Newbie to the forums not to loving addicts
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: newport, ri
Posts: 7
Newbie to the forums not to loving addicts
Hi everyone~~
Not really sure where to start because my family puts the "fun" in dysfunctional. The Manson family looks tame by our standards. My parents were both methadone addicts. My mom passed 4 yrs ago from complications of Hep C and drinking, my dad still uses. They called it maintence I call it addiction. My aunt, uncle, sister and brother all were on the "clinic" with them. I grew up thinking a lifestyle where parents leave every morning at 6am to get their "dose" was normal. Didn't everyones family do this??
Then I became a teenager and realized this was not normal so I experiment and learned drugs were fun. I met my husband when I was 16 and we partied hard, BUT I would never touch heroin. I just couldn't bring myself to. I got knocked up at 17 and dad spent my 1st 2 trimesters in a xanex induced coma. See my parents weren't picky... Dad could take an entire script of xanex or klonopin in 2 days. He had doctors up and down the state and some 2 states over.
Getting preg was my stopping point I put everything into being a better parent then I had. Things were great I was in love with high school sweetheart had a beautiful daughter but I was living at my parents taking care of thier bills, and house cuz at this point both were on SSI.. Mom for back pain dad for substance abuse. Then I got preg with my son and when I was 8 mos preg my husband dropped the bomb on me...
My dad was shooting him up, my brother was copping dope for him, my mom and aunt were selling them pills. Cuz as an addict knows its easier to deal with your addiction if you have friends... Your not so bad if everyone else is doing the same thing.
I was floored here I was 8 months preg with a high risk pregnancy and everyone around me was high as a kite. He went on methadone cuz thats what everyone does in my family. But I told him it was a detox only. I still don't know if my husband was sober for our sons birth. Even tho he says he was. But I hid my "dirty" secret... HUbby was a manager at a popular restaurant and everyone loved him.
We stayed at my parents for 6 more months then I had to leave and seperate myself from the pill swapping, methadone sharing, vicodan selling house of hell.
I severed all ties with my mom, dad, brother, aunt and uncle. My sister was already prostituting out in cali so she was already cut off. During this time hubby detoxed off methadone and we resumed our lives for 2 happy yrs. Til my mom died from acute acetaminaphen overdose due to liver failure from her Hep c. I never got a chance to say goodbye to get a hug nothing. The last thing she heard was me telling her neither I nor my kids would have anything to do with her til she was clean.
We lived a sober life for the next 3 yrs til hubby was hospitilized a blood infection that almost killed him, the hospital stay was 10 days off round the clock iv pain meds. You can prob guess what happened... It kicked off the last 10 months of my life, hubby relapsed starting with vicodan then snorting oxies then shooting them. It hit a head in Marh when he went back on methadone to get "clean" but all it did was make it worse. He got high from the early doses and binged on heroin. He totaled our car and lost his job... He spent the next 8 months in a depression until he decided to kick methadone.
that was a week ago... At least his last dose was... the wihdrawls were horrific, but this time my kids weren't babies, our daughter is almost 12 she could see it, smell it hear it. And finally at this point I couldn't take it. Methadone was a band-aid, he never really got treatment. He took his dose but never got to the reasons behind why. I put my foot down on thurs and said go to detox or we are leaving. He refused, i didn't sleep and finally on Sat he relented. Finding help was a bitch... No one would take him cuz methadone is legal, so finally he went in under a suicide attempt.
The 1st night he was gone it felt like I had a 5000 lbs rock lifted off my shoulder, I thought he would detox and go into a 21 day program... Ohh hahaha my insurance only covers in-patient rehab if out patient fails. So tom he comes home and I'm scared to death... He has to do intensive 8 hr out patient with AA, NA and 1 on 1. He says this time is different he wants to be well... I want to believe him but I have spent 10 yrs being his mother not his partner or lover. I just feel lost. I want to hope that this time with getting to the root it will be the last but my up-bringing screams that this is his way of life. I want to stop the cycle for my daughter.. I had a junkie father ended up with a junky, I don't want her repeating the past.
I am hoping I can find some support here and some friends going thru the same thing.
Love & Light:
c002:
Reagan
Not really sure where to start because my family puts the "fun" in dysfunctional. The Manson family looks tame by our standards. My parents were both methadone addicts. My mom passed 4 yrs ago from complications of Hep C and drinking, my dad still uses. They called it maintence I call it addiction. My aunt, uncle, sister and brother all were on the "clinic" with them. I grew up thinking a lifestyle where parents leave every morning at 6am to get their "dose" was normal. Didn't everyones family do this??
