VanessaLee13

You need to do for you what would make you happy. If you feel you can't live with their addiction anymore (recovering or active), then that is your decision to make. I can't tell you how to feel, but in my opinion, you shouldn't feel guilty. Take care of yourself. You can't live for your significant other.
<3, Vanessa

littlebird77

of course. I felt when he was in rehab was the best time to leave. That way when he found out, he could not overdose and kill himself (He had overdosed many times). I felt guilty because here he was getting clean and I just did not want to continue with all the drama. I did not leave him and he has slipped a few times. I kicked him out of my home. (He was living with me.) I honestly don't know what to do at this point... But, yes I have had that feeling of leaving while they are in a rehab.

lightseeker

I wouldn't feel guilty. With him away you are having the opportunity to see what it is like to live without the drama and the chaos. I'd like it too. I've found that RAH getting sober was just the tip of the iceberg. Recovery is a long road to hoe. Your first responsibility is to yourself and your feelings. I definitely can understand why you are feeling this way.

I also go by the saying "if in doubt, don't". What are the ways that you could satisfy any lingering doubts that you might be having? Counselling? Meetings? Etc. No right answer just suggestions.

I ended a marriage at the time that my ex finally decided to reach for recovery. By then, I was just done. He kept saying "but this time I mean it". Well, he meant it every other time he said it too...but it never worked. If you do what you know to be what is best for you then be true to yourself. If it turns that you just need time apart and you want to see how it goes - that's fine.

I think that all of your feelings sound pretty normal to me.

Take care of yourself! Donna

SerenitySeaker

You have to decide what you want your life to be like. Rehab is only the first step in a long journey not a magic cure to the problem.

When my AH went to rehab my heart was full of hope and lets just say it hasn't turned out anything like I ever could have imagined. Almost 5 years later and I am still struggling with the same issues of letting go and moving on. But alas, it is time for me to do so, any maybe it is for you too, but only you can answer that.

I hope you can find peace in whatever decision you make.

littlebird77

((((dogged))))

you are not alone with your thoughts.

splendra

I can certainly understand why you feel the way you do about leaving. With out the drama I am sure things look a lot different. I think if i were in your situation I would feel the same way. I even somewhat wish I was in your situation. I feel awful cause I keep praying my H will get busted....

lightseeker

hello again -

when addicts substitue or "make do" with another drug (alcohol) instead of their DOC it is just a matter of time before you return to what "does it" for you. Clean means clean....not using any substance to alter mood. I wouldn't want to deal with the potential/vigilence either.

My RAH believed for years that the only problem that he had was with cocaine/crack. As long as he could stay away from that then it was all good. Well, the thing is, other substances lower your inhibitions and smooth the way to getting back to the substance that is most desired. He never was able to stay sober with that concept. Does he have the same problem/desire for alcohol that he does for crack? Nope. However, it truly is a gateway drug for him.

A psychiatrist that I work with one time asked me "would you rather be in a train wreck or watch one?" Both suck - but one sucks more.

Use this time to take excellent care of yourself. Keep a journal of how you feel w/o the day to day nature of addiction in your home. I know you love him but be clear about what is real and what are hopes and dreams. I, myself, have spent a lot of my adult life in love with elusions and what I want it to be and not really what it actually is. I tired of being in love with potential.

You are not alone - Donna

justanothrdrunk

This happens lots.

SO/Family tells addict anything to get them into treatment and then changes tune once they are there. I don't know how often "lots" is, but I've seen it enough happen to others while in tx.

I have mixed feelings. I personally don't get bent out of shape if that's the plan. After all, rehab is life-saving. Do what it takes to get them there.

What I don't get is when the SO changes their tune. And I'm not judging here. It's just something I don't understand. It happened to a really good friend of mine. He took it very well and everything.

I suppose part of it (if not all of it) is how you feel now that you know your SO is in a safe place and suddenly your life seems so much simpler and happy. Is it because the SO is safe or are things really better without them?

I don't know if that makes sense or not...

holdingouthope

Hi dogged - my husband is an addict and alcoholic. for awhile he thought he could drink but not use alcohol. What he has told me since then is that he knows that at the bottom of that glass of wine/bottle of beer there is a little baggie of coke waiting for him. It's a slippery slope.

On the subject of leaving while in rehab...the choice is yours to make. I left mine after he came out of rehab and relapsed. He is now at a halfway house and doing quite well. For a long time I thought leaving him meant severing ties all together. Now I'm not so sure it has to be all or nothing. I am ready to move on, but he is still a person I care deeply about and want to see happy and healthy. Just my experience...

good luck.

SoberAndy

I saw a man in family group once at a rehab where his wife was. He talked about how he was working, doing all the housework and taking care of the kids. His seventeen year was picking up some of the chores because his wife didn't do anything and he couldn't trust her to drive. I later heard that he left her.

I don't know how accurate his story was, but if it was, I have to ask what he was getting out of this marriage and why he shouldn't leave.

No time is a good time to leave someone. It's probably better if they are in rehab where they have some support.

MrsMagoo

When my AH went to rehab, so many people told me "leave him now" "leave him now" but I felt like if I did, I would be a huge trader (because of course he went into rehab for me - yeah right). Now 2 months later, he's left me. Now, I like to be the one to get the last word in and I like things to happen in my time so this is all pretty devastating and your topic hits pretty close to home. I don't know what to tell you without sounding bitter and I almost didn't respond.

Follow your gut and listen to your loved ones. Have you changed in any way? Do you feel peace and sleep better cause you know he's away and safe? I did. I wish I had listened that way it would have been on my terms.

Best of luck - you'll get more input from much wiser souls than mine.:sorry

Babs

I "stood by my man" 7 years ago when he went through a 6-month residential rehab. Unfortunately, he played the game for the six months knowing full-well that he could go right back home to his old friends, his old habits, and his old addictions.......and did! He got in trouble at one point for having a credit card in his wallet.......it cost him two extra weeks in rehab......and when I asked him why he had it when he knew he wasn't supposed to, he looked at me like I had two heads and answered, "because I didn't think I'd get caught!"

That was the moment that I got it. He was just talking the talk, and had no intention of walking the walk. He didn't have to. I was still there picking up the pieces of his life.

Last year he was in jail again (arrest #7) and I went ahead and divorced him.....(based on the "it's about me, not him" principal.) Well, all of a sudden he GOT it. His life was going to change radically. I wasn't there any more to pay his bills and clean up his messes and cover his behavior in front of the kids. This time when they sent him to rehab, he actually started to pay attention.

He is in a half way house now and doing better than I've ever seen. Perhaps you need to realize that sometimes leaving them is the best thing you can do for THEM, too.

It is never easy to divorce them, but think of this opportunity as a gift from your HP......I did.

Good luck.
Babs