Recovering rageaholics please step forward

Old 02-11-2008, 01:51 PM
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Recovering rageaholics please step forward

One of the books Ive been reading and dysfunctional family patterns touches on family memebers that are not alcoholics or addicts but still equally dysfunctional as rage-aholics.

I thought aboiut this a long time follwong my families back wherein the grandparents on both sides do not have substance abuse problems, but you know what there was still lots of issues.

My maternal grandfather everyone was afraid of he can definately be defined as a rageaholic, and on the paternal side my perfectionist cold busines like grandfather came from to parents who raged about everything.

Im not an alcoholic and am definately codependant but even scarier my codependency has brought me to my knees with fits of rage, when I felt uneasy anxious, or just plan unhappy with me.

Today I consider myself recovering and use the alanon steps and traditions to help with all of the above.

Has anyone else experienced ragaholism....
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Old 02-11-2008, 01:55 PM
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Oh yeah! I never experienced frustration and rage like my AH could bring out in me. I was amazed when it would come out, because never in my life had I reacted that way before. Now I know why - my side of things, and the fact that I was dealing with an A - of which I had no idea. Feeling the rage come down several several notches with understanding myself and the world around me has helped enormously! Hoping that I never see those rages again! Reading DMPA below, reminds me that on his end of things - these "bursts" of anger - rages - have come and gone. Not lasting too long, but reactions definitely out of proportion to what was going on at the moment. I never thought about the rages from him too. They scared me in their intensity! I knew something was weird, just didn't know what at the time - now I know.

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Old 02-11-2008, 02:01 PM
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my boyfriend "raged" when he was on cocaine... it would come out of nowhere and stop as fast as it came on. the first time it happened, we were in the car on our way for an out of town weekend and i was so scared. and when it was over...he got quiet..then just acted like it never happened. I was probably as confused as i was afraid... that was when i KNEW something was not right. (I didn't know he was doing cocaine, just thought he drank too much beer..surprise, surprise)
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Old 02-11-2008, 04:46 PM
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Frozen chicken? That brought back a "fond" memory.
Way back when this started- I felt "rage"- I wanted smash something... I looked around the kitchen for something I wouldn't mind losing.. Then my mind processed the fact that whatever I broke would be gone but the mess would be left for ME to pick up.. I wanted to run.. but I had babies at home.. Icecubes!! I grabbed the container of ice- went into the back yard and through them at trees!!!! They smashed into pieces and it felt wonderful!! The grass got watered!!

Sadly- the stage of icecubes and cleaning the house- disappeared! The home became a mess and so did I!!
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Old 02-11-2008, 07:41 PM
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My ex H was a rage-aholic. I learned that it went along with his (also untreated) bi polar symptoms.... he would go from very happy and energetic to briefly calm, then to slightly angry, totally P*ST and then the rage. It was not fun to live with.

I admire anyone who can learn to control and manage that level of anger.

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Old 02-15-2008, 11:23 PM
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Oh, Cinder. Sometimes rageaholism is just normal, ordinary people reacting to abnormal, anything-but-ordinary stress. Who knows what the impetus for your grandparents' rage was! What we do know is that the behavior is learned and the family disease creates a cycle that repeats itself again and again. Usually rage comes from a person feeling that their life is totally out of control and the only way to get a handle on it again is to bite down HARD. Rage is usually the outward manifestation of terror.

You are such a beautiful person, Cinder. I have exchanged thoughts and ideas with you for many months and I have met you in person and been inspired by your heart and your strength and your fortitude!

Your rage will gradually ebb when your pain lessens. When your fear lessens. When you no longer have to be terrified by living on the very edge of catastrophe. You have dealt with all the responsibility for your life and your kids for SOOOOO long that you have come to believe that you should be able to do all you do and still think like Pollyanna.

You are human, Cinder. When being afraid that your kids will go hungry is no longer a problem, I bet rage will no longer be a problem either....


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Old 02-16-2008, 12:13 AM
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Oh Rage yes I know it all too well.... When my Fiance and I moved in together he was in that my friends will always come first mode. Everytime we would get in a fight he would threaten to move out. One night I looked around the apartment and realized EVERYTHING was mine except the crock pot. So as he was walking down the stairs moving out I told him not to forget his crockpot and I threw it down the stairs at him. Never thinking in a million years did I think it would hit him right smack in the back of the head. Oh I have never seen him that mad in 5yrs now. He didnt hit me or anything but I was afraid. After that he never threatened to move out again. After all where was he going with his crockpot. He mad me a crazy woman.

Yes I'm sure the crock pot would have made a lovely couch, or bed, or end table. That was when I knew enough was enough. I couldnt live like that nor would I. The person who shot the crock pot was a person I didnt like. I learned to let things go, hey u wanna leave, GO get out but your not making me the crazy one in the process.
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Old 02-16-2008, 04:49 AM
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Hi! My name is Colleen, and I am a recovering rageaholic......
(Hello Colleen)

I grew up in a large Irish Catholic family. My parents were actually born in Ireland, and moved to Chicago when they were 17 and 22 years old.... My father (God rest his soul) was an alcoholic and a rageaholic... Nobody talked in my family, everyone just yelled. We did not have conversations, we had arguments. Whoever screamed the loudest, won.

I know my parents did the best that they could, given their upbringing. Nobody taught them how to handle their anger, So, needless to say, I was never taught how to properly show my anger... something so simple as not being able to find my other shoe would set me off...

Fast forward 15 years.... I became a widow at 33 years old, with 3 kids....
Wow, was I a scarey mom..... Just dealing with the fustrations of doing it all alone was enough to make me constantly crazy. Looking back on this I am very sad about it, and have talked to my now-grown children about this. I hope they understand I did the best that I could....

Fast forward another 15 years.... I am now married to a man who was taught how to properly show his anger. He has helped me and has shown me that anger is OK, everybody gets angry. But, normal angry people don't throw things. I have learned to talk through my anger, be rational, and say what you mean, don't just be mean..... My kids have commented that they really like this gentler, kinder Colleen.

So Cinder, there is recovery for us.

Now, when I can't find my other shoe.... I just go shopping for another pair of shoes....
OK that vice is for another thread.....

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Old 02-16-2008, 10:08 AM
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hey cinder - i know exactly what you mean. not sure i ever threw frozen chickens but definately plenty of other things. ah's really good at pushing the right buttons to get me to fly off the handle. of course after the fact i feel worse than before and it obviously doesn't help anything. in fact, i never knew i was a capable of being so mad and frustrated until i met ah. no one in my family growing up ever acted out in rage. i'm still working on this one though.
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Old 02-16-2008, 03:28 PM
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My rageaholic days were related to PTSD. Before PTSD, I was a freeze or flight kind of person but afterwards became a fighter. Every time I encountered something threatening or the potential for it, my adrenaline would overproduce. When that happened, not having a physical outlet for it, I would rage away, yelling and screaming, sometimes throwing things.

Eventually I went into therapy and took up martial arts at the same time. Both were a wonderful release and I earned my black belt. I learned that whatever angers you controls you. I also re-visited meditation as I had practiced it as a teenager.

It took years to get here, but it's pretty much second nature now to stop and reassess whatever negatively gets my adrenaline going. It's only a second or two but time feels like it's drastically slowed down. In reality it's my heart rate and blood pressure that has slowed down.
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