Story of a wonderful man w/ a horrible problem...

Old 02-15-2008, 07:50 PM
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i'm so glad to see your post. and support you in your decision to wait and see. God will take care of you. pray for the best outcome for everyone involved and God will carry the rest. i send blessings to you and to all those you love. i am proud of you for your sacrifice and hard work. you be proud of you, too. in AA they call it "playing the long game" when they talk about the choices made today which bring positive outcomes weeks and months and years down the line. i believe in the long game.

take very good care. stay connected. xo
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Old 03-19-2008, 06:36 AM
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Well, sorry to say that I'm back. I was very supportive of him, and he had been attending NA meetings and even started seeing a psychiatrist. But as I type this post this morning, I have no idea where he is. He just got his IRS refund the other day, and I got nervous and told him to put it away somewhere, and he ASSURED me (yeah right!) that he had no intention of using the cash for crack. Well, I wish that had been the case. So now that I have resigned myself to the fact that this man that I love so much has a problem that he can't seem to recover from, I am now officially going to close that (once happy) chapter of my life. It absolutely destroys me, and I just can't do it anymore.
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Old 03-19-2008, 08:45 AM
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you are making a wise decision. you & your kids deserve so much better than he is able to do right now. let him fall & maybe he will realize that he needs help to get back up. i will say a prayer for him,you & your kids. hugs,
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Old 03-19-2008, 09:27 AM
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Like the title of your thread says, he is definitely a man with a horrible problem. I am SO GLAD you are choosing to protect your children and yourself from going down the devestating path that he wants to take you on. I know it's really hard but drawing clear boundaries, setting goals for myself and following through helped me so much.

You will find lots of understanding love and support on this website. So I encourage you to post often.
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Old 03-19-2008, 10:07 AM
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Hey Cherbear-
I have just read this whole thread and I just want to send you a big HUG!

As a daughter/sister of alcoholics/addicts I just want to say your kids may never know the huge gift you have given them by ending the relationship w/ your ABF. But many of us children of addicts/alcoholics know. In the days/weeks ahead if you feel a ripple in your plan just remember those little people will be spared alot of misery and suffering by your decisions. (and you will too!)

Sometimes we have to act with our head and not our heart. It is NOT EASY but it is worth it. And it is the most powerful example we can give our children....be worthy of their imitation.

You will find great support here for whatever the future brings.
Peace,
B.
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Old 03-19-2008, 11:16 AM
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I think you should close the door. When my XRAH was in rehab the first time I was told never to give him more then 10 dollars for the whole week he was not aloud to carry bank cards or have access to any bank accounts. That did work for 5 years.

He is trying to stop again, but this time I was told I had to let him go. He actually told me until he can do this recovery on his own he would not be any good to his son.

So if you guys are living together, you need to get a lot of things done, now. YOu need to change the locks, you need to get his name off your lease(if your renting). You need to get an address change for him. YOu need to start protecting yourself and the kids.

When my ex could not pay for his drugs, the dealers came after me. It did not matter that I was not getting the drugs they just wanted their money. I would not sleep with him either, first I would go get check and make sure you do have aides. When they are high they will sleep with anything and not care. I found out that my ex while with me has had sex with over 50 women he did not know.

I say run
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Old 03-19-2008, 12:08 PM
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Wow... I really hope that he hasn't slept with anybody else. He's been so brutally honest with me (well, at least after he's done with his 24-hour crack binges) and I've asked him about whether or not he's been with other women when he's busy with his 'hobby', but he swears to me that he hasn't done anything with anyone. He says that he just keeps to himself and smokes his crack, but now I don't know whether or not I should believe him.
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Old 03-19-2008, 12:17 PM
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Originally Posted by cherbear79 View Post
Well, sorry to say that I'm back. I was very supportive of him, and he had been attending NA meetings and even started seeing a psychiatrist. But as I type this post this morning, I have no idea where he is. He just got his IRS refund the other day, and I got nervous and told him to put it away somewhere, and he ASSURED me (yeah right!) that he had no intention of using the cash for crack. Well, I wish that had been the case. So now that I have resigned myself to the fact that this man that I love so much has a problem that he can't seem to recover from, I am now officially going to close that (once happy) chapter of my life. It absolutely destroys me, and I just can't do it anymore.
I didn't get to read all the responses all the way through, but what I did read I agree with.
I'm sorry you are going through this.. :ghug3

I know it hurts now but you are saving yourself from further pain, and a lifetime of hell.

Like Anvil and Amy said, Recovery is possible, but you have to not use to recover. Once you start using again, you stop recovering and that
'wonderfulness' you spoke of disappears and is replaced with lies, and darkness.

He made his choice, those of us in recovery have to make choices every day, and when we make the wrong ones there are consequences, and you and your kids should Not have to pay for that.
There are men out there that would choose you every time.
I'm glad you chose yourself over a life of drugs.

