why are we always the bad guy?

Old 01-28-2008, 07:35 PM
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why are we always the bad guy?

Seems my son is always rigt and I'm always wrong but as I read these threads I am beginning to understand thats the way an addict thinks ! cause its there since of its ok its nt my fault! My son tonight told me he didn't want to discuss the fact that he was lying and that I didn't want to beleive him! so he said I'm leaving if I diddn't stop talking about it cause he didn't want to deal with it cause he was going to jail shortly anyway! So I said even tho I shouldn't have said it, 'well if you had been treated like you have treated me the last several months you would of been gone a long time ago!" and he got up and left end of story! so again hes in control cause he got me mad and pushed my buttons! AGGGGGGGGHHHHH! anyway thanks for listen I'm new to all of this! My son has always been a handfull hes 19 yrs now and he want everyone he uses to think he has nobody so he can use them being sorry for them! I'm the f_____ing bitch!
thnaks for letting me vent
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Old 01-28-2008, 08:25 PM
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Hello and welcome! My son started using drugs at 14. He is now 21 and now sits in jail as we speak. He never wanted to hear anything his parents had to say to him about staying away from substances...it was always the same answer "I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM MOM!!!" Even when he was given probation, he still continued to use even though he knew he was being tested. It was just a matter of time before the probation officer had enough. We begged him to stop, offered him a world of love, support, positive choices, help, etc. No matter what we tried, he didnt want to stop. It took all of these wonderful friends at SR to help me realize it was nothing that we did to cause this. They don't want to face the reality of the problem. He had an appt set for a rehab facility and guess what? The Judge didnt care..it was time for tough love. He locked him up for 47 days! I do go to visit him once a week and he has talked with me more over these last 3 weeks than in the last 3 years! (Of course...because he clean and sober). I only pray that this is the wake up call that he has needed..I pray. Hang in there. You have wonderful support here...they have helped me tremendously. You are not alone.
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Old 01-28-2008, 08:42 PM
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welcome to S.R. i am sorry your son treats you like this. an addict is all about blame. i think it is time to set boundries. you deserve so much more than you are getting from him. he will keep doing this as long as you allow him too. i am sending prayers up for u & your son.
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Old 01-28-2008, 08:48 PM
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thanks to both of you for your word of widom! wow the blame game ! my son is adopted and both his bioparents were addicts and it was there before he ever tried it the first time go figure!
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Old 01-28-2008, 08:50 PM
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I know I enable him more than I should and he hurts back so hard! how do you get the other people in his life friend etc to see that he has a problem and they shouldn't let him use them?I know I know but still let him use me and hurt me ready to change tho but oh so hard but its hard this way too!
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Old 01-29-2008, 12:47 AM
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If he's going to jail soon, that will give you time to regroup, time to see what a normal, non-abusive home feels like again, time for yourself. I'm beginning to think the only way to live with them is - not to. We threw my AD daughter out just 2 months shy of her 18th birthday for stealing, lying, being abusive, etc. It's a lot better (not the drug use - she still is using - but the relationship) now that she has been out of the house for a year and a half. In the meantime, try not to 'engage'.
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Old 01-29-2008, 03:21 AM
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Hi Gotta,
Mmmm, sounded like me and my son. Know how you are feeling. OK he left, leave it be. Dont try to call him and when he comes home ask him to find somewhere else to live even if he is going to jail. Tell him you will always love him and be a friend to him but nothing else to pay for his lifestyle. Yep, they use you and everyone around them. Poor me crap, anything to get what they really want. I went through this madness for years and did I learn the hard way. Love got in the way, he smashed windows, police turning up, you name it! I just had enough and knew I couldnt do anything to change him. The last window he smashed was the last time he lived at home. He was never to come to our home again if he was using.
When I stopped giving him what he needed, he stopped asking me. He got help and is now doing a certificate in 'Youth work' to help people like him.
Keep strong, I know its horrible but sanity is just around the corner if you want it.
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Old 01-29-2008, 06:10 AM
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Welcome to SR!

I am an RA (recovering addict) but have a long way to go on my codie recovery, so I post on this forum too.

I think I must have not gotten as far into my addiction as I could have, because I always knew it was my fault and I had a problem. I also told my family that I didn't want to do anything about my problem...I was having "fun".

Well, a little time in jail and a diversion center (almost 6 months) got me clean long enough to realize that getting high wasn't "fun" anymore.

I can tell you that a huge part of why I am an RA instead of an active A, is because my family let me fall flat on my face and figure out how to get my life back on track. I won't say they didn't help me....dad put money on my books in jail, but as soon as I got a job at the diversion center, I started trying really hard to not have to ask him for $$. He's helped me out since then, when my car broke down or whatever, but I have always paid him back.

In other words, my ACTIONS have allowed my dad to realize that I am really working at recovery. If I quit acting like a responsible adult, he will not help me. I get respect from him because I give it to him.

As far as getting others to not enable him, you may not be able to. But most addicts run out of enablers after a while. My stepmom has issues with pain meds and I refuse to enable her. My dad used to, but after watching how I deal with her, he is learning that enabling her is only making things worse and I see him repeating what I say or do.

An addict will have no incentive to get clean until they are faced to deal with the consequences. For some, it may take a while, but things usually catch up to them.

The people here are awesome, and I have learned a lot from them, so stick around....codie recovery is contagious!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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