Help!! Brainwashed in Rehab
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: nyack, NY
Posts: 26
Help!! Brainwashed in Rehab
I finally got my ABF on a plane to Canada off to long-term rehab. I had spoken with the director numerous times before sending him here. He assured me there was counseling for the family and loved ones-one of their listed goals!! And to keep calling. After a month in rehab I get a call from my ABF he won't be able to talk to me until he gets out- he went in Oct. 13. So okay he has to work on himself and get well while I work on myself. Well it's Feb 10 and he'll be leaving soon to a half way house so I figure I'll try to call the rehab and see how it's going. Well his direct counselor told me my boyfriend is a junkie, liar and damaged goods and I should have nothing to do with him. He said he was the one who told my ABF not to call me. He said I should throw out his things and just get over him. Now mind you I already know why he went to rehab but I don't think a counselor should be so unprofessional to say these things. We lived together for a while and I think my ABRF should at least call me to break things off and take responsibility for things. The counselor said this was the best thing his ex ever did for him when he was using. So basically I'm talking to an exaddict whose taking his own experience and using it on others. Sorry but if he knew anything he would know that each addicts situation is different. I am not a drinker or druguser neither did I go into this relationship while my ABF was using. Don't I have any right to speak to my loved one after all this time?? I hope he gets unbrainwashed when he leaves and calls me. This is killing me and I've been going to meetings for a while. If you want to break things off at least just talk to me. It's the least someone can do after 3 years together. And most of them good!!! Thanks for listening!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Wilmington, NC
Posts: 932
That is an unbelievable story!!! If YOU are willing to stick with him through this and he is too, it should be your decision. I think he's crossed the line. Can you get in touch with the director or something. Hopefully he will call you. Hopefully he ABF hasn't been told the same thing, only in reverse, i.e, you called and said blah, blah, blah!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: nyack, NY
Posts: 26
I did call the director and he completely cut me off and contradicted what the counselor said, saying we never tell loved ones what to do with their relationships!! It's like talking to crazy people!! I'm glad he's 4 months sober but very sorry I sent him here!! And he's in another country!! Thanks Mrs Magoo!!
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Right here somewhere
Posts: 509
I have found from my personal experience that rehabs albeit are GREAT for the user, absolutely do not give a snot about families.
Their primary purpose it to help the patient focus on themselves and learn a sober way to live. And no matter if you use or not, we family members are sick ourselves, and we do affect them if we are not recovering well ourselves. They usually want the patient to stay as far away from psycho codies (like me) so they can get on their feet emotionally.
That being said, if the guy did say all you said he did....he should get his arse whooped by his boss.
Their primary purpose it to help the patient focus on themselves and learn a sober way to live. And no matter if you use or not, we family members are sick ourselves, and we do affect them if we are not recovering well ourselves. They usually want the patient to stay as far away from psycho codies (like me) so they can get on their feet emotionally.
That being said, if the guy did say all you said he did....he should get his arse whooped by his boss.
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
There are great rehabs and great counselors and sorry rehabs and sorry counselors. Or there great rehabs with some good and some sorry counselors and then there are some ... well, you get the picture.
I wouldn't necessarily say the ABF is brainwashed. You heard all this stuff from the counselor, not him. Looks like you talked to the not so good counselor or at least the not so professional counselor.
I'm with anvil. Let it ride. He's due to get out soon. That's when the ABF will either call or he won't, and you'll have your answer right there as to what he is feeling.
The emotions of a person in early recovery are all over the map, and that includes you. I'd recommend keeping up with your meetings. Things can only get better for you if you continue working on yourself.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
I wouldn't necessarily say the ABF is brainwashed. You heard all this stuff from the counselor, not him. Looks like you talked to the not so good counselor or at least the not so professional counselor.
I'm with anvil. Let it ride. He's due to get out soon. That's when the ABF will either call or he won't, and you'll have your answer right there as to what he is feeling.
The emotions of a person in early recovery are all over the map, and that includes you. I'd recommend keeping up with your meetings. Things can only get better for you if you continue working on yourself.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 325
llgirl,
I am sorry that you are going through this- at the same time I want to get up and yell Hooray!!! Good for you for feeling surprised and angry by what the counselor said to you!! How he said it AND how your boyfriend appears to be treating you.
You are not in my a opinion a true codie yet!!! You have some standards still!!
