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Daughter Out of Rehab Took off with Addict bf

Old 01-26-2008, 09:21 PM
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Daughter Out of Rehab Took off with Addict bf

Hi, I am not new here but I haven't posted for a while. My Heroin addidted daughter who just turned 19 on the 23rd in Princeton House Detox for the 3rd time in 2 years is killing me. I had hope yet again and she called on Thurs. night and said she was be released the next day. She had avery up and positive attitude and said she wanted toget into a half way house to be away from temptations which, I thought was an excellent idea. I am getting ahead of myself here. My daughter has hep c (which by the way she contacted from addict bf who knew he had it and didn't tell her) but anyway it seems she suffered some serious side effects which fromwhat I was made to understand it's a small percentage of people suffer high fevers jaundice and chills. The last time she was checked her levels weere way daown like at 47.(A couple months ago) This time they are up at like 500. The dactor told her not to take meth or suboxone because it damages the liver. She said she was going to do it with no meds and therefore wanted to get into a structured halfway house to keep her from temptation!

Now this sounded all very positive and hopeful, only for me to find out the day I called when she would be released only to be told she left late the day before, Needless to say I was shocked and livid! She spoke to me on the phone the night before and lead me to belive she was at the facility and she had already left.

Whenshe called the next night she tried to act nonchalant like she was still there. I let her know in no uncertain terms I knew she took off and with the addicted bf. Her answer to that is she is sorry but she knew I would never let her go and spend 1 night with him because she thought she was falling back in love with him, but know she knows she's not and I was right about him and hes a creep and on and on and on.

Now the fact that she took off the first day out of detox with her addict bf blows me away. Now she wants to come home for the 2 weeks it will take to get into the halfway house but when I told her to come home last nite at about 8:00 she didn't want to come home until morning. She swears she's not doing anything but I don't believe.

I have been through this for 4 years and it doesn't get any better. Her addiction is killing me because I won't give up hope. She is my daughter and I can't let go. I know I'm doing all the wrong things but I can't help it.
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Old 01-26-2008, 09:27 PM
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sickatheart,
I am so heartsick for you, and wish there was something I could do or say to fix it all.

Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do, or say, that can make her do what you think is best for her, including getting rid of her slug of a BF.


Maybe she will decide that she wants rehab, and will come home, we can only hope.

I would try to get to some meetings to gain some stength and support from others.

Hugs and prayers for you, and your daughter.
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Old 01-26-2008, 09:38 PM
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Hi Sickatheart. I am also new here. Sorry I have no words of wisdom and no advice to share, but my prayers go out to you and your daughter.
**********{big hugs }}}}}}}
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Old 01-26-2008, 10:15 PM
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Sickatheart,

I understand your hurt. It's very hard for us to sit and watch our children self-destruct before our eyes. Like Moose said, until your daughter really wants recovery, there is nothing you can do to make her get it or want it.

You can start taking healthy care of yourself. I know I had to start getting the focus off of my AD or else I was doing to die of worry and fear. I finally hit my bottom after trying everything I knew to do. When I was fresh out of ideas and at the end of my rope, I decided to give meetings a try. And I am so glad I did.

I go to 2 meetings a week (Al Anon -that's all that is offered in in my small town) and they have helped save my life and sanity. The people in there understand what I'm going through because they've all been through it, also.

I hope you'll try to find a meeting so you can start seeing you can feel better and have a future without so much worry and fear.

Looking foward to seeing you around here some more. There are lots of mothers here, so please keep reading and posting.

Hugs for you and your daughter,
Hangin' In
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Old 01-26-2008, 10:50 PM
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There is no manual. We learn, we grow, we change, we detach, we save, we let go, we connect. I too will never lose hope for my son. He's on his way to his third treatment because I stepped in again as I do when his addiction gets bad. Many A' s here tell us it took several attempts at rehab. Most say the conseq. of using have to be severe to choose sobriety. THROUGH the 5 yrs. there have been times I have had to detach and let go for long stretches of time to protect myself.
I don't let my son take advantage or bring chaos to my door. But his mental health issues and addiction are powerful. I work a program through alanon, and the support is awesome. It can NOT be all about them. We can not worry ourselves to bits.
It sounds like you are doing a fine job with the delicate balance and have good boundaries. Keep sharing. Lots of moms check in to help one another.
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Old 01-27-2008, 03:24 AM
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Well welcome back; glad to have you. Can't say whether to let her stay with you for a couple week or not - though a fast urine test might help you decide.

