BayAreaPhoenix

I was ready. I am ready. But I still got suckered! I tried to have a conversation and argued with my AH! I did manage to not let him confuse me or get turned around, that's about the only good thing I can say. I saw RED, I didn't yell and scream but I let him keep talking, I kept engaging, it was dumb and stupid and I probably said more than I should have, took a few pot shots in there too, but didn't hit below the belt (again, the only other good thing I can say). I am such an idiot, and now I have anxiety over the conversation and wish I hadn't said this and that, wish I had just said I'm sorry you feel that way, or if that's what you want to think, or just Oh - whatever, ANYTHING but engaging in conversation!!!!!

StillLearning1

Aw CW,
Been there done that!! Don't beat yourself up!! They can be masters at that ole manipulation!! What I love is this one- "other" people- who haven't a clue, that tell me, "..just call him up and say xyz.... " I am powerless over him- cause he does seem to have some power over me WHEN I converse with him. At least for today! But... I am powerful over me!! I can change- I can detach!! Not get into discussions about anything!!
So.. that self talk... "it was dumb and stupid." Another thing you can change!! I think they say we need to hear 20 positives for every negative!!
So here it goes.. CW is an intelligent, smart, brilliant woman!! A very fast learner a quick study!

greeteachday

No self beating allowed CW! I've been there too...more than once, and I doubt there is a person on this forum who hasn't in some way been in your shoes. That's why the saying is progress not perfection! That's a hard concept for codies like us though...I think most of us tend towards perfectionism. Letting that go has been such a weight off my shoulders. I never came close to perfect, but now I am happy not to be

BayAreaPhoenix

Thanks. No alanon tonight in our town, but I did go to NA. The speaker was great and it was about hope. Then I saw a friend of mine and I talked it through a bit more. You're right StillLearning, negative self-talk is not good! I had broken myself of that habit - at least the real dumb and stupid part - long ago, and there we see it in black and white - I have regressed on to something I didn't think I still needed to work on. And GreetEachDay, thanks for the reminder. Grabbing on to the Progress not Perfection moto has really helped me be more free and far less exhausted! Trying to be perfect is really very tiring work!!!! This week apparently I got tired and had a "relapse". Nope, I didn't handle it the best way I could have. I have better tools now and I really did know better, but I let myself get suckered. I will do better next time! MY actions will also speak louder than my words. I was reminded tonight that this goes both ways! So, I made a mistake. I have learned from this mistake and will be better prepared for the next time. I will keep my eyes on my action and work on my words. Thanks - I was reminded by my friend tonight that last week this time I was crying to "know" so I wouldn't be so easily manipulated, and today - while I still was reeled in, I managed that! How quickly we forget the progress we make sometimes (at least I do apparently). I do feel really good about the fact that he wasn't able to "muddle" my mind. I have a long ways to go, but that much was good. Thanks!!!!!:day4

AWEDA

Don't beat youself up. We've all been there. I am still learning and growing every day.God Bless.:ghug

Ann

Sometimes our greatest gifts come strangely wrapped. I know that most of my "lessons", at least the really good ones, came at times like this where I was challenged by the "new me" dealing with "old patterns".

Put down the guilt stick because you still handled it well, even if not "by the book" because that old book took time and trial before it became an adage and learning our lessons along the way makes it all good.

And I also have to say that the way you handled this, by going to a meeting and talking to someone you trusted about your troubles, is remarkable and so very healthy. Not "stuffing" it or wallowing in guilt but instead sharing it and taking an honest look at all sides, is just such a healthy "recovery" thing to do. You shine, girl!

Hugs

lightseeker

I've been in your shoes oh so many times. I'm always amazed at how I get roped in - I get my toe in the water of it and then that's it. The good parts of that happening are that my compassion for other's in our shoes has grown. I so see how it all happens.

After I hit myself with wet noodles I back up to see where I set myself up for failure. Hard work - this changing stuff. Have you ever seen the poem about the holes in the road?

I walk down a street and there's a big hole. I don't see it and fall into it. It's dark and hopeless and it takes me a long time to find my way out.

I walk down the same street. There's a big hole and I can see it, but I still fall in. It's dark and hopeless and it takes me a long time to get out.

I walk down a street. There's a big hole. I can see it, but I still fall in. It's become a habit. But I keep my eyes open and get out immediately.

I walk down a street. There's a big hole. And I walk around it.

I walk down a different street.

You handled all of this so well I think - got to a meeting, talked about it, reached out. It's a process. You definitely shine!

Hugs - Donna

nytepassion

******{Hugs}}}}

Been there ... done that .. own the t-shirt.

I'm going to give credit where credit is due

I'm sure at one point and time you didn't know and didn't care if you engaged

I'm sure at some point you starting trying not to engage

I'm sure there have been plenty of times you haven't engaged

and I'm sure there have been times when you feel you blew it and engaged on a deeper level then this last time

Though this time you engaged, you hit him with kid boxing gloves on and you kept it clean and above the waist. You hated that you allowed yourself to go there .. and now you are upset and fretting over it. Progress not perfection.

You're not an idiot .. you are human.

I see lots of growth despite the fact that you say "you blew it"

I don't think you blew it at all.

I think you found yourself at a check point in your recovery.

You know where you stand .. and you are aware of the areas in your behavior, words and deeds where you feel you "blew it" You are see your part in it and it is with that knowledge that you can put your focus into those areas and the next time (opertunity) use your recovery tools to pull you through to the other side of things.

I is not the end of the world .. just a new beginning of another phase of your recovery.
Part of the journey includes "blowing it" from time to time.

Thought of the day: I blew it = Check point

Time to get out the map, see where I started, see how far I've come and WHERE I AM AT RIGHT NOW (focus) where am I going (study the map) are there mountains, valleys, road blocks? Before going any further... as best as you can PLAN AHEAD) Remember to take your tools, aides, life=savers (sure there may be some unexpected things come along that you might now be prepared for) but they can be used to help you be better prepared the next time around .. as you journey the road of your recovery.

Most important rule to remember: If you fall, get right back up, don't beat yourself up - dust yourself off, regroup, refocus, get back on track and keep on keepin' on.

At least you're headed in the right direction and thats a GREAT thing in itself!

Passion