I'm utterly numb right now
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 11
I'm utterly numb right now
I’m numb. I try to cry, a little comes out but then it stops again. I feel proud and ashamed all at once. Proud that I defined my boundaries with AH and his addiction, put it all on him. Ashamed because it’s come to this. I can’t do it anymore, the life we have been living. I’m always afraid that I’ll get a knock on the door by the police, telling me he’s in jail or worse of all, dead. Afraid of how I’ll explain to DS now, and DD later, about what’s happening with daddy. I’m so mad and angry and sad at the same time. How do I explain his absence to people? I’m lucky that I have supportive people in my life, but I’m not worried about me, I’ll go on. I’m stronger than anyone realizes and my kids will be fine. The question is – will daddy be in the picture?
He finally forced my hand last night, his final slip that I am willing to deal with. I packed his bags and left them on the living room floor, not wanting to make him go away but not feeling like I had a choice. He came home after I left with the children. When we got back he had called detox and all of our family members to let them know as well. I've been telling him for a year now that he can't deal with this addiction himself. It's layers and years of depression and guilt that have led to this for him, this I know. But, and a big but, that is all in the past and our present and future are our children.
I pray that my children will one day look back at one of two situations 1) daddy got help that he needed and became a better person or 2) mommy made a hard decision to protect them and our futures. I hope to God it's #1.
If he completes his rehab and makes an honest effort, yes we will be a complete family in 3 weeks. If not….his decision. I’ve made mine.
R
He finally forced my hand last night, his final slip that I am willing to deal with. I packed his bags and left them on the living room floor, not wanting to make him go away but not feeling like I had a choice. He came home after I left with the children. When we got back he had called detox and all of our family members to let them know as well. I've been telling him for a year now that he can't deal with this addiction himself. It's layers and years of depression and guilt that have led to this for him, this I know. But, and a big but, that is all in the past and our present and future are our children.
I pray that my children will one day look back at one of two situations 1) daddy got help that he needed and became a better person or 2) mommy made a hard decision to protect them and our futures. I hope to God it's #1.
If he completes his rehab and makes an honest effort, yes we will be a complete family in 3 weeks. If not….his decision. I’ve made mine.
R
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
You did a strong and loving thing by saying enough is enough. You and your kids do come first, and as sad as it is, you have to do what is right for you. I hope while he is in rehab, you can take some time for Alanon or Naranon meetings and working on your own healing. I found rehab time was a good time for me to really focus on me. Hugs and prayers.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
What a strong and difficult thing you did. ((((hugs)))) to you and your children. Teach your children by example, it's the best gift to give them. They will see what and how to deal with difficult situations from you! You did a wonderful thing for yourself and them, but it sounds like it was incredibly hard! Take care of yourself, or should I say continue to take care of yourself! Prayers!!!!
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Hi Sadneedhelp,
So glad you've found SR and the wonderful support that is here.
You've made a very difficult decision but a very healthy one, I think. One of the best things I've learned in recovery is the "gift" of setting boundaries. When I do that (as you did), I am taking control of my life. I am allowed to say "this is unacceptable behavior" and I won't tolerate it. Before I learned to set boundaries, my AD was pretty much running the show and her dad and I were jumping through hoops to keep the peace. And it didn't work...no one was at peace. When we learned to set our boundaries and stuck to them, it was then that at least we were feeling the peace. AD could choose peace for her life is she wanted to, but at least I had MY peace.
I know you want your husband to be okay, but remember that HIS addiction is HIS addiction. He has to deal with it and want more for his life. For your life, the focus needs to be on you and the kids.
I'd recommend finding some Al Anon or Nar Anon meetings. I was told that I needed to do all that I could to educate and arm myself while my AD was in rehab. Attending meetings helped me do that. This is a difficult road and I found so much help from the loving people in my meetings.
Prayers for you and your kids,
Hangin' In
So glad you've found SR and the wonderful support that is here.
You've made a very difficult decision but a very healthy one, I think. One of the best things I've learned in recovery is the "gift" of setting boundaries. When I do that (as you did), I am taking control of my life. I am allowed to say "this is unacceptable behavior" and I won't tolerate it. Before I learned to set boundaries, my AD was pretty much running the show and her dad and I were jumping through hoops to keep the peace. And it didn't work...no one was at peace. When we learned to set our boundaries and stuck to them, it was then that at least we were feeling the peace. AD could choose peace for her life is she wanted to, but at least I had MY peace.
I know you want your husband to be okay, but remember that HIS addiction is HIS addiction. He has to deal with it and want more for his life. For your life, the focus needs to be on you and the kids.
I'd recommend finding some Al Anon or Nar Anon meetings. I was told that I needed to do all that I could to educate and arm myself while my AD was in rehab. Attending meetings helped me do that. This is a difficult road and I found so much help from the loving people in my meetings.
Prayers for you and your kids,
Hangin' In
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 11
thanks for the support
Last night was so hard, his first night being away. I'm trying to keep it together for the kids, but I feel like crying. I couldn't sleep in bed last night, so DS and I had a campout in the living room (he's 4.5yrs old). DD (1.5 yrs) is too young to understand, but DS understands that daddy went to the hospital to feel better.