Then I became a teenager and realized this was not normal so I experiment and learned drugs were fun. I met my husband when I was 16 and we partied hard, BUT I would never touch heroin. I just couldn't bring myself to. I got knocked up at 17 and dad spent my 1st 2 trimesters in a xanex induced coma. See my parents weren't picky... Dad could take an entire script of xanex or klonopin in 2 days. He had doctors up and down the state and some 2 states over.
Getting preg was my stopping point I put everything into being a better parent then I had. Things were great I was in love with high school sweetheart had a beautiful daughter but I was living at my parents taking care of thier bills, and house cuz at this point both were on SSI.. Mom for back pain dad for substance abuse. Then I got preg with my son and when I was 8 mos preg my husband dropped the bomb on me...
My dad was shooting him up, my brother was copping dope for him, my mom and aunt were selling them pills. Cuz as an addict knows its easier to deal with your addiction if you have friends... Your not so bad if everyone else is doing the same thing.
I was floored here I was 8 months preg with a high risk pregnancy and everyone around me was high as a kite. He went on methadone cuz thats what everyone does in my family. But I told him it was a detox only. I still don't know if my husband was sober for our sons birth. Even tho he says he was. But I hid my "dirty" secret... HUbby was a manager at a popular restaurant and everyone loved him.
We stayed at my parents for 6 more months then I had to leave and seperate myself from the pill swapping, methadone sharing, vicodan selling house of hell.
I severed all ties with my mom, dad, brother, aunt and uncle. My sister was already prostituting out in cali so she was already cut off. During this time hubby detoxed off methadone and we resumed our lives for 2 happy yrs. Til my mom died from acute acetaminaphen overdose due to liver failure from her Hep c. I never got a chance to say goodbye to get a hug nothing. The last thing she heard was me telling her neither I nor my kids would have anything to do with her til she was clean.
We lived a sober life for the next 3 yrs til hubby was hospitilized a blood infection that almost killed him, the hospital stay was 10 days off round the clock iv pain meds. You can prob guess what happened... It kicked off the last 10 months of my life, hubby relapsed starting with vicodan then snorting oxies then shooting them. It hit a head in Marh when he went back on methadone to get "clean" but all it did was make it worse. He got high from the early doses and binged on heroin. He totaled our car and lost his job... He spent the next 8 months in a depression until he decided to kick methadone.
that was a week ago... At least his last dose was... the wihdrawls were horrific, but this time my kids weren't babies, our daughter is almost 12 she could see it, smell it hear it. And finally at this point I couldn't take it. Methadone was a band-aid, he never really got treatment. He took his dose but never got to the reasons behind why. I put my foot down on thurs and said go to detox or we are leaving. He refused, i didn't sleep and finally on Sat he relented. Finding help was a bitch... No one would take him cuz methadone is legal, so finally he went in under a suicide attempt.
The 1st night he was gone it felt like I had a 5000 lbs rock lifted off my shoulder, I thought he would detox and go into a 21 day program... Ohh hahaha my insurance only covers in-patient rehab if out patient fails. So tom he comes home and I'm scared to death... He has to do intensive 8 hr out patient with AA, NA and 1 on 1. He says this time is different he wants to be well... I want to believe him but I have spent 10 yrs being his mother not his partner or lover. I just feel lost. I want to hope that this time with getting to the root it will be the last but my up-bringing screams that this is his way of life. I want to stop the cycle for my daughter.. I had a junkie father ended up with a junky, I don't want her repeating the past.
I am hoping I can find some support here and some friends going thru the same thing.
