Jannt1999

:wtf2Hi.. My fiance who I don't live with has been smoking pot for a long time and it seems to have turned into coke now. I found evidence 3 times... and all 3 times he lied up and down about it and then said it was the only time. He started doing coke in August when he went to visit some of his buddies that all do it. I think that he uses it a lot. He is very moody and blows his nose often. We don't see each other much during the week so its hard to know how much he uses it. It's on the weekend when I notice little things and wonder. I have asked him often if he's using coke.. he always says of coures not.. On saturday I saw a plastic straw sticking out of his jeans and asked him.. all he said is that he wasn't doing coke. Nothing has been said about it since then. I'm going to have to have a talk with him but not sure how to without freaking out at him.. He has 2 kids that live with him, also.. I worry about the effects on them... any advice is very helpful.. thanks

Jannt1999

ooops.. I didn't mean to put the little "WTF" there

lightseeker

oooh......I don't know....WTF might be appropriate with an exclamation point to it. At least that's how I felt when I found out about RAH using that drug. I understand your confusion and concern - especially in regards to the kids. This is serious stuff....DSS type of stuff if he uses in the home with them there.

What I would recommend doing first is reading all of the sticky's at the top of this forum. Maybe you can learn more about what to look for. The other thing that I would try and remember is that people generally lie about their drug use and the extent of their drug use. I really really thought RAH (then ABF) was telling me the truth when he finally admitted that he used cocaine "now and then"...."just a little bit". I had no idea that he meant that he was smoking crack and using needles. I'm not saying that that is what your fiance is doing at all - just that the truth is generally not what someone speaks that uses a substance.

His behavior does really sound suspiscious so I think that you are on the right track with looking into this. More than anything, make sure that you are taking care of you. As Dr. Phil says, there are some deal breakers and drug use is one of them. It's easy to pretend that taking someone for better or worse means accepting that there is drug or alcohol use/abuse. That is not what those vows mean. To me, it means that I'll stick by you if you want to be sober. I realize that addiction is a chronic relapse disease so it's important to learn about boundaries and what you are up against.

Thinking about you - Donna

holdingouthope

Hi Julet: I'm the wife of a coke addict. Just the thought of finding a little straw in his pants pocket makes me anxious.

I think Anvil gave you the best advice. Survey and reassess....what is acceptable for you in your life? What behavior are you willing to live with?

Jannt1999

Thanks for all of the advice. I am not will to have any coke use in my life. He knows this. I have told him before. I just need to figure out how to talk to him and tell him this. He thinks he's been hiding it from me but it's not working. It scares me too cuz he may choose the drugs over me. I guess if he does, then I should consider myself lucky. Do some people use cocaine once in a while? By what I've read it doesn't sound like it and the use increases. What are the "sticky" that lightseeker said to read?

holdingouthope

On the top of the Friends and Family of Substance Abusers there's a series of posts that all start with "Sticky:"

jehnifer

You express some apprehension about talking to your fiance about the situation. Before you approach him, you perhaps should decide what your boundaires are and be prepared to articulate them succinctly. When you approach him he will either be truthful, partially truthful or totally untruthful. Does it really matter what his response is? Will you beleive him? Perhaps there is no need for lengthy discussion, if you simply say to him that "Based on some clues you suspect he may still be using drugs. If he is you hope he gets some help to get off the drugs considering his has children to take care of." And then state your bottom line. Somthing like "If you are taking drugs then I will _______." Personally, even though you love him and have intentions to marry I would step back and undo the engagement until he is clean for an XX period of time. He needs to know you are not willing to be in his life if drugs are too. Best of Luck to you. This is not easy for you.

laketime

Juliet, three things come to my mind. Run,Run,Run. If you have never lived around or in active addiction you are lucky. My addict is my son. Read the sticky at the top titled what addicts do. It describes my son perfectly. It also describes your fiancee if he's an addict. If you have a chance not to be involved in active addiction , take it, never look back, find someone new. I wish father's couls find new sons but it doesnt work that way. He's mine, I have few options, You have lots of options.

splendra

Hey Juliet-

Welcome! You say he has been using pot for a while. If you have known about this since the beginning of your relationship he may feel like he is being "honest " with you...and he would use that against you if you try to get confrontational with him.

I am suggesting you try to get cut and dry with this and get some distance right away. Do some reading so you will be informed about what you are up against.

