I Just Realized
 

Over the past 2 months my AH, who has 4 years clean but no Recovery after the first year, has completely reverted back to all the obvious addictive behavior.

He as destroyed whatever there was to our marriage by being unfaithful. He has replaced crack with sex and obsessions over boats and cars we/he can't afford. And of course it's all my fault. He has a list of reasons why he just can't stay faithful and why he just all of sudden doesn't want to be married, a list of things he just can't stand about me.

Anyway, I'm sitting here reading everyones wonderful posts and trying to gain strength from the words and experiences of everyone here and I realize:

I keep telling my husband how worried I am about him and how sad it is that he will never be in a open honest relationship where he can truly experience happiness and love.

Then it hits me: why I am I worried about what he might never have? I should be worried about the fact that if I continue to engage in this marriage I WILL NEVER HAVE THOSE THINGS EITHER, and I will have no one to blame but myself.

The time has come for me to spread my wings and learn how to fly. Thanks for guiding me in the right direction here.

(((((SerenitySeaker)))))
Great insight...I found the more I learned to practice focusing on me...even if at first it was just to block certain obsessive thoughts from my mind or to treat myself to a bubble bath or paint my toe nails, the more I could gain some perspective on my own life. I'm so glad you are shifting the focus and realizing that nothing changes if nothing changes, and the only thing you have the power to change is you.
I'm sorry your marriage is not what you would like, but I am glad that you are realizing you have the power to make a difference. Hugs.