breaking the cycle?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: BFE, Oklahoma
Posts: 6
breaking the cycle?
I decided to start dating a long time friend of mine shortly after he returned home from 8 months in a rehab facility for abusing oxycontin. In the beginning it was pretty casual, and I didn't think much about whether he was still using/abusing substances because I never saw him actually do it. Alas, the drugs became a problem again, and knowing that he would be unable to lead a very healthy, or normal life otherwise, he decided to find help.
He enrolled in the local methadone clinic. I believed that with him on the methadone, he would no longer need to remain in contact with all the people he'd spent countless hours trying to get drugs from before. With the help of his grandparents he was able to pay off all the people he still owed money from before his stint in rehab, assuming that this would fix most of the problem as they were calling repeatedly demanding to be paid. I hoped the phone calls, the texts, the hour long drives in hopes of finding drugs would end. And they did, until he discovered that mixing his methadone w/ benzos like xanax was quite a bit like taking oc, which was the problem to begin with. Because he had been prescribed xanax for anxiety disorder before starting the clinic he believes he's justified in taking the xanax. However, I know that the reason he takes it when he does (right after his methadone) is because it gets him high. Shortly there after it was back to square one.
Now he's telling me that I knew he was an addict when we became friends, well before we ever started dating (and now are engaged). I understand that addiction is a disease but at the same time I know that he can be the king of manipulation. I know that without the drugs he'll be sick for a while, and i've told him i'm willing to do whatever I can to make him as comfortable as possible while he detoxes. He buys enough pills to last for a few days, puts them in his methadone bottle with his daily dose and then gives it to me, warning me that under no circumstances should i give him more than he has in his bottle for that particular day. It never fails, he's able to whine and come up with reasons until it is virtually impossible not to give him another xanax to make him stop or help him sleep. The next day when he realizes that he took more than he had allotted himself, it always becomes my fault. I shouldn't have given it to him...and then he has to find more to replace what he took and it never stops. Unfortunately "friends" of his are more than happy to front him drugs, or trade for his methadone, so the cycle of money owing never stops.
Ultimately, I know that I love this boy more than I ever knew it was possible to love someone. He has a good, stable job, and has been promoted twice in the last 3 months. His drug problems are evident only to those who know him quite well, because in his mind he takes the drugs to function. Days when he has only his methadone and no xanax are no fun though. He's moody, anxious, and his bad feelings are contagious. I want him happy, but I also want him sober, and healthy. I would just really like some advice on how to help him break this cycle. I made a commitment to him, and I'm prepared to ride it out for better, or worse. I'm just hoping it's for better.
He enrolled in the local methadone clinic. I believed that with him on the methadone, he would no longer need to remain in contact with all the people he'd spent countless hours trying to get drugs from before. With the help of his grandparents he was able to pay off all the people he still owed money from before his stint in rehab, assuming that this would fix most of the problem as they were calling repeatedly demanding to be paid. I hoped the phone calls, the texts, the hour long drives in hopes of finding drugs would end. And they did, until he discovered that mixing his methadone w/ benzos like xanax was quite a bit like taking oc, which was the problem to begin with. Because he had been prescribed xanax for anxiety disorder before starting the clinic he believes he's justified in taking the xanax. However, I know that the reason he takes it when he does (right after his methadone) is because it gets him high. Shortly there after it was back to square one.
Now he's telling me that I knew he was an addict when we became friends, well before we ever started dating (and now are engaged). I understand that addiction is a disease but at the same time I know that he can be the king of manipulation. I know that without the drugs he'll be sick for a while, and i've told him i'm willing to do whatever I can to make him as comfortable as possible while he detoxes. He buys enough pills to last for a few days, puts them in his methadone bottle with his daily dose and then gives it to me, warning me that under no circumstances should i give him more than he has in his bottle for that particular day. It never fails, he's able to whine and come up with reasons until it is virtually impossible not to give him another xanax to make him stop or help him sleep. The next day when he realizes that he took more than he had allotted himself, it always becomes my fault. I shouldn't have given it to him...and then he has to find more to replace what he took and it never stops. Unfortunately "friends" of his are more than happy to front him drugs, or trade for his methadone, so the cycle of money owing never stops.
