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What do you think

Old 01-21-2008, 09:58 PM
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Question What do you think

AD told me today she won't go to NA meetings when she gets out, says she don't agree with some of what they say. Like she don't think that just because she had a drug problem she should think of herself as an recovering addict the rest of her life. She also said that she doesn't want to be around people that are using an that a lot at the meetings are still using. She don't want to go to a inpatient rehab either says they last to long. There aren't any halfway houses near here for women. So she just wants to get a job an a apartment an go to counciling once a week.
So I'm wondering does this sound like she is serious about staying off drugs? Is it possible for her to stay clean without doing some kind of program ? This is the girl that was using while she was pregnant. When she first went to jail she was saying she wanted rehab or something to help her now she says she will have 6 months clean so she won't need that much help.
Would like some of your thoughts on this.
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Old 01-21-2008, 10:17 PM
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Wish I had some words of wisdom, but I do send you my support, a hug and a prayer. Good luck to both of you in your recoveries!
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Old 01-21-2008, 10:42 PM
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Well I don't do NA for similar reasons, and I do know you can stay clean w/out it.
But I think you have to have some kind of program in place for yourself. Counseling
is good, that helped me a lot. I also did Smart Online as well as some other stuff.
In the end if you want to stay clean you can. You can work your own program, for me
I was open to anything, I did find one CMA (crystal meth anon.) meeting that I did like,
I had to go to a lot to find one, as a back up for those really hard times, and I went when a few times. I would go again, if it was between me using and not using.

But personally I would step back, think positive and let her find her away. lol, as hard as that is to do. :ghug3

There are a lot of different ways to recover these days, I think we just need to find a way that works for us. Therapy, SR, Smart, and some other stuff worked for me.
(Not knocking NA, I highly recommend
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Old 01-21-2008, 11:03 PM
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Sounds like someone in early sobriety to me. In m AD's early sobriety, I heard some of what your daughter said.

She has to find her own way, Lost. As much as we moms want to help them do it, or as much as we moms want to try and figure out if what they're doing and saying is good or isn't good, NONE of this "figuring out" will do any good ... for us or for them.

Best thing I ever did was start to attend Al Anon meetings. I'm learning to back off and let my daughter handle her own recovery. And I'm learning that I, myself, have some work to do .... ON ME. And ya know what, Lost? When I did that...backed off and started working on me, things began to get better for both of us.

Hang in there, Lost. If you don't attend meetings, I'd highly recommend them.

Hugs,
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Old 01-21-2008, 11:55 PM
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There are many paths to recovery. My mom is sober 27 years without a program. My sister is sober 3 years without a program. Mr. Big and I quit drinking & smoking in 1983 without a program... though I had to find Alanon in 2004 when my kids developed addiction.

LOTS of folks get sober - about 60% of addicts/alcoholics do get sober long-term. The majority do not use a 12-step program. There are interventions, or sometimes - LIFE intervenes...someone gets a DUI and decides that is "enough", someone loses a relationship and that is "enough", someone can't a get job and decides that is "enough", someone misses an opportunity and that is "enough".

Every person has a different reason and a different "time". Sometimes, it is just a matter of maturation... delayed, but once it happens, it seems to change things.

We can't know... it doesn't show... we can't predict who will and won't get sober.

For me, working MY program of recovery in Alanon has kept me sane. That is what *I* do - but there are others who find different ways. You might give a few Alanon or Naranon meetings a try to see how they work for you. Then, after 5 or 6 meetings, see if you feel the same about your daughter's recovery.

((hugs))
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Old 01-22-2008, 12:54 AM
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Well I'm certainly predjudiced toward NA as the best way to stay clean because I've been going to meetings regularly for the past 7 years. I have tried 'no meetings' in the past and always, always, always relapsed within a few months. No more trying that for me.

It sounds to me like she wants to do it her way, and that she is not openminded to what has been known to work with addicts. Unfortunately, the disease of addiction doesn't just go away because we get a job. I do know one guy who is clean from cocaine for 10 years now without meetings, but he did go thru a rehab first and he is a born again Christian and uses that for his strength. I know one woman who is clean for over 20 years and hasn't gone to a meeting in 15 years, but she did go almost daily for the first 5 years of her recovery.

If she falls flat on her face, maybe she will be more openminded the next time. Sorry - I don' t mean to be negative, just realistic.
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Old 01-22-2008, 01:42 AM
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Well we have certainly learned that they won't stay sober unless they want to and that we can't force or manipulate them into sobriety.
She might be sober, but we know working at recovery is a whole other level.
My son has changed his mind and is not going to treatment. He's said since Feb. that he'd come up with a plan...there never is a plan.
Maybe your daughter will be able to have a plan and follow-through.
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Old 01-22-2008, 02:20 AM
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With or without a program, her sobriety will depend on how much she wants it. As said before, many get clean without any formal program or support system in place, and some who have all that still manage to fall back into active addiction. As much as we want it for our kids, we can't make it happen, only they can and they have to follow their own journey.

Like Hangin', I found that when I found my own program of recovery and began to work it, my life became better, no matter how my son did in his.

It's not fun watching those we love struggle, but we don't have to pull up a seat and watch it from the front row. It helps me to just give my son to God and leave the rest up to them.

Sending big hugs and lots of prayers for both of you.

