sickatheart

My daughter is gone....a monster walks in her shoes and wears her clothes......

I am pining for the beautiful baby girl whom, I loved with every ounce of my being.

I am pining for the little girl with the smiling face.

I am pining for the beautiful, sweat intelligent young girl who used to be my daughter.

My daughter has been replaced with this selfish, self centered, lying,thieving monster called Heroin!!

My daughter has been on the streets for 11 days and nights with addict B/F
(by her choice) and every day this monster has hold of her a small piece of me dies, little by little with no end in sight.

I haven't seen "my daughter" in a very long time.....and I miss her!

Please pray for Kristina, pray for her to find her way to recovery!

Thanks

Sickatheart


M

caileesnana

:sorry you are hurting so badly tonight. I know the feelings, the memories and the gut wrenching pain. Someone told me on this forum months ago that my daughter was still in there, just way down. The drugs are controling her right now, but she is still in there. THere is hope. People can and do recover every day--this forum is full of wonderful people who have helped me who are parents as well as recovering addicts, some are both.

The bad part is that until Kris wants help, you let go and let God. You need to be strong for when she returns, you need to learn how to truly help her. The only way is to help yourself. Sounds corny, huh? I thought so, but it does work.

Try and find something good or postiive. Read some AlAnon or Codependency material. Go to The Hazelton Group and look around. They have daily readings that I receive by email. There is help there for you and Kris--but both of you have to reach out to get it!

love and prayers for you both,
susan

BayAreaPhoenix

:praying

Lynette57

I have been where you are, just a year ago.

I laid awake night after night slowly losing my own mind and health....

I then one morning at 5 am after being awake all night put her in God's hands.

Things immediately got worse. (I thought).

The next 6 weeks almost took her life.

But today, she is working and getting up everyday, and trying to stay clean.

I let God take over and I stood down.

It wasnt easy, but I have another child who was being left behind.

He was heading in the right direction. I had to make a choice.

The best thing I can tell you is to turn off your phone at night and do what you need to sleep.

Make yourself eat. Let your husband take care of you and realize he is hurting too but he and your other children feel like they are losing there mother and partner.

I had to let go.

But it never meant I didn't love her.

Keep coming here, especially in your really dark moments.

When my baby girl got clean she told me she never cared or meant to hurt anyone. All she cared about was the drug.

But do sleep, that for me was the one thing that started me into that dark place.


God bless.

aztchr

Praying for your daughter and all who are affected!
My sister is out there, too.

Take care of yourself! I love this thought posted by Ann, I think...We have to keep our light shining so they can find their way out of the dark! (It's not word for word, but the message is helping me.)

sleepygoat

I know how much this sucks. I had to go thru the grieving process with my 19 y/0 AD too and it took damn near a year to feel anything like normal. These days, I'm OK for many days in a row, sometimes a few weeks and then I get depressed/sad/fearful/angry all over again though it doesn't last as long. For the first year that she was 'out there' using, though, it was hell. I was fortunate that I had many people I could share my feelings with and they were supportive and everybody prayed and still does for me and my daughter. You certainly can share here whenever you need to. I will echo what Susan said, that she is really still in there - and that there is always hope. It's a terrible disease, no matter which end of it you are on, but addicts do recover and moms of addicts do learn how to go on with their own lives. I look at it this way; If I stayed constantly in the pain and suffering, or spent all my time trying to save her, the disease of addiction would have me its grip, too. Well, sometimes it does have me, too - but I'm learning to let go to the best of my ability - today was a pretty good day, for example but wed. thru Friday of last week sucked!
I'll pray for you and she both.

BigSis

((Sickatheart)) I think I wrote that exact same post about three years ago. I was in So much pain! Both my kids are addicts, my daughter's drug of choice was meth... what an ugly drug.

What a friend in Alanon finally pointed out to me, and believe me, this was NOT easy for me to hear...

My grief was for the future *I* had planned for my little girl. *I* had dreamed of college and a good job and great husband and no more living in a working class economy. MY kids were going to break out!

