Back after a long absense - Help please
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Seattle WA
Posts: 9
Back after a long absense - Help please
Hello everyone -
I am back.
After leaveing for a ABF for awhile - he got some help and I came back to him.
He got a amazing job making the money he used to make back when we began dating 2 years ago - $2500 a week after taxes (computer geek).
Life seemed to be back on track
He has relapsed.
he is 100,000 times worse. He gets paid on Wednesday via auto deposit - and pretty much binges Wednesday - into Thursday morning - doesnt go to work........he has been called out on that by his boss and leads......but week after week he does the same thing.........the weekend is also lost to crack.
and believe me........he is broke by Tuesday.
Dead broke
He now belittles, insults and picks fights with me - uses "tit for tat" exscuses for his use........stupid ones like I smoke cigs etc.....
so, for the past month I went through the "enabling stage to the crying sad stage to the begging stage and then on to the pissed off fighting stage.
none of those tactics worked
Nothing I said or did worked
And.......I knew it wouldnt - but my codepenant nature reared it ugly head.
Now - I am at the frusterated quiet stage - with high blood pressure, nose bleeds and ambivalance.
I still do stupid stuff like check the T-mobile on line to see which dealers he calls......and this mornings page was filled with calls......no big surprise but I still look. Cant help it.
but - I have not called him to bitch or yell or beg or get my 2 cents in about him possible loosing a life changing job with amazing money.......
I want to - but I wont this time
please send me some incouraging words to help me get through this phase of enabaling codependance!!
I have this image in my mind that is heart is going to explode
That I will come home one day after work - or being exsiled for a time frame while he is "active" - to find he has died.
This is a preminision that I have not had before..........until the last month.
Is he on a death wish - does he recongize at all what he is doing? or is he just a narsisictic addict who wants what he wants?
I am back.
After leaveing for a ABF for awhile - he got some help and I came back to him.
He got a amazing job making the money he used to make back when we began dating 2 years ago - $2500 a week after taxes (computer geek).
Life seemed to be back on track
He has relapsed.
he is 100,000 times worse. He gets paid on Wednesday via auto deposit - and pretty much binges Wednesday - into Thursday morning - doesnt go to work........he has been called out on that by his boss and leads......but week after week he does the same thing.........the weekend is also lost to crack.
and believe me........he is broke by Tuesday.
Dead broke
He now belittles, insults and picks fights with me - uses "tit for tat" exscuses for his use........stupid ones like I smoke cigs etc.....
so, for the past month I went through the "enabling stage to the crying sad stage to the begging stage and then on to the pissed off fighting stage.
none of those tactics worked
Nothing I said or did worked
And.......I knew it wouldnt - but my codepenant nature reared it ugly head.
Now - I am at the frusterated quiet stage - with high blood pressure, nose bleeds and ambivalance.
I still do stupid stuff like check the T-mobile on line to see which dealers he calls......and this mornings page was filled with calls......no big surprise but I still look. Cant help it.
but - I have not called him to bitch or yell or beg or get my 2 cents in about him possible loosing a life changing job with amazing money.......
I want to - but I wont this time
please send me some incouraging words to help me get through this phase of enabaling codependance!!
I have this image in my mind that is heart is going to explode
That I will come home one day after work - or being exsiled for a time frame while he is "active" - to find he has died.
This is a preminision that I have not had before..........until the last month.
Is he on a death wish - does he recongize at all what he is doing? or is he just a narsisictic addict who wants what he wants?
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
MyHeartMyLove,
My heart hurts for you, it is so hard to watch someone spiraling out of control...
It's a darn shame that no amount of money, no amount of love, no amount of anything can make them stop...it's all up to them.
Help herself, sweetie, get to some meetings, and get some strength back.
Hugs,
My heart hurts for you, it is so hard to watch someone spiraling out of control...
It's a darn shame that no amount of money, no amount of love, no amount of anything can make them stop...it's all up to them.
Help herself, sweetie, get to some meetings, and get some strength back.
Hugs,
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
dear mhml,
addiction is defined as a "chronic relapsing disease." this is not a prediction for all addicts. but it is a definition which requires an absolutely mature and realistic attitude when one is in relationship with an addict, including one with any length of recovery.
my belief is that if anyone chooses to commit oneself to a recovering addict, it is important to have a structured plan in mind in the event that addict relapses. if one doesn't have it, and the addict goes under, it is time to put one together and fast.
you love him. he is numb right now and cannot love you back. he will hate you as his self-loathing is projected full force onto you. it is what addiction does.
it is often said that the job is the last thing to go. he hasn't lost that good-money job yet, but sounds like it is coming. until he loses that, he may not be suffering enough consequences to get clean again.
if you decide to separate from him, do not assume that that will make him return to recovery. do not assume it will make him sicker. you have no power over his addiction, no matter what you choose to do. but not losing you is sending him the message that he can use without consequences. still has the girl, still has the job.
for me, active addiction is a deal-breaker. it breaks the addict's commitment to me. it takes him out of relationship with me. my only choice is to not allow him access to my life until he cleans up and not before. it is not okay to help someone stay sick by allowing him to escape the consequences of his using. it is not compassionate nor loving.
