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to beleave him or not to beleave him...

Old 01-20-2008, 03:04 PM
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to beleave him or not to beleave him...

hi every one, its me again, lol.
so i posted bail for him a few weeks ago because he reaced out to me and said he wanted to go to recovery. I thought that was what you are supposed to dowhen they reach out to you. well two weeks later and $750 down the tube, he calls me...from the remand center, he tells me he is sooo sorry and that he had the money to pay me back, i then find out this is the FOURTH TIME he has been arrested FOR THE SAME DAMN THING. and that he will most likley be getting close to three to four months.
well i think its been at least two weeks now, he calls almost every day saying how he has found god and is ready to have a clean life and how he "is done" but then goes on about how he isnt coming straight home nor going right into care once he is releaced because he wants to make enough money to come home and go to care here.
He seems to get that he needs help and seems to mean what he is saying, he crys when he trys to tell me about any of it. (not the best place to be doing that, im shure)
but I just do beleave him, i have told him that he is not allowed to see the baby till he has been in recovery for a while. he dosnt think he will relapse when he gets out...i think he will. I just dont know if i should be mad at him, or if i should even be listening to him.
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Old 01-20-2008, 03:23 PM
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I have been there. First of all (((indestress)))


Second of all, let him suffer the consequences of his actions. I know how hard that can be, but you can do it! If he is ready to be clean, he will do it. Words are just words, until he backs them up with actions.

Take care of yourself in the meantime and try not to enable him. Don't bail him out next time. let him stay in jail and learn the what he is doing is not appropriate and let him take his punishment. Don't worry about whether he is lying (addicts do this about as much as they breath) or not. Focus on YOU, and let him focus on him.
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Old 01-20-2008, 03:24 PM
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Also, have you tried alanon or naranon?
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Old 01-20-2008, 03:28 PM
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you are being conned. he is a master con artist.

your instincts are right on target. do not believe him. and ignore his self-pity tears. they are there for effect. they are part of the scam.

he is very dangerous to your life and your child's life. please stay away from him, and find support from other people--at al-anon meetings or from family you can trust--to gain the strength to do it. he can hypnotize you into believing him, so do please be careful. you need to connect with sane people who understand addict behavior so you are not conned. please, dear, find some support. many many good wishes for your safety and survival. sending love....
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Old 01-20-2008, 07:37 PM
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find a meeting fast to go to.(alanon or naranon) you daughter to young to tell you to take care of her & take care of yourself so u can take care of her. this man is not worth you or your child. there is nothing you can do for him. he is using you. go talk to a councilor. if you can not afford it,contact mental heath in your area.they can help you get through this. i hope your b.f. finds recovery but that is his problem not yours.please turn him over to his h.p. & take care of your self.you & your daughter deserve better.hugs,
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Old 01-20-2008, 10:40 PM
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This is his fourth time through and he is still crying 'every time'? It also sounds to me like manipulation.

We have a saying around here - believe the actions, not the words.

Let him figure out what he is going to do. The sooner someone does, the faster he will learn.

And if you find his calls upsetting, you don't have to accept them. Not taking calls that disturb you sends a message that you are strong woman who is not easily twisted. He may be surprised by that ... but that is information he needs to have.



I also find Alanon a life saver. I would also suggest you give them a try.

((hugs))
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Old 01-21-2008, 01:48 AM
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As a recovering addict, I can say that addicts who are newly clean in jail or in treatment, and are in touch with their disease are (and should be) terrified of relapse on the outside. Those who say, "Oh, I'm done with that. I know I won't use" are full of it!! They have no clue what they are truly up against. The ones who say, "I'm really scared that I won't be able to stay clean" are the ones I worry the least about.

Another indicator of his denial is that his priority is to make $ rather than to seek treatment. I have seen more addicts than I can say who decide they are fine now, go after the money, and relapse in short order. It's actually very common, this sudden focus on making the money instead of on treating the disease. Recovery must be the priority or we're only fooling ourselves, especially in the beginning.
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Old 01-21-2008, 02:17 AM
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Words mean nothing if they are not backed by action. Now is the time he could get himself on a waiting list for rehab and have it in place when he leaves.

You are wise to question this and to protect yourself and your baby. It's a sad situation but having an upclose and personal front row seat is worse.

Try some meetings, you will be amazed at how much they can help you.

Hugs
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Old 01-21-2008, 04:27 AM
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He does not want to stop yet. Through experience he has alot to do yet.
This is a horrible addiction that will test your limits. When you reach that limit you will know enough is enough. At the end of the day he has to want this for himself and who knows when that may be. If we let it, it can slowly destroy us, my advice is to start thinking about yourself and your child and accept that you cant help him stop.
Good Luck
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Old 01-21-2008, 04:54 AM
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(((indistress)))

I agree with all of the above. Everything he is saying is a huge red flag to me, a recovering addict. It is also the same things my XABF said (over and over) each time he was locked up.