The problem was, it was MY dream... and only mine. I grieved the loss of that dream for a very, very long time. I switched from anger to rage to despair to depression and back again.

When I finally understood what being "powerless" meant... (first step of the 12-steps: Admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable), I was finally able to get some peace.

For me, this came by attending a LOT of Alanon meetings face to face. There I met a lot of parents of addicts/alcoholics who were or had been down the same path as me. I learned that I really could let my kids go, not rescue them, not save them..... but allow them the dignity to learn the lessons that addiction brings.


As a mom, I have long been in "protection" mode. How many of us have thought of ourselves as "Mama Bear" or "Mother Hen" and our chicks? We kept them fed, clean, dry, safe and sound. We taught them how sing, to read, to ride and which fork to use.

But somewhere along the way, I forgot I was supposed to teach them how to fall.... and we do that by not catching them. Just like on the bike... it is important for them to figure it out themselves. We cannot keep running along side, because after a while, neither of us is riding anything.

My daughter is clean from meth today. She is still struggling in other ways, but she is far stronger, far more experienced in the world, far more able to handle life than I was at 21. She has learned things I could not teach her.

Addiction taught me about letting go. To do that, I came to believe in a power greater than myself. And that took time.... and lots of meetings.

I wish you the best.

((hugs))

Spiritual Seeker

Prayers for Kristina
I know exactly how you feel.
It is a tough job to get our equilibrium, peace of mind and joy when our kids are addicts.
Our struggle is to find a way to "be okay" no matter how they are living.
It is a struggle, but it is one we must work at to be all that we are meant to be and not lose our own potential.

Ann

Meetings saved my life and they can save yours.

Prayers for your daughter and all of you.

Hugs

marle

Sending prayers that you can find some peace. I have been where you are and it almost led me to take my own life I was so full of despair. Instead I turned to the good people here, made myself an appointment with a therapist and started to live "one day at a time". I gave my daughter to God and practiced having faith. It is not easy but it is possible to do. Making yourself sick will not help your daughter. My daughter has told me that she never wants to hurt me, that she remembers the wonderful mother that I am and that what she is doing is NOT personal. Took me a long time to finally embrace those truths. Hugs, Marle

Impurrfect

Sending you, Kristina, and the rest of the family hugs and prayers.

If it makes you feel any better, my dad could have probably written the same post some time ago. The drugs get such a hold on us, we can't think of anything else. I never stopped loving my family, and I hated what I put them through, but the dope would make those feelings go away...for a while. What everyone else above says is true...it's not personal. I can promise you that even though it hurts you like hell, she is not doing it to hurt you.

When I got clean, I was being sick and tired of being sick and tired, I got locked up, and I wanted to be a part of my family again. I knew my family would not tolerate me using and will totally let me deal with all my consequences. The consequences just got too bad and I got worn down. Getting high wasn't fun any more.

Please take care of you. My family has gone through my addiction, as well as those of my stepbrother and stepsister. The fact that they gave us all moral support but continued to live THEIR life, is something I admire. Even though my dad and I have our differences, and things are often rocky, I see how he dealt with my addiction and I realize that if he could go through knowing his only child was out on the streets using crack, not knowing if I was dead or alive, and keep going, then there is nothing I can't get through. If I had dragged him down into my addiction any more than I did, I don't think I could forgive myself.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

bookmiser

(((((((((SickAtHeart))))))))))

greeteachday

Prayers for Kristina and for you too...It hurts so much, doesn't it to see your child in the clutches of addiction.

sickatheart

I just wanted to thank all of you for all of your thoughts, advice and prayers.

This is sooo hard! My daughter just called and wants me to take her to a hospital for help. She says she doesn't want to do drugs anymore.

Ok, we'll see(lol). I know I Should have just hung up but, I reluctantly agreed. I hope they can help her and she gets herself into a rehab.

I am trying to stay stong. Wish me luck

Love to all of you,

sickatheart

lil516

(((Blessings)))

You and your daughter are in my prayers