I can't imagine giving up on my 19 y/o AD either. I have some rules we dont' break (she can't live here or stay here until she's 30 days clean, she can't 'borrow' money...) and the rest is Ad Lib.

keep us in the loop, and do what you think is best.
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Old 01-27-2008, 04:57 AM
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I have been through this for 4 years and it doesn't get any better. Her addiction is killing me because I won't give up hope. She is my daughter and I can't let go. I know I'm doing all the wrong things but I can't help it.
Sickatheart, there are no rules here and each one of us moms has had to sort out what works for us and what doesn't. I know how hard it was for me to detach from my son, and I am certain it would have been even harder, if possible at all, to detach from a daughter.

Having my son live at home did nothing to help him and almost destroyed the whole family. Others here, could work through those issues with their addict children and it wasn't a problem.

I have never lost hope for my son, as lost as he may be. I keep hope in a special place in my heart right next to faith and trust. As long as there is a breath left in my body, I will never lose hope.

Do what is best for you, do what you think you can live with and if you are like many of us you will learn as you go and grow.

Big prayers for your daughter and also for you. This is just an awful way to live and something no mother should ever have to go through.

Hugs from another mama.
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Old 01-27-2008, 05:26 AM
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Sorry Im going to be frank. If you know you are doing all the wrong things, change it. I did too, I was afraid for my son, petrified in fact that I would loose him to drugs.
She is 19 and a boyfriend and getting out of it sounds good to her. No matter what you say or do, she will continue if an addict. I had to set strict boundaries, that didnt work either so he had to leave eventually for all our sakes.
I put up with it for 9 years before I said / enough!
We cant let our children control us. We are the parents and have to be tough enough to let them see their own way.
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Old 01-27-2008, 05:54 AM
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nothing chances if nothing changes. i feel your pain. i am also the the mom of an addict son. saying prayers for you & your daughter.
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Old 01-27-2008, 08:38 AM
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Yes you can help it.

Stop giving her a safe haven to come home to.....let her feel the pain that is necessary to motivate her to change.

Every time you rescue her, she loses ALL desire to change.

LET GO!
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Old 01-27-2008, 08:59 AM
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My daughter is 21 and addicted to heroin/crack. She also has an addict boyfriend who is 38 and addicted to the same substances. Being an addict is hard, add in a boyfriend who is also addicted and it becomes that much harder to leave. My daughter has been with her bf for two years and shows no signs of even wanting to try to get better. In the past I tried everything to get her to want to get help. All it did was take me down with her. Close to suicide and living in a very dark place. It took me quite a while before I realized that addiction was not a personal attack on me. That her addiction really did not involve me. It was her choice to stay or go. But when I started to realize that, I also started to realize that I had choices too. I could keep doing the same thing and get the same results or I could try detaching and focusing on myself. I chose the detachment. At first with anger and then later with love. My daughter did not get better because I did, but the journey is hers to make. I have my own. Hugs, Marle
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Old 01-27-2008, 09:07 AM
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((((((((Sick))))))))

I know this is driving you so
crazy. I have been that crazy woman who was constantly chasing, questioning, mistrusting, begging, pleading, threatening, ect. ect. ect.
There's so many of us that have gone through this with a child.
My son was 19 when I found out he was addicted to heroin. He was living with a gf at the time and everytime I saw him he looked worse and worse.
Finally, after threatening to kill someone, (he or gf) she told me to check his forearm. Dear Lord, please don't let this be happening to my child.
It was, though. I spent about the next 5 years trying to save him.
I even sent him to jail. One because he stole from my home, and another
reason, to get him off the street and away from people he knew.
I have to tell you that the longer I did the things I mentioned above...
the worse off I got. I was depressed all the time. My sober daughter was suffering. My relationship with my husband was practically non-existant. My work suffered. I was becoming a stumbling, bumbling, feeble-minded woman with one goal. To make my son stop using drugs and be happy and sober forever. Amen!
Sad to say...it can't be done.
What can be done is that you can first admit you are powerless over your daughter and her choices. Just say this...
1. I didn't cause it
2. I can't control it
3. I can't cure it
What I do have control over is me and the way I handle myself.
You will start to feel better once you've admitted and truly believe this.
Keep coming back to sr for support, prayers, love, and feedback.
I could go on and on, but I have to go to work soon.
We'll talk again.
Hugs and prayers out to you and your daughter,
Linda
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Old 01-27-2008, 03:30 PM
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We were very lucky that my step-daughter's still-using bf dumped her as soon as she fessed up to us about her addiction. We didn't know that either of them were into hard drugs until that night. He didn't want us to contact his parents which we did anyway. We didn't know it, but he had previously been caught using heroin and his parents had him in a treatment program where he was cheating on the urine tests by timing his use. He had convinced them that SD was not using. If we called them to tell them she was, they would suspect he was still using.

