BayAreaPhoenix

I just want to talk this out. I am going to be fine, I am going to get in the shower, and have my day, etc. But what is this about, and just what is this feeling it pulls up in me sometimes? I recognize it's a control thing, just amazes me how I let myself get programmed.

It's raining here - or it was. 2-3 days of big downpours. AH has a business about 45 minutes away in an area that can flood easily, especially combining high-tides with heavy rains. So, we're back to the car thing. He calls last night (while it is pouring like mad) and leaves a message that if I am in town he will most likely need the expedition (car I drive) tomorrow to get to his business as there might be flooding. First of all, he "works M-F - actually it's more like M-Th, and lately if he gets 2.5 - 3 days of work in it's amazing. Anyhow so today is Saturday, it is not raining, and I have no idea if he's going to take the expedition or his car, I actually assume at 9:30 he's not going down. The phone just rang, it's him, and he says in this tone that's sort of I don't know how to describe it, but maybe put-upon, or resigned, I don't know - something, he says that he would be taking his car as it probably won't be that bad down there. I said "fine, whatever works, the expedition's out there, whatever you feel comfortable with" Silence, a long silence and then nothing. So, I feel what? guilty? Anxiety? I'll be taking my stress stuff here in a second (not perscription - OTC vitamin/natural stuff), but what is this? How - I know they're master manipulators, but how? I couldn't get that kind of reaction from someone by silence - of course I've never tried - but boy, it just made me realize this morning, again, just how much he was "controlling" me, but it's in a way that is so subtle, nothing overt, and I let it happen - little by little I think.

Anyhow, I am off to the showers, I will just walk today, it's not raining and I need the exercise and who knows what car he's using! I don't really care, I just need to get physical, have lunch with friends, etc.

Thanks for letting me get this out. How are all of you doing?

mooselips

codeinewife,
I don't think it's THEM that makes us feel that way, it's us.
We let out little heads get into a thought process, and have a hard time, clearing it all out...it's just that THEY click a switch inside our brains that begins the stinkin thinkin.

I know it's starts like this for me:
Get a phone call, start awfulizing, stop myself, then when I'm unaware, those thoughts start racing back into my head. It has to be a conscious effort to decide we're NOT going to let those thoughts EVEN enter our minds.


Hugs,

BayAreaPhoenix

Yep - know it's me. It's what I mean, how did I let myself get programmed or how did I program myself - whichever? It just amazes me that I have let this happen to myself sometimes. Mostly I am doing quite well at re-programming, and this morning's episode is behind me, but the immediate reflex reaction in my head and gut are still there sometimes (not always, like last week I was blissfully ignorant - but this morning I was still tired and not feeling quite up to par), and it just amazes me how tone, silence, etc. can bring all that out and used to all the time! Good people skills these addicts have, know how to hone in on buttons - I can't read people like he does. Thanks for the hugs, and thanks for listening. It helps. I've been out walking, I'm working, going to meet with friends later, so it's good, I know it will happen again, but hopefully it will continue to happen less and less often, and when it does happen I hope I continue to pull myself out faster and faster!

mooselips

And, may I add, you're doing a great job.
First is the recognition that we're doing it to ourselves,
second is figuring out why we keep slamming our head against the wall, without any positive results..

I don't think I have one available button to be pushed anymore.
No guilt,
No depression,
No sadness,
No awfulizing,
No if, ands, or buts!


I'm not sure where it went, and I don't care, but I do know, once I decided to turn it ALL OVER to my H.P. it's all gone.

BayAreaPhoenix

I'm doing my best!!!! Thanks for your help and inspiration - all of you! Really, this place is great!