Ultimately, I know that I love this boy more than I ever knew it was possible to love someone. He has a good, stable job, and has been promoted twice in the last 3 months. His drug problems are evident only to those who know him quite well, because in his mind he takes the drugs to function. Days when he has only his methadone and no xanax are no fun though. He's moody, anxious, and his bad feelings are contagious. I want him happy, but I also want him sober, and healthy. I would just really like some advice on how to help him break this cycle. I made a commitment to him, and I'm prepared to ride it out for better, or worse. I'm just hoping it's for better.
'Round and 'Round I Go....
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 478
Welcome...(I'm assuming you're new...I've never seen you before today) I'm sorry for what brought you here....
I'm going to cut to the chase....
You can't help him break the cycle...he needs to break it himself and he needs to do it when he is ready. Unfortunately, he will only be ready in his own time. When you try to help you will only be drawn into his cycle...which I think you already have been...
Put on your seatbelt (I'm not trying to be funny or sarcastic...I don't think you need that kind of response from me...I'm being truthful) because you may be in for a heck of a ride.
We always start out trying to help but we end up enabling. We can not love an addict into sobriety. We are not that powerful.
I'm going to cut to the chase....
You can't help him break the cycle...he needs to break it himself and he needs to do it when he is ready. Unfortunately, he will only be ready in his own time. When you try to help you will only be drawn into his cycle...which I think you already have been...
He buys enough pills to last for a few days, puts them in his methadone bottle with his daily dose and then gives it to me, warning me that under no circumstances should i give him more than he has in his bottle for that particular day. It never fails, he's able to whine and come up with reasons until it is virtually impossible not to give him another xanax to make him stop or help him sleep. The next day when he realizes that he took more than he had allotted himself, it always becomes my fault. I shouldn't have given it to him...
We always start out trying to help but we end up enabling. We can not love an addict into sobriety. We are not that powerful.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: New England
Posts: 82
I had no idea that mixing benzo's with methadone have that effect. I wonder if it does the same thing with Suboxone....
I had no idea why my ex was so focused on switching anxiety meds... now it all makes sense to me.....
I had no idea why my ex was so focused on switching anxiety meds... now it all makes sense to me.....
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
((((misslib)))
I wish I cold tell you do this or that and it will break his cycle of use. I think cupicake spelled it out pretty good though. It is his battle to win or loose not yours and the more involved you get in his stuff the crazier you will become.
Possibly it could help for you to back away from him and let him take his own medicine instead of expecting you to control his use. That is a well laid trap that is sure to make you nuts.
Give him space and yourself space so you can think clearly about what you are committed to.
I wish I cold tell you do this or that and it will break his cycle of use. I think cupicake spelled it out pretty good though. It is his battle to win or loose not yours and the more involved you get in his stuff the crazier you will become.
Possibly it could help for you to back away from him and let him take his own medicine instead of expecting you to control his use. That is a well laid trap that is sure to make you nuts.
Give him space and yourself space so you can think clearly about what you are committed to.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: ca
Posts: 103
Welcome misslib. I applaud your commitment. Cupicake hit the nail on the head. We are not powerful enough to break the cycle. Period. Almost everyone here has tried to, myself included. The best thing I did for myself when I became awake to the addiction was educate myself. I read a lot here, read books on addiciton and codependency, and most important of all started attending meetings (AlAnon, NarAnon, etc).
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
i just want to give you a warm welcome & let you know there are people here to help you with your recovery. your b.f. recovery is his. i suggest you go to meetings & keep coming back here. there is alot of info for you. i will say a pray for you & your b.f.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: BFE, Oklahoma
Posts: 6
i really appreciate all of the advice. it really helps to know that i'm not alone in all of this mess. i find myself pushing my family away because i'm scared they're going to realize what i've gotten myself into and freak out. i know they just have my best interest in mind, but the bf is right, i knew what he was when i picked him up. i don't want to give up. i know it's going to be hard, but i think it'll be well worth it.
i realize that part of the reason it phases me so much is because i realize that i'm an enabler and he knows that he is manipulative...and it doesn't do much for either one of us. fortunately we're able to talk about all of this and I think that's one of the main reasons i'm still with him. we have amazing chemistry. i could tell him anything, and he tells me everything. unfortunately it's sometimes things i don't want to hear.
i realize that part of the reason it phases me so much is because i realize that i'm an enabler and he knows that he is manipulative...and it doesn't do much for either one of us. fortunately we're able to talk about all of this and I think that's one of the main reasons i'm still with him. we have amazing chemistry. i could tell him anything, and he tells me everything. unfortunately it's sometimes things i don't want to hear.
