cece

When I first began this journey of recreating myself , after accepting my son was an addict, and that I couldn't cure my husbands depression, only my reaction to it , I never thought I could be happy separate from their happiness,if they was still in trouble.
For so many years my happiness was based on whether my son and/or my husband was happy. Life was good and our house felt right when they were right with themselves.
This last year has been a journey for me. The most important hard lesson for me was to find happiness through myself. It sounds simple, self-centeredness is a way of life these day so focusing on me should seem easy, but it wasn't. It's not that I was this all loving benevolent person who gave all to everyone and expected nothing in return. Sure I gave it all but I expected it return and was often resentful and angry that they never seemed to think of me. Today I have come a great distance in this.
I still struggle with the old pulls of enabling and controlling that I characterize as help. But I am making huge gains on finding my strength and focusing on my needs. sure I was forced into it. I am separated from both my husband and son so I had to find a life without them and at first I was petty much curled up in a fetal position ( in my head) without a direction. But somewhere along the way I have learned to like this Independence. I like my home my way, I like my time to be about me, I like knowing what makes me happy now.
Other people in my life still feel sorry for me. They worry that this past year has been a horrible thing for me,. Its hard to explain to them that I think this year has been the best thing that has happened to me. I have grown so much, learned much, and discovered that I might even have other things to offer besides my God-Like ability to fix everyone.
I am happy. I still worry, I still hurt, I don't know if I will stay separated from my husband.It will depend on if I decide it will be good for me I don't know if my son will beat his addiction. but I am happy. I can still get lonely but not enough for it to consume me and I have people and things to take that away if I chose.
Its been a good year after all. thank you for sharing it with me

SerenitySeaker

Thank you for sharing something something so positive and giving so many of us hope for ourselves and our future!

greeteachday

Wow!!! Awesome. I understand what you mean and can definitely relate. I know my HP still has wonderful plans for me. Recently I have been in a mode of reorganizing, finishing things i have started, redoing...as if by taking care of the physical clutter in my life, it is helping me eliminate some mental and emotional clutter. I have a sense of something to come that will take my journey to a new level, and I am excited by it.

I have enjoyed walking with you so far Cece, and really look forward to sharing more. Thanks for all the insight and the strength and hope you bring to SR! Hugs

Ann

Sometimes God's gifts come strangely wrapped, and I totally understand what you are saying above because that's how it is with me too. My adversity took me to recovery and that took me to a wonderful place that I call Serenity where my life is better than it has ever been...regardless of how those around me are spending their lives.

It tickles my heart every time I see someone like you arrive at this happy place.

Hugs