I have 10 months clean and I don't say "I'll never do it again" because I know all I have is today. I don't plan on using again, but I"m not so cocky that I can plan the future.

Take care of you and your baby. He's a big boy, let him take his consequences.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 01-21-2008, 06:54 AM
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IMO, Don't believe a word he says!! My grandmother always told us "Actions speak louder than words" This is true of everyone, especially addicts!!
susan
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Old 01-21-2008, 07:59 AM
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Stay strong and listen to that inner voice of yours that is warning you. I went through a year with my XABF that emptied my bank account and my house of valuables. Everytime he was ready to pay me back something happened and he needed more money.

He was robbed. His customer didn't pay him for the job he completed. (I had purchased $1,500 of materials for the job and later found out that he got paid ... but thought he needed the money more than me.) He cried huge sad tears. I've been through more withdrawal sessions than I can count. I've paid for counselors, therapy and suboxone and trips away to go kick which ended up being a week in a hotel smoking crack until the gas tank was empty and he needed more money.

My favorite is when he came to repay me $600 he had stolen from my customer that was meant for me. He took off his shoe and looked baffled. He said he had put the money in his shoe .... but must have been walking around all day dropping $100 dollar bills because it's mysteriously gone?????

Two weeks ago, I reached my limit. He doesn't even call me anymore because I won't answer and I won't call him back. I've got a long way to go in my recovery from this relationship, but I can tell you that each day without the chaos of addiction I grow more into the "me" that I want to be.

For me it wasn't about believing him or not. Most of the time, I didn't. We had four beautiful years together prior to the madness and I desperately wanted to stand by him and give him the strength to recover. I tried to hang on to the dream of our future until the reality of each day consumed me.

You will find wisdom and strength here. Live Your Life and see if his actions add to your life ... rather than subtract from it .....
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Old 01-21-2008, 10:12 AM
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Just curious why you think you should believe him? He certainly hasn't been very trustworthy in the past...

Also, to say he won't relapse... those are big words from a person who has promised over and over and over that he was done. He's an addict. In order to recover, addicts live one day at a time. We have to recommit to sobriety on a daily basis. We can't know what we will do next weekend or 6 months from now or 6 years from now.

If he wants to get and stay clean, he will do it whether or not you are there to support him. You cannot love him sober Indestress. It needs to be about you and what is in the best interest of your child. And it is not in her best interest to be around someone who uses drugs and is unreliable and lies.
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Old 01-23-2008, 08:34 PM
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For me it wasn't about believing him or not. Most of the time, I didn't. We had four beautiful years together prior to the madness and I desperately wanted to stand by him and give him the strength to recover. I tried to hang on to the dream of our future until the reality of each day consumed me.
i have never really been able to put it into word because i never really compleatly knew why i was doing it, but u said if perfectly, i think that has alot to do with why i am hanging on so tight, and yes i know that he needs to take actions befor i can beleave him, but it is really just so hard to turn away from someone you love, i find it hard to turn ANYONE away so you can imagin what its like to do it with someone i love,.
I do except his phone calls and i let him go on and on about how he will do this and send me that much and call this person and talk to this person and go here for so many days and bla bla bla bla. he thinks he can kick it in 19 days of treatment. lol iv had alot af tlks with counselers from different places and most tell me that ppl who use crystal meth rarely ever recover, so im shure he wont get much done in 19 days. its not like i dont think he wants it, im shure he does, but iv seen how quikly he gives in to pressure. he wont last long out in alberta. so i let him talk and i give him a shoulder to cry on per say but i dont shuggar coat things and i tell him he is there because he needs to pay for the things he has done. sometimes we argue when the babys in bed because he gets frustratted with me not beleaving him, but ohwell.
it really helps me when i come here and read thease letters, i feel so much better to know i am having the right feelings about this. so again thank you all very much you are a wonderful help to me and there for to my baby aswell.
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Old 01-23-2008, 10:23 PM
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((((indistress)))

Sending many hugs and prayers to you and your baby. You both deserve a good life....not getting dragged down into his addiction. I can understand taking his calls. I still answer the phone if my XABF calls. I let him talk, but when he wants to see me, I don't go (he lives over an hour away). I think he DOES miss me, but it's more about the fact that I have a job and money...and he wants to smoke crack with my money.....NOT!

Amy
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Old 01-27-2008, 03:24 PM
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Please listen to these friends here. They have the answer for you....as hard as it may be. don't make the same mistakes I have. I enabled for over 25 years!!! Even after a divorce he still called and I still helped...yea right...... "helped"

Dustie
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