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: NY
Posts: 2,859
As it has already been said YOU cannot love him clean, help him get clean, or make him want to be clean. He isnt ready to stop, he isnt ready to live life on lifes terms. I was addicted to pain pills and I took them to function towards the end NO matter how my drug problem interfered with my relationship or how many deep talks we had. I was NOT going to stop for him or anyone for that matter. I stopped the pills at home with NO methadone and I didnt seek out to find a better buzz or screw the system. I'm sure there is a wait at the methadone clinic with someones name on it who really wants to get clean and stay clean. He is taking that opportunity away from someone else.
Benzo's are very dangerous he is treading on a whole new addiction and one that is MUCH harder to stop it doesnt have a magic pill to make him feel better. W/d's from benzos are truly hell on earth and can be deadly infact I think mixing the methadone and the benzos are a toxic and could be deadly mix too.
Fine u knew he did drugs when u met him. Does that mean its acceptable to you? Are u ok with it? Sure he did drugs but he decieved u by convincing you that he wanted help and of course your the oNLY one who could help him. PLEASE if it was that easy.
Fiance? Do u really want to live the rest of your life like the way u are now? It wont end it wont get easier. You will spend the rest of your life paying off dealers and dealing with shaddy people.
Give him back his pill bottle let him yell at himself when he takes too many or cuts himself short. Your his fiance his partner, not his probation officer, pill holder and doser, babysitter or anything else for that matter. Time to take YOUR control back. Take a step back and let him fall off the cliff so he can pick himself up and climb back up and get a better life.
YOU cannot save him, you can save yourself alot of time, energy, and misery. Your relationship will become one of a parent, child NOT a loving trusting relationship as it should be. I wish you luck I have been where u are and glad I got away before we got married, had kids, went completly broke, cause my love was so much stronger than his addiction!!! YA Right.
Benzo's are very dangerous he is treading on a whole new addiction and one that is MUCH harder to stop it doesnt have a magic pill to make him feel better. W/d's from benzos are truly hell on earth and can be deadly infact I think mixing the methadone and the benzos are a toxic and could be deadly mix too.
Fine u knew he did drugs when u met him. Does that mean its acceptable to you? Are u ok with it? Sure he did drugs but he decieved u by convincing you that he wanted help and of course your the oNLY one who could help him. PLEASE if it was that easy.
Fiance? Do u really want to live the rest of your life like the way u are now? It wont end it wont get easier. You will spend the rest of your life paying off dealers and dealing with shaddy people.
Give him back his pill bottle let him yell at himself when he takes too many or cuts himself short. Your his fiance his partner, not his probation officer, pill holder and doser, babysitter or anything else for that matter. Time to take YOUR control back. Take a step back and let him fall off the cliff so he can pick himself up and climb back up and get a better life.
YOU cannot save him, you can save yourself alot of time, energy, and misery. Your relationship will become one of a parent, child NOT a loving trusting relationship as it should be. I wish you luck I have been where u are and glad I got away before we got married, had kids, went completly broke, cause my love was so much stronger than his addiction!!! YA Right.
