wooforever

I'm new to this site. Here is the problem I am having with my Ex husband. He was in jail for 45 days and then they sent him to a rehab for 45 days now he is in a TSLF (halfway housing) for 90 days. He was calling everyday and every night just to talk for all of the rehab stay and the first 2 weeks out of rehab. Now he does not want to talk to me. Never returns my calls or texts. His pattern for using again is to avoid me if he is using.I know his not doing the program right-we go to group together and he lies to them. He told them he is looking for a job, he is not. He told them that he is taken care of business-he is driving with out a licience again. I have asked him to get his truck out of place and take all his stuff out of my apartment. I do not want to get hurt again. I have never let him go because I think I fix him or at least he will come back when he is clean. I just am figuring out that I am holding on to something that will never happen and now i do not know how to deal with this. I can not afford to pay for the towing of his car and if I get the car towed he will lose everything and he will blame me and use it on our son. I talk myself out of it everytime.

I have been sober for over a year and this is really hard for me. I do not know how to change my thinking to let him go for good.

peaceteach

I think you sound better than you realize, woo. You are putting your child first, but also coming here for yourself and your future! You have the knowledge and understanding of holding onto something that was a dream and will never happen, you are recognizing the signs of relapse, and he's not working his program. I would take a minute to just digest how well you actually are doing, and feel the support of this group that can help you through such a hard time. How many days until he gets out of the halfway house? Do you have to go to the group with him? Do you have a support system of family or friends to talk to away from him, where it will be just about YOU? Are you safe?

I wish I knew about the truck situation. Hopefully someone here can help

PaperDolls

Have you ever considered attending Alanon? They can help you learn how to let go and change your thinking.

hope213

welcome to S.R. you are not responsiable for your ex. let him fall then maybe he will be ready to get clean. take care of you & hands off the addict. over a year for you....that is wondeful. stay with the winners. prayers,

wooforever

Whats is up with the truck is that he was going to fix it and use it for himself. But it now is going on about 3 months and it is now his storage place for all his stuff (clothes, tools, his computer). Until he gets out of the halfway house. He is do to be out of the halfway house sometime in April. But he will have no place to go unless he stays and pays for the room, but I know that is his problem. I have not let him live with us in over 2 years. I was letting him take showers and cleam himself up, but my kids but the boundry if I let him even do that, my oldest would take his brother and not let him come back into the house. I have not let him come back in to take showers or eat.

I am trying to be strong, I have come a long ways, but if he is stay clean it is not fair for me to judge him, that is not my job that is his higher power. I just do not want to accuse him everytime he does something that I think is making him relapse. I know that is his choice.

My reaction to his behavior is destroying my younger son. He has a hard time understanding why his dad is that way. He just acts think nothing bothers him, he does not show his feelings and have never told his father or will tell his father what he feels. He does not want to hurt his dad and he does not want to hurt me. My son is 15 years old I do not want him to dislike his father because of the way I feel at times.

Vince is a very good man, when he is clean and sober. I have seen that at times, but I just do not trust him, he has told me the same **** so many times, that his words mean nothing to me. His actions speak louder then words.

CrushedbyCrack

Someone on this site recently gave me these wise words of advice and it has helped when I start fretting just like you are doing now...

"Lord Grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the person I can and the wisdom to know its me."

Focus on you and your son, and God will work the rest out.

bluejay6

dear woo,
your first priority must be your own recovery. you are under a lot of stress so it is vital you double up on whatever you do to work your own program. if you are not vigilant and rigorous, your disease can step up and take over and then all your choices are gone. first things first: your sobriety. every day. whatever it takes. double up.

as to the logistics of the truck and the possessions in the apt: if he does not have a valid license, it is illegal for him to drive. you can contact the police for advice on this delicate matter. you can also get a friend to help you and you can put your husband's possessions in that truck, lock it up, and disable it or have it towed until he cleans up his act and becomes a responsible and accountable adult and deals with his own problems.

for your children: they need information about addiction and how it makes parents behave toward their children. if they are unwilling to go to alateen, you yourself could go to a meeting and pick up the pamphlets and books designed for children of addicts and share them with your kids. what hurts kids most is silence. talk talk talk openly about everything that is happening and frame it in the context of disease not morality.

sounds like your H has relapsed. whatever you do, he will find fault with. whatever it is, it will not be enough for him. don't let that tyrannize you or paralyze you. do what you have to do, with the help of your higher power, your support group (stick very close to your sponsor), and your own good sense as a parent.

things will get better. i can hear it in you: you are going to be okay.

wooforever

Peacetech,

You asked if I have to go to group with him. Yes I do I need to let him know what his choices have done to me. I need to be able to let him know that I am trying to forgive for all the pain his addication has caused me and our family. I need to let go of this past, I am really trying this time.

I am safe, if you are asking because I am a recovering addict there is no way in hell I am going to let him cause a relapse. I was clean for over 3 years then I fell of the recovery wagon. I know what my triggers are and if I ever or even think I want to use. I call my friend and talk thru with it.

I am learning who I am again and this time I am doing it for me not for anyone else.

bluejay6

you sound really good.

on second thought, what i said about disabling the truck is not smart. driving it away without a valid license is his problem...what was i thinking.

but it is a perfect storage facility for his stuff!!

wooforever

You are correct. I guess I should not worry about the truck right now.