The piece of garbage was also holding a bracelet that her late dad had given her as collateral for some money he had loaned her. He then shook us down for an extra $100 to get them back. It was a small price to pay have him out of our lives.

She's now in her second rehab and things seem to be going well. I hate to think how things would be if he hadn't done us the favor of splitting with her. She was still hung up on him a month later and tried to call him from the first rehab. He laughed at her and told her he was in bed with another woman. That precipitated a crisis in which she demanded to leave rehab. Fortunately, she didn't.

A few months later, he called her trying to get back together, but fortunately she was over him by now. She was dating several other boys, but not hooked on any of them. I know that relationships are not a great idea for someone in early recovery, but at least she wasn't serious about any of them and over the one that helped her get on drugs in the first place.
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Old 01-27-2008, 03:32 PM
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I'm very sad for you, because it is evident that your daughter simply hasn't learned much from rehab. I'm sure they told her repeatedly that she can't go with someone that is still using. Evidently she learned nothing about the importance of honesty. She seems to believe that she's someone that can just break the rules once and it's OK. It's no different really than an alcoholic that thinks they can have just one drink.
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Old 01-27-2008, 04:04 PM
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I've been thinking about this situation and what you can do. What could you ask her to do that would show she's back on track again? She is not ready to come home. She was not ready to leave rehab. The best thing she could do right now is go back to rehab. I don't know if you're financially able to offer her that, but if you are, that's what I would do.

I would explain to her that she cannot come home because the very first thing she did when she got out of rehab was to lie to you and to go see a boy who is still using. If she wants your support, she must go back to residential rehab.
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Old 01-27-2008, 09:53 PM
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Hi mom, (I am her older daughter, not the addict who is my 19 year old little sister)

Stop letting this destroy you. You've done everything you can to help her. You paid for her to get into detox and she took off and lied and left and went to use. You still offered her a place to come home to and she couldn't because she was still busy using. She's a very bright girl, she knows how and where to go once she really wants help.

My mom has been through all of this many times, but for some reason she is taking it very, very hard this time. We are all afraid for her own mental state. This is just too much for her to bear and its most difficult for her because she blames herself for all of my sisters problems.

Mom, I do believe she will get help when she wants to. In the meantime, please take care of yourself and stop blaming yourself. You've been a wonderful mother to both of us. She's making her own choices right now and you can't force her into a rehab - she has to really, really, really want it and make that decision on her own. I want her to be clean as much as you do. I love her tremendously. I pray every day that she will find the strength to get and stay clean once and for all.

I love you!

Michelle
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Old 01-27-2008, 10:47 PM
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It's good to see family members here. Yes, you've done all you can. I see that you are looking for information on new rehabs and ways to pay for them, like government assistance. All you can do is offer her your support if she decides to come around. You can't allow her back into your home. She'll just use again and steal from you. Another rehab would seem to be the only thing you could offer her.

Let her know the offer is there if she decides to take it, but otherwise know that you've done everything you could have done and you have nothing to feel bad about. She's made her choice.

Last edited by SoberAndy; 01-27-2008 at 10:48 PM. Reason: Correct typo.
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Old 01-28-2008, 10:19 AM
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to Mom:

As a father of an AS (Now in Rehab),
I know your pain. Listen to your concerned_Sister who is worried about you. Try to take care of yourself, as hard as that can be sometimes. Love your daughter, but hate the addict.

Prayers...
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Old 01-29-2008, 09:45 AM
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Well, my mom had to get away for a few days so she may not be reading these responses. She was on the verge of a breakdown and needed a break from all of this. We still don't know where my sister is, if she's safe, where she's been sleeping, or what could have triggered her to leave 9 days of detox to go and use. It's very sad.

I'm praying she'll wake up and realize she really needs help - for all of our sakes!
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Old 01-29-2008, 03:44 PM
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Concerned, I'm sure you are a blesing to your mom. What a wonderful thing to have someone else you love who cares and walkes this road with us.
bless you,
susan
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