Drug Addiction Has No Mercy
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Milwaukie Oregon
Posts: 875
Originally Posted by misslib 
i really appreciate all of the advice. it really helps to know that i'm not alone in all of this mess. i find myself pushing my family away because i'm scared they're going to realize what i've gotten myself into and freak out. i know they just have my best interest in mind, but the bf is right, i knew what he was when i picked him up. i don't want to give up. i know it's going to be hard, but i think it'll be well worth it.
i realize that part of the reason it phases me so much is because i realize that i'm an enabler and he knows that he is manipulative...and it doesn't do much for either one of us. fortunately we're able to talk about all of this and I think that's one of the main reasons i'm still with him. we have amazing chemistry. i could tell him anything, and he tells me everything. unfortunately it's sometimes things i don't want to hear.
i realize that part of the reason it phases me so much is because i realize that i'm an enabler and he knows that he is manipulative...and it doesn't do much for either one of us. fortunately we're able to talk about all of this and I think that's one of the main reasons i'm still with him. we have amazing chemistry. i could tell him anything, and he tells me everything. unfortunately it's sometimes things i don't want to hear.
Me, I'm a recovering addict/enabler/codependent
Forgive me if this sounds harsh .. for it is not meant that way at all. Rather consider me a flashlight .. lighting up an area in the dark so that you can see what lies there.
you say you are an enabler and he is manipulative
and it doesn't do much for either one of you
Well apparently it does something for one of you
beeeeeeecause
I can clearly see where his manipulation working to HIS benefit.
He says, you knew what he was when you first got together with him ..
you say "bf is right, I knew what he was when I picked him up"
His manipulation has you saying that he is right. Next step: cosign his active addiction. You will tolerate his addict and his using until you can't tolerate it no more .. Now the question is how long do you think you will be able to tollerate it? The answer for most is not much longer .. Funny thing we end up moving our boundaries and lifting our of 'tolleration' so to speak .. and the next thing we know years have passed and the only thing that has changed is US to the point that we have become unreconizable to ourselves. Why? Because we allowed ourselves to be bargin with and be manipulated by ADDICTION (your addiction to him, his addiction to drugs). Heavy stuff there.
It is good that you realize you are an enabler and that he is a manipulative addict.
Now it is all about learning the dynamics of the two and getting into your own recovery.
Knowledge is power
Read, read, read, learn, learn, learn .. feed your mind and the rest will follow.
Read all about his drug of choice, read all about the behavior it spawns, read all about enabling, codependence and then detachment with love (these are your lifesavors) grab on and hold on for dear life. Loving an addict is rough and can be down right dangerous waters.
Not trying to scare you... but I'm not a candycoating kind of gal. I tell it like it is.
Whatever you do .. keep comin' back here .. you'll always find a hand to hold, a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen and a friend to understand where you're comin' from.
******{Hugs}}}}
Passion
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: BFE, Oklahoma
Posts: 6
nytepassion-
I really appreciate the candidness of your reply. i am not one to sugar coat things either.
With each passing day it becomes more apparent that i can't change his behaviors, but i can change mine. i want more than anything to be free from the codependency and the enabling behaviors. i think you are correct in that i should probably do quite a bit more research. i want to know why i have so much love for someone who doesn't know even how to love them self. my dad always said, some people are never happy unless they're unhappy. for some reason i think i must somehow enjoy being miserable, otherwise i wouldn't do it.
I really appreciate the candidness of your reply. i am not one to sugar coat things either.
With each passing day it becomes more apparent that i can't change his behaviors, but i can change mine. i want more than anything to be free from the codependency and the enabling behaviors. i think you are correct in that i should probably do quite a bit more research. i want to know why i have so much love for someone who doesn't know even how to love them self. my dad always said, some people are never happy unless they're unhappy. for some reason i think i must somehow enjoy being miserable, otherwise i wouldn't do it.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: newport, ri
Posts: 7
i know your story, it was my story..
Your BF takes the xanex when he does because they work on each other. Its kicks his methadone into over drive and that in turns makes the xanex stronger then what ever mg it is.
Remember the three C's and start detaching with love.. HIs addiction is HIS alone you didn't create it, you can't control it or him and you can't change it.
Those three statements have been life savng for me
good luck
Your BF takes the xanex when he does because they work on each other. Its kicks his methadone into over drive and that in turns makes the xanex stronger then what ever mg it is.
Remember the three C's and start detaching with love.. HIs addiction is HIS alone you didn't create it, you can't control it or him and you can't change it.
Those three statements have been life savng for me
good luck
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