No to me this is silly- just plain disrespectful and rude!! No- even if he needs to work his program and break-up with you- to me it is only decent for him at least to write you a letter- if not a simple phone call. Closure- is healthy and normal!! If I recall he is your boyfriend of 3 years and you helped him to get into that treatment center and put him on that plane. Doesn't sound to me like this was a "little" relationship- I believe the word "love" was used here- by both of you.
Addict/alcoholics tend to call them "expectations"- I choose to call them "standards" I have standards (again) for how I like, want and need to be treated by people who tell me they love me AND expect me to feel loved and important to them!! One of which is- to tell me directly if their feelings and what they told me they wanted and needed changed!!
If you find it impossible to just move on- ohh so many of us do and you feel the need for communication on this from him.
I would write a note to him and ask him directly- what has changed since you put him on that plane. What does he expect from you and what can you expect from him. No, in my opinion this was not nice or respectful to you- you have patiently waited since October. He could have told you- or the counselors could have told you earlier.
You said you love him and may have planned to spend your live with him. I know that I commited (married) my husband long before I signed a legal paper.
Though you do have to accept it- it is okay and in my opinion even good (for you) that it isn't acceptable to you. I'm sorry you were treated this way- that hurts.
Take care.
I am sorry that you are going through this- at the same time I want to get up and yell Hooray!!! Good for you for feeling surprised and angry by what the counselor said to you!! How he said it AND how your boyfriend appears to be treating you.
You are not in my a opinion a true codie yet!!! You have some standards still!!
No to me this is silly- just plain disrespectful and rude!! No- even if he needs to work his program and break-up with you- to me it is only decent for him at least to write you a letter- if not a simple phone call. Closure- is healthy and normal!! If I recall he is your boyfriend of 3 years and you helped him to get into that treatment center and put him on that plane. Doesn't sound to me like this was a "little" relationship- I believe the word "love" was used here- by both of you.
Addict/alcoholics tend to call them "expectations"- I choose to call them "standards" I have standards (again) for how I like, want and need to be treated by people who tell me they love me AND expect me to feel loved and important to them!! One of which is- to tell me directly if their feelings and what they told me they wanted and needed changed!!
If you find it impossible to just move on- ohh so many of us do and you feel the need for communication on this from him.
I would write a note to him and ask him directly- what has changed since you put him on that plane. What does he expect from you and what can you expect from him. No, in my opinion this was not nice or respectful to you- you have patiently waited since October. He could have told you- or the counselors could have told you earlier.
You said you love him and may have planned to spend your live with him. I know that I commited (married) my husband long before I signed a legal paper.
Though you do have to accept it- it is okay and in my opinion even good (for you) that it isn't acceptable to you. I'm sorry you were treated this way- that hurts.
Take care.
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
More shall be revealed.... I told my sponsor once, she should tattoo that on my butt - it would save her having to TELL me all the time.
Because over time, I DO hear and see things that once were hidden from me - sometimes they are revealed by more information, sometimes, they are revealed because *I* change.
Hang in there.... keep hitting the meetings, and posting here. You are not alone in this.
((hugs))
Because over time, I DO hear and see things that once were hidden from me - sometimes they are revealed by more information, sometimes, they are revealed because *I* change.
Hang in there.... keep hitting the meetings, and posting here. You are not alone in this.
((hugs))
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 98
As with any situation in which people are learning from others, being inspired, 'guided' by someone who has been-there-done-that, looking up to someone because they eschew success, etc...some pupils can easily cling to their words and take suggested advice literally and put them on a pedestal of the highest order. Unfortunately, this is even more prevalent if a person is really down, hit their bottom, desperate for a map...I know all about this type of pupil; I am one. I would join a cult and drink the Kool-Aid if I didn't have my family/friends close by to slap me back into reality sometimes!! 
I'm not saying your bf is like this, but it's an issue to at least consider. However, even if he is idolizing this counselor, there is really nothing you can do!
I went to a very well-respected rehab. The counselors never, ever told us what to do, and all advice was pretty much prefaced with, "I can't tell you what to do; only you can decide what is best for you." In spite of this, there were still A's there that absolutely followed all of the counselors' teachings to a T, never really applied it to their own situation and looked up to the counselors so much that it was detrimental to their recovery. Some even came back when something went wrong and blamed the counselor or whined, "But I did exactly as you told me to!" The counselor would then have to reiterate that he/she did not, in fact, tell them what to do.
It was amazing to me that this happened so often. Looking back, I guess those A's that fell into this category were not really recovering, as they were still in the habit of blaming others for their problems and still seeking to be 'rescued.'