We kept this under wraps from everyone but family, so how do I explain his absence???? I don't want anyone else knowing at this point, in case he's successful. If he's not, well, the next step I don't even want to think about. But for now, I'll continue to pray and hope that he finds the help he needs.
I've gone to Alanon meetings, which is how I knew what to do to keep us safe and away from that s**t. I also lurk here religiously to find solace and answers.
One thing that keeps me going is that I have 2 friends with AH. They have not yet found the strength to detach themselves and they both told me how brave and strong I've been to have done this. They both wish they could do the same. I hope I've been a good example to them and that they follow suite if their AH decide to keep making the poor decisions.
Thank you ladies. I really need support right now.
R
We kept this under wraps from everyone but family, so how do I explain his absence???? I don't want anyone else knowing at this point, in case he's successful. If he's not, well, the next step I don't even want to think about. But for now, I'll continue to pray and hope that he finds the help he needs.
I've gone to Alanon meetings, which is how I knew what to do to keep us safe and away from that s**t. I also lurk here religiously to find solace and answers.
One thing that keeps me going is that I have 2 friends with AH. They have not yet found the strength to detach themselves and they both told me how brave and strong I've been to have done this. They both wish they could do the same. I hope I've been a good example to them and that they follow suite if their AH decide to keep making the poor decisions.
Thank you ladies. I really need support right now.
R
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 388
Sad,
I also think that you are very strong, and doing the right thing.
I am the mother of 2 addicts, 1 in recovery, 1 not.
I have learned that I can not allow them to pull me into their addiction.
They chose that life, I did not.
Hugs to you and your babies...
Colleen
I also think that you are very strong, and doing the right thing.
I am the mother of 2 addicts, 1 in recovery, 1 not.
I have learned that I can not allow them to pull me into their addiction.
They chose that life, I did not.
Hugs to you and your babies...
Colleen
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
just wanted to chime in and let you know that I am thinking about you as you move through this difficult situation. By doing what you've done you've raised his bottom. Hopefully, this will help to ignite his recovery process. My RAH did not seek recovery until he could "smell it" that I truly meant that I would not be involved with an active addict. All of a sudden, the emphasis was off of his not using and on me and what I was actually going to do....not him.
Detox and sobriety are just the beginning of the beginning. I used to believe that the only problems that I had would be solved if the addict in my life would just quit using. All the using does is cover up the "real stuff". At the beginning of RAH's sobriety, a very wise counselor told both of us that the ONLY way for our relationship to work would be for both of us to work a strong recovery. I have finally realized the the addicts in my life did not "cause" my disease of codependency....it was lying there dormat until my radar could detect and land a willing addict for me to begin the dance of my active disease.
You have spoken about one of the reasons that the fellowships work.....you do it for those that come after you. You are right - your friends will be strengthened by your strength. You are a light shining the way.
While he is away love up on yourself well....take care of you and the babies....the focus is on the 3 of you. His recovery has to be his recovery for it to last.
Glad that you are with us here - Donna
Detox and sobriety are just the beginning of the beginning. I used to believe that the only problems that I had would be solved if the addict in my life would just quit using. All the using does is cover up the "real stuff". At the beginning of RAH's sobriety, a very wise counselor told both of us that the ONLY way for our relationship to work would be for both of us to work a strong recovery. I have finally realized the the addicts in my life did not "cause" my disease of codependency....it was lying there dormat until my radar could detect and land a willing addict for me to begin the dance of my active disease.
You have spoken about one of the reasons that the fellowships work.....you do it for those that come after you. You are right - your friends will be strengthened by your strength. You are a light shining the way.
While he is away love up on yourself well....take care of you and the babies....the focus is on the 3 of you. His recovery has to be his recovery for it to last.
Glad that you are with us here - Donna
Katronia
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 6
I am going through the worst experience yet with my Significant Other
I am also a codependant lover of an addict. Mine also happens to have Bipolar disorder on top of his crack/alcohol addiction. I would like to talk to other friends/family/prisoners of addicts and learn from you all. I am 7 weeks pregnant and lost! Please write me here - user name - KATRONIA and I would really appreciate any help. Good luck to you all - we all need it !:codiepolice
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Katronia,
Welcome to SR. You've found a great place for support, so keep reading and coming back. There are a lot of people here who can share with you how the have handled the addiction of their loved one.
I don't want your post to get lost, so if you will, please go back to the main page where you started reading the posts, and click on "new thread". It's up in the left hand corner. And then post this again. That way your words will be on a new post and more people will see it.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
Welcome to SR. You've found a great place for support, so keep reading and coming back. There are a lot of people here who can share with you how the have handled the addiction of their loved one.
I don't want your post to get lost, so if you will, please go back to the main page where you started reading the posts, and click on "new thread". It's up in the left hand corner. And then post this again. That way your words will be on a new post and more people will see it.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
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