Hugs
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Old 01-22-2008, 06:42 AM
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lostparent,
IMO, we hear want we want to hear. In my case, when my oldest said he didn't want to attend meetings, "cause all they talk about is using", and "I'm not sure I believe in a H.P." ...my heart sank.

It wasn't MY vision of HIS recovery!

Then I went to a meeting, and opened my books, and once again, let go, and put the focus back on ME.

In the long run, it doesn't matter HOW they do it, if they WANT it...anything is possible.

Hugs, and prayers
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Old 01-22-2008, 06:47 AM
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my RAS has said the same thing in the past, but now he is a 12 stepper and thinks its great. who knows whats in the mind of an addict. it may be ok for her but I agree with some of the above that a program needs to be in place, some kind of program.
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Old 01-22-2008, 06:51 AM
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My AD refuses NA, will goes to AA. Out of her first trip to rehab she went to NA twice daily, as suggested. Her sponsor then turned her on to meth. I have heard others in my group say some NA meetings have trouble w/ dealers trolling for 'customers'. One episode of INTERVENTION had a young man on there who said the same, and they filmed it happening.

prayers for your daughter, and you!
susan
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Old 01-22-2008, 07:41 AM
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((((((((Lost)))))))))

My son went to a couple of na meetings. One with hubby, one with me.
Then he started going alone. Met a girl. (why is there always a girl involved?)
He moved in with the girl and they both started using.
6 months later he was sleeping in the basement of her building because she
kicked him out for stealing from her.
I have to agree with the others. Whether they work a program or not, it's up to them on whether they want to stay clean. No amount of meetings can stop them if they are on the path to self destruction.
My son left jail thinking that having a beer once in a while wouldn't hurt.
He struggles, some days doing well, while other days...
I've decided to step outta the way. It's hard and I struggle with it sometimes. lol It's getting easier, though.
Keep working on you. Try not to worry.
Hugs, prayers, and support,
Linda
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Old 01-22-2008, 08:56 AM
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Hello Lost- Your post has helped me.

My 16 yo son returns from a 5 month treatment program next week. As part of the Home contract I am requiring him to attend NA meetings for the first 30 days and to get a sponsor. This would not be something he would elect to do on his own. He will need to get the chairperson signature from each of those meetings as proof he attended. Then after the 30 days I am going to turn it over...to God and to my son. He will have had plenty of exposure by that time to recovery and the 12 step program available to him. If he falls back into using our game plan (my boundary) is that he returns to treatment. I am doing this only because he is still a minor and I want to do everything in my power to protect him from himslef until the point where he is of the age that he can decide for himself. I dont know how this will all work out but with guidance from the treatment center and alanon its the best I know to do right now. But I realize its really not up to me.
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Old 01-22-2008, 11:15 AM
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i believe in a recovery program. i think it will be easier for them to stay clean hearing how others did it. it also gives them a sponsor & someone to talk to when times are hard. it is his choice to have a program or not. it is his choice to use or not. hands off the addict.being a mom i know how hard this is to accept. prayers for you both.
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Old 01-22-2008, 11:53 AM
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I hope she's right that she doesn't need a program. Time will tell. If she fails, then you need to press her to try NA. If A doesn't work, try B. If B doesn't work, try C. If doing without a program works, great. If not, then she needs to try a program.
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Old 01-22-2008, 11:57 AM
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Try to get a promise from her. Tell her that it's OK to try staying clean on her own, but if she relapses or feels close to relapse, she will come to you and get into a program.
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Old 01-22-2008, 04:10 PM
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((((((lost))))))

IMHO if she wants to stay clean, she'll stay clean with or without a program. Some of the NA meetings are magnets for dealers and yes many people go even while using.
My daughter (22) now has 7 months clean. She tried NA and didn't agree either with all that they say. She's not working a program that I know of, but I don't ask. It's hers not mine.
She's stayed at school, worked her buns off to get better grades, gotten a job near school and really doesn't want to be home for any length of time. There are too many triggers for her here. I have to respect her choices, I could never make her clean, only she can do that. And so far she has.........
She does have the serenity prayer on the wall in her room at school also the posters she made in rehab. Rehab gave her the tools and she seems to be using them.
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Old 01-22-2008, 08:35 PM
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Thanks for all your comments it help to get different points of view. Your right it is up to her I try to stay out of it, but then she calls an I never know if I should give advice or just listen. I am hoping she does some kind of program just so she'll have some guidance.
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Old 01-22-2008, 08:59 PM
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Lost,

I know the helpless feeling you're having. You so want her to make it. The problem is we, as parents, have no control over them and their addiction.

I know with my daughter I could suggest programs/meetings all day long. I could ask for promises. I could try to strike all kinds of deals with her, but none of that worked, especially when she was in early sobriety. Asking for a promise from you daughter who is just barely keeping her head above water, sobriety wise, is like asking Britney Spears to promise to be a good parent by next Tuesday. It's just not possible at this point.

To this day, my daughter doesn't want me interferring in HER program, HER life, and how she maintains her sobriety.

The best thing I ever did was get out of the way and let her HP get to her. That way the 2 of them could work it out. And I could actually focus on my life. What a concept ... me, living a full life. My daughter's addiction almost sucked that concept right out of me. Thank the Lord for Al Anon. I've learned so much in those meetings.

Just my 2 cents worth...

Hugs,
Hangin' In
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