If you decide to stay with him I want to warn you to keep an eye on your wallet and your small valuables cause it is expensive to raise a family and do dope at the same time. Addicts I have known will use their kids to get money out of their friends and family for dope.

If you want to give him a chance I feel for you...

Jannt1999

He has a fair amount of money, owns his own place and has investments. I'm not sure how he sits financialy, other than what I can see.
I talked to him on the phone tonight and asked him about the plastic thing in his pocket that I saw saturday, (the jeans were hanging on the back of his bathroom door by the bathroom sink). He said it was from a long time ago when I had found out before.. I told him I don't beleive him cuz the last time I knew about the coke was in sept or oct and he bought the jeans that were on the door in dec.. I was hoping he would tell me the truth. Or maybe that is the truth but I can't see that being the truth.

hope213

welcome to S.R. you are in a good place to find recovery for you. only you can decide if you want to go this long, hard road with a man you are not married to. my son is my addict. they will not stop using no matter what until they decide too. my son has been using since 21, he is now 36.he started with alcohol at 17. you can not love them enough to make them stay clean. your choice to stay or leave. it is only going to get worse. prayers,

little_lionness

Hi julet32, welcome to SR.

My husband is recovering addict (RAH). He was addicted to coke and crack. It started to be occasionnal use then progress to be a terrible addiction. I went though hell and back. You need to find what you want, to set your boundary. If you stay with him, you need to stick to your principles. Even if he stops using one day, you need to know that it's not the end of it. My RAH doesn't use anymore,he's been clean for 2 years 1/2 but he still have an addictive personnality. There was so much lies in our relationship that trust is hard to regain. I'm not sure I will be able to re-trust him completely. I has know everything that was going I would have run.

Stay strong, hugs,

mjpaao

juliet,
My ah also had his own business, money, and investments. I found out about his coke/crack addiction after he left me 4 years ago for the town coke queen. I didn't divorce him, I insisted that someday he would get clean, come home, and I would get over the other woman. Well, his business was auctioned off, at a fraction of what it was worth. The stocks are gone, the money is gone, and I'm still here alone, with piles of bills and tax bills.
He has come here recently, and often, Now that everything else is gone, he's decided to use a property very close to my home that we own. He lets himself into my barn, I never changed those locks. The arrogance he has amazes me. I have no more health insurance, and he let all of his life insurance lapse.
My ah also started with years of pot use, which I knew about. I NEVER expected that after 35 years with him, something like this could happen.
Think about this very carefully, juliet. My prayers are with you, beleive me, it's a very scary life trying to deal with addiction.

Jannt1999

Hi All.. well.. since last time I posted, I have given him a ultimatum to get help or there will be no future for us. He says he's been smoking pot for 30 years and that he doesn't think it's a big deal.. At this point, he still doesn't think he has a problem and has admited to doing some coke last friday and saturday. Occording to him it was the only time in ages. I told him I don't beleive him and that we can't have a relationship in which I can't trust him. He says he won't go to NA cuz he went once years ago when I asked him to and he said he didn't feel like he should be there and that he wasn't an addict. He asked me what other kind of help he's supposed to get at my request.. I told him that he's the one that's gonna have to decide that and look into it... So we will see what happens.

splendra

If how he chooses to live his life is not in harmony with how you choose to live your life you do not have any obligation to put up with his choices.

I am glad that you don't live with him at least you have your space.

His using is obviously not a problem for him but it is for you. Who needs to change?

Cupicake

i wish i had the foresight and knowledge you are gaining from this site before i got married. although i have to be honest...i don't know if it would've made a difference. you know how we could be blinded sometimes because we never think we could be thrown into a made for tv lifetime movie. i got married in 2002. He progressed from drinking to drinking and doing coke to doing coke and crack. I knew of his addiction to drinking before marriage but my ignorance and naive-ness to what addiction really is and does to someone carried me through into marriage. From 2002 to 2006 I went through he** and back again. When it started progressing it progressed very quickly.
You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and are very aware of the consequences of drug addiction...not just to the addict but to whoever else is involved with the addict. Life with an active addict is no walk in the park...it's full of lies, abandonment, financial instability, emotional turmoil...(well...you get the point).

It's true what they say...."Look out for numero uno". Whatever decision you make, make sure it is the best one for you.