Love & Light:
c002:
Reagan
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Athens, TN
Posts: 8
I sincerely feel for you. I am sure that you will find the support that you need. I was addicted to oxycontin for five years and I have also said I was quitting countless times and everytime it was always "this time is different", this is the first time I am not saying it exactly like that. For the first time I honestly want to quit for myself. To better my life. I hope that your husband feels this way to. Just remember it's not him or even your family that you detest, it's the drug that you hate.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
reagan, my heart goes out to you. you are in the right place.welcome to S.R. we are a group that all love an addict. my addict is my son & my grandson. stick around & read all the post.read the stickys at the top of the forum. we are here for you.there is nothing you can do for your husband if he does not want to get clean but there is a lot of recovery for you. i admire you for being the person you are after growing up in a house as you did.find a naranon meeting & try them. keep coming back. hugs & prayers,
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
s21,
your post is so moving.
many here have much experience, more than i do, and will be along with good feedback. but i want you to know that i admire you and wish for you the life God made you for.
if you can make some time for your connection to a higher power, i think that is what will help carry you through this. 12 step meetings can help. but if you can't get to them, then reading their literature can. nar-anon offers literature for sale online. the pamphets are just a few dollars and have made a real impact on me. there is a deep wisdom and peace in them. when we are losing everything, our soul is all we have left. for me, that is what matters most: a principled, loving life. sounds like you care most about that, too.
peace to your heart as you find your way. do take care and never give up.
your post is so moving.
many here have much experience, more than i do, and will be along with good feedback. but i want you to know that i admire you and wish for you the life God made you for.
if you can make some time for your connection to a higher power, i think that is what will help carry you through this. 12 step meetings can help. but if you can't get to them, then reading their literature can. nar-anon offers literature for sale online. the pamphets are just a few dollars and have made a real impact on me. there is a deep wisdom and peace in them. when we are losing everything, our soul is all we have left. for me, that is what matters most: a principled, loving life. sounds like you care most about that, too.
peace to your heart as you find your way. do take care and never give up.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
Reagan. Wow! You have really been there and back. I think you will find many words of wisdom, comfort and guidance here! I am just learning about this process myself, and truly, coming here has been such a blessing. Good luck to you and all you have to think about! Take care of yourself, and keep on your path for what you want for yourself and your children - you are worth it!!!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Hackettstown, NJ
Posts: 692
Let him know what your boundaries are and that you mean it (I think you do). this was helpful to me (still is) when I got clean 4 years ago after a relapse. My husband is gone if I use again, period. If he gets suspicious he will urine test me, no ifs, ands, or buts. I was not resentful, I was and am relieved because this particular consequence is one I don't want - so I 'think it through' when I have those thoughts about using (like addicts are prone to have) and I don't pick it up. in the meantime, hang out here and you will be amazed at the amount of support you get, every step of the way.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: newport, ri
Posts: 7
just feeling lost
I am so scared that once home after talking a good talk about wanting to be clean that that is all it will be.. A talk...
After all the yrs of our marriage when I told him to go last weekend it was the 1st and only time I ever meant it. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired and angry. I feel like thats all I ever am..
I'm so stressed all the time and in my kids eyes he is Mr' Perfect and I am just the mean one, the one always in a bad mood because every part of our lives is my responsability. And detaching with love???? How the hell do I do that??
I have always been the one in control not just with him but with my entire family.
I just feel so lost
thank you for the warm welcomes
After all the yrs of our marriage when I told him to go last weekend it was the 1st and only time I ever meant it. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired and angry. I feel like thats all I ever am..
I'm so stressed all the time and in my kids eyes he is Mr' Perfect and I am just the mean one, the one always in a bad mood because every part of our lives is my responsability. And detaching with love???? How the hell do I do that??
I have always been the one in control not just with him but with my entire family.
I just feel so lost
thank you for the warm welcomes
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in my own world~
Posts: 1,237
Hi Reagan, I hope you can find some serenity in your life hon. You sure could use it. This site is wonderful and if you have friends that can watch your children~~get to an alanon meeting in your area. That would help you tremendously. Welcome to the site. I'm kind of new here also with a son that does cocaine. This craziness has got to stop....and I love your train of thought. Your kids should be #1...Big hugs, Bonnie
remember to breathe
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: philadelphia pa
Posts: 1,280
Geez, talk about "been around the world and back" but ya know what, you sound good.
As long as you know what you want in life and you go out and get it. Your husbands problemis just that, his. You have your boundaries in place and stick by them. If you choose to leave him, you certainly have every right to do so without guilt.
Teach your children the things you have been through so that they know it's not normal.
You'll do just fine, you've had alot of practice.
Good luck
As long as you know what you want in life and you go out and get it. Your husbands problemis just that, his. You have your boundaries in place and stick by them. If you choose to leave him, you certainly have every right to do so without guilt.
Teach your children the things you have been through so that they know it's not normal.
You'll do just fine, you've had alot of practice.
Good luck
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