Love and Light to you.. :ghug3

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Old 03-19-2008, 12:27 PM
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Thanks you for this thread!! there are many of us going through the same thing. Wonderful men, bad addiction. I have been fighting my battle with my exah for way too long...its hard to know when to pull the plug, when you think each time will be the last time they use. I hope you move forward and find your happiness with someone who can love you the way you deserve!!
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Old 03-19-2008, 03:24 PM
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You made the right choice if for no one else but your kids.

There’s only one thing else you need to do for yourself and that is to realize that he is *not* a “wonderful man with a problem”; what he is *is* a man with a crack addiction. Crack addiction is by far just a “problem”, and the guy you fell in love with is the guy he wants you to *believe* he is.

He didn’t call anyone in NA because he didn’t want anyone to talk him out of using – And it isn’t that he *can’t* recover, it’s he doesn’t *want* to recover no matter how many times he’s told you through tears that he doesn’t want to use anymore. I’m guessing he’s a binge, or cyclic, user as this is very typical behavior for one.

The only reason I bring this to your attention is just because you may have decided you no longer want to be a couple, if you don’t see him for who he *really* is and continue to see him as somehow being a “great guy with a problem” or maybe a victim, you are setting yourself – and your kids - up to be suckered right back in. It is very likely in two weeks, or two days or six months from now he’ll show up at your door, maybe having lost his job or his place to live, and looking to you to help him out so he can get back on his feet… and those examples are very tame to what else he could do and look to you for. Addicts don’t typically ask for help from people who have held them accountable for their actions; they go to the ones who will continue to give them a soft place to land and who they know they can manipulate.

I really wish you and your kids absolutely the best. There are great men out there who will love and respect you just because you are who you are.

Take care.
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Old 03-19-2008, 05:54 PM
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One last note:

*Active* addict = lying, lying by omission, deceiving, manipulating, etc. ALWAYS.

He hasn’t been “brutally honest” with you from the start. And now he told you he wouldn’t use his tax refund for drugs, which was a bold-faced lie. I’ll wager he’s been obsessing about using that check long before it arrived.

Many addicts will “come clean” or be “SEMI-brutally honest” about what they’ve done during a recent run if they think you will find out about it from some other source. Same goes for being “brutally honest” about their past (read: lying by omission). This gives the illusion they are remorseful and honest and all what else. But they aren’t. It’s purely and completely a manipulative move. Also, if he’s been disappearing for hours, or a day, his telling you he was using isn’t “honesty” since you’ve most likely figured out he was using anyway.

As far as the cheating goes, crack is the purest form of cocaine, and we all know what coke does for someone’s libido. Well, crack is FAR more potent. True, the longer someone uses, the less likely they are to “get it up” and have an orgasm, but this does not mean that they don’t engage in some sort of sexual activity, like oral sex. Maybe they don’t engage in the activity every time, but it’s more than likely they do most of the time.

But the thing that many people don’t stop to think about is disease isn’t just passed through intercourse or dirty needles. Diseases – life long diseases other than HIV/AIDS – can be passed through oral sex as well as just sharing a crack pipe with an infected user.

So, in the long run, it doesn’t matter if he was intimate with someone else. The most important thing for you right now should be to get tested ASAP because he may already know he has a disease but has declined to tell you.

If you haven’t been tested before, it’s about as stressful as all hell waiting for the results, and you’ll have to do it one more time 6 months later. But when the test comes back “negatory!”, you’ll be SO glad you did it and will be SO happy the nightmare is totally behind you.
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Old 03-19-2008, 06:55 PM
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Cherbear

I can't add anything new to all the wonderful advice/suggestions you have already received from the rest of the group.

I especially agree with the fact you must first take care of yourself and your children. Don't waste your time trying to help him because only he can do that.

I am so sorry that you and your children are having to experience this.

My son is the addict in my life and has relapsed many times. The longest he lastest was 3 years.

I'll pray for you, your children and your ABF.

Hugs, Devastated
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Old 03-19-2008, 08:05 PM
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Originally Posted by bluejay6 View Post

<snip>
but the man you love will no longer be able to care about you or your children, if he doesn't get clean. in fact, it is likely he will come to hate you.
This can't be more spot-on true. I have found that many addicts in active addiction *deeply* resent and trash those who have bent over backwards to help them the most, which always seem to be the people the addict has wronged the most and are the people who know the most about the addict.

Though I have yet to get a real answer for this, it seems to me the addict does this to not feel regret for screwing up a good thing, so-to-speak. Far easier to place the blame on someone else than it is to take responsibility for what your addiction cost you. Again.

Great point, bluejay.
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Old 03-19-2008, 09:36 PM
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Originally Posted by cherbear79 View Post
I've been with my fiance now for over a year. We fell in love very quickly, and we never fight, and have a wonderful open relationship. But with one major problem..........
And the problem is he has a misstress and her name is Crack.

I read so many posts from women with sons or daughters or husbands who are addicts. These women did not have a choice. You do.

