BayAreaPhoenix

I've been posting, and reading here for a few months, and what always strikes me is the incredible healthy love all you parents are striving for. What I have to say is more for those with younger children than you with those that are old enough to make their own decisions.

I have shared a little that I have not had contact with my own mother since 1985. Thank goodness, because honestly, I would be a complete vegetable by now if I had stayed in touch with her, or worse. She was not an addict, but she had very definite psychological issues, which puts her in about the same cateogry. I want to share with you how important I feel, from my own experience, it is to teach your children, by example, what they learn.

I have spent my entire adult life "relearning" or "learning" what "healthy" parents teach their children. Everything from how to manage money, give and accept apologies, and even how to clip toenails! I was taught that saying sorry wasn't enough, and therefore, saying I'm sorry (and meaning it) was something I didn't know how to do, even though I would sincerely feel sorry, I never felt like it was enough, and did not know how to express it. I also learned not to accept an apology graciously either (even bigger)!This is just one example. My point is, that while it is so difficult sometimes to do what you need to do, whatever decision you are trying to make, please try to remember what a gift you are giving your children in teaching them and showing them a healthy way you, as their parent, take care of yourself, physically and emotionally, as an adult. By making the hard choices to achieve your own peace and happiness, you are teaching them for when they grow older. This will reduce the chances of them repeating your "mistake", which will hurt not just them, but you!

I don't know that my experience, or thoughts, will help any of you , but my intention is to share my perspective, for what it's worth. God bless you all for being the wonderful, thoughtful, caring parents that you are! Because you think of your children and family, you are doing, or trying to do, what you are supposed to, and I wish I could hug each and every one of you to let you know just how wonderful you are!

Thank you for being an active parent!!!! My heart bursts and tears flow when I read your posts! I wish my Dad had known he could have done what he wanted to. He stayed within "boundaries" he thought he should have, I didn't love him less, but he WISHED (as he shared when I got older) that he knew then what he knew later, that he could have and should have done differently. His regrets stayed with him until the day he died.

Ann

What a heart warming post, thank you.

I think recovery has helped me see that some of the toxic relationships in my family are not because of a lack of love, but because the other person is stuck in their sickness and incapable of love.

Learning that, understanding that, has helped me forgive more than one person and let go of trying to fix what is not fixable.

This is a good reminder for me today, thanks again.

Hugs

marle

A lot of times you will find that we parent what we learn as children and if what we learn is not healthy, it is really hard to know the right thing to do. We do the best we can with what we know and when we know better we do better. (That is a beautiful saying from Maya Angelou and so appropriate for us moms who feel so much guilt over what our children do.) Your mother was probably not parented in a healthy way and she just repeated the pattern. It is good that you are willing to break the cycle with your children. Hugs, Marle

greeteachday

Beautiful, moving post, thank you codeinewife. I agree with Ann that recovery has helped me to let go and forgive rather than try to control what I can not control. Hugs

BayAreaPhoenix

I agree, if I hadn't let go of my mother, I would be in far worse shape. Funny how the psyche works. I knew way back when, that if I had any chance of a happy life, I would have to let go and forgive my mother for what she was not able to give me (I did this young and without Alanon - where is that clarity now?). Often asked if I could go back and do it all over again with the Mother I deserved, my answer has always been, and still is, NO. She is who she is, so it's not possible, and I wouldn't give up one single person that has come into my life because of her. The life I have led away from her has been blessed - not easy, but truly blessed. My best friend has been my best friend for longer than I had my mother in my life, and believe me, the thought of giving her (my BF) up is impossible. She was meant to be in my life. I have work to do, there is no doubt, but I don't point a finger of fault.

Anyroads - hugs to all for the week ahead - may we all learn and grow this week! I know I need to!