XABF Off to Jail ... Scared About His Release

Old 01-25-2008, 04:29 PM
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XABF Off to Jail ... Scared About His Release

It looks like I've got a little breathing room for awhile. My XABF was taking some of his things from my old house and the police pulled up on him. He and his crack buddies have been staying there. The house is scheduled to be remodeled this summer but is vacant now. No water. No toilet. No shower. No nothing except for some of his things when he used to stay there. He gave the police my phone number and had them check with me to verify he had permission to be there. Since I had told him to stay away from me and my properties, I told the police that I was not aware he was there and that he had no permission to be there. I can't decide if I'm strong or stupid .....

I am sure he is fired up mad at me. I didn't know what to do. He's been stealing from me and everyone he can. I couldn't lie. I can't protect him from himself and his choices anymore. I haven't seen him for almost a month. What if he had stolen stuff stored in the house? What if I got in trouble letting someone stay in an unfit house? What if there's drugs in the house? I could get charges. I could lose my kids.....

On the way out of the neighborhood one of the neighbors stops the squad car and identifies XABF as the one who was seen stealing from his shed.

He's way messed up on heroin and crack and I'm afraid of him. I've never been through this before, so now I'm worried about seeing him in court and terrified about when he gets released. I told the officer that I am afraid of XABF and he said not to worry, XABF will be gone a long time. Yes .... but ..... XABF told me that if I ever had anything to do with him getting arrested that he would get me back. He said he loves me enough to kill me. Haunting words he said to me the last time I threatened him with calling the police.


Uggghhhhh .... any words of wisdom?
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Old 01-25-2008, 04:50 PM
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LiveLife - How hard! Good for you though! I wish I had wisdom to share, seems that I am sorely lacking in that department - however I have to say that I (for whatever it's worth) think you did the right thing! (((((hugs)))))
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Old 01-25-2008, 05:26 PM
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Hey Livelife,
Deep breath… It’s okay to be afraid.
The following are just opinions.

This is not your fault. You did not try to get him arrested. He chose to call you. No, police to my knowledge do not just stop people for no reason. Had you said you had given him permission to live their- without water?? The least of your problems would have been that they thought you were very irresponsible. More so, you could have been judged and labeled by them- as knowingly operating a crack house.

What he said to you, would get you an immediate order for protection. These can be confusing I trained and educated professional- would help you make that decision. Are you in a big enough city where the courts have victim advocates? If not a domestic abuse advocate. They will at least have and help you write out safety plans. A good plan can feel very reassuring when the fear hits.

Sadly fear is a form of control and manipulation. I wouldn’t be surprised if your phone started ringing a lot. He may try to get you to recant your words and say you gave him permission to stay there “nicely” at first. Don’t be surprised if it turns to threatening you, trying to scare you. Sadly that is a lot of how the world or crack revolves- dealers control with fear. Fear if you don’t pay, fear if you tell anyone anything. Using fear to control is normal to them.
Sorry you are going through this- thinking of you,
StillLearning
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Old 01-25-2008, 06:25 PM
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i am sorry he has put you through this. live in today, one day at a time. time does change things.you did not put him there, he put himself. hugs & prayers,
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Old 01-25-2008, 06:57 PM
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StillLearning .... you saw my future. XABF just called 3 times and then left a message. (I do not answer calls I do not recognize due to the chaos in my life.) He very politely said "surely you aren't going to press charges on me for taking things from the house you didn't want anyway. I have enough trouble with "XYZ"'s charges. I've been off dope 2 weeks and I just got an apartment. It's winter and you kicked me out without any clothes and no money."

How quickly he has forgotten his unbearable behavior the past year and the $1,000 he stole from me in December (not to mention the thousands he talked me out of during 2007) that caused me to tell him to never come back. The neighbor told me he suspects XABF was trying to break into his shed again within the past couple of days because the combination lock was changed back to the old combo which XABF knew. And if he's doing so well, why's he trying to get money taking metal (which I think he's trying to get paid for scrap) from the house?

By the way .... he had bunches of clothes and quite a bit of food in the house. I even saw little girl's clothes that looked like they were hanging up to dry which made me feel sick inside.

Oh God ... please give me strength.......
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Old 01-26-2008, 06:51 AM
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(((Hugs)))

You did the right thing and are, by no means, stupid.

I would make sure that you tell the police (again, and as often as necessary) that you are afraid of him....get the protection order if you can.

I'm sorry you are going through this. He is having to face the consequences of his action and he is going to strike out at everyone and blame them. Sometimes they don't follow-through with the threats, but it is better to be safe than sorry.

I truly hope they do keep him locked up for a long, long time.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 01-26-2008, 12:32 PM
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Bravo!!!!!
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Old 01-26-2008, 12:42 PM
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You not only did the right thing, you did the only thing that could be done.

As you mentioned, if drugs were found there and you had given him permission to be there, that would make you an accessory.

Get a protective order and tell the police that you need to be notifed when he is released. Better yet, have a lawyer do it.

We don't have to be responsible for them, nor should we have to be afraid.

Protect yourself from him and then be glad he is gone.

Hugs
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Old 01-27-2008, 05:27 AM
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This is so difficult. Today, I really miss XABF. I checked with the jail and he is being charged with 2 counts of burglary. My house and my Xneighbor's shed. I know his drug addiction put him on that path. He makes so much more money working than stealing, but he was too dope sick to work.

My heart wants to save him from his choices, but I know I can't. I want to write to him, but I know I can't. I am so vulnerable to him and I know for my own safety and sanity that I just need to move on. It's so difficult. I truly loved him ... who he was without drugs ... I still do. When he was sober, we had an amazing relationship and I believe he truly loved me. It's very lonely now. I have no family ... they died when I was young .... and no close friends. I have two young children and a lot of work to do on my house, so I know I need to keep really busy and chase these sad thoughts away.

Today I want to reach out to him ... but I KNOW I can't. I can't. I can't.

I'll be all right. I am just trying to climb out of this pit and every once in a while I feel like I am sliding backwards. Thanks for letting me vent. It's the "toe hold" I need to try to take another step up.
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