The biggest issue, I think, may be living a life waiting for the other shoe to drop and /or being manipulated into believing that what you do or not, say or not, will cause him to seek his mistress or not.

If this were true, then we would all have the power to cure the addict in our life.

We did not cause it. We cannot control it. And we most certainly cannot cure it.
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Old 03-20-2008, 08:20 AM
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Thank you everyone for your support as always! :ghug3 I did finally hear from him last night (1 am - approx 24 hours after he started his 'binge', and I don't even know how many thousands of dollars later). Luckily, he does not live with me, and we still have our own finances, so I'm not in so deep that it will be impossible to get myself out. But I feel in my heart that this is it. I talked with him this morning on the phone, and I didn't have the same feelings I once did. I guess I just finally see him as someone different than the person I love. And that is a hard reality to face... but i'm facing it. So the next few days/weeks are going to be hard. I know that... but I think it will be better in the long run. I will talk with him in the next few days (face to face) and tell him how I feel... I know he will understand, but I don't know how he will deal with the reality of losing me and my kids afterwards (will he use more? will he work harder in meetings and therapy???) I guess that's not for me to know. Anyways, I just wanted to say thanks again, and I may be checking in once and a while when I need a little will power and strength to stand my ground with a person that I loved so deeply who I will probably never see again.
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Old 03-20-2008, 10:00 AM
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Well, you pretty much already answered your own question: you told him the price he’d pay if he used again would be you and the kids… and he went out and used anyway.

I think the most painful hurdle to get over isn’t that we’ve lost someone we love. The painful hurdle is realizing we got duped into loving an *idea* of who they wanted us to believe they are. Had you been living with him, or had known him longer than a year, you would have come to know exactly who he really is, and he would have become unrecognizable to you. Just imagine how he would be seen by your kids!

With binge or cyclic users, we are nothing but a diversion until the addict has the compulsion to use. Then when the compulsion and obsession of the drug has taken hold of them, they will chose the drug over us *every single time* unless they have gotten 100% pro-active in recovery. And recovery requires far more dedication and commitment from the addict than just hitting meetings or therapists. In early recovery, this dedication and commitment needs to be addressed on a minute to minute basis a lot of the time. Tough, tough work.

For me, as is true for anyone else who loved an addict, I so wanted to believe when I dumped him, he’d just wake-up as if out of some sleep, and realize he lost the best thing ever. For a while he made it *seem* as though that was the case, but it wasn’t. He used the better part of the next few months and jumped from chick to chick, which was his pattern before me.

So, rather than wondering what he’s going to do, love up you children and thank what ever angel is hanging over you that you are free from the hell he was most certainly going to put you through.
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Old 03-20-2008, 10:19 AM
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Originally posted by hope4always
I think the most painful hurdle to get over isn’t that we’ve lost someone we love. The painful hurdle is realizing we got duped into loving an *idea* of who they wanted us to believe they are. Had you been living with him, or had known him longer than a year, you would have come to know exactly who he really is, and he would have become unrecognizable to you.
Wow... thank you so much for this... the words you said here will help me to get through the next few difficult days... I can't thank you enough.
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Old 03-20-2008, 05:36 PM
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Keep your head held high and your resolve strong, girl. Know that you are so incredibly lucky; his crack addiction and all the ugliness that goes with it could have cost far more than you realize… your health, your safety, your piece of mind, your finances and most importantly, your kids.

I wish someone had clued me in on what I was in for, what horrible roller coaster ride I was doomed to endure with a crack addict with a career (he smoked that puppy up within a year of smoking up my last nerve). But in all honesty, my arrogance would have prevented me from listening anyway; educated, successful woman am I who came from great breeding. Like *I* could get snowed. Well, I’ve certainly been humbled… and gratefully so, I say.

Since I have next to no recreational Internet time (got myself sick, and so, have been afforded a couple days surf time at home - *sneeze*), I wish you all the best. This site has some really good support and information. Over the course of the next few days, possibly weeks, others will most likely explain the “no contact” rule, when to invoke it and the major importance of it.

Best to you and your kids.

H4A
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Old 03-21-2008, 04:50 AM
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What is the 'no contact rule', and what would be the importance of it??
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Old 03-21-2008, 05:17 AM
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The "no contact rule" is a rule that you decide you are not going to have ANY contact with him for a set period of time....no phone calls, no texts, no e-mails, no f2f visits. It helps tremendously, because it allows you to put the focus on YOU and what you want from life.

Sometimes, we can be doing really good, then they'll call us, full of remorse, promising the world, and we get sucked back in.

The length of "no contact" varies. Some people can only do it a day at a time, others will decide on 2 or 3 weeks, or a month. Thing is, you can extend that time at any time.

You just tell him "I need some time to think, and I don't want to talk to you or hear from you for -------". If he tries to call, you don't answer. If he texts you, you don't read it. It's hard, but it is so worth it! It gets you out of the chaos and drama of HIS addiction, and lets you work on your own life.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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