What to tell the children?
Casper
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: South Florida
Posts: 11
What to tell the children?
My exhusband is an active cocaine user. We have been divorced for almost two years now. We have two sons, ages 9 and 4.
My ex's behavior is irrational at times. He says mean things about me to the kids, telling them I am a liar, it is my fault we are divorced etc. He accepts no responsibility for the failure of the marriage. In fact, he even told a judge during a contempt hearing that he was clean and didn't have a drug problem anymore.
My older son has been picking up on some behavior patterns such as broken promises, forgetfulness, short tempered, disinterest and confusion. He wonders why his dad is like that then makes excuses for him, i.e. he's tired, lonely or doesn't make enough money.
How do I begin to explain to my son who right now has not been told about his father's addiction that his dad is sick? I can see how this has been affecting him. He worries about his father all the time.
I don't want to bad mouth his father, but I want him to understand that things that happen are not his fault. I want him to be informed, but I don't know how to proceed.
I know (based on past experience) that once his father finds out I have told my son the "family secret" there will be consequences but I can handle that.
What do I tell the children?
Thanks ...
Mary
My ex's behavior is irrational at times. He says mean things about me to the kids, telling them I am a liar, it is my fault we are divorced etc. He accepts no responsibility for the failure of the marriage. In fact, he even told a judge during a contempt hearing that he was clean and didn't have a drug problem anymore.
My older son has been picking up on some behavior patterns such as broken promises, forgetfulness, short tempered, disinterest and confusion. He wonders why his dad is like that then makes excuses for him, i.e. he's tired, lonely or doesn't make enough money.
How do I begin to explain to my son who right now has not been told about his father's addiction that his dad is sick? I can see how this has been affecting him. He worries about his father all the time.
I don't want to bad mouth his father, but I want him to understand that things that happen are not his fault. I want him to be informed, but I don't know how to proceed.
I know (based on past experience) that once his father finds out I have told my son the "family secret" there will be consequences but I can handle that.
What do I tell the children?
Thanks ...
Mary
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Bucks County PA
Posts: 1,343
hi mary- the addict in my life is also my husband (doc is crack) and i understand your feelings about what to say to the kids. i too am having a hard time trying to figure out what to tell them. but in my experience, please do not ask your school guidance counselor for assistance. if the kids still visit your exah at his home or spend any time alone with him being an active addict, the counselor can actually report that to children & youth (at least they can here in PA). i plan on seeking counseling for mine outside of school - by the time they are 5 or 6 they start to know when something is off, so since your oldest is 9, hes well on his way to understanding that there is a problem - the question is what exactly do you say to a child to make them understand when we have such a hard time understanding it ourselves. please let us know what you decide and how you handle this, lots of us are in the same situation.
Casper
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: South Florida
Posts: 11
I will try the Adult Children forum.. I hadn't thought of that. I did buy two books from Barnes and Noble last week. One is called "My Dad Loves Me, My Dad has a Disease" the other is for parents and how to talk to your children. I am still waiting for their arrival, but I wanted to find others in similar situations for support too. I will take all the input I can get.
Thanks again,
Mary
Thanks again,
Mary
Casper
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: South Florida
Posts: 11
That is who authored both books I purchased.. Claudia Black. I look forward to reading them.
I did repost my question in the Adult Children forum. I hope to get some interesting feedback from them too.
I am feeling so many things right now about all of this. I am worried for my children. For what they have to deal with or.. what they might find. That scares the hell out of me. I am nervous about telling them, at this point really the 9 year old only, the truth about their father as he will lose it when he finds out.
I am grateful however that since we separated I have worked very hard to keep communication with my kids open. My oldest knows that all he has to do is tell me he needs to talk to me and we usually go in my bedroom where he can say what he needs to about how he is feeling. I tell him nothing leaves the room, it is a safe place, no anger, no judgements. He has come to me several times and I am glad he feels comfortable enough to do so.
They are learning about drugs in school and I suppose I could tie that in somehow, maybe an icebreaker of sorts. Interesting thought.
Mary
I did repost my question in the Adult Children forum. I hope to get some interesting feedback from them too.
I am feeling so many things right now about all of this. I am worried for my children. For what they have to deal with or.. what they might find. That scares the hell out of me. I am nervous about telling them, at this point really the 9 year old only, the truth about their father as he will lose it when he finds out.
I am grateful however that since we separated I have worked very hard to keep communication with my kids open. My oldest knows that all he has to do is tell me he needs to talk to me and we usually go in my bedroom where he can say what he needs to about how he is feeling. I tell him nothing leaves the room, it is a safe place, no anger, no judgements. He has come to me several times and I am glad he feels comfortable enough to do so.
They are learning about drugs in school and I suppose I could tie that in somehow, maybe an icebreaker of sorts. Interesting thought.
