Language of Letting Go - January 26

Old 01-26-2008, 01:43 AM
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Ann
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Language of Letting Go - January 26

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Off The Hook


We can learn not to get hooked into unhealthy, self-defeating behaviors in relationships - behaviors such as caretaking, controlling, discounting ourselves, and believing lies.

We can learn to watch for and identify hooks, and choose not to allow ourselves to be hooked.

Often, people do things consciously or without thinking that pulls us into a series of our self-defeating behaviors we call codependency. More often than not, these hooks can be almost deliberate, and the results predictable.

Someone may stand before us and hint or sigh about a problem, knowing or hoping that hint or sigh will hook us into taking care of him or her. That is manipulation.

When people stand around us and hint and sigh about something, then coyly say, "Oh, never mind, that's not for you to worry about," that's a game. We need to recognize it. We're about to get sucked in, if we allow that to happen.

We can learn to insist that people ask us directly for what they want and need.

What are the words, the signs, the looks, the hints, and the cues that hook us into a predictable and often self-defeating behavior?

What makes you feel sympathy? Guilt? Responsible for another?

Our strong point is that we care so much. Our weak point is that we often underestimate the people with whom we're dealing. They know what they're doing. It is time we give up our naive assumption that people don't follow agendas of their own in their best interest, and not necessarily in ours.

We also want to check ourselves out. Do we give out hooks, looks, hints, hoping to hook another? We need to insist that we behave in a direct and honest manner with others, instead of expecting them to rescue us.

If someone wants something from us, insist that the person ask us directly for it. Require the same from us. If someone baits the hook, we don't have to bite it.

Today, I will be aware of the hooks that snag me into the caretaking acts that leave me feeling victimized. I will ignore the hints, looks, and words that hook me, and wait for the directness and honesty others, and I deserve.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
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Old 01-26-2008, 01:59 AM
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Our strong point is that we care so much. Our weak point is that we often underestimate the people with whom we're dealing. They know what they're doing. It is time we give up our naive assumption that people don't follow agendas of their own in their best interest, and not necessarily in ours.
Oh boy, did that strike true with me today. I was the most predictable "hook" around. And my son was good, ohhhh yes, he wouldn't ask or make it about "me" which gave him a self-defensive escape if I called him on it.

"I went to the doctors and have pneumonia and need a prescription that costs $30. I don't have $30 so I guess I'll just try to shake it myself *cough* *cough*" (he wasn't sick at all)

Or the multi-tiered hook, the hook that just keeps on hooking, LOL

I have to leave this little apartment tomorrow, too many people using around here and I can't stay anymore and would rather live under a bridge than here....(not hooked, he never lived under a bridge in his life)....a couple of them are looking to hurt me because I owe them $60 from ages ago when I was using and I know they will do what they say they will do (not hooked, I scrambled once for $500 on this same hook and then saw it for what it was, a free pass to buy drugs)...and I went to the doctors today and he says I have pneumonia and need a prescription...(oh brother, here we go again).

It was hard to say no, it was hard to not buy into the drama because any of it "could" have been true, but even if it was, rescuing him just became old because the rescue just gave him time to stabilize before he went on his next round of using.

What are the words, the signs, the looks, the hints, and the cues that hook us into a predictable and often self-defeating behavior?
LOL, this part made me laugh. Many years ago, my son used to drive tow truck and in most of his more outlandish stories there was a tow truck in there somewhere...that ALWAYS tipped me off that it was a lie, even when I had already almost been hooked. "I ran into Louie the Lardhead today, you know the guy I used to drive with who was the meanest man in town. I forgot I owed him $60 and so I can't come for dinner because if he knows where I am he'll kill me".

Sorry this is so long, but it just hit home with me today and I'm glad I'm in a better place today.

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Old 01-27-2008, 02:16 PM
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Ann

Never apologize for your long posts. I as I am sure many, get so much from articles you post as well as your words of wisdom. You know.......you have helped me in many ways. And I am sure others also have gained from you. Big thanks to you....always

Dustie
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Old 01-27-2008, 02:34 PM
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i was really,really bad about getting hooked when it came from my addict son. what made it worse was the times he would say"i did not ask you to do that, or i did not ask you for that." he was right. i would do it on my on..how hooked or dumb is that? what i have realized since recovery it was not only him that could hook me. it was people in general. i do not get hooked by my son anymore but sometimes i will still get suck(ered) in by other people. i am working hard on that.thanks for the post ann, i do need to be reminded that i am not a sucker for other people. i have never been one to ask for anything & i can not understand how people can ask for the things they want, not necessaryly need.
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