lying, but not for using. He wants us to sit down and talk about it. Talk about what? I thought we talked about it before, and he still chose to use. He made that decision on his own. The sad part is, if I did choose to stay, I would not be happy. I would be choosing his happiness over my own.
When he sold my car, my father told me something that sticks in my head till this day. "Never let your sympathy outweigh your interest." And that has been the case. I've been with him because I feel "sorry" for him. Like I can "help" him. And I know that that's not right.
One day I overheard his conversation with a friend. He said that he had a history of using women. Maybe he has been using me this whole time.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in my own world~
Posts: 1,237
I agree with everyone here hon. Trust your instints and get on with your life. My son is the sddict in our life. He has done rehab and hopefully on the right path but as far as dating I would be the first one to tell a girl to stay away from him for a solid year. And then I'm not so sure........drug addiction is so terrifying to me. Someone would have to really prove to me that they would NEVER again touch anything. Big hugs and listen to your dad~~ Bonnie
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 40
Oh Butterfly, I am in noway one to give advise, I let my ABF step all over me. I can how ever tell you what my heart knows I should do: You need to love yourself more than him right now. If you don`t protect yourself from him, the pain and misery your life takes on will be much greater than what you feel right now. The sooner you begin to love and protect yourself from this disease the better.
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
Originally Posted by butterfly08 
In a way I feel like he's holding me back and I deserve more. I mean Im young, about to graduate college, no kids, and am looking forward to my future.
Please get to an Alanon meeting, and start focusing on YOU.
No matter if you stay or go, it will not change what he does. You have NO control over another, you only have control over you.
Hugs to you, sweetie,
'Round and 'Round I Go....
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 478
***Remember***
You can not fix him or his addiction...
No matter what you do...you can not help him through this...no matter how much you think you can.
I thought if I loved my husband enough...helped him with everything...did everything for him...made life easy for him so he doesn't have added pressure...stuck by him...
None of that worked. It's not about all of that. If anything, he got worse. It's about him helping himself.
I wish this was easy...I know it's not especially when you've come this far emotionally in this relationship but it is really important to think about what is best for you and your future.
They also know how to give enough and say enough to get us to stay. Master manipulators.
You can not fix him or his addiction...
No matter what you do...you can not help him through this...no matter how much you think you can.
I thought if I loved my husband enough...helped him with everything...did everything for him...made life easy for him so he doesn't have added pressure...stuck by him...
None of that worked. It's not about all of that. If anything, he got worse. It's about him helping himself.
I wish this was easy...I know it's not especially when you've come this far emotionally in this relationship but it is really important to think about what is best for you and your future.
They also know how to give enough and say enough to get us to stay. Master manipulators.
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