Mary
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
I think you do need to be honest with them about dad's drug problem. They know that something is not right. Unfortunately, kids have a tendency to think that it is their fault if an adult changes their moods frequently. It would help them to know what is going on, and it would justify their mixed feelings about him. My mom is a mess, and I think that there is not anything much worse than seeing her create some kind of uproar, and then the family pretending that it didn't happen. This left me to feel like there was something wrong with me because it was bothering me and not them. Unfortunately, drug addict parents try to get their children involved in the deceits and lying. My mom taught me from an early age to not tell anybody about all the drugs. I was supposed to lie to my grandparents, etc., so that they would not know what was going on. I think that independent counseling would be a great idea. I'm not trying to scare you. I think that the most important thing is that they have structure and security from you, that they see how people appropriately handle emotions (not snuffing them out), and that they learn ways that people have fun without drugs. I would have never survived emotionally without my grandparents. Yes, they have spent a lifetime enabling my mom, but they are very stable people. Thank goodness I had somebody stable to observe and some kind of structure!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Anywhere,USA
Posts: 511
I think that you should tell them as much as the truth as they ask for, your kids already know that something is wrong...
in an age appropriate way, tell them that daddy is sick, with a disease called addiction.
Although I don't know at what age it is appropriate to sit them down for the talk and say
"Your father is using drugs." and "Now we're going to read this book about it."
Just as kids of alcoholics know that there is something wrong, they refer to it as "the big blue elephant in the living room that no one is talking about", the kids of addicts also know but its harder since these kids may very well either ask their dad about what you've said or go to school and talk about it.
Not that I'm saying that you should not talk about it to protect him, I'm just saying chose your words carefully.
I am an ACOA, I'm a recovering addict, I'm a mom.
When I got clean & sober, I had to go to treatment ...my daughter was 14 and my son was 11. I told them the truth. I'd failed a UA at work and I must abstain from drugs in order to keep my job.
Their dad continued to be active, although he made a feeble attempt at recovery by attending a couple of meetings and a few outpatient meetings.
Eventually his drug use created a wedge between us...although we had other problems as well and we divorced about a year and a half later.
He remarried within 3 months and now drinks every night, although I think maybe he's stopped using the dope.
in an age appropriate way, tell them that daddy is sick, with a disease called addiction.
Although I don't know at what age it is appropriate to sit them down for the talk and say
"Your father is using drugs." and "Now we're going to read this book about it."
Just as kids of alcoholics know that there is something wrong, they refer to it as "the big blue elephant in the living room that no one is talking about", the kids of addicts also know but its harder since these kids may very well either ask their dad about what you've said or go to school and talk about it.
Not that I'm saying that you should not talk about it to protect him, I'm just saying chose your words carefully.
I am an ACOA, I'm a recovering addict, I'm a mom.
When I got clean & sober, I had to go to treatment ...my daughter was 14 and my son was 11. I told them the truth. I'd failed a UA at work and I must abstain from drugs in order to keep my job.
Their dad continued to be active, although he made a feeble attempt at recovery by attending a couple of meetings and a few outpatient meetings.
Eventually his drug use created a wedge between us...although we had other problems as well and we divorced about a year and a half later.
He remarried within 3 months and now drinks every night, although I think maybe he's stopped using the dope.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Anywhere,USA
Posts: 511
and in response to BlueBell, I never did that to my kids.
I never asked them to lie for me about my use
I hid my use from them.
I never did it in front of them.
Mostly it was during "weekends at Grandma's", in the beginning, that is...
although we had friends who did just as your parents did...who told their kids to never talk about it, meanwhile smoking dope right in front of the kids.
I never thought that was good to burden the kids with that sort of fear and responsibility.
Not that it makes me a "better addict"....
LOL
I never asked them to lie for me about my use
I hid my use from them.
I never did it in front of them.
Mostly it was during "weekends at Grandma's", in the beginning, that is...
although we had friends who did just as your parents did...who told their kids to never talk about it, meanwhile smoking dope right in front of the kids.
I never thought that was good to burden the kids with that sort of fear and responsibility.
Not that it makes me a "better addict"....
LOL
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
They know far more than you imagine, the more truth they have, the better they can handle it. The only thing worse for me growing up with an active alcoholic, was all the absolute UNreality that adults spoke about the situation. Calling it sleeping, or medication when my mom was passed out or acting flat-out crazy!
If he is allowed unsupervised visitation, they will need to know how to protect themselves... it is likely they will meet the weird people he includes in his life and the more they know, the better they can be prepared.
PS - lots of teens begin their own drug use at age 12 or even younger... it is better to get them prepared now. Also Alateen is a very good resources for even very young teens.
((hugs))
If he is allowed unsupervised visitation, they will need to know how to protect themselves... it is likely they will meet the weird people he includes in his life and the more they know, the better they can be prepared.