you do not have to terminate the relationship altogether. but you can remove yourself from his life (again) as he invests himself in his personal hell. if he should decide to get clean, work a program, and ask to resume the relationship, you can decide then what you want. i am an optimist and always hope for the best. this is a disease and when one becomes involved with someone who has it, one should be prepared to be patient, flexible and realistic.
i am so sorry for your misery. please take care.
addiction is defined as a "chronic relapsing disease." this is not a prediction for all addicts. but it is a definition which requires an absolutely mature and realistic attitude when one is in relationship with an addict, including one with any length of recovery.
my belief is that if anyone chooses to commit oneself to a recovering addict, it is important to have a structured plan in mind in the event that addict relapses. if one doesn't have it, and the addict goes under, it is time to put one together and fast.
you love him. he is numb right now and cannot love you back. he will hate you as his self-loathing is projected full force onto you. it is what addiction does.
it is often said that the job is the last thing to go. he hasn't lost that good-money job yet, but sounds like it is coming. until he loses that, he may not be suffering enough consequences to get clean again.
if you decide to separate from him, do not assume that that will make him return to recovery. do not assume it will make him sicker. you have no power over his addiction, no matter what you choose to do. but not losing you is sending him the message that he can use without consequences. still has the girl, still has the job.
for me, active addiction is a deal-breaker. it breaks the addict's commitment to me. it takes him out of relationship with me. my only choice is to not allow him access to my life until he cleans up and not before. it is not okay to help someone stay sick by allowing him to escape the consequences of his using. it is not compassionate nor loving.
you do not have to terminate the relationship altogether. but you can remove yourself from his life (again) as he invests himself in his personal hell. if he should decide to get clean, work a program, and ask to resume the relationship, you can decide then what you want. i am an optimist and always hope for the best. this is a disease and when one becomes involved with someone who has it, one should be prepared to be patient, flexible and realistic.
i am so sorry for your misery. please take care.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
MHML
First let me say welcome back!
Second, you are not alone.
Third
I doubt he recognizes what he is doing. His DOC is his master. So the question becomes.............................why are you still there? What are you doing for you? Have you printed out the 3 C's and put them in prominient places for you to see daily?
You didn't CAUSE it,
You can't CONTROL it, and
You can't CURE it.
Are you attending Naranon or Alanon for YOU?
You are living with a FULL BLOWN, ACTIVE ADDICT, have you had enough yet? Are you tired of doing the same old dance yet?
Nothing changes if nothing changes....................................are you ready to change you?
Please take the questions above in the vein they were meant..........................and write about each one. I am not trying to be mean, just practical, and yes I know that is hard when it comes to the alkie and/or addict.
Your sanity is at stake. Now is the time to TAKE BACK YOUR LIFE!!!!
Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing................we do care so very much...........................and most of us have been where you are now!
J M H O
Love and hugs,
First let me say welcome back!
Second, you are not alone.
Third
Is he on a death wish - does he recongize at all what he is doing?
You didn't CAUSE it,
You can't CONTROL it, and
You can't CURE it.
Are you attending Naranon or Alanon for YOU?
You are living with a FULL BLOWN, ACTIVE ADDICT, have you had enough yet? Are you tired of doing the same old dance yet?
Nothing changes if nothing changes....................................are you ready to change you?
Please take the questions above in the vein they were meant..........................and write about each one. I am not trying to be mean, just practical, and yes I know that is hard when it comes to the alkie and/or addict.
Your sanity is at stake. Now is the time to TAKE BACK YOUR LIFE!!!!
Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing................we do care so very much...........................and most of us have been where you are now!
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
As a recovering crack addict, I can tell you that unless HE wants to get into recovery, you are in for a bad downward spiral as long as you stay with him.
After the job goes, he will find other ways to get the money to get crack....usually not legal.
I hope that you can put your focus on you, and do what you need to get away from him and his addiction.
Yes, a crack addict can recover. However, if he does, I would prefer to be watching it from a distance, living my life.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
After the job goes, he will find other ways to get the money to get crack....usually not legal.
I hope that you can put your focus on you, and do what you need to get away from him and his addiction.
Yes, a crack addict can recover. However, if he does, I would prefer to be watching it from a distance, living my life.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I'm sorry this is happening and know it breaks your heart. Just don't let it break your spirit and take you down with him.
Take good care of yourself, maybe catch some meetings and regain your balance, and just know that we're all walking with you and care.
Hugs
Take good care of yourself, maybe catch some meetings and regain your balance, and just know that we're all walking with you and care.
Hugs
'Round and 'Round I Go....
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 478
addiction is defined as a "chronic relapsing disease." this is not a prediction for all addicts. but it is a definition which requires an absolutely mature and realistic attitude when one is in relationship with an addict, including one with any length of recovery.
My Heart....I've been there...the same place you are with that image. I've rushed home from work claiming that I had a family emergency so that I could leave that very minute all because he wasn't answering the phone when I called or the door when my dad knocked on it. I've had images of finding him dead in the house and I thought it was all coming true. When I got home he's laying in bed sleeping and snoring.
My blood was boiling. I poked him and said why didn't you answer the phone...he said, "I was sleeping" but my dad knocked on the door...."I didn't hear it". He had just come back from a two day binge and I was super worried and what I got for my efforts is..."I was sleeping. What are you doing home?". 
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