That being said, I think it is terrible when people recite their historical successes as the absolute solution to everyone's parallel issues. We all know this is usually not wise, and we all know that individuals must assess their situations independently, right? When telling of a past mistake that we see another making, we can only hope that they learn from us, appreciate our solution to the problem and that we understand a little bit what they are going through, and apply in the abstract what may or may not work for them (with some exceptions, of course). So I guess what I am saying to you is that, in my opinion, your bf's counselor should either go back to school or be disciplined! Sounds like the counselor is trying to play puppetmaster by 'controlling' vulnerable people by giving them detailed instructions. However, I don't know the whole situation, nor do you, so we can only speculate on what is really going down. And I could be way off base...I am no expert!
For your peace of mind, you could write your bf a letter and just get your feelings out there to him...? I would (this is just what I would do in this situation, you have to decide what you find worth doing for you...and maybe even for him) call the rehab and ask to speak with the counselor's supervisor. I would be calm, nice, very factual and not show emotion...I'd make it seem like I was calling because I was disappointed in the program (avoid insulting the rehab by using words like cult or brainwashed), that I found it unethical and not professional, and I would not make accusations about the counselor. Instead, I would bring up the subject as an example and stress that it is counselor's advice that is upsetting...accusations make people defensive. Who knows? Maybe the supervisor can speak with your bf and try to get him to understand that his counselor was out-of-line (if he was), that he needs to assess what will work for him or whatever sane advice the supervisor can offer to your bf so that he isn't just following orders, but working his recovery in a way that works for him individually. I think anyone in their right mind would recognize that your bf's counselor was out of line (unless that is what the rehab teaches in their curriculum...)
In any case, I wish you the best and hope you are able to either get closure (for your own peace) or have the opportunity to work things out with your bf. I am so sorry you have to deal with this on top of everything else!!!
I'm not saying your bf is like this, but it's an issue to at least consider. However, even if he is idolizing this counselor, there is really nothing you can do!I went to a very well-respected rehab. The counselors never, ever told us what to do, and all advice was pretty much prefaced with, "I can't tell you what to do; only you can decide what is best for you." In spite of this, there were still A's there that absolutely followed all of the counselors' teachings to a T, never really applied it to their own situation and looked up to the counselors so much that it was detrimental to their recovery. Some even came back when something went wrong and blamed the counselor or whined, "But I did exactly as you told me to!" The counselor would then have to reiterate that he/she did not, in fact, tell them what to do.
It was amazing to me that this happened so often. Looking back, I guess those A's that fell into this category were not really recovering, as they were still in the habit of blaming others for their problems and still seeking to be 'rescued.'
That being said, I think it is terrible when people recite their historical successes as the absolute solution to everyone's parallel issues. We all know this is usually not wise, and we all know that individuals must assess their situations independently, right? When telling of a past mistake that we see another making, we can only hope that they learn from us, appreciate our solution to the problem and that we understand a little bit what they are going through, and apply in the abstract what may or may not work for them (with some exceptions, of course). So I guess what I am saying to you is that, in my opinion, your bf's counselor should either go back to school or be disciplined! Sounds like the counselor is trying to play puppetmaster by 'controlling' vulnerable people by giving them detailed instructions.
However, I don't know the whole situation, nor do you, so we can only speculate on what is really going down. And I could be way off base...I am no expert!For your peace of mind, you could write your bf a letter and just get your feelings out there to him...? I would (this is just what I would do in this situation, you have to decide what you find worth doing for you...and maybe even for him) call the rehab and ask to speak with the counselor's supervisor. I would be calm, nice, very factual and not show emotion...I'd make it seem like I was calling because I was disappointed in the program (avoid insulting the rehab by using words like cult or brainwashed), that I found it unethical and not professional, and I would not make accusations about the counselor. Instead, I would bring up the subject as an example and stress that it is counselor's advice that is upsetting...accusations make people defensive. Who knows? Maybe the supervisor can speak with your bf and try to get him to understand that his counselor was out-of-line (if he was), that he needs to assess what will work for him or whatever sane advice the supervisor can offer to your bf so that he isn't just following orders, but working his recovery in a way that works for him individually. I think anyone in their right mind would recognize that your bf's counselor was out of line (unless that is what the rehab teaches in their curriculum...)
In any case, I wish you the best and hope you are able to either get closure (for your own peace) or have the opportunity to work things out with your bf. I am so sorry you have to deal with this on top of everything else!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: nyack, NY
Posts: 26
Thank you to everyone for responding to my post, it really means a lot and helps me think a little clearer and clarify that my thoughts are not wrong. I'll try calling the supervisor and see what happens. Thanks again!
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