PS - lots of teens begin their own drug use at age 12 or even younger... it is better to get them prepared now. Also Alateen is a very good resources for even very young teens.
((hugs))
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: In the City
Posts: 59
Not to scare anyone ... but the reality of my XABF's life is that his heroin addict mother gave him pot and put heroin in his arm when he was 10. He was selling pot to his classmates shortly after to pay the bills because him mother could no longer work and there was only so much his grandparents could do. Several of the people his mother let stay at their house molested both him and his sister. I sometimes wonder if he'll ever get a sober chance at life because of his broken childhood. That was 30 years ago.
I think it makes sense for us to educate our children about drugs and other dangers in their lives with age appropriate messages. My young boys understand my XABF was sick and that caused his bad behavior. My youngest is 5 and he always said "Mommy ... XABF sure was out of his mind today." They know more than we think they do. In addition, we don't always know who/what they will encounter when they are not with us.
I think it makes sense for us to educate our children about drugs and other dangers in their lives with age appropriate messages. My young boys understand my XABF was sick and that caused his bad behavior. My youngest is 5 and he always said "Mommy ... XABF sure was out of his mind today." They know more than we think they do. In addition, we don't always know who/what they will encounter when they are not with us.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: dallas texas
Posts: 1,629
I rememberd this last night as I was staring at the ceiling....The director at my granddaughters school says to always answer them truthfully, in short sentences and words, never giving more than they ask.
I try, but it's hard for me as I tend to get on my soap box. But w/ granddaughter I have learned, and she accepts it. She too asks questions about "my Kasey", her aunt. I tell her Kasey is very sick and I don't know where she is, wanna know what she said "is her brain sick". I answered yes. That was all for the moment.
Someone said above how smart kids are, you bet they are! My g-baby mom is "nonparticipating", her aunt who was like a mom is an addict. She asks questions when she wants, I answer the best I can.
Hope your kids are doing well,
susan
I try, but it's hard for me as I tend to get on my soap box. But w/ granddaughter I have learned, and she accepts it. She too asks questions about "my Kasey", her aunt. I tell her Kasey is very sick and I don't know where she is, wanna know what she said "is her brain sick". I answered yes. That was all for the moment.
Someone said above how smart kids are, you bet they are! My g-baby mom is "nonparticipating", her aunt who was like a mom is an addict. She asks questions when she wants, I answer the best I can.
Hope your kids are doing well,
susan
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Good advice above. How is your ex getting to talk to the kids? Is it on the phone or does he have visitation? I don't know your circumstances but I know that children are so perceptive. They learn about drugs early on.
My RAH (2 1/2 years clean) has two sons ages 9 and 12. All during the time that he was an active addict he still had visitation. I know that his ex didn't believe that he would use around them but she was dead wrong. He smoked crack in the other bedroom, had women hidden away - actually left them alone to go buy more. If you do know that he is an active drug addict is there a way to only allow supervised visitation. If your custody agreement doesn't give you sole custody under these circumstances I'd look into changing my agreement.
I am living today with the horrible damage that it did to his kids....it is worth every effort and every penny that you have to protect your children from him. There is nothing that you can say or explain away that is going to protect them. The only thing that will protect them is keeping them away from an active drug addict.
I have a friend that is a family court judge. This is exactly the type of case that she would rule on....there are circumstances that can be imposed to protect the children. I'm not trying to scare you but you could be reported to DSS if you allow your children to go off with a known drug addict. Even if he is their father. Protect them but also, protect yourself.
Stay strong - kids are resilient and strong. Having a sober parent advocate for them is what they need and you are doing that for them. Addiction is so prevelent today that many of their peers are going through the same types of things.
Prayers going out to you - Donna
My RAH (2 1/2 years clean) has two sons ages 9 and 12. All during the time that he was an active addict he still had visitation. I know that his ex didn't believe that he would use around them but she was dead wrong. He smoked crack in the other bedroom, had women hidden away - actually left them alone to go buy more. If you do know that he is an active drug addict is there a way to only allow supervised visitation. If your custody agreement doesn't give you sole custody under these circumstances I'd look into changing my agreement.
I am living today with the horrible damage that it did to his kids....it is worth every effort and every penny that you have to protect your children from him. There is nothing that you can say or explain away that is going to protect them. The only thing that will protect them is keeping them away from an active drug addict.
I have a friend that is a family court judge. This is exactly the type of case that she would rule on....there are circumstances that can be imposed to protect the children. I'm not trying to scare you but you could be reported to DSS if you allow your children to go off with a known drug addict. Even if he is their father. Protect them but also, protect yourself.
Stay strong - kids are resilient and strong. Having a sober parent advocate for them is what they need and you are doing that for them. Addiction is so prevelent today that many of their peers are going through the same types of things.
Prayers going out to you - Donna
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
