Need Advice
 

Hi everyone, I just need to bounce something off those of you who have any insight. I feel I must preface this with the fact that almost everyone in my family, including me, is an addict. My brother, in particular, is still majorly out of control. He doesn't speak to any of us, and sadly I don't mind that at this point.

So...last week all us kids went to my Gpa's 90th. My bro was there and it was mostly awful. He was high and aggressive the whole time. We checked into a hotel and he only had cash for the room, but not enough to cover the deposit.

What I should have done was let him figure it out or sleep in his truck. In stead, I of course said, "just give me the cash, I'll use my card." Dun, dun, dun! Lo and behold, he trashed the room. Then he didn't "feel well enough" to go to breakfast with everyone the next day. So he checks out after we had already gone and I just bought a $250 lesson in something I already knew. DAMMIT!!!

My question is this: I know the money is gone. Definately my bad. I really want to call him out though. In my head I feel like it would be a waste of time, but I thought perhaps there may be a way to do it that I don't know about? Should I just write it off, or is there some way to feel vindicated? Thanks.:codiepolice

I'll give you my OPINION, but don't take it as ADVICE -- because I have a very hard time letting things like this go but, the older I get, the less I think that's a good characteristic.

Write him a demand letter. Either send it certified mail, or make him sign a copy when you give it to him. Give him a deadline, or a payment schedule you'll accept. Don't get emotional in the letter, just be matter-of-fact - you could even sound a little "gentle," which couldn't hurt you in the next step. If he doesn't pay, take him to small claims court. It'll cost you, and it's a stressful process, but it's holding him to his obligation.

I have been lucky to have never been in a FINANCIAL conflict with an addict, so I'm probably not the best person to offer an opinion on this...

KayM

you can probley kiss that money good bye & count it as a lesson learned. that is my opinion. other may think different.

Thanks to both of you, I appreciate your thoughts. I have calmed down some and I do know that I should just count it as a lesson learned. I'm just so pissed...

simplesyrup,
honestly, I would probably let it go. Many addicts deep down are very ashamed of the things they have done and the people that they have hurt. Us furthering their guilt in general doesn't help, but just hurts ourselves because we are hurt when they don't change at our prodings. I would try to just politely refuse to help in the future. Perhaps one day he will be a leading a sober life and will come to you to make amends.
Pray for that!

I'm going to disagree on this. Go to small claims court and get the judgement, it is good for 10 years.

He's counting on you not doing that, the bit in the hotel at the check in was 'silent manipulation.' getting a judgement isnot that big a deal and HOLDS HIM ACCOUNTABLE FOR HIS ACTIONS. Someday.

Not getting a judgement, which by the way will include the cost of getting the judgement and a small amount of interest, in my mind is still enabling.

And, I am clean and sober since 6/81 and in alanon since 6/84.

I am firmly convinced that had my family stopped enabling me sooner I probably would have gotten sober and clean sooner.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

I'm with the small claims court option. Yeah, its effort and energy on your part but it will send a strong message - and also, ummm, don't stay in any more hotel rooms, share rides, or anything else that implies he is a normal human being right now and you won't get disappointed next time.

Thanks, sleepygoat. It's normally not an issue since he lives far away and doesn't speak to anyone. He just happened to decide to come to the birthday dinner for some reason.

I actually just found out that he was arrested again on drug and weapon charges. This is his third strike, so I don't know what is going to happen... suddenly the room